		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 3 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 0:00

		 smoked
		 Cannabis

		   T+ 0:00
		 1 cig.
		 smoked
		 Cannabis

		   T+ 10:00

		 smoked
		 Tobacco - Cigarettes

		   T+ 10:00
		 20 - 30 mg
		 smoked
		 DMT

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   145 lb

Sunday, January 27th, 2013

This is a day that will be forever burned into my memory. I owe who I am to this experience.

I began my day by ingesting 3 hits of average strength LSD that was laid onto white on white blotter. After ingesting the tabs, I was picked up by my friends, who often accompanied me as sober trip companions. Walking through a snow covered park, we came upon a lending library box. There were a selection of books in the box, most interestingly a worn copy of an erotic novel. Being a group of teenage boys, we chose the erotica to entertain us on the day’s journey. Tracing the empty streets of an upper-middle class neighborhood in our town, we took turns reading aloud sections of the book, laughing profusely in-between lines of prose. In front of us now is a steep drop-off that leads down to Lake Erie. We see three men shoveling the name of a website into the snow-covered ice. “What a waste of an idea that could be used to spread meaningful information,” I remark, 'we should be doing that.' Shortly after, one of our friends decides to walk home, as he has to wake up for work very early the next day. The remaining three of us go back to our friend’s Honda Accord, ready to smoke large amounts of cannabis and enjoy the rest of our day, seeing all the sights our dismal, frozen city has to offer. As an aside, the friend who owned the car did not drink, smoke or take drugs at this time. He simply loved driving, and was fully content to see us get high while he carted us around.

During the car ride I peaked on the acid. Beautiful visuals, that I have not experienced since, revealed themselves to me. Streams of blue and purple wrapped themselves around my hands, twisting and flowing like electric smoke. Words fell out of my mouth like syrup, “guys this is amazing,” I said in a drawn-out, euphoric tone. They laughed at how intoxicated I was, remarking that I seemed so normal just minutes before. The rest of the trip was fairly unremarkable, a good six or seven hours has now passed since dosing. After buying another $20 worth of flower, my friend drove me home and we all parted ways.

At this point, I retreat to my room to begin my usual post-acid ritual of watching movies until I can sleep. As I finish watching Natural Born Killers, I realize that I am still feeling the waves of the LSD ebbing and flowing. It has now been roughly ten hours since I ingested the tabs, “I must be on the last wave,” I think to myself. I remember reading earlier in the week that it is easier to break through on DMT, if you are already tripping. I have been trying to break through on DMT for the past month or so, so I decide that since I had a great day, and that I am already tripping, it would be a perfect time to go the whole way.

I smoke a cigarette while I contemplate what I hope to get out of this trip, occasionally pausing to knock the ash into my bowl, to use as a bed for the DMT. A naive thought hits me, “I want to see what the shamans do.” This is to be my intention, to fully imbibe what I believed would be a shamanic experience. Looking back, this was not all that callow a goal. Having finished the cigarette, I make a hole in the mound of ash, load 20-30mg of white, fluffy DMT into the center, and cover the crystalline powder with a thick layer of ash.

A forest green Bic is in my hand, with a steady flame coming from its mouth. I hold the fire roughly an inch and a half above the bowl. I gently inhale and pull the flame towards the ash. Being overly cautious to not scorch the DMT, I take one hit and hold the vapor in. It tastes like mothballs, but there is little tactile sensation. As I exhale, the edges on all the objects in the room begin to soften. The world around me affects a hyper-real appearance, as if I am in a highly advanced computer simulation. I take another hit and hold it in. The air in the room feels like it has been sucked out, giving way to a sensation of extreme visual acuity. There is now immense optical sharpness to the hyper-real appearance of the room. I look around and think, “I need to take one more hit if I am going to get there.”

Determined, I flick the spark wheel of the Bic and bring the flame down onto the ash, burning some of the the DMT as I take a third and final hit. “Oh shit, that was definitely the one,” I remark internally, as the taste of burnt shoes fills my mouth. The vapor burns the back of my throat, but surprisingly I do not cough. The booming, whirring carrier tone begins ringing in my ears, increasing and decreasing in pitch as it whines on. I hold in the hit and immediately my field of vision extends to an enormous degree. It is like modifying the FOV parameter in the old Quake games. The music coming from my headphones follows my vision, quickly extending away from me until I am unable to hear it, only to slowly return along with my normal vision. I panic due to the intense nature of the hallucination, “Fuck fuck fuck I don’t think I’m ready for this.” Having never experienced such a powerful hallucination, I immediately knew that I was in over my head. Too late, I bought the ticket, and now it was time for the ride.

The objects of my room, and the room itself began to change colors. Each item in the room, the spaces on the floor around the rug, the television and its stand, the rug, the door, the dresser, the desk were washed with a single, solid color. It is like someone is using the paint bucket tool in MS Paint, applying new colors to everything. After a few cycles, everything is now the same nonexistent color, with embossed lines, that are reminiscent of a printed circuit board, running through the surface. The color is both yellow and red at the same time.

The room recedes back, giving an immense space to the area. The walls, floor and ceiling all begin to sprout partitions from their centers. These partitions look like little walls jutting from the centers of the spaces. A systematic process begins where the partitions recede back into the surfaces, and pop back up in a different area, giving the appearance of this group of walls circling the room as they pop in and out. It feels like I am in a turbine as the room quickly folds and unfolds.

I am hit with an intense sensation of nostalgia, I recognize this DMT space as a world where I have spent many lifetimes. I realize that I do not feel the need to breathe anymore.

I am hit with an intense sensation of nostalgia, I recognize this DMT space as a world where I have spent many lifetimes. I realize that I do not feel the need to breathe anymore.

 As the room slowly stops folding, I am made aware of the object that was once my dresser, which is now just a rectangular protrusion from the wall, covered in the same yellow-red, embossed material. I stand up and make my way over to the object. Cartoony, anime-esque eyes appear above it. For the first time, The Announcer makes her presence known. I hear her exclaim over the telepathic intercom, “EGO DEATH, THAT’S RI-IGHT” in a shrill, singsongy tone. The words “ego death” appear over the dresser’s head, they flash with a series of different colors. “Ego death? What the fuck is ego death?!” I think to myself. In reality, I had read of the phenomenon before, but I did not grasp the concept, so hearing it used in such a matter-of-factly manner was a slap in the face at the time.

There was now a doorway in the room that previously had four solid walls. With the carrier tone still wailing, I make my way out of the yellow-red, embossed room into a hallway. The hallway is also an imaginary color, only this color is both maroon and teal at once. There is golden ivy filigree covering the walls. It is pulsing and flowing like your average psychedelic visuals, which stand in stark contrast to the sharp, defined nature of the DMT world. The hallway feels like it belongs in a Victorian era hotel, with very ornate and beautiful accoutrements. The hallway makes a left turn up ahead. As I come upon the turn, there is not a right angle where the interior wall of the hallway would be. Rather, there is doorway cut into where the sharp angle should be.

I make my way to the threshold and stand at the opening of the room. In the center of the massive room, there is a gigantic, floating ball of entities. The beings look like they’re wearing maroon-teal Morphsuits, with the same golden ivy pattern flowing on them as is on the walls. The entities are all split in half, they’re either torsos and heads, or hips and legs. The split bodies are all crawling over each other, forming a massive undulating orb, like a humanoid rubber band ball. I am both awestruck and horrified at this sight.

(It is important to note that this was not a dreamlike experience in the least. I forgot I was even on drugs, this was simply reality as I knew it, it felt one-thousandfold more real than waking life. Another note on the nature of this DMT space, the movement of the entities was both incredibly fast, and very slow at the same time. There was a very rushed feeling to the movement of everything)

While I am standing and gawking, full-bodied entities begin to quickly walk around me through the hallway. They skip forwards and backwards through time as their temporal trails extend in front of them and behind them. The trails remind me of the ones in the movie Donny Darko. I start to take notice of the entities outside of the room, and they begin to pay more attention to me as they briskly walk past. They pass very close to me, almost bumping into me as they make their way down the hall. As more and more go by, I have to keep jumping back to avoid colliding with them. Eventually I am pushed back through a doorway that appeared as I was watching the orb.

The room is brightly colored with cartoony pinks and blues, like a baby’s nursery. There are large hyperspace toys in various areas of the room. I am taken aside by one of the entities, as it holds out its maroon-teal hand to show me something. In its hand are two tiny Morphsuit entities, a pink one and a blue one. My girlfriend's name passes through my head as I glance at the pink one. I intuitively know this to be a representation of ourselves.

The entity then manipulates the blue and pink models to simulate my idealized notion of a perfect life. The models wiggled on each other, imitating sex. A little house appeared in the hand next to them, and the thoughts of a perfect, life-long union between man and woman were telepathically implanted into my mind. A brilliant, golden light appeared in front of me while this play went on. I slowly began to levitate and merged with the light. This was the pinnacle of human existence, I had found it. I was fulfilled, I was loved and accepted wholly and completely and I loved and accepted wholly and completely.

Then it all began to break down. The light faded, the perfect life was gone and I returned back to the floor. The Announcer returned to the telepathic intercom and began to berate me. “You’ve killed your family! You’ve done it now! You really did the big one this time! This is it! You really did it!” Dozens of variations on this message sounded from the loudspeakers in quick succession, all boiling down to one implication, I was going to die.

The entities rushed in and out of the room and began dismantling everything. They threw the hyperspace toys around, broke down all the furniture, tore the brightly colored panels from the walls, floors, and ceilings. There were now black spaces peppered throughout the room, exposing the void behind the thin hyperspace walls. The entities turned and began running towards me. With deft hands they grabbed my personal belongings and tossed them into the void. Clothes that I was not even wearing, but identified with, were ripped off me. My hat, my shoes, my shirts and pants were all gone. I looked down at my hands and saw the last thing I had, that forest green Bic. I grasped onto this lighter with more force than a vice-grip, I poured the essence of my being into that lighter, I was that lighter.

I looked back up and saw one entity standing before me, I knew that it wanted to take me. A million thoughts rushed through me as I pleaded inside my mind, “Please do not let this be the end, I have so much left to do, this can’t be it!” It was the end, though. No matter how hard I wanted to stop it, I was not the one writing this story. In one nimble motion, the entity leapt towards me, playfully snatched the lighter from my hands, and shoved his open hand into my face, pushing me back into the void. A mental image flashed of a single wheat kernel being popped from the head of a wheat stalk.

As I began to fall backwards, The Announcer returned to give her final regards. The last words she said were a very snarky, “Buh-Bye!”

Falling down into the void I am spit out of a neon dragon’s mouth, with the illuminated words “Bye bye” arched over its head.

I am floating in the void for what feels like a timeless increment. I violently come back to my body and immediately rip the headphones off my ears, throw them to the ground and leap up in surprise. I am back in my room, but it still looks like hyperspace, nothing is the way it should be. My blinds are triangles instead of rectangles, I open and close them as I try to force some form of normalcy to return to me. All I can think is that this is my new life, I really had done the big one, and now I do not live in reality. I think of my family, my girlfriend, and my friends, I feel heartbroken, I feel like I let them all down.

A few hellish minutes pass and my room returns to normal. I continue pacing back and forth trying to comprehend what just happened to me, I cannot process any of it. I collapse on the floor and stare at my hands, as I lay in the recovery position for the next 30 minutes. Eventually I get up and resign myself to my bed, where I fall asleep almost instantly.

In two years, I have come a long way towards understanding and accepting what happened to me. I am consumed by the world I saw, and I still think about it almost every day. That world is my home, and one day I will return to embrace my death with open arms.

Exp Year: 2013	ExpID: 106902

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 18

Published: Dec 6, 2021	Views: 1,286

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LSD (2), DMT (18) : Various (28), Entities / Beings (37), Combinations (3)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 1 tablet
		 oral
		 LSD

		   T+ 1:00
		 1 tablet
		 oral
		 LSD

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   68 kg

A Foolish Double-Dose of Richard Kemp LSD

One evening in the middle of a very cold  period in the winter of 69, we were in a notorious Cambridge pub called The Bun Shop, just off Downing Street, and long since pulled down. It was a very lively dive, lots of young town people and some students (though it was too rough and sleazy for most Cambridge undergraduates) and inevitable, there were drugs to be had.

We heard there was some very good LSD just arrived, and each duly took a single tablet. An hour later, as nothing was happening, we bought another two and swallowed them.

This is of course highly illogical, and risky….if after an hour the stuff is showing no effect it MAY be because it’s not LSD, but it may also be because it can take over an hour to start to show any effect anyway. It depends on what’s in the digestive tract and when and what was last eaten…..so it’s more sensible to wait. If after two hours there’s no effect, it’d be a waste of money taking more, as it clearly ‘doesn’t work’, you’ve purchased some ersatz LSD,….but if after only an hour you take another dose, you risk having taken a double dose of something of unknown potency…..and this was in fact exactly we had unwittingly done! The obvious solution to this is, if you think the supply is probably good but momentary, buy 2 doses, but wait 2 hours between using….

It turned out that, as we’d been told, this was indeed very strong LSD…..

Initially I thought all was well….we walked back to the house, where Caro must have been still living in the flat, and the snow was a magical sea of lime-green rippling waves. We sang a silly song about walking on the icing of a Christmas cake while walking beneath the spreading chestnut trees along an avenue leading to Midsummer Common, which bounded the river...all seemed love and light. 'Twas not to last….as we approached the parental home, my apprehension began to mount.

How on earth was I going to deal with talking normally with parents or siblings? I felt a mounting panic arising, but it was way below zero so we needed to find cover….luckily we got up to my room at the back of the house without incident.

I lit the small gas fire, and we both got as close as we could to the little glow of heat that was doing battle with the breath-condensing chill in the room.

I became aware of a distant drumming….it was coming from somewhere not of this world. And it was not coming through the usual channel either. That is, I could still hear the fire hissing, and make out what Caro was saying, but it was as if another channel was being gradually turned up.

I realised this somehow menacing deep thrumming was some kind of background signal generated by the cosmos itself, or by the whirling atoms, neutrons and electrons which make up matter. I was becoming aware of sensory signals I’d never guessed existed. This auditory dimension was in addition to the strange shimmering we’d noticed as a luminescent acid-green overlay on the snow.

Soon, to my consternation, the room started to be invaded by wild flows of strange small geometric signs, zig-zag lines, dots, and symbols I’d not come across before. They were erupting from somewhere, directly into my visual field, and the background drumming was building, building…...along with the sense of menace. This was unlike anything I’d ever imagined possible….my sense of control was seriously under threat, there was something wholly alien about the sensations I was feeling, and now an overwhelming, surging tsunami of swirling, blazing bright fractals had taken over my open- eyed visual field, and the unexpectedly sudden emergence of dangerously entrancing multi-dimensional geometric crystalline objects, whispering to me in inhuman voices, threatening the very existence of the soul I now feared was actually, against the underlying remains of old belief systems,  indeed at the centre of this shred of organic matter which was my body and brain.

This visual display wasn’t something I could turn down, turn off, or ignore….it had by now replaced the normal outer reality of the Owl room completely, and I couldn’t see Caro, or my own body or the familiar room at all. With eyes shut, it was the same as with them open!

With eyes shut, it was the same as with them open!

‘I’ seemed to flash into a state of suspension, looking down to deep troughs in the shifting, rippling surface of the 4 dimensional fractal seas…..the vast, interdimensional wave was still building though, beyond and above my detached floating eye, while below me the surface receded into a vertiginous Abyss. The top of the wave was towering somewhere way above the ethereal eye that was ‘I’, threatening to crash over and smash my miraculous (fragile) point of awareness so I would have nothing left with which to identify.

Next moment it would all change instantly, and I’d be confronted with a group of the dancing crystal objects, who, if I looked closer at some of the iridescent alien detail of their surfaces, would suck me in to a mental maze, questions would loom in my inner soul, undreamed of by the philosophers, the surface detail proving to be another fractal gateway leading ever deeper.

Then, the wild, highly coloured imagery receded, temporarily, and I found I was standing in the middle of the room, looking into the full length mirror...I realised I looked very strange….wild eyed, staring, and as I looked, I started to feel increasingly different…..firstly this was internal….I realised there seemed to be a stream of bits of information which I saw spiralling away into the visionary abyss….this I realised was bits of my personal identity...my memories of who, and what I was, memories of my life to this date, my very identity was being stripped away by the irresistible unknown.

I despairingly realised I was powerless to stop this terrifying process of disintegration. It made no difference whether my eyes were open or shut, the heaving sea of alien patterning was always in vision now…... I saw to my horror that the process was being repeated to my physical form...starting with what I could see in the mirror, I was confronted with the unlovely vision of my flesh being stripped away from my bones, my arms and legs floating away, in pieces, the bones separating out, becoming part of the re-surfacing fractal storm….I sensed my now bare bones becoming pulled into the maelstrom….

I was no more, I had been absorbed totally, meaning meant nothing, nothing at all. I was lost, and as far as I was capable of still formulating such a thought, I had given up hope of ever getting back to my familiar life.

Was I in fact dying, or already dead?

An atom of awareness which was left after everything which made up the identity I thought of as myself was sucked up in a current of relentless power….the fractal storm receded, and I have a sense, now, of this central spark being whisked away in a corridor of force... Away from the earth,  seeing the solar system becoming vanishingly small, the Milky Way becoming a toy galaxy, ever accelerating toward a heart of darkness….honestly, this terminal stage is difficult to be at all sure of, memory is strained to the limit, I know (from Caro) that in the physical, familiar reality, I was apparently huddled in a foetal ball up against the corner of the room, on the bed, perhaps vainly wishing and hoping, in the odd lucid moment (if I even had any...I certainly don’t remember any) that if I could do what I was in the habit of doing in the bed, sleeping, I could escape this terrifying nightmare. Vain hope...

I have since felt I came into the orbit of a presence of some vast power and intelligence, not hostile, probably indifferent to my fruit-fly-like presence….but as I have said, I can’t be certain that this isn’t a construct I applied to the experience….though it is contemporaneous. I must have stayed in that state for many more hours, but any further developments are a total blank. Recently I talked with a Slovac writer who described a vision she’d had on a shaman supervised Ayahuasca session in Peru, and though her experience was far less menacing and terrifying, the ultimate central image she described rang a bell…..and recalled a tiny fragment of this blank period of my LSD inter-dimensional voyage

Ultimately, after about 12 hours, I found myself back in the Owl room, where Caro was still with me, she seemingly in perfectly good shape. I’d been sick during the night.

Something else happened during that session which she has always refused to reveal…..

I was completely basculated, lost at sea, for months. I seemed easily able to think simultaneously in multiple different directions, or different levels, slipping into deep contemplation on the meaning of meaning, the origin of consciousness, the evolutionary impulse, time, space, the ‘spirit’ reincarnation, all the imponderables.

The ‘real world’ I’d come back to seemed now to be thin gruel, a colourless kindergarten construct of a possible other- dimensional reality which I didn’t understand, but which seemed to underlie the quotidian consensual rote reality we are normally accustomed to.

Everyday transactions seemed to be a shadow-show to keep the sleepwalking bit players, my fellow Britons, indeed the whole global human population, occupied and above all, not asking difficult, serious existential questions, or rocking the boat. I felt a vast rift between the quotidian newspaper reality of global politics and the world of this recently glimpsed other reality. The inner Reality’ had it’s own ‘political agenda’ which I was still accessing to a certain extent.

I didn’t have any sense that this unfortunate consensual reality level state was the result of any sort of deliberate action by any human group or agency, but simply that we had, en masse, ‘lost our way’,  slipped into a sort of sleepwalking dream-state, we were blindly living a fraction of our potential, and creating legislation which would ensure that we would never have the opportunity to develop methods and institutions which would allow us to correct this blinkered shuffling toward the Abyss.

It was only six years since we, as a family, had lived through the incredibly tense days of the Cuban missile crisis, when the world stood on the brink of all-out nuclear war. This had certainly profoundly affected me (it was around the time I took the 11+) and doubtless anyone who had been glued to the rolling radio coverage, and seen the grim monochrome images of missile laden Russian ships steaming towards the island of Cuba, and the aerial footage taken by spy-plane in the upper atmosphere of the Russian missile silos already installed on the island.

This gratuitous flirtation with the Angel of Planetary Death had done little to convince anyone that “everything is under control” and “Business as usual.” It had brought home to humanity just what a dangerous situation it had created for itself, and this shadow in the collective unconscious must have had a negative effect on countless experiments with, in particular, LSD, Life’s Secret Doorway.

The uninitiated may imagine that these entheogenic drugs are ‘escapist’, but in fact you can’t escape your own fully justified fears, be they relentlessly thrust below the normal surface of waking awareness…..they are there, under the surface, like monstrous sharks.  This sort of semi-submerged fear is quite enough to distort a psychedelic experience from ‘heaven’ to its opposite, or so I rationalised many years later.

For now, I was suffering the raw psychological wounds of the aftermath of a profoundly heavy-duty full-blown LSD induced Shamanic initiatory experience, a major Mystical vision of the greater design, while having had no prior knowledge of the existence of such a thing, and of course no preparation for it.

Things were very difficult for some months, then I found the old patterns of dealing with the everyday world resurfacing.

Things were very difficult for some months, then I found the old patterns of dealing with the everyday world resurfacing.

 I seemed to be processing the alien experience and life became less difficult to cope with.  I learned to file the memory away somewhere, not to try and forget it, but so I could see the consensual world, with its responsibilities, duties, social niceties and all the familiar stuff without having the Otherworld and its mysteries (and worrying sense of urgency) overlaying the front of my mind and confusing things.

Exp Year: 1969	ExpID: 115635

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 17

Published: Dec 20, 2021	Views: 1,399

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LSD (2) : Mystical Experiences (9), Hangover / Days After (46), Difficult Experiences (5), Small Group (2-9) (17)


		 DOSE:

		 3 hits
		 sublingual
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   65 kg

I knew there was more to the substance than what I had experienced with it in the past in moderate doses I took but I never imagined it could go to the extent which it did when I attempted a heavy dose. I underestimated its potential, thinking that the chemical just doesn't affect my system that hard, as both my girlfriend and two friends of mine took 1 tab and felt strong effects but I took the same and barely felt anything.

I've studied and researched the ins and outs of psychedelics and so I thought I had sufficient knowledge of the effects and adequate training in how to deal with a difficult situation whilst under its influence

I thought I had sufficient knowledge of the effects and adequate training in how to deal with a difficult situation whilst under its influence

 but I've never been more wrong. Psychedelics in high doses are extremely unpredictable and one can never be prepared for what they have to show you.

Despite my research, my ego lead me into being courageously stupid enough to take 3 tabs and boy was I humbled because of it.

THE TRIP.

It was in the early morning of the 4th of January 2017 that I went about on a psychedelic journey that would temporarily change my perception of reality. At precisely 8:00AM I placed the small cardboard blocks drenched in the infamous Lysergic Acid Diethyl-amide, underneath my tongue, unprepared for what I was about to experience.

As quickly as 10 minutes after taking it I already started feeling the initial effects. Walking to the gate to open for my girlfriend I felt the huge bursts of pure raw energy flowing through my body. My skin felt alien as a crazy electric tingling sensation went through it. It felt as if I was being reborn into my body.

25 minutes in and the mental effects started to manifest. My thoughts started speeding up, going faster through my head as each minute went by. It was at the same time that visual distortions became evident. The writing displayed on the screen of the television in front of me began to shift, moving left and right and up and down in a slow and clear motion. As the curtains and walls on my left and right began to start warping in my much more enhanced peripheral vision, the music playing started sounding more echoey and wider, the ambience of the way it sounded amplified the pleasure and euphoria of listening to music by a huge factor.

40 minutes had now passed from time of dosage and past memories and new concepts were flying throughout my head in all directions at an extreme pace.

The level of intensity continued to rise as I noticed myself taking a completely new perspective on every thought I had that I had already previously thought about in a past sober state. I went to the kitchen to make breakfast however when I got there I was distracted by the river-like flowing woodgrain of the cupboard doors surrounding me. I had begun the journey of transitioning from every day reality to another dimension where time is but an illusion and the lines separating what we perceive as different objects and entities are blurred.

I then giggled in delight as I observed the delayed trails created by the whisking of eggs in a bowl using a fork. It seemed as if each frame of motion lasted 3 seconds longer than it was supposed to.

Unable to process what was going on in the real world, I realized I was incapable of frying the eggs myself and so requested my girlfriend assist me. After she had scrambled the eggs and made it into a sandwich. I observed the shaking like motion of the pieces of egg and thus realized I had no appetite.

1 hour in and the further time stamps in this story now become both impossible to determine and irrelevant as my perception of time became more and more distorted at a rapid rate.

I then decided to take out the picture container and look through some of my old family pictures with my girlfriend. Observing the photographs evoked different emotions with each picture in a bipolar manner. One memory brought feelings of sadness and regret to the surface and another minutes later induced bursts of uncontrollable laughter. The visuals started becoming near blinding in that I was unable to identify people in pictures as the faces distorted and morphed into strange droopy looking shapes.

After going through pictures I laid down on the carpet as my consciousness continued to expand exponentially. The usually snow white ceiling was now fully covered in hundreds of overlapping 2D cylindrical shapes. I watched in awe as the identical multicolored shapes continued to pile up and form over each other, covering every square inch on the surface area of the ceiling, leaving no space blank.

We then went to my room where I spiraled more and more into insanity. Thinking thoughts and then forgetting what I was thinking just after I thought them. Words became more and more difficult to string together into sentences as I would time after time lose my train of thought mid sentence, unable to recall what I just said.

I suggested we listen to some relaxing music to ease my mind however my rapidly flowing thoughts and jittery body load prevented me from staying still and in one place for more than a couple of seconds. Time slowed down more as the trip progressed. A sober person's seconds were now turning into hours in my psychedelic world. I was extremely hyper and out of control as I wandered back and forth through rooms in my house with no real objective. I looked down at the ground as we left my room after being in there for a very brief period. For a moment the hallucinations were kaleidoscopic, it looked as if I had 6 feet on each leg, a foot for every 60 degrees within the 360 around my body, the hallucinations now becoming more and more intricately detailed and vivid.

I spent more time being taken by the incredible open eye visuals around me and on my arms and hands. My girlfriend's face had what looked like ancient text and tribal patterns tattooed on her skin but flowing in a circular motion, the whole experience felt very traditional and primitive. Amidst those markings her face would often morph into what resembled a carbon copy of mine but in a girl version. I saw me in her and her and me, at the time convinced that there was no her but we were all of the same soul making us no different from each other.

Sitting on the couch feeling hyper connected to everything around me, I had a full blown epiphany that life didn't have a point and understanding that crazy perceived truth drove me insane. I viewed human existence, earth and our universe itself as a tiny cosmic giggle that meant nothing in the grand scope of the multiverse.

I decided to go outside and explore the new psychedelic world that my garden had been transformed into. The nature surrounding me was extremely bright with vivid colours, visually it looked as if I was apart of an eye catching energetic masterpiece of a painting, where all the different illuminating colours were incredibly defined yet simultaneously melted into one another.

At this point the trip was extremely intense, the powerful psychedelic state I was in had me incredibly suggestible and easy influenced. This allowed a subtle mentioning of my swimming pool from my girlfriend to cause me to quickly strip down to my underwear and enthusiastically run towards the pool and dive in without any hesitation. The delusions in my head lead me into believing if I didn't swim with my girlfriend today as I had earlier promised, then I would be an untrustworthy liar to her and she would never see me in a good light ever again. With that irrational reasoning, I was head first into the water with my spontaneous eagerness shocking my girlfriend. I ecstatically called her to come join me as I swam yet it felt more like flying as I soared through the depths of universal awareness. Whilst waiting impatiently for her to change and get in I noticed the water on my skin however I didn't feel much as my awareness escaped from the confines of my human body and Instead was drifting through the air.

Somewhere within that moment I realized that I was the entire universe and the entire universe was me, our bodies are just shells we temporarily inhabit for 1 lifetime long experience of viewing things from 1 specific perspective.

It became crystal clear that whatever we did in the shape of these vessels we take charge of, actually had no real impact on the universe at all.

My ego was dissolving at a rapid rate to the point where I didn't know who and what my personality was yet there was a tiny piece of my perceived identity left that I used every last power and energy in my fiber to grab and hold on to. I was terrified of letting go and dying. Losing your sense of self and having your conscious leave your body to become part of the awareness that is the universe itself can feel exactly like physical death, because it basically is.

Is you exiting the limitations of your human body to join the cosmos of existence not essentially death itself? Well I suppose the only difference is that with an ego death on psychedelics you get to return to your body afterwards, with real death you don't (at least we don't know so for sure).

I was thus scared of letting go and dying as instinctively and naturally as one would be. It's instinctive to fight for your life and instilled in your mind being from a society and era where we're all after control and afraid of what we don't know, we're terrified of losing ourselves and the individual world we've each created around us that we think we know.

With a psychedelic dose as heavy as mine, control in that situation is non existent. Terrified of dying I fought the hardest I'd ever fought to grasp on to the tiny trace of my identity that remained. Had my ego completely dissolved without me having anything left to hold on to, then I would have had no choice but to be shot straight into ego death and experience the bliss of just being pure awareness. However instead I held on which turned the most profound, enlightening and spiritually awakening moment of my life, into also the most paranoid frightening traumatic experience of my life. I was convinced I had lost my mind, having gone absolutely bonkers and would never ever be the same again completely forgetting that I even took a drug, I thought I was stuck in a loop of pointless existence forever and that even death wouldn't end the hellish nightmare I was trapped in. However eventually I slowly started retuning to a sober state as my consciousness returned to my body. It felt as if who I was and all my memories and traits and abilities were being reloaded into my brain and body. It was if life was all a game and I was now being reprogrammed after experiencing the hidden truth and source code behind the simulation that is life. The visuals still lingered with every surface being filled with tribal patterns. As they faded out into the night, I reflected on an incredible heaven and hell of an infinite journey I had went on and what it had taught me. My life would never be the same, whether I liked it or not. I believe I'll start the next one on a fresh clean slate but for at least the rest of this perceived lifetime, my eyes will be forever open and my soul awakened. I wouldn't want to have my perception and philosophies on life solely dependent on "just a drug experience" but the power of the truth behind this chemical can't be denied.

My trip in its entirety was essentially a huge build up to reaching ego death, I felt all my memories disappearing from my mind one by one on this massive journey into the unknown, and I mean a monumentally massive journey. Where each second felt like 20 years and although time was passing rapidly, I experienced it in slow motion, this crazy phenomenal that no one can even begin to wrap their head around unless they currently in that experience right this very moment. There was euphoria in the mysticism of the experience as everything felt magical. The feeling of no longer being a human having a three dimensional experience but instead a universally multidimensional being, having a human experience was just surreal.

Exp Year: 2019	ExpID: 115984

Gender: Not Specified

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Jan 21, 2022	Views: 1,018

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LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Mystical Experiences (9), General (1)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 1 hit
		 oral
		 LSD

		   T+ 6:00
		 1 hit
		 oral
		 LSD

		   T+ 0:00
		   repeated
		 oral
		 Alcohol

		   T+ 0:00

		 MDMA

		   T+ 0:00

		 smoked
		 Cannabis

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   120 lb

Bad LSD Trip PTSD Cannabis Withdrawal

I went to visit a friend the weekend before last, in Wales. I was playing a psytrance set at his new night in the little town he lives in, then a friend drove us to Liverpool for a private psytrance warehouse party. I took two tabs of really strong acid, two different kinds with about 5-7 hours between. I was also pretty drunk and took a little bit of MDMA.

Usually, I don't take LSD recreationally... Well I never used to. First time I took it I had a bad trip, thought I was going insane... Took a long time to try it again. Since then I've had many great trips, great insights to my own mind and it has helped me through a lot of shit.

Because of this, I became more frivolous about where I when I took it. It was easier to take a little bit with a little bit of alcohol, at parties, just 'for fun'.

The trip was actually really good, up until about 3pm the next afternoon when we had to venture into Liverpool city centre then get the train back to Wales. The journey took about 2 hours, two different trains. About half an hour into the first train journey, I started to feel like I was going to have a panic attack. I've had one full-blown once before, after a night of taking ecstacy and a friend getting sexually assaulted in my house. During that, my hands, arms, face and throat went numb, which I now know was due to hyperventilation.

So, I couldn't get the fear of this happening again out of my head, and then it started to happen. I was able to keep it to just my hands, took deep breaths and stay ok-ish until we got to Wales. I thought once I got to my friend's house that I would be ok. But I couldn't shake the panicky feeling. I couldn't get to sleep for over 12 hours. My thoughts were getting bad by this point.

I couldn't get to sleep for over 12 hours. My thoughts were getting bad by this point.

 I thought I was dying. I couldn't understand why I was still tripping SO hard.... I thought I was never going to stop. When I finally did get to sleep, I woke up a few hours later feeling even more panicky, heart rate was so fast.... I could hardly breathe. I had to go and lie next to my friend in his bed, and only because of that did I calm down enough to pass out again.

When I woke up, I thought I could see blood in my urine. And I was getting abdominal pains. I eventually took myself to the local hospital. It turns out that my urine was just dark from dehydration, but man that SERIOUSLY looked like blood to me.

I had to change my flight home to the next day because there was no way I was doing that train journey back to Liverpool again so soon.

When I got home, my laptop wouldn't turn on, when all I had wanted to do was lie in bed and watch farscape. Then my 'boyfriend' (we were never really official and the past few weeks have been a headfuck between us) came round, after not really offering much comfort when I told him how I was feeling.... And told me he didn't want to see me anymore. I think if I hadn't taken 10mg of valium before he came round point that I may have broken down completely. (I rarely take valium, a friend gave it to me to help me feel calm.)

Since this happened I've smoked a little bit of weed, and it has only seemed to make things worse. I've been a daily smoker pretty much for coming up to ten years now, since I was 13/14. The longest I've gone without a break is 2 weeks.

When I finally got on the internet I looked things up about bad trips, and read a shitload about how it can trigger schizophrenia and psychosis. Then the symptoms of these conditions.... And since reading those I have been questioning reality. For a few days I felt like maybe nothing was real. Maybe everything was just a construct of my mind. Or maybe that I died and went to hell. Since last night, I've been having very dark thoughts. You know those weird urges you sometimes get... To do violent and/or crazy things? But that usually just go away as quickly as they come because you know they are crazy? I used to get them sometimes anyway but now that I'm scared of being crazy I seem to be having them uncontrollably. I've even been worrying that if I get worse, I might snap and actually do them. I mean I do not EVER want to hurt anybody, but the fear is there.

I have never been so scared.

I know that it's probably just a combination of PTSD, reading crap online about LSD and cannabis usage, paranoia, and cannabis withdrawal. And knowing that my great uncle was diagnosed with 'simple schizophrenia', and that it's only been just over a week since the most terrifying experience of my life. But I can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. Also... One of the last times I tripped, after a festival when I was awake for 3 days... As I was finally drifting off to sleep I heard my own voice in my head, a demonic version of it... Telling me that I was going to die. I still don't know if it was just a dream but it scared me a lot.

I feel ok on and off.... So I hope that I will be better in a few weeks. I have decided to stop smoking weed completely. It is just not worth the risk. It is hard, because even though it is not physically addictive, I've been using it in pretty much every aspect of my existence for a decade. I smoked to help my bad appetite, I smoked to help my art, I smoked to help my sex drive. Basically the only thing I didnt use it for was to sleep, because it always got my mind racing so much that it would keep me awake.

People, please be careful with these substances you put into your body. They are not just harmless fun. And there IS such a thing as TOO MUCH awareness. It got to the point where I actually couldn't stand the sound of my own heartbeat, and the tinnitus that I already have got unbearable. The psytrance I had been listening to all night was still playing in my ears. I couldnt stand the sight of my own reflection. I couldnt stop focusing on my breathing because I was so afraid of not taking deep enough breaths.

I have also had muscle twitches when drifting off to sleep, which have now subsided but I've still been getting a twitch in my left shoulder on and off just throughout the days.

Truth be told, I have been praying to god. I have been that scared. I was agnostic verging on atheist for a long time. But after this.... I'm so freaked out that I've been thanking god for every moment that I feel sane. I'm very scared of having a flashback as well, even though I've never had one before so I dont know if I am prone to them.

I was prescribed SSRIs before this happened, and still havent tried taking them. I basically wanted a few more weeks of partying before going on them. BIG mistake. But now I'm not even sure I wana take them either because the idea of them making me worse for the first few weeks is so terrifying.

I love everyone and I do not wish this fear and anxiety on anyone. I dont think I will ever take psychedelics, cannabis or any other drugs EVER again.

P.S.- I am now on day 3 of cannabis withdrawal. Last saturday was the first day in years that I didn't smoke anything, and I felt good. The next day I caved and smoked a few pipes, which only brought my negative thoughts back. I am now having even worse intrusive, violent and negative thoughts but I am doing some reading on how to dispel them. It is hard, and sleeping has still been a problem, though the muscle twitches have mostly subsided.

I feel irritable and happy on and off. I feel more talkative. My thoughts are still scattered but I can feel them becoming clearer.

I feel like life could be more enjoyable sober than it ever was when I was stoned. I feel like I am waking up, and discovering myself truly. I'm not used to my normal thought processes, I feel a bit scared that I don't know who I am, but I'm willing to find out. I am still scared that I may be insane though.

I used to wonder how anyone could go through life NOT being high. Now I am realising how fucking foolish that is. I am coming to understand why people fill their time with seemingly mundane tasks, and why a lot of people are scared to explore and expand their consciousness. I am still all for doing that, but drugs are definitely NOT the solution. They can help, but I used them as the one and only method for way too long. I fear I will never be able to do it on my own, but then there are times when I feel like I could have more will power than most people and maybe it is possible. I just hope that spending 10 years high since I was 13 has not done permanent damage. I just hope that I do not go crazy as I get older and my brain starts to deteriorate.

I hope I do not relapse again, though I honestly do not have any desire to toke atm. Well, I mean I would LIKE to be able to, but I know that it will do me no good.

I've thought about cutting off my dreads/combing them out, and getting rid of everything in my room that reminds me of my stoner life. But I still love my dreads, I think I am just still in a place where everything reminds me of it. Getting rid of these things may not even help. So I'm going to just try to be strong.

I am having my birthday celebrations this weekend, I plan to have a couple of drinks but I'm even a bit scared to do that. I will just have to have self control and if I feel it makes me worse I will stop drinking and just focus on chatting to my friends. I may not even drink anything at all, I'll see how it goes.

Exp Year: 2011	ExpID: 93250

Gender: Female

Age at time of experience: 23

Published: Jan 22, 2022	Views: 969

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LSD (2) : Combinations (3), Post Trip Problems (8), Multi-Day Experience (13), Bad Trips (6), Rave / Dance Event (18)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 0.5 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 0:30
		 0.5 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 1:30
		 1 hit
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   49 kg

Death in an Acid Trip

*Mindset*

Heartbroken + sad. I wanted to see the soft colours that I saw during my previous and first acid trip (quarter-half a 50 ug tab). My ex and I broke up a week before, and I hadn't begun to deal with how abusive the relationship was or how dependent I was and still wanted to be. In the back of my mind I just wanted to go to sleep. Sunset was nearing, the colours were already soft, but I refused my true desire to just sleep and submitted to abusive behaviour on my self.

*Setting*

My bedroom with high ceilings, and objects that were simply there to decorate the space (which still felt empty). Awful blue carpet. Ultimately the setting was my home, a sharehouse on a busy street. 4000 trucks a day passed by my window. I had absolutely no privacy or peace of mind. My girl housemate would enter my room without knocking and depended on me to look after her when she drank and had psychotic attacks. I was her only friend but she still read my diaries and stole money and things from my room. I was not comfortable around my housemates or in my home.

*Dosage*

Initially I cut half a tab of internet-bought 75 ug acid. There was no effect after 30 minutes so I ate the other half and licked the plastic pink zigzag scissors. 1 hour later, still no effect, so I tore a full tab and consumed it. All in all, approx 150 ug in a 1.5 hour timespan.

The physical effect began 5 minutes after the second tab. My body felt nauseous and I found I was not breathing with ease. Something heavy pressed on my lungs. The pressure and the nausea was a forewarning that a rough ride was ahead so I changed into something all purpose, took off a suffocating bra and texted my ex to come immediately as I felt no one else was experienced enough that was in close proximity (20 minutes drive at most or nearby) that would be adequate in being there for me in the acid state that was to come.

Fortunately the fucker came. Playing with my mind for the rest of the trip aside (which has caused some PTSD damage) and taking advantage of my body and state of mind aside, if it weren't for him I would have played a trick on myself and jumped in front of the traffic, I was completely gone.

* Below is my account *

Taken only one. Waiting for it to start. So I could see the colours differently, so that I could appreciate. I was hopeful.

An hour after, I am still normal. I decide to lick the zig zag edges of the pink plastic scissors and tear off another. I need to get out of this resistance. My mind says don't okay, you'll feel better if you just go to sleep. Forget about the pain. Everything will be better. But I'm difficult and unhappy.

I am falling and I know because I nag my housemate to do the dishes and laugh at how much I really don't care. Something in me is happiness but I feel sick at myself. Inside my room, I lay down finding it hard to breathe. Turning, asking for help, and in turn girl housemate says she 'won't be around all night'.

I quickly find my phone and text the only person I know who knows what it's like and who I know will be there. I still can't breathe and my legs feel cold so I attempt to take off my bra before I know it will descend into too late and I won't be able to do it. It is a tight, suffocating material, one without clamps and when I finally pull it off I change dresses into something warmer and all purpose. My blue velvet dress which as I slip my arms up into it reminds me of the ocean and the heaviness of the dark calm protecting me.

When he comes, we sit on the soft grass at the end of the backyard. I can hear colours and I can see the sun starting to set-something it has been doing for the past however many hours. A heaviness creeps up around my chest and weighs down my lungs. I have to stay calm. There are orange, green, yellow and blue tennis balls that children have thrown across fence. One falls near us.

His skin and eyes a skeleton, a sickened body. I hear children laughing from everywhere, I feel the warmth and don't want it to fade. I start running to the house but it is different. No one is there. I have to use the bathroom but I don't want to be loud and am unsure of where everyone is. I go to the front of the house and outside again but my brain is only registering some parts of my shifting from place to place.

My brain hurts and it feels like it is dying or parts of it are. The dishes are done but the kitchen is dirty. We go outside. To calm down. We go back in and the pale programmer Canadian boy housemate is playing his music that is bass and hate and ugly grind and it is loud I tell him it's shit, it's shit, it's shit!! I run away from them and their bad music. I return with the tide before I can remember, and they are in the living room, watching the news about a lifesaver saving someone. I can't stand the way the tv is talking to me so I ask them to turn it off before pulling the plug.

Inside my room my ex and I kiss but he hesitates and I can tell it is an act. I tell him I love him. And I call him my darling. And he holds me tight. Says I am okay. I'm finding it hard to breathe. My hands push him away and my mind tries to make sense of how bright it is when I continue running around the house.

When I return to my room, I can hear the hospital and paramedics trying to revive me. I say I will breathe and I will be back again and real. I breathe as deeply as I can. I need to call my mum otherwise I know I am dead. He asks what is real and what is dead? Come on, does it matter?

I scream for someone to call an ambulance but no one does. I accept that it is only my consciousness that remains, desperately trying to find something to hold onto, something real. I open the windows wide and screamed at people parked in their cars 'are you real?? Am I real?' and they all just simply look at me. I hear him telling my housemates again that this is all part of the normal reactions and that an ambulance will only make it worse. I feel his voice and the words he says are part of a game put on for me. It freaks me out that they listen and go back to the living room. It is worse that when I find and hold the phone in my hand it lengthens. When my ex sees the phone, he tries to take it off me. I scream and wrestle to have it back, kicking him until it is thrown across the room. I find her number and call. He asks me to promise him I will be calm. I say I promise. As soon as I hear my mum's voice which sounds so far away but next to me I start screaming that I think I am dying and that I need an ambulance. She reacts calmly and I yell I am scared and I need her and I need an ambulance now. My ex grabs the phone and explains what is happening. It ends on that he will look after me and everything will be okay and I presume he hangs up on her. This scares me so much because I feel I am actually dead and that the action of him ending the call to my mum affirms I am not real anymore. I begin to panic as my ex's eyes do not change but his body changes - widens and warps, and my location changes, I run up and down the halls. His words are repeating 'what is real?' and his face is that of understanding. My housemates were not in the living room when I went back.

For however long it was, I presume about 20 minutes, I strongly believed that my ex boyfriend was the only thing left that I was talking to and that I was not real anymore. That I was dead.

I strongly believed that my ex boyfriend was the only thing left that I was talking to and that I was not real anymore. That I was dead.

 This was the most horrific part of the trip. I was running up and down my house and my ex would follow me and say things that affirmed my suspicions that I was actually dead - for example, that there is no such thing as physical reality, we are all only energy, that he isn't real and I might not be real and who is to say we are real. I felt really light-bodied and didn't feel connected to anything but to the acceptance that I was dead and none of it was real.

(+1hr after the acid started taking effect)

So I decided to smash this theory and walk outside. Which surprised him. I walk outside and notice that there are no cars on the road and that every vehicle parked is facing the left. It is extremely strange that there are no cars on this busy road, not even in the distance. But after he says yes, that is strange, some cars pass.

So we go for a walk because I don't want to be anywhere near this unmoving house. We decide to leave without shoes and the pavement is warm. Turning the glass in my hand (I was drinking a lot of water), I wonder if it's real. I decide to throw it hard, right out front the apartment building on the corner. I want to see if it will smash into thousands of tiny glass pieces like it's meant to. It makes a beautiful sound and with it my ex is again, surprised. He starts to worry or realise that this will be more intense than he expected. If he wasn't there I'd walk in front of the traffic. But he holds my hand, holds me back.

We walk down the street to town and I start knocking on peoples doors to see if they are real, how they will react. I knock on a door that has a do not knock sticker on it. I pass this house everyday. A large Vietnamese burnt sienna coloured house. I knock so insistently and when the door opens I demand a glass of water. After a long while a younger guy opens the door again and gives me a red plastic coca cola cup filled with water which I keep and refill at a tap I've never seen before that my ex pointed out, at the orthodontists.

A blonde office worker holds weeds as she crosses the road in front of us and I ask her why. She says it's bunny food. And I say to her that I would never feed a bunny that. We turn a street and I want to be naked to see how people react. If their reactions are real. But my ex convinces me not to. And I agree. Instead, I ask the man coming towards us if he is real. He looks like he's done 'some heavy shit' and is understanding and sympathetic. He said I look too young to be using. My favourite flowers near my ex's house are almost dead but that doesn't stop me from putting my face to them, kissing them, closing my eyes to them and breathing. I calm from being at his house. From being held by my only mama - who came as we were lying in my ex's bed breathing to rainforest music.

I am my centre but she is my world.

Driving to my wilderness home. Both of my hands are holding theirs. The GPS map changes streets in front of my eyes. Streets I have never seen before. Changing seamlessly when I look. It is quite freaky to see but I also think kind of cool. We laugh in the car when I ask if it is real, and my mama says of course it is not.

Looking out the window, I see many small white planes with propellers at the front on fire and about to crash. I tell my ex I am scared of the planes. He asks me very gently if I think they will be okay. I say yes, and they continue on flying and he says, 'see, it's okay' with a kind smile and a squeeze of the hand. The whole trip I had no idea where we were, I didn't recognise the usual streets.

After everyone went to sleep, including my visiting family from out of town who did not see me in my coming down state, my ex and I went to the kitchen to eat grapes and then outside to see the sky. All the stars were so much more visible, my eyes wide apertures. I thought I could feel the trees being tired and disapproving of me questioning if it was all real. Like they were too concerned with something else to deal with my nonsense. I received the same feeling from my feline. He was very nonchalant.

In my bedroom my ex and I inevitably had sex. After forcing kisses on him earlier, and from having been together for a couple of years, it seemed natural to kiss and hold each other. I didn't want to have sex with him at all because my body was raw from exhaustion, my heartbeat still super fast, and my breathing quick because I still thought I wouldn't keep breathing by myself if I didn't consciously take every deep or shallow breath. My breathing was conscious during the entire trip as I found it hard to breath initially, then I breathed to support my life. My ex kept insisting and I gave in because the way my body felt reminded me of something magical - sensual senses are heightened - but I quickly was reminded that it wasn't something I felt comfortable with when he began porn sex and my heart felt it couldn't take it.

He wanted to go to sleep and I couldn't sleep until I walked to the window facing east and saw the beginning of life. Sunlight through the leaves and the familiar bird songs and the rumble of my belly. And I went to sleep.

*

Note. For months afterwards I have had flashbacks and I recognise symptoms of PTSD in me. I have seen a burning object in the sky moving steadily towards the city. And have read a news story the next day that many other people thought it was a burning plane with no explanation for this event given by authorities. Other small coincidences have occurred that flashed me back to feeling that I wasn't real and induce a state of panic.

I have reconciled that there is a lot I have yet to know and understand and kick myself for taking something that has cheated me from having natural slow spiritual learning. Because almost every new learning experience is tainted with my doubts and terrifying experience that I wasn't ready for.

Hopefully I can move past this. I think I already have.

Exp Year: 2012	ExpID: 97641

Gender: Female

Age at time of experience: 21

Published: Jan 24, 2022	Views: 1,178

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LSD (2) : Sex Discussion (14), Relationships (44), Bad Trips (6), Various (28)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 1 hit
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 1:15
		 ½ hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 0:00
		   repeated
		 inhaled
		 Nitrous Oxide

My partner and I decided to take our first LSD trip together. We took one tab each at around 6pm, I kept mine on my tongue for about 15 minutes before it turned completely soggy and disintegrated.

After about another 15-30 minutes my body started to feel strange, strange twisty tingly sensations in my skin and laughing/giggling when I wouldn’t normally. A very positive feeling of happiness and carefree ease. We had taken it during the course of the evening, so the room was dark and we had on a coloured light which we could change colour, it lit up the room nicely, some spot lights in the corners of the room, a small laptop and tv displaying some visuals in the background. We had put together a playlist of songs we thought we would enjoy on our trip.

We did a few balloons and the strange feeling after a nitrous high seemed to be lasting longer than usual this is when we knew our trip was beginning

the strange feeling after a nitrous high seemed to be lasting longer than usual this is when we knew our trip was beginning

. Textures started feeling weird and more intense against our hands, and they seemed to dance slightly. Body temperature was somewhat comfortable, we were feeling warmer than usual. An hour or so in we decided to up the dose, splitting half of another tab. After a short while we thought we’d take a walk outside. We couldn’t control our smiling, and just kept our heads down as we walked out and down the roadside, it wasn’t too late, people were still out, children with their parents. Smiling and talking very happily, I would catch myself after minutes of smiling too intensely, realising people are noticing that we were tripping. Direction was becoming hard to navigate, short term memory loss, at one point we stop and I feel completely lost, like I was never gonna find my way home again, pure horror, even though we had just walked a block down, we look up and see the sign of our hotel, reassured I say let's go home.

We start walking, my partner has to pull me towards him as I'm not realising that I'm almost walking into people. We get closer and we think maybe we can go back to a bench and sit for a while, try and enjoy the outdoors. We sit, completely disconnected from the world staring into space, and it's like the way everything was happening was so erratic, one second were sat there and then the next two hobos suddenly appear walking slowly towards  us, one of them, he's African with dreadlocks, and stops in front of us, gets real close, shakes our hands and strikes a conversation with my partner as to why he hasn’t married me yet. That whole duration my mind kept shifting between “this is quite amusing, he's just bored he will leave soon”, and “this guys gonna mug us and then kill us”, I felt very scared and unsafe, I lost all balance of where I was and I kept looking over to my partner who seemed so comfortable in the situation. I knew our trip wasn't in full force yet and this could get seriously worse. The homeless man kept talking, and I don’t know how we managed it, but we eventually got back into the hotel room. The corridors were very trippy, chequered style carpeting, I started dancing around a few times, all the while talking about sitting on that bench and how afraid I was.  I felt much safer and happier when I was in my own space again.

We had brought with us lots of paper and coloured pens. This was probably one of the best ideas for the trip. There was an abstract painting on the wall of a building in our room and all of a sudden it just started making sense to us. Abstract art was amazing. The colours, shapes, perspective. Surely these artists must've been tripping balls all the while. Visuals got much stronger. Staring at my partner's face, he was so clear but everything else around him glistened and glowed like on a totally different dimension photoshopped in.  The world looked so strange from our window, watching people walk by down the road, mindlessness, in a robotic trance.

The colours from the pens changed by every stroke, a whole spectrum of one colour per line, it felt so good to draw; the pressure of the pen on paper and following it with your eyes felt so fulfilling. You couldn’t concentrate for too long on one thing though. Everything we did, I had such strong urges to write it down like “it took us so long to turn the speaker on”. Technology does not work with us on LSD. Our minds just completely refused to cooperate and understand what was going on, the mouse took forever to move and click. The whole idea of pen lids seemed so stupid. Packaging, there was 0% patience to open a box of chocolate properly, we didn’t understand why we needed so many lids, all we wanted to do was colour. Doritos (nachos) was a new found love, the crunch, my partner expressed how every time I chewed I expressed myself so genuinely “THIS IS AMAAAAAAAAZING” over and over again. It truly was, and the salsa dip, the different temperatures and textures, blew my head off. I could feel the textures and crunch inside my brain, it was amazing. I wish we had more textures and flavours to test out.

Nitrous oxide on LSD for me was such a profound experience. As our trip got crazier, the “trip” on the balloons did too. We did balloons on songs and the visuals were just mind blowing.  Patterns that revolved and the way they centred themselves in front of our eyes and then inside of our minds and souls, endless spirals, round and round, they spun endlessly. I felt such a connection like we spun with them too. I saw some specific colours over and over like blue, orange, pink and green which I ran to a piece of paper to write down because they felt so significant to me. Green was an overall colour I saw and felt everywhere, I knew it was my friend, I found comfort in it. Each spiral defined itself. Represented us in a way that we realised that it was us, we were these spirals, we were staring into this mirror of ourselves. We then decided to draw while doing a balloon.  Pens in hand, every visual, and endless spiral spinning round and around our whole being was pulled into drawing intricate lines so small then gradually we would repeat it, and repeat the same pattern, slowly getting bigger. This was an endless motion of picking another colour, drawing another line, picking another colour, drawing another line, they got bigger that they spread over the page. One particular balloon, as we entered this robotic trance, I glanced up at my partner and the information my brain could decipher at that point was that it was as though we were puppets being controlled by an extra-terrestrial force, like a scene from a movie, that’s what we looked like, and it was complete madness, that if anyone was to see that from an outside perspective we would be locked up in a padded room. We drew these patterns and spirals over and over. We would start in one corner and then our patterns and lines would collide and it'd become one big picture.

I kept repeating “an idea of an idea of an idea”. We would sit and talk so intensely about these spirals and feelings, and how much of what we've ever known about life and religion just seemed to fit around that state perfectly and made so much sense to us. I gained a new dimension of perspective of life of where we’ve come from. I heard a consistent hum, I felt it to be the hum of the universe. I felt warm, so pure, so ethereal, that warm blanket spreading over me. This was a bliss, an understanding of our inner spirals, how we eventually become one big spiral from a distance that is unimaginable. This feeling of how a fetus would feel in a womb, protected, serene and full of hope. These spirals that the universe gave birth too, and if we were to look beyond this life that we created ourselves from our ideas, we would find ourselves in this hum, in this echoed purity. It felt as though every time I did a balloon it was a future me sending the current me a message

It felt as though every time I did a balloon it was a future me sending the current me a message

; on one particular page I have written “we are pure, I hope that’s enough”. The idea of an idea; these spirals which consistently warm around one another, releasing energy, echoing an idea which another spiral will take into its own, and repeat it to the others. That disgusting doubt we have about ourselves about how ugly we are and we convince ourselves we are worthless was gone in those moments and I felt my significance. Over thousands of years, we’ve only echoed each other cos that’s how we've always felt comfortable.

Watching TV, we noticed how everything is so precisely scripted and constructed. From the way we look, from thinking that making a certain facial expression would look good, to how someone should react to a certain situation. I could not stop laughing. We kept saying “this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen” and really it was. Our lives have been built around a construction of someone else’s idea, and so on. Nothing is original, and everything is so petty and meaningless. Forever stuck in these traps we’ve made for humanity. Yet our spirals still spin endlessly, the universe keeps expanding. The shapes I saw makes so much sense, what seemed like just a circle at the beginning in my mind beating, turned into the shape of a tear drop which spun in the endless spiral. This tear drop shape. We see it everywhere. The way that we join our thumb with our index finger in the meditative pose is not a circle but a teardrop in my opinion, the endless spinning. It grows and grows. Everything. There’s always a perspective. Like a scene on TV, the way our buildings are structured, there’s a never ending perspective. It’s all so subconscious.  We’re forever spinning. At one point the tear drop changed shape which I cannot explain I would have to draw out, very Hindu scripture like or something.

I felt at peace, I felt I realised my place in the universe, and I don’t fear death as much anymore. Throughout the whole trip, whenever I looked at the time, time had been passing so slowly and I loved it. The night was eventually wearing off and we turned off all the lights, but the visuals were still so amazing, endless colours and shapes, feeling like we could move them and shape them with our finger tips. Not knowing if we slept when we closed our eyes, morning came and there was barely a hangover, a very happy feeling of content and perspective.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 104801

Gender: Female

Age at time of experience: 26

Published: Feb 19, 2022	Views: 908

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LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3), First Times (2)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 52.5 mg
		 oral
		 LSD

		   T+ 0:37
		 52.5 mg
		 oral
		 LSD

		   T+ 1:06
		 105 mg
		 oral
		 LSD

		   T+ 1:30
		 105 mg
		 oral
		 LSD

		   T+ 5:45

		 smoked
		 Cannabis

		   T+ 7:15

		 smoked
		 Cannabis

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   205 lb

LSD trip, Saturday morning, starting at 5:00 AM!

I am drinking half a gallon of grapefruit juice over last night the day of the trip.

Magnesium supplements – 2.5 grams

T+0 52.5mcg – oral –LSD

T+0:37 – 52.5 mcg – oral-LSD

T+1:06 – 105 mcg – oral-LSD

T+1:30 – 105 mcg – oral-LSD

T+5:45 smoked a little bit of weed

T+7:15-smoked a little bit of weed

Setting – our quiet house, just me and my wife, phone off, a very peaceful atmosphere!

T+00 took half a tab. I'm testing a new batch of LSD, the tabs are supposed to be 105 micrograms but you can never tell for sure before you try. At the same time I am drinking grapefruit juice, overall about half a gallon of fresh organic juice. It slows metabolism of some drugs, my regular trips last very short (6-7 hours) so I extend them to 10+ with the juice. I'd been taking huge does of magnesium supplements for a few days as I remember my jaws grind a lot when tripping. Apart from grapefruit juice and magnesium I haven't been taking any drugs or medications for a while.

T+0:30 barely noticeable dizziness. It seems the tabs aren't too strong.

7+0:37 took another half

T+1:00 I feel slightly weird

T+1:06 took a second tab

T+1:30 I feel I need one more. Taking 3rd tab.

For now what I mostly feel is... being cold :-)

T+1:50 The trip is getting stronger. I needed to read lyrics to a song I was listening to, I turned on W-Fi for a second and somehow got text messages from work. It disrupted my peace, they want to exploit me 24/7 though I’m not “on call” and it’s my day off. I am suddenly overwhelmed by anger… the word “company” – shouldn’t it mean we enjoy each other’s company instead of being together just for money, but hating and lying to each other?

T+2:00 I put on headphones and blindfold, enjoy awesome music and amazing closed eye visuals!

T+3:00 now I can say I'm tripping balls! Amazing open eye visuals, the walls in the room switch from green to red, everything is moving! I think it's the strongest trip I've ever had and I feel great.

T+4:15 I come to realization how this world works. I create different versions of reality with each decision of mine. Let's say I have to turn left or right, I create two separate universes but my current consciousness stays with one only. Therefore with every choice I pick between love and fear and thus make my world either a bit better or a bit worse. I can choose love every time and thrive!

Again (similar to 2 other past trips) I perfectly understand quantum physics… how looking at things influences their state…

AMAZING VISUALS. I feel like I am inside a huge colorful metallic disco ball!

A thought pops up… To be happy you have to learn how to let go - everything including this life. Most people can't ever do it and even in their last minutes they try to hold on to everything. Many let go only mere seconds before death. I'll be happiest if let go right now.

T+4:45 I’m thinking about people I work with, people I meet… I decide to make more positive impacts in their lives.

T+5:00 I know this is by far the best of all trips I ever had (and I’ve had about 15).

T+5:45 my trip is getting weaker and I decide to smoke a little bit of weed, 1-2 small puffs

A few minutes later I am getting something called synesthesia. I can see sounds, I can hear colors. I see everything as floating energy and have a feeling I can see through walls and around me (though I am pretty sure now it was just a feeling). Weed plus LSD = WOW! I am putting on headphones and I can see sounds flowing through space… kind waves with sharp edges, flowing in a magnetic ocean. So cool!

T+5:50 words and terms are being diffused, they mix in my heads and suddenly none of them means anything. I am trying to write something but it's hard as words lose their meaning…

It doesn't matter what I'll write…

After the weed I have moments where I sort of (not totally) forget who I am and where I am but what's really cool is it doesn't bother me, I am really calm and happy.

After the weed I have moments where I sort of (not totally) forget who I am and where I am but what's really cool is it doesn't bother me, I am really calm and happy.

 I think this peace comes with experience, if this happened on my second or third trip I would freak out.

Then suddenly I start feeling all of my senses on, let's say, molecular level. I take a bite of something and like in slow motion I can feel single nerves from my tongue hitting by brain and creating flavor. The same with vision, I see how patches of my rods and cones send signals to my brain and how my brain makes up an image.

Yes, MAKES UP, now I am absolutely sure our senses send us very little information; it's our mind that connects the dots and decides what we see. We can be easily fooled!

OH WOW I can see 5th dimension… at least the 4th !!! I see physical objects together with their timeline!

I am also absolutely certain (at the time, at least) that when focusing of something I can actually influence time flow. When I focus on present moment, time expands, when I focus on future, it shrinks! And then… I suddenly understand what God’s universal love is… it is sort of a frequency and by being still we're able to get in sync with that frequency. I am always able to hear it if I don’t rush, if I take some time and sit still.

T+6:50 I rule the universe! I actually rule MY UNIVERSE... In my universe I am the only GOD. Everything else is not quite real and depends on my perception. At least in this dimension.

T+ 6:55 I think I can move my consciousness away from my head. I am trying to go into my wife’s head but every time I point my attention at it, I hear some sort of grinding sound.

T+ 6:55 I think I can move my consciousness away from my head. I am trying to go into my wife’s head but every time I point my attention at it, I hear some sort of grinding sound.

 I can't do it, at least at the moment.

T+7:00 Visuals are still amazing. When I look at my wife, I can see her face but everything around her is melting, looking like liquid metal in which she is floating.

I have moments in which I feel like I am not a separate being, I am united, everything is one, it's a kind of ego death, but what still amazes me most that it's my first time when I really am not scared at all.

I think I'd normally be worried my mind won't get back to normal but now I feel happy and I trust everything will go well, whatever will happen will be good for me.

T+7:15 I smoked a bit of weed again. I can see auras of all living creatures. I am looking at my wife and see she has different halos of different colors, surrounding her.

I can easily see her emotions, I have a feeling I can see her thoughts. I'm telling her that, she's asking me what she's feeling or thinking and I'm telling her.

I'm looking at a plant and I can swear I can see it breathing and I can sense its energy! It's so amazing!

T+8:00 I have a new kind of synesthesia, I can see sounds, and also see flavor... I am eating a delicious meal and again I can feel every synapse firing, bringing information from my nose and mouth and eyes to my brain.

If I could always eat with such an amazing mindfulness s I would never ever eat junk as now I know that junk food basically kills your senses with huge amounts of fat, sugar and salt just to get a lot of dopamine bursts.

T+9:00 I am looking at a movie and I can see now human faces are far from symmetric. On the TV screen they all look pretty ugly to me.

My trip is now fading a bit.

T+11:00 I’m listening to music and suddenly decide all songs I'll be composing I will start with the bass line! I’m asking my wife to help find one of our daughter’s vinyl records and I put it on. I am amazed with the quality of sound, high frequencies; the music is so alive to me as if I can see who’s playing and singing. I am asking my wife to get me a record player for my birthday :)

My trip is almost gone. No more visuals, I will go and listen to some music and cool down.

Then I get super hungry, eat like 2 different meals, 5 different snacks and 2 hours later drift to sleep, happy and fulfilled.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116200

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 46

Published: Mar 9, 2022	Views: 946

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LSD (2) : General (1), Combinations (3), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)