		 DOSE:

		 3 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   125 lb

I should preface this, because it’s kind of yanked out of context, considering it was a blog entry written in the days immediately following the trip and previous blog entries help outline the prior situation. Basically I had gotten back to university after Christmas break and had done rather badly in some of my courses. Not from any trouble I had in my courses, but because I lacked the iniative and effort to do anything towards the end, despite my excellent start back in September and October. This was driving me mad, because I realize that I'm a fairly intelligent person, and the fact I didn't work hard was eating me up. All week I had terrible anxiety, and me, a person who never stresses over anything, getting anxiety. I couldn't sleep, I felt ill all week and my appetite was gone, beyond what cafeteria food usually does to it.

However I was given a second chance in one of the courses, and the end of the week saw a recovery of my former spirits, particularly since an old friend R----n came to spend the weekend with us, and he was in a really good mood to have escaped M---u for a few days and R----n's moods are always really contagious, so I caught some and cheered up. So I figured that I would be in a good mindset for the impending trip.

Silly me for failing to put two and two together. Bad weeks make for bad trips, although it seems that almost everyone had a nasty time Saturday night. So nasty in fact that we were sitting in the hospital Sunday morning, which is always the worst way to end a trip. In fact I think this will be last trip for a very long time. That stage in my life where I was interested in lsd to the point of doing it on a semi-regular basis seems to have come to an end. Not that a bad trip scared me off it, but it really made me think about myself and improving upon my slackness and my lack of assertiveness. Tripping just becomes a needless exercise in intellectual masturbation and in a way, ego stroking. I really don't need that.

Well, now its time for the story about the trip, perhaps the part that people find most amusing. Well originally I was going to trip on January 11th (Albert Hoffman’s 100th birthday) which due to my bad math (I'm an arts student!) I thought was Monday, but was actually a Wednesday. Wednesday would never work because it is a full day of classes, whereas Monday classes were over by 11:30am leaving all afternoon. I realized my dates were wrong on Saturday, so I decided to trip that day along with O--e, L----n, P--l, I---c and A--m who were all tripping Saturday anyways. I---c and A--m were first timers at tripping so we had resolved to show them a good time.

They all dropped around 3:30pm while I stayed sober to guide them into the first part of their trip and I was waiting for P--e to get back, since he wanted to trip. P--e arrived in around 4:30 but we decided to wait a little longer so I could keep watch over those five. At 5:30, just as the cafeteria opened, P--e and I dropped. Both he and I took three hits which was the most either of us had taken and in retrospect, this different batch was stronger than we were expecting. I went down for supper since I needed something on my stomach for the night, but I was hoping all the way that the acid would hold off long enough that I could eat supper and talk without hallucinating. I've had times when I was full out tripping in under half an hour, but after half an hour I was only feeling a bit loopy. So I headed back to my room where the rest of the trippers were.

Everyone was having a good time, enjoying how the drug was playing with their perceptions, except for L---n who was feeling rather ill. Soon I was feeling really nauseous too. There is slight amount of nausea involved at the beginning of the trip, but this was ridiculous, I felt like I was really going to vomit. It might have been the people smoking in the room, since I felt better sitting in the hallway where the air was cooler and clearer. I went back in and P--e and P--l were watching a documentary I had gotten for Christmas, called 'World War One in Colour.' We got to see the trenches in blazing colour, all that brown mud and blue sky. The acid made watching it absolutely amazing, the historical figures and events coming totally alive for us in our imaginations. However, watching that documentary was a mistake since it set the whole trip in a sombre mood, when we should have had a much more whimsical setting. Plus we didn't make much use of music, which is extremely powerful at setting an atmosphere. Instead we let P--l play war games on my computer. Every time I walked into my room I could here shouts in guttural German and bursts of machine gun fire. No mellow Beatles.

Well we tired of things in my room and decided to go for a walk. P--e, O--e, L----n, P--l and I with C----y as our trip-sitter went down to the train tracks near the bottom of C----g Road. Of course before we left we had noticed that I---c and A--m had disappeared, but I was not terribly concerned because they had not taken much. We arrived down on the tracks and admired the graffiti melting but the huge chunks of ice were far more interesting. I could watch all the crystals morph into strange geometric fractal patterns. We walked southward down the tracks for about 10 minutes until we reached the next overpass. Along the way (the tracks are canyon dug into solid rock) we looked at the ice formations on the rock face. When we arrived at the overpass we were starting to get some bad vibes. At first I'd thought we'd met up with some other sketchy looking people down there, but that was just my perception playing tricks on me. However we started to feel panicky because we didn't feel familiar with the area.

L----n was feeling particularly upset about where we were, so we all decided to head back. C----y was with us, but said little to reassure us so we forgot that he wasn't tripping with us. I felt much better when I got back up on C----g Road, although the light traffic seemed almost threatening to my state of mind. It was around 8pm when we got back to the room. It was at this point the trip started to get horrendous for me. The three hits were peaking at this point and I was tripping way harder than I wanted to be.

Back in the room, my mind felt like it was drowning in this bizarre world. Normally, lsd at smaller doses gives me a distant sense of reality, but reality was gone entirely now. The room seemed like it was entirely a bizarre construction of mind. The other problem was that everyone else was nearly as loopy as me, since C----y had left us and we were tripping off each other. We couldn't figure out what time it was or how long we had been tripping. Basically the consensus was that we had lost something, but we didn't know what it that was making us panic. My mind was no where near the coherent state it is usually and I felt like I was falling farther into the trip with no bottom in sight. The visuals were absolutely insane, with objects morphing into other objects and the like. My vision was nearly entirely fractals at some points. The best way to describe it was as if someone had gotten the world wet and the ink ran.

I became very restless because my mind was so incoherent. I wandered from bed to bed in the room, lying down and crawling into a foetal position in some attempt to make it stop. The trip was making every moment of existence complete and utter hell. I wanted to stop existing immediately in order to make it stop. I am not someone who has suicidal thoughts, so the back of mind reminded me that death was not something I truly desired. I realized why I wanted to hang on to existence so much, because existence is certainty, hell as it was; non-existence being not in my experience (since I've done nothing but exist) was an uncertainty. I lay down with the hope that I could pass out to stop this consciousness, but I hung on to my pillow for dear life. My head was on my side and all I could see was my hand spread out next to it and I watched it, as the skin's pattern seemed to flow, the hair marching up and down my arm. My mind began to break the universe down into its base of energy and matter, space and time.

All I knew about mathematics and physics seemed to make sense at the time, the universe didn't seem to be any sort of a puzzle. I could see the whole thing spread out before me but it was so abstract I can't really put it into words at this point.

I looked up and the posters on my wall seemed fully alive. The figures in them were moving around just like the magical pictures in Harry Potter do. By this point C----y and R----n had come back and realized that I was acting totally out of my mind. I found this attention on my situation to be very upsetting and I kept trying to respond to their inquiries if I was all right in some coherent manner, to allay their fears, because I would have rathered face it alone rather than concern them. Of course I failed miserably at being coherent, but the really interesting thing was that I could say something and immediately perceive exactly what they perceived me to mean by what I said, even if I meant something different. I felt able to read their thoughts to a great extent. Of course besides the extra sensory perception, I had voices in my head talking to me about seemingly every subject, from philosophy to dinner. I felt like I was truly out of my mind, and I knew at the time most of these symptoms (including the visuals) were very close to those of schizophrenia. I started to fear about being in this hellish state forever and having the consequences like my parents coming and me having to drop out of university appear.

When I am on any sort of psychedelic substance, the idea of bad consequences is a truly terrifying one. I went back to lay on my bed and started to talk to my self, not like having a conversation, but talking to myself as a form reassurance. I kept repeating the phrase 'this is such a bad trip' out loud as well as the word 'time' and other things like 'oh my god' and the amount I took and at what time. I kept repeating 'time' because I vaguely realized that if I had to fight this drug, I had time on my side and I would win out in the end. However, this really concerned them and R----n came into my room alone and lay next to me in an attempt to talk to me. He was drunk and so couldn't understand in what state of mind I was currently in, but somehow convinced me I needed a shower (which is better for curing being drunk). When in the state of mind I was in, it was easier to go take the shower (with much coaxing) than argue why I didn't need it. I stood in the shower talking to myself, hot water running off me (I remembered to take my clothes off though) tripping out really badly as the shower tiles rearranged themselves based on their mood(shower tiles have moods?).

I could hear everyone talking about me in the room, but I'm pretty sure I can't hear through that wall while I'm sober. Or else I was imagining it. I came out and ran into a rather drunk N--k who noticed that I was out of my skull and wanted to know what was wrong to which I replied, 'nothing, it's just a bad trip.' Of course with a bad trip, nothing in particular is wrong, just that everything is wrong.

The shower helped, because I started coming down a bit after. The water felt real, and reality felt good being so out of it. When I got back into the room, I---c and A--m were back. Apparently they had just gone back to their residence to play video games, but we panicked a bit since we thought we had lost them. I was still tripping hard, but some mental coherency had returned and the panic had subsided. I sat on my bed, clad only in underwear and a bathrobe, looking very much look a ghost I was so pale and wet. A-i (who was tripping, but not with us) and T-m came to see me and remark about how fucked I looked, A-i saying that I looked like I was at death's door. The visuals were still very powerful, but they were subsiding.

I felt and some points though that I was going to slip back into the worst part of the trip. By midnight I was back in my regular state of mind, despite still obvious hallucinations. O--e and L----n headed home just after midnight, along with I---c and A--m. P--e and P--l stuck around for another hour as we talked about our trips. P--l said his was pretty good, while P--e complained that his was bland and sub-par despite taking three hits. I certainly could not complain of a sub par trip. By this point my mood had really improved and I was in a fairly whimsical mood, hugging my mental coherency like a relative at an airport now that it was back. I went to bed around 2am after classifying my trip as a level 4 psychedelic experience compared to a usual level three.

I didn't sleep well, my mind was too full of thoughts and wouldn't shut off. Usually I can fall asleep rather quickly because I'm exhausted, but this time was different. I wasn't the only one though, everyone didn't sleep that night. At 7:15am the telephone roared across my near trance like state. It was O--e, and He was asking if I could come over to his residence and help calm down L----n who was schitzing out. I felt that since we all tripped together it was my duty to help everyone come down all right. I headed over, and the chill dawn air was very clearing for my thoughts. When I got there, I realized that the long spindly fingers of paranoia had gotten a hold of L----n's mind. She had 'the Fear.' Basically she was really scared that she couldn't fall asleep, and that something was wrong. She could never articulate what exactly was wrong, and what she did describe fit all the medical effects of lsd, stress and exhaustion.

The problem with something like this is that it is self-reinforcing. If she believed that something was physically wrong with her, then she would feel something to that effect. She was inconsolable and wanted to go to the hospital. I really knew that they could not do anything for her, other than tell her to let it wear off and get some sleep and I didn't want the three of us ending our trip in a hospital which is the worst way to end a trip. A friend, Z--h drove us down to the hospital around 9:40am so L----n could get some professional help. Z--h and I sat in the waiting room and I found just what I wanted after an acid trip, on the magazine table. It was copy of Canadian Geographic with lots of pictures of the earth from orbit. That's exactly what I wanted to see, pretty pictures from space. Since L----n was in her pyjamas so Z--h and I had to go back to her room and find her health card while she and O--e saw a nurse. L----n's room was just a huge mess with clothes everywhere, so Z--h and I spent 20 minutes searching for her wallet in the room.

I must say it was one of the messiest rooms I've ever seen. We got back, but in the end L----n didn't need the health card since the nurse told her to smoke some pot and get some rest, saying that he'd done his fair share of acid. Of course we didn't smoke any pot, but rather went right to bed, but she didn't fall asleep till late that afternoon. I went to bed at 11 am but before falling asleep I had visions of the hell of the trenches, complete with soldiers religiously crucified in the mud of No Man's Land. Rather disturbing, but I was exhausted. In fact I was fried for two days afterwards. That's the longest I've ever gone.

That was a summary of my worst trip ever, in direct contrast to the best trip ever, which had taken place a month previous. As much detail as I put into this account, my words are inadequate to explain everything I thought and felt in this experience. Oddly a bad trip has done little to dissuade my interest in lsd, comparable to the one time I got alcohol poisoning and didn’t drink any alcohol for a year, and to this day drink extremely occasionally.

Exp Year: 2006	ExpID: 50960

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: May 28, 2006	Views: 38,411

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LSD (2) : Hangover / Days After (46), Bad Trips (6), Small Group (2-9) (17)


		 DOSE:

		 oral
		 Opium
		 (tar / resin)

		 3 drops
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (liquid)

		 smoked
		 Cannabis
		 (plant material)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   165 lb

Background info: Heavily experienced psychonaut at the age of 18, freshman at Uni.  This took place on the most gorgeous of weekends here in the fabulous Eureka/Arcata area. I have dove deep within the world of psilocybin and LSD, I'm a professional at testing and greatly pushing my limits, but never have I taken a LSD dose this massive.

I awoke Friday, not feeling very limber, so I decided not to attend my classes.  After tossing and turning during the morning hours, I recalled two beautiful asian poppy plants growing dowtown that just needed to be plucked. I returned home and started turning the plant matter into that sweet sticky tar. I got a little too ancy-in-the-pancy and most likely killed some opiate alkaloids with rapid heating, but all-in-all the product yeild was quite pleasing.  I spent the whole of Friday chasing the dragon, eating bits here and there, vaporizing my sweet endorphin pellets. All the while, seriously longing for someone to share this experience with, no friends were about to be sedated with, kind of a lonely feeling.

I left some friends in Arcata, who we'll call #1 and #2, a message Friday night stating, 'I MADE OPIUM!!!  GET THE FUCK OVER HERE TOMORROW!!!'  (This was more of a slurred mumbling rather than an exclaimation, as I was heavily doped-up).  I was so high of opiates that I could barely remember to smoke my cannabis ever now-and-then.  This proved usefull for the following days.

I had vaporized and consumed about half of my opium yeild on Friday, and decided my achievement was in dire need of sharing, so I forced myself off the binge in order to save tomorrows social entertainment.

My friends arrived the following day at approx. noon to commence the fabled lizard chasing. I prepared them some opium-Tang (everybody loves Tang!) and told them to drink it while I prepared the pipe and an explanation of how to properly heat and inhale to opium.  The two thoroughly enjoyed the experience, all while bearing in mind that I probably wasted a good portion of the alkaloids with excessive heating during extraction.  These were the people to share this prize with, they appreciated what I had to offer, no matter how strong/weak the potency.

After vaporizing all we could, I dissolved the remaining opium, about 1.5 gms, into a bottle of water. The two girls wanted to go to Trinidad (aka heaven on Earth) to smoke some herbals before one of the two had to go to work.  We picked up another girl, #3, and headed off to Trinidad.  #1, #2, and I all passed the bottle around, taking a major gulp each, before I offered the remainder of the opium brew to #3.  We arrived at Trinidad and commenced a smoking for about an hour.

While in Trinidad, me and #1 started talking about LSD, and #1 mentioned she knew a guy with some amazing LSD.  After some diliberation, we decided that we'd return to HSU so #2 could get her car and go to work, I had to check-up on my bicycle at the local bike shop, and #1 wanted to grub some munchies.  So the plan was, #1 was going to keep calling the LSD dude while I ran my quick errands and grabbed a bite as well.

I lost #1 for awhile, mixed communication regarding the rendez-vous point, and met some others I knew who offered some herbals.  So off to the woods I went, returning shortly, a little happier, a little lighter. I asked my immediated smoking companions to call #1 on her cell phone to tell her I'm looking for her. Turns out #1 was getting some quick studying in before the big melt-down that was doomed to insue. So I sat in the gazebo an chatted with some strangers.

#1 caught word that the LSD guy was wonderng about the local swap with a few others. So we decided to investigate and seek-out this character, as he wasn't answering his cell phone. But low and behold, we found them right away, within 30 seconds after stepping into the mushy bog.

#1 and I smoked some herbals with these individuals while I introduced myself and shook hands. We asked the dude about his LSD, and he said, 'Oh, I just happen to have it on me, I dont know why I grabbed it.'

And I responded, 'How 'bout dosing me right now?'

He said, 'Sure!'

I asked for 3 drops in my palm, which I then licked down the hatch.  Little did I realize how much LSD I had just took.  I'm used to LSD being about 150-350ug/dose, shortly after taking my hits I was informed that this particular LSD was calibrated to  [Erowid Note:
Claims of measured microgram dosages for LSD are usually unsupported. Quantitative measurements for LSD are very difficult to do and cannot be done casually. Without further detailed information about how the measurements were derived, it is reasonable to assume that most statements of microgram dosages of LSD on blotter or in microdots are either misinformed or overstated.]  800ug/dose.  No wonder those individuals looked at me like I was insane when I licked my palm and rubbed my wet hands on my temples.

Within 10 minutes I had a sharp metallic taste in my mouth, and a strong burning sensation on my tongue where the LSD touched. It felt like I munched some scolding hot pizza down, all while acquiring 3rd degree burns in my mouth. The taste of metal was really strange and alarming.

We left shortly after I dosed, #1 drove me back to the the parking lot where we had to wait for the LSD dude again, #1 was hesitant to drop right then-and-there, as she wanted to remain as sober as possible while she escorted me home to Eureka, via the bus.  #1 decided to only drop 1 hit, that's still 800ug, that's a pretty strong dose too.  While sitting in the car in the parking lot, I began to notice this extreme pressure growing within me, like I was filled with a baking soda/vinegar solution and vigorously shaken.  I was going to explode.

During this building of massive internal pressure, I noticed I had to drain my resevoir, and I exclaimed to #1, 'I have to hit a bathroom!'

We continued to walk around campus, I was more-or-less floating, I seriously couldn't feel my limbs, or body for that matter, whatsoever at this point.  The world started to pick-up speed and I felt as if I became MARVEL's The Flash.  All the while I was asking for reassurance from #1 that I was 'acting normal'  and everytime I was informed that I was acting exactly as I do when sober.  The bathroom proved to be a difficult situation, I was fighting the problem with communication between me and my prick, I was so spacey that I could barely commence urinating.  This whole experience in the toilet was accompanied by a stranger in the stall behind me with a faulty Evenrued boat motor that he couldn't seem to get to kick over.

I spent some awkward moments in the hallway outside the ladies bathroom awaiting #1, thanking my lucky-fucking stars that no one talked to me.  After #1 emerged from her 'head-call', she suggested we head to her dorm so she could roll a joint, then make for the woods.  A very excellent idea.

We finished the joint and started toward the bus stop, convieniently located in a very public place.  This is where things went array.  Within 5 minutes after sitting down, the area was swarmed with people, maybe some Saturday classes were released just then, Jesus Christ there was a lot of people coming out of the woodwork.

We had a 40 minute wait until the bus was arrived, and #1 was determined to take this bus as an 'adventure to my house!'

Well this adventure was cut short when I started to completely dematerialize into the world around me, I felt as if I had been ripped and torn until I was separated into nothing but atoms and molecules.  At this point I very calmly proclaimed to #1, '...you need to call a friend to get me out of here...'

She said, 'dont worry, you're acting fine...'

and I responded, 'I'm keeping my cool, but I cant see any sign of reality around me...'

I added, 'I literally cannot stand-up, I cant see the ground, or the sky...'

I completely lost touch with the 'real' world right about here, the LSD was only in my blood for about 1 1/2-2 hours when this point was reached.  After what seemed like days, #1 friend, the life-saver, showed up.  The relief I felt was super-natural, never was I so happy as to be isolated from those without the third-eye.  Girl #3, from the Trinidad trip, reappeared, she was with the life-saver.

They dropped me off at the intersection by my studio apartment, I have no idea how I managed to stumble into my abode, my house keys seemed meaningless to me. I could barely figure out how to unlock my door.

I immediately secured the the dead-bolt for extra security.  My tripping companion, #1, and my sober sitter, #2, knocked on the door about ten minutes later, they had stopped in on #3 at work to get some free grubbin's. I wanted to watch movies, but #1 insisted I pull out my markers and paper for a trip art session.  Two hours of trip art was an excellent idea, I rarely do anything but play video games and watch movies when I trip, #1 was a great motivation to keep me moving and active while I was under, over, and beyond.  Upon reviewing the art after coming down, I decided it was a most excellent masterpiece, a fabulous form of mixed abstract art.

We filled up two 18''x24'' pieces of sketch paper with dazzling scwiggles and faces becoming faces, most inspiring.  After we dubbed our work complete, #3 knocked on the door. She commenced to explain how tired she was from work, so they decided to smoke some herbals to cool me down before they left. They fed me bowl after bowl for about thirty minutes, and then they had to leave. Little did I realize how long a night this would turn out to be.

I was about 4-5 hours into the trip when my companions left me. The particular visuals that I can recall include: wormholes, lasers emitting from my fingertips, seeing the fabrics coposing the space/time continueom, the living dead (VERY frightening), enormous dark neon-green floating dice all around my apartment (which stayed in place, despite rapid blinking to destroy the visual), the alphabet burst out of my chest cavitity flying about the room in a yellow haze before vigorously striking and sticking to my skin and finally seeping into my body.

These sort of hallucinations, accompanied with complete depersonalization, composed my apartment from 8:00pm to roughly 8:00am.  I had taken the LSD at around 4:00pm the day before, so this adds up to a solid sixteen hours of complete dissemination of the surrounding universe, no dwindling away of the LSD strength, it ran strong and hard the entire time, visuals were as intense as the peak until I slipped into a frizzle-fry daze between 4:00am and 7:00am, all I remember during this last phase of the trip was the sounds one would expect to hear on a spaceship as the alien captain spills his space coffee on the command-post.

I realize that I was borderline freak-out with the whole situation.  I whole-heartedly believe if I didn't carry the phrase, 'Mind over Matter,' throughout my experiences in hyperspace, I would not be 'here' today to discuss this report.

If there's one thing I regret about this trip, it's the fact that I never let go to flow with the current, I felt I had to wade in the liquid-existence in order to preserve myself, but I learned this all could've been greatly more enjoyable if I would just swam with the tide, rather than gently fighting it.

Negative side effects: immense internal pressure (resulting in back pain and bizarre physical sensations, e.i. twisting limbs, melting internal organs, boiling/popping/frying brain), greatly exaggerated mental fatigue (thus the downtime between 4:00am-7:00am), forced viewing of unwanted frighteningly vivid visuals (e.i. the living dead in my apartment).

Exp Year: 2006	ExpID: 50701

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: May 28, 2006	Views: 57,297

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LSD (2) : Various (28), Difficult Experiences (5)


		 DOSE:

		 3 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   120 lb

It was my third time ever doing acid, first time doing paper. I was convinced I had it under control, that I was the boss of this drug...but I was still a lightweight, this I knew. I only did it under safe conditions, with a person I trusted and loved, what could go wrong, right?

The first time I did acid was in Las Vegas. As I came up I was reminded of my early days in some dingy club doing X. That bubbly stomach feeling, the anticipation, the happiness and buzzing. It was a wonderful experience, hours spent watching sharks at Mandalay Bay, wandering around the Bellagio, having sex and showers back in the hotel room. I really liked that first experience, even if it was only one and a half hits of some fairly week liquid.

The second time was in another city away from home, spent on a rainy day at a zoo. We ran into another guy higher than a kite on acid, and I experience paranoia and alienation as we wandered the deserted downtown core. I did a bit more this time, and was a bit more nervous. There were moments where I felt like things were a bit different than my first trip, that they slipped out of my grip in my mind for a few moments, but they were fleeting, and only on the come down, and easily controlled. They did not compare to the spiral that was about to occur a month later.

In the fall of 2005 my parents went out of town. My boyfriend had gotten a hold of some rare (in our city) paper, with some beautiful art work on it. There were two sheets, one with relatively a normal scenes of pregnant women fucking, and gay men getting it on, and then the a crazy sheet with walking penises with bug legs and dogs fucking women. He did a hit when he got the paper, initially, the night after we had tried some 2CI. The effects were underwhelming, to say the least, and he said that the paper wasn’t as strong as he had hoped for either. We now think that was just due to left over effects of the 2CI, possibly, as the paper was quite strong.

I planned to do three tabs, him four, and spend a few hours at the waterpark, riding on slides and on tubes, enjoying the giant playground it was. We got changed and I gave my stuff to my boyfriend for safekeeping in the men’s locker room, suspecting I would be in no shape to find my locker in the sea of hundreds in the women’s locker room. It was early in the day on a weekday, about 1300h and there were dozens of young families, notably young teenage moms about. There was a distinct family air, and it made me feel a bit uncomfortable. But we played in the wave pool for a bit, and rode the slides that were open (with more to open at 1600h). I started to come up in the pool, and it felt great to be tossed about by my boyfriend and the waves, feeling like we were at the beach. The sun was shining through the glass ceiling, and the water seemed warm, the whole place tropical.

We decided to hit the slides again, and as we walked up the stairs, I started to feel a bit panicky. I’ve never gotten along well with heights, and the combination of the acid and slippery metal stairs were a bit much to handle. The wave motion from the pool had stuck with us, and we laughed as I reached for the handrail near the top of one of the super tall slides and commented that I wished the tower would stop swaying. In combination with this, the god-awful music they were playing began to echo and reverb throughout the metal and glass structure. It was ringing in my ears, and at times sounded like an insane troupe of monkeys in some jungle scene. It was a bit disorientating and got on my nerves, setting me on edge a bit.

Going down the slides was phenomenal. It was like flying on a carpet across clouds, gliding and sliding across the ocean, hydroplaning across a lake in early morning. Every turn and tunnel in the slide was a new adventure, even after the third or fourth time going down. The splashdown was like a full body orgasm, like being tossed about in a washing machine. It was incredible. The climb up, however, had gotten no easier, and I found I was getting a bit more disorientated. I was having trouble finding the stairs up, thinking I was going up a down, or that I would get in trouble from the young slide guards about. There seemed to be water water everywhere, without a drop to drink. The fountain was hidden well, and was near a small children’s pool. I felt a bit guilty trying to maintain my laughing while we approached the fountain. I’ve never been able to wrap my head around the fact that no one can really tell if I’m on acid or not, and this was no exception. I decided I was getting worn out from being tossed about in the slides, and we went back to the main wave pool for a bit. It was about 1500h by now, and I was definitely feeling things strongly. There was a general feeling of happiness, but also a bit of confusion. I was getting tired quite fast, and a bit weary of all the work I had to do while on the slides. It was definitely worth all the work, but it was a bit tougher than I thought it would be, that’s all.

Back in the wave pool, the water seemed, suddenly, to be ice cold. The sun had disappeared behind some insane spiraling clouds. Ahhhh there were the visuals. The temperature of the water and the terrible music and auditory hallucinations were forgotten as I stared at the tropical themed mural. The palms trees swayed and the waves painted on the walls moved as if they were the real ocean. It was unbelievable, and better than the first two times I had done acid.

We decided the water was too cold, and went off to a hot tub to warm up. I was quite concerned we would spend too much time in there and our brains would boil, so I was constantly getting in and out of the water, too impatient to cool down full and too hot to stay in for long. There were about 10 people when we first go into the huge hot tub, and slowly everyone started to clear out. I became convinced it was because of my raucous laughter and crazy eyes, and started to feel self conscious again. The water was amazing, though, and I felt like I was becoming one with it. I became liquid, and was able to watch the murals and clouds at the same time if I wished, it was almost too much to handle. If I had been wearing pants, I would have peed in them. I finally understood why my boyfriend was such an acid fiend.

The heat of the hot tub, combined with the desire to do something different took hold, and we went for a water fountain walk. It was then that we saw they were powering up the slides for the 1600h opening. People were lining up for the new slides, ones with stronger water currents, more guards and signs declaring strong swimmers only. I felt more disorientated, and couldn’t make my mind up on which slide I wanted to go on, but was too impatient and cold to wander over to the slide map to decide which one would be best suited for me. So instead, I told my boyfriend to go on the ominous looking slide with a deep splash pool. It was like a large funnel, and tossed people out at the end into a fast moving water tornado of sorts. My boyfriend had been a swimmer for many years, but I had trouble remembering this as I watched the water get turned on to the slide. Everyone seemed prepared to go on it, but I most definitely was not. My stomach was turning over and I had trouble controlling my thoughts. The guards at the bottom of the slide took up their position with their safety poles and picked up the phone to communicate with the slide operator at the top. What was my boyfriend getting himself into?

As I watched this happen, I was certain that I heard my boyfriend’s distinctive laugh at the top of the slide. I suddenly felt worried that he was in trouble, that he couldn’t control himself. I looked down to the slide again, and one of the guards was making a disgusted face, looking up as something splashed down. She covered her head, as did several people in the area. I thought someone screamed as they ran across the deck. Basically, I had imagined that someone had either gotten caught in the slide, or shit themselves and caused either blood or shit to go raining down on those below. I thought everyone was scurrying about in a panic, and that they had dragged someone who had fallen under a stairwell for treatment. I couldn’t find my boyfriend. I started to imagine life without him, and got increasingly more tense. I started hyperventilating and staring away at nothing. I was distracted by a girl staring up at me, and I ran down a flight of stairs, wanting to find my boyfriend. I wanted to tell someone to please help me, I’m higher than I’ve ever been in my life, and I don’t know what’s going on. Did someone get hurt? Is it my boyfriend. But I knew it wasn’t feasible.

I looked to the slide again, and, miraculously (or, predictably, I suppose) my boyfriend splashed down. He was alright. I felt such extreme relief that I couldn’t even tell him what I had just imagined. I wanted to go home. I was done. I was too scared, too high to be at the waterpark. He seemed to have no problems negotiating the waterslide and had only had problems with his contact. He tried to get me to help him to find it on his eye, but I couldn’t see anything. The infernal music was infecting my brain again, and I felt like I was starting to panic again, as I didn’t want to make him go home early. We had planned for weeks to go to the waterpark, and I didn’t want to ruin the high I had going on. I leaned on his shoulder, and he asked me if I was hyperventilating on him. I didn’t want to smother him or make him feel like we were on different trips, so I said no, and then urged him to go on another waterslide. This, despite being so worried something might happen to him, I didn’t want to be apart from him. I said I was happier to watch people come down the slides, which was true, but I really wanted to be warm and dry.

I don’t remember exactly what prompted him to suddenly understand I had had enough of the waterpark, but, he did. He’s magic like that. He grabbed a hold of my hand, and we were off. I told him I was having a hard time understanding what was real and what was not, when in reality I really should have told him that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was getting lost, confused, and pulled into a spiral of fear in my head. I was getting pulled into a bad trip.

He went into the men’s locker room to get my stuff, and I pleaded with him to come right back, and even called after him into the locker room to not forget about me. I hung onto a construction railing, too scared to move, not really sure where I was. He came out with my bag, and said meet you on the other side. Little did he know how hard it was for me to get changed. I got lost in the showers, circling around them until I asked a girl where the changing area was. At the first patch of dry, I threw my clothes on over top. I remembered picking them earlier that day because they would be easy to get changed into, but they were anything but. I had almost forgotten at this point that I was high, and couldn’t understand why I looked like a wet dog, why my hands were shaking, why I was so confused.

The rows of lockers faced me, and twice I almost walked back into the waterpark instead of into the lobby like I was supposed to. I followed two girls who seemed to know where they were going, and thankfully they did. My boyfriend was waiting for me on the other side, and not since the waterslide I thought I lost him on had I felt so relieved. He guided me out of the waterpark, even though I tried to go up the down escalator twice. I thought the mall was closing, that everyone was going home, that we were being rushed out, even though it was just barely 1630h.

The stores of the mall streaked by, and he guided me to where we were going to get a taxi. I wasn’t sure where I was until I saw a Starbucks and felt oddly comforted by it. I felt like we were walking in loops, because my brain was definitely looping. I kept thinking about how high I was, and how my brain had created all I saw, and how amazing that was. Thinking a person’s car was a taxi, I walked up to it. My boyfriend pulled me back, and asked what I was doing. We went up to a real taxi, and as I peered in the window, the driver seemed scared. He said he had somewhere to be, that he couldn’t give us a ride to where we were going. I thought it was because he knew how fucked up I was, how I was confused and scared. We went back into the mall, and I kept pacing. There were security guards, and I felt scared. Why was I doing this again? If I didn’t look high, why did I feel so high? Where they going to follow us? Were they following us from the waterpark? Oh god, did I do something at the waterpark, something really terrible DID happen there. The hotel concierge called us a taxi, and he seemed to be talking in a different language. Where were we? Where were we going? What would I do when I got there?

The next thing I remember, I struggled with a seatbelt in the taxi, and held onto my bag, as it was the only thing I vaguely remembered and felt comforted by. I wasn’t even able to look at my boyfriend. I don’t remember much after this portion, only feeling bewildered and so HIGH. I remembered where I worked, but I wasn’t sure if I could ever work again. Would I go permanently insane, would my brain be fried forever, would my boyfriend have to care for me? Would he leave me? What would I tell my parents? My god, my parents.

I snapped back to reality near my house, suddenly realizing where we were. I looked out the window and I donâ€™t know if it was because of the heat in the taxi, the color of the light coming down or what, but I thought we had become time travelers and jumped ahead in time. I thought I had missed work, that my parents were home, that I had not taken care of the house like I was supposed to. I had lost touch with reality, I didn’t know what was going on. Suddenly, I felt the urge to vomit. As I did so, my boyfriend told the driver to pull over, and he turned around, angry that I had thrown up.

My memory, again, flashes in and out as we walked the 4 minutes to my home. I thought I heard sirens and the police helicopter as we walked home, and then I felt certain that we had done something wrong at the waterpark, and were in deep trouble. The grass hadn’t been cut in a week or so, and seemed so long. The house seemed unkempt, and as we walked in, I turned around to see the door open, and thought that someone had broken in. My little hands were clenched at my side and I felt so tense.

The next thing I remember is my boyfriend bringing me upstairs, being on the phone, talking to someone, asking me as I sat on my parents bed where my mom kept her painkillers. The drawer was locked, but I didn’t understand why he wanted the painkillers or who he was talking to, so I didn’t seem to care. He likened my response to a zombies.

He told me he was talking to his mom, and put me on the phone with her. She sounded worried, and told me everything would be okay and started to cry. My boyfriend yanked the phone back from me, and suddenly we were downstairs in the living room we never use. I laid on a leather couch as some people in uniform came in. I still didn’t know what was going on, even though my boyfriend told me several times he had called an ambulance. Two female paramedics and one male hovered near me. I looked at them listlessly and was not very cooperative. I wanted to tell them my brother was a paramedic. I wanted to say sorry they had to come.

But here came the acid again. One of the female paramedics was wearing glitter on her face. I thought she was a raver from back in the day, and was there to calm me using drugs and to take me to a special place.  My brain continued looping about something, about what I wasn’t sure. I think it mostly had to do with things never being normal again, and that I had done this to myself. They helped me into an ambulance, and from there I saw the kids across the street staring at me. How could it come to this?

As I laid on the stretcher, they put things in my nose and needles in my arm. They covered me in a beautiful warm blanket that lit up. The paramedics sniffed and rubbed their noses and I thought they were talking about drugs. For some reason I became convinced that they had been sent to get me away from my boyfriend, to avoid me bringing him into my loops of thought and the downward spiral I seemed to be on. I could see the sun setting from the back of the ambulance, and I thought I was dying. I couldn’t conceive of anything after the sunset, and I couldn’t see my boyfriend. I just wanted to be with him if I was going to die. I kept calling out his name, but couldn’t see him.

Suddenly, I relaxed, and I think I passed out. It was probably from the Attivan they gave me. I felt released from my terrible negative thoughts, I knew I wasn’t going to die, and that everything, other than the hospital bills, would be okay.

At the hospital, they gave me a bit of care, but nothing over the top. I thought, again, I was at some weird raver hospital, and they were going to take my organs or something. I kept seeing these strange visuals of thin sheaves of plastic with small glowing dots on them, sort of like graphing paper. I wasn’t cooperative or nice, but neither were they really. We were lucky to get off so easy, and I was released shortly thereafter.

We went home, and I watched the stars on my ceiling move around a bit until I fell asleep for a good 12 hours. I don’t know if I will ever do that amount of acid again, but I will probably do it again. I’ll just have a better hold of myself when things start to feel a bit funny, and will not be afraid to ask for help next time. I had asked my boyfriend to keep me safe, and he most definitely did.

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 46587

Gender: Female

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Jun 16, 2006	Views: 46,109

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LSD (2) : Festival / Lg. Crowd (24), Train Wrecks &amp; Trip Disasters (7)


		 DOSE:

		 2 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   160 lb

This was my first and only experience with acid, the pinnacle of my journey with hallucinogens and most of all, my search for spirituality (and of course the meaning of life).  The following is a part of a larger whole; an 80 page piece I wrote on my 'spiritual journey'.  However, instead of writing it in the normal fashion of drug experiences, it is in the context of the piece, i.e. a story, instead of merely a stating of facts.  Thus, while the IMPORTANT aspects of this experience remain, the details, such as all things having to do with this reality, are left out.  In other words, I don't say 'one day I met up with friend 'D' and decided to eat some acid, went to the woods, 2 hours later started seeing this and that'.

How to put this.  If the reader is seeking out the 'technical' information regarding acid, as in dosage, time frame, and main hallucinations, this is not the report to read.  What I have emphasized here are the philosophies and revelations that came to me, the spiritual progression, and the temporary insanity.  I personally, and hopefully you as well, feel that such progression is what is truly important in drug experiences, for that is why substances are used: to discover truth in and beyond this reality.

While I do have a notepad document of an 'earthly' version of this trip (in a tone as if telling it to a friend right after the trip), this is a slightly altered version that was integrated into my 80-page piece.  I decided to submit this version because I personally like it much better and I feel that the true essence of the trip is captured.  An experience out of this reality should be told as such, no?  In a way, this version is more 'true' than the version talking about specific place and time, for we were not truly present in that place and time during the trip.

To clear things up:  I did not add things to this version.  I did not make anything up.  The person who I encounter can be viewed however the reader likes, though I personally view 'him' (or 'her') as my spiritual guide, my anima if you will.  In other words, this was not a human being, but rather a being within myself.  I did, however, trip with a friend of mine, but considering we were simultaneously experiencing the same thoughts and emotions during the entire duration of the experience, I feel the addition of his presence is unnecessary.  Let me stop rambling .  I have written a couple experiences on here before under this same pen-name, and as you can tell, I enjoy writing.  Enjoy.

The ground was sloping downward and was soft, strewn with fallen leaves, and the whole place was somewhat dim, patches of sunlight breaking through every so often and lighting up the ground.  A slight breeze moved through and the leaves rustled very softly above me.  All the trees were very close together, and I had to find my way through the maze of trunks, that seemed to go off infinitely in every direction.  I stepped very attentively, careful to ensure that every placement of my feet made no lasting impression, and a feeling came over me that this place was sacred, in some way.  It was as if stepping into a completely different world, and it even had the hairs rising on the back of my neck.  I laid my hands on the trunks, feeling the cold within pulse against my skin.  The sense of life within it was strangely intense.  All was quiet; no sound other than the faint rustling of leaves and my own footfalls pierced the silence that pervaded that holy thicket.

Eventually the ground began to level out, yet the Madrones only clustered closer together, until they appeared to form a solid mass of tangled limbs and branches, barring the way ahead.  I came to a halt, took a deep breath, shook my head in frustration and forged onward, attempting to snake my way between the snarl of pointed arms.  Though I did so with much resolve, my movements were in no way similar to those of a snake, as countless twigs and boughs caught my clothing and scraped my skin, to the point of nearly pulling me to a stop.  I struggled on, at first mildly annoyed but very soon enraged, holding my arms crossed before me and my head bowed, plowing through as far as I could until I was completely obstructed and had to pull or push branches apart before pressing on.

Finally, with a last heave of momentum, I broke through a particularly dense tangle of limbs and fell face forward into bright sunshine.  Before I had a chance to pick myself, a soft chuckle came from just in front of me.  As I pushed myself to a kneeling position I tried to shade my eyes from the sun to discern what sort of cloaked figure was standing before me, yet it seemed as if the sun were coming from the form itself, for the blinding light came down at just the right angle to conceal the face of this person.

'Who are you?' I asked, though I did not expect a true answer.

'A friend..' he replied, for indeed a male voice came from beneath the hood, though it was a strange voice; while it primarily contained the bass of masculinity, higher, gentler feminine overtones resonated harmonically as a punctuation to the bass.

I heaved an exaggerated sigh of annoyance at the vagueness and replied with an edgy tone,  'well I really don't care anymore.  I just want to get out of this place.  Do you know the way or not?'

Another chuckle came that only aggravated me more, and the calm response of 'of course I do, as do you.'  But before I could interrupt, he continued. 'The true question is, what are you -really- looking for, my friend?'

I sighed again, this time a tired sigh, lowering my head to notice a lack of shadow coming from this figure, yet by this point I no longer cared.  I was tired of the illusions, the tricks, the deceptions, and the games.   Tired of being plagued by the confusion of religion and death, tired of having to think so damn much. I wanted a clear head and a clear set of directions, but all I had to go on was my own inconsistent perception.

'I'm looking for....' I finally spoke, 'the truth.'

'Ahh..the truth.  Quite a strange idea, truth is.  What is truth to one person can be false to another.  There are so many truths in this world, and so many lies.  In the end, though, only you can decide for yourself what the truth, truly, is.'  Another soft chuckle came, not so annoying this time.  'Regrettably, truth is the one thing I can not show you, at least as long as you possess free will and a unique mind.  However, if you so desire, I can show you much more than truth.'

At this I looked back up at the sunlight streaming over this figure's shoulders.

'Indeed.  I will grant you a vision of all things, though you must decide for yourself what is 'truth'.  I will provide you with the clarity you seek, for a price.'

'And what, might I enquire, would that price be exactly?'

'You must allow me to accompany you on this journey through space and time, for I don't want you getting lost.'  And he laughed, extending a hand to me, which I took with some reluctance.  He gripped my hand firmly and hoisted me up with a surprising amount of strength, nearly flinging me to my feet.  Yet instead of letting go, he merely tugged at my arm a little and said, 'come now, let us venture into this dreaded wood together!' and laughed a boyish laugh, humming merrily as he pulled me along.  While we walked across an open expanse of dry grass towards the shade of a grouping of redwoods, I glanced over at my leader attempting to decipher the face concealed in shadow.  I secretly envied his confidence and pure, youthful exuberance.  How bitter and hopeless I must seem to him.

As if sensing my gaze, he interrupted his humming to jovially exclaim, 'all in good time, my friend!'  And after a breath of silence, his voice took on a more serious tone  'so you have become frustrated and lost in your travels.'  I kept my eyes on the coppice ahead and said nothing, but could feel him watching me.  'Do not take your anger out on these woods, they mean you no harm.  In fact, the case is quite the opposite.'  With this he laughed yet again and released me from his grasp, running to the redwood closest to us and, to my disbelief, wrapping his arms around the trunk and embracing it.  This tree, along with many of its fellows consisted of a single trunk with two separate trees forking off of it, reminding me of a Siamese twin.  I stood back with my arms folded watching him, until he motioned for me to join him.  He turned and took my hand and placed it against the bark, looking to me with two gleaming eyes beneath his billowing hood.  'No more tricks.  No more games.'

'But how did you....' I began to reply, but he silenced me with a raised finger.

'This is life, in its purest form.  It is a part of you, and you are a part of it.  Can you feel it?'

I nodded, but my mind was preoccupied with the same old questions that persisted to plague me.  This time it was his turn to sigh, and he pulled me away from the trunk with force and dragged me under the shade of the redwoods.  I could have sworn I had been there before, and a feeling of deja vu swept over me.   He let go of my hand, walked a few yards ahead, and turned to face me, placing his palms together in a sort of prayer stance.

'You must let go, my friend.  You must stop questioning everything and just go with the flow.  Right now you're attempting to swim upstream; just quit flailing and let the current take you.  You will find that both you and this river are headed in the same direction.'  As he said this, I started to relax, and everything began to become surreal again.  The sunlight pierced through the dancing tree limbs and fell softly to the ground where it swirled and swam, and butterflies flittered through the air around us.  Again I started to feel the power of energy and life all around me and within me, and there were trails coming off of my fingers when they moved, as if my hands could manipulate the reality around me.  Yet the feeling was different.  It was more complete, and less like a partial illusion or temporary gift.

Ever so slowly, I joined my palms together as well, and as I did so, many of the doubletrees around us came together in a smooth, suction-like motion to form as one.   The two halves merged as my hands did, and simultaneously my subconscious overlapped my consciousness and the duality of my mind was extinguished.

	'

Thus, you are one.  We are all one.  It is time for us to step Outside and for you to truly See.  Walk freely, I will be here beside you.'

In this way I roamed through the rifts of my subconscious and I felt detached from both reality and the material world, including my body.  Time ceased to exist, and as my mind soared upwards and broke through the restrictions of 'ordinary' conscious thinking, as my doors of perception began to open, I became alienated from the my previous identity as a human being.  What I was, I could not quite tell.  On I walked, however, exploring my strange surroundings along side my strange companion.

We came upon a recently fallen tree blocking the way, its bark still a vibrant brown with moss covering the majority of its rough skin.  Seeing this death, I was suddenly saddened, as if encountering a fallen brother, and I moved forward to it and touched it with a feeling of love.

'Even in death, there is life,' came the voice from behind me, 'what if I were to tell you that you are going to die, right here, right now?'

Without giving a verbal response, I climbed onto this great downed tree and walked, one foot in front of the other, to the base, upon which I lowered my body and straddled.  I laid both my hands on this powerful being and felt its life force beneath me.  At first the bark began to shudder and pulsate, a vibration moving through it as if reverberating with an infinite noise.  Before long, however, it began to breath with me; the trunk expanding and deflating beneath me with every inhale and exhale of my breath.  And suddenly, all of my surroundings were breathing with me; every tree, every blade of grass linked in perfect sync with the natural rhythm of my lungs.  I then closed my eyes and reached out my arms and connected, connected with everything.  Everything was energy, my subconscious merged completely with my consciousness, I was one with everything and everything was one.  And it was as if I had died, except it was beautiful; I was in total Zen as I joined with the past, present and future, and all of existence.

I not only felt the connections between all matter, but visualized the intersections of lives and how these intersections alter our paths, and how our paths may seem twisted and curved from an inner point of view, but when viewed from the Outside are merely straight lines.  Though it was within this merge of subconscious and conscious that I truly became part of the energy again, I knew that even in waking conscious life we are all still connected in the same way, but perhaps we just do not realize it.

In this way I experienced a new view of death, which seemed to me to be the true view.  A simple joining of the two halves of the mind in which one is dispersed and rejoined with the energy composing the universe, and thus you are everything and everything is you.

[Please see Alex Grey's painting, THEOLOGUE, for a visual representation of this moment.]

Yet I knew I couldn't remain in that state then, for I had life to attend to.  I brought myself back to the physical realm, and together we went on to a huge field where patterns and colors radiated from everything, and the flowers and grasses flowed in the breeze like water.  There were patterns all through the sky, and the ground swirled and moved beneath me.  From this field we could view the whole world, and it was if we had astral projected out into the space surrounding our planet in order to view it externally.  From this position we watched humanity moving across the land and could view how each person fit as a small cog in the wheel of society; I could literally See their paths in this world, and how it fit in/interacted with all the other paths.  As for us, it was as if these people who passed by were flowing in a circular river that is life, and we had grabbed hold of a rock, pulled ourselves out from the water and stepped outside to examine it from the grass.  From here we could analyze the way this machine called life worked, or at least attempt to.

'And now, you will understand why trying to understand this all with your human mind, is an impossible task.'

My mind was indeed clear; I was presented with the entire Issue instead of a single part in which I would become lost and misdirected.   The problem with this was, because I could see the whole river of life in all its infinite entirety, my mind was overwhelmed.  The many circles as well as mysteries of life and their answers covered every aspect of my being and filled my mind's eye with the infinite; everything was moving and consisted of many tiny moving details inside tiny moving details inside more tiny moving details, and so on and so forth for infinity.  It seemed as if all the doors in my mind, doors which I did not even know existed, were thrown open at once, revealing to me all of time; past, present, future, and all of existence, as well as the energy that flowed through everything, especially my own being.  As was predicted by my companion, I soon learned that infinity simply -can not- be grasped by the human mind, and if attempted, can lead one down a frustrating path to either insanity, or enlightenment (or both).

As I watched this river flow, I looked to my companion to find him watching me, and I knew he was reading my every thought.  Yet strangely, I could read his.  His mind and my mind were joined together just as every part of this incredible maze of existence was joined together.

In this way, I attempted to cope with existence stripped bare, and found myself becoming stranded in a spiral of thought.  I would attempt to sort through all of it, and the great Issue nagging at the edge of my mind, an issue which could not truly be put into words.  I suppose the closest I could pin it to was the idea of existence and mainly purpose, or overall, 'the meaning of life'.  And down this spiral my thought would fall, trying to work through this great problem, but as soon as I reached an answer, the question was already gone.

It was like trying to catch the rabbit tail that always slips through the hand; like collecting a field of wheat in a basket, and just as I reached for the final blade to complete my task, my basket would fly into the air and the wheat would scatter into the wind.  I could grasp a part of what my mind formulated as the great truth to life's equation, but once I moved to grasp the whole, the part had moved on.  Thus I was stuck on this loop, as if I had found an error or glitch of the mind, and on this spiral I rode over and over again, each time not coming any closer to the truth, but rather closer and closer to insanity.  At the bottom of each loop I would have a breath of sanity like a breath of fresh air, with enough time to attempt to speak a handful of random words to my companion in utter astonishment and confusion, before returning once again to the top of the slide.  I could picture myself sitting there for all of time, like a man who's lost his mind, drawing circles in the ground and rocking myself and muttering.

Eventually, my companion reached over to me and touched my shoulder, simply saying, 'The most difficult thing to understand, is that there is no answer.'  I stopped my spiraling for a moment and just looked at him.  My expression must have been humorous for he burst out with laughter and patted my back.  'Begin with yourself, then tackle the world.'

Thankfully, my mind moved away from the infinity phenomenon and into myself, discovering that a great hole in my being was my lack of religion.  Pondering this, I came to the conclusion that because I'm Agnostic, I would need to thus be my own god, in that any purpose I have here is given to myself by myself, and that any enlightenment I would receive from fulfilling these purposes would thus be given and received through my own person in the same way.  The problem, however, was that being my own god was far too much responsibility for me, and there was still the loophole of existence and its source.  This idea led me to falsely perceive the idea of reality and everything as coming -from- me, thereby rendering my previous vision of death irrelevant as all would cease to exist once I had ceased to exist.  No, I could not be the center of the universe.

What then?  What could allow me to live as an agnostic?  How could I cope with existence?  I looked at society from my rock and noticed how this same issue of existence is at the back of everyone's mind and is addressed partially through forms of art and creative expression, but is for the most part pushed aside and ignored by humanity in order for people to get on with their lives without constantly worrying about it.  I perceived how people fill their lives with as much business as possible so that they don't have time to address what I consider the most important issues in this world.  It was a sad revelation, watching all these humans focused on what kind of coffee they would be consuming rather than where their place in nature is situated.  But perhaps for some, ignoring it is necessary.

I recall another quote from Tyler coming to mind: 'It's not until you lose everything, that you're free to do anything.'  With that quote I remembered how the truly important issues only surfaced once I had freed myself from society and returned to the isolation of nature.  I also remembered the feeling of complete freedom once I had lost my consciousness on that fallen tree and merged into Zen.

And remembering this, I came to an epiphany.  I realized how false my perception of God as an agnostic was.  I could not truly be my own god, rather I had to realize that my God was in everything, including myself; all of matter is God, and I am the center just as everything else.  The center of the universe is everywhere and nowhere.  Reality was not coming from me; I was merely a part of the whole.  Consequently, I understood that in order for me to find contentment as an Agnostic, I had to first accept the possibility that there could be no heaven or hell, but instead understand that this could be It.  In the end, I could very well rejoin the energy around me and come to an unconscious Zen through a merging of duality.  Thus, if accepted, I could be content with this circle of lifespan, and if there is anything else, such as heaven and hell or gods and goddesses, I will learn of them after death.  It was not a complete conclusion, but it was as complete a conclusion I could hope to achieve.

In this conclusion my life is a loop, like a solar flare, bursting from the normal loops of energy, space, and time to temporarily settle into the form of a human being whose perception resides a reality shared by all creatures in the physical world.  Beginning as a pure energy state, beautiful and peaceful, I was channeled into this form and forced to cope with this existence, only to be eventually replaced, like a droplet of water, back into the pool, or river, of flowing energy; the past, present, future, and all matter that resides therein.

At that point I was walking and I hadn't realized it.  I had lived eons of time, and I was ready for it to end.  I looked to my right to find that my companion was walking with me, who returned my gaze.  I suddenly saw this person in a new light.  I looked into the pair of eyes beneath that hood and I realized we were the same person; our thoughts seemed to coexist.  We were both humans, not of any sex in particular, just merely conscious beings identical with not only each other, but identical with all around us.  Suddenly, a stab of fear and understanding hit my gut like a cold knife and I stopped dead in my tracks.

'Either I have already died, or you and I are the same person.  Tell me I'm not crazy.  Tell me I'm not all alone out here,' I pleaded.

He stared at me long, then shook his head slightly, laughing ever so softly.  He reached into his cloak and pulled out an intricate necklace composed of carved wooden beads, and, walking up to me, he placed it gently around my neck.  After a moment of silence, he took my head in his hands and kissed my forehead, speaking the words, 'you are never alone.'  With that, he turned heel with a whip of his cloak and walked briskly in the direction from which we had come, humming a pleasant tune as he went.  I stood there, watching him disappear into the wood, my fingers touching the necklace around my neck.  I turned back to the path ahead, and smiled, for I had reached the end of the wood.  Before me towered a vast mountain marking the far rim of the valley.

I had made it.  I had overcome the challenges in that strange place and made it out alive.  I felt so much older, so much wiser, though I knew there was so much more to learn.  Childhood lay behind me, but I had no idea what lay ahead.  I remember feeling as if I had conquered death.  'Now what?' I asked myself, and almost immediately, I answered 'you live.'

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 53085

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Jun 18, 2006	Views: 38,076

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LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)


		 DOSE:

		 3 hits
		 oral
		 LSD

		   repeated
		 oral
		 Pharms - Bupropion
		 (daily)

		   repeated
		 oral
		 Pharms - Lithium
		 (daily)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   180 lb

Before I dropped the cubes it had been 24 hours since I had last taken lithium or Wellbutrin. Anyways I take Lithium and Wellbutrin twice daily, lithium is known to cause seizures with LSD, and Wellbutrin is known to increase risk of seizure, I knew all that before it happened but I didn't really put it all together, the other time I did LSD I was fine even though it was obviously weak acid, but more importantly I didn't think it would happen to me.  I still consider this a 'good trip' right up until the seizure that is, but then I didn’t even remember the seizure and when I came to the trip was over, so I say the trip ended with my seizure.

This starts out with me supposed to be staying clean, it was August and I had been clean since February when my friend overdosed in my room and almost died.  Why I went back is long story that doesn’t matter, but either way I had originally bought 4 cubes from my friend M, which ended up being very poorly dipped was my conclusion, because M and I were tight and he's been straight with me since I met him.  He was confused and disturbed by the lack of the quality of his product and suspected a packaging problem, to test the theory he gave me 6 more cubes for free, told me to take the improperly packaged ones together, and later try just one properly packaged (wrapped in tin foil) ones.

So on my way back from a collage orientation I took them at about 12:45 pm, I headed to the mall to see my friend B, I wasn't expecting these hits to work.  Withing minutes I was feeling them, but still I had with the last ones and it went away in less than two hours.  I got to the mall still coming up feeling the nausea, I saw B at work but he didn’t get off till 2 pm.  I waited for him, in the process the nausea overtook me and I went to the bathroom to vomit I felt better for awhile I thought maybe filling my empty stomach would help, it didn't, I sat there awhile with my cramping stomach and I thought I was going to vomit again but as I walked to the bathroom  I suddenly felt better, the cramps had lifted and were replaced by a warm, tingly, euphoric feeling.

I stopped at some public chess boards and played this 10 year old kid and totally kicked his ass, even though in my state I would think anyone could have beat me.  I walked around a bit, I bought a frapachino which raise my mood and energy level even more, by then it was 2:00 pm and B was done with work and I bought him lunch.  As he ate A and J came in, I previously didn’t know either of them as B introduced me to them, they sat chilled w/ us as this other guy came in a talked with us.  By then I had realized for sure that this wasn’t going to be like my last trip, these hits were working.

I immediately seemed to hit it off with A and J, they laughed at every joke I made and started making conversation exclusively with me and asked me outside for a cigarette. I became a sort of curiosity of theirs, they seemed to have adopted me for the rest of the afternoon taking me everywhere, of course I loved the attention, neither of them were bad looking and A was defiantly hot.  They took me to a lake near by where we continued to talk an have a few cigarettes, the acid was really strong by now, a sort of faint ambient rainbow shimmer existed on everything, and in the background I hear sounds that are hard to describe as anything but an electronic video-gameish Matrix like sound, it seemed to drown out all other sounds, but then I think maybe my sense of hearing might have been dulled, because the sound was too faint to drown out other noise.

After we left the lake they took me to J's house, I was keenly excited upon hearing that for obvious reasons.  The ride to her house felt like an hour but it was probably only half that, in the car they played Hendrix for me as I began to pass further and further from the world of the outside, nausea was present again, but not severe, just a sort of thorn in my side making my trip just a lil more uncomfortable. I felt strange feelings I had never felt before, I seemed to have a blank mind, I had no feelings that I could discern, and yet I could feel so many of them just welling up inside me waiting to burst out, my thoughts seemed erratic unplaceable no logic or reasoning to any of them, I couldn’t sit still.  I was no novice to hallucinogens, I’d smoked pot more times than I can count, I had shroomed three times and rolled nine, and there were others but what I would call my most profound psychedelic experiences up till then were all on DXM.    This was almost nothing like DXM, DXM took me away from the conscious world of matter to the subconscious, barely associating the two, and for me it was easy to focus my mind once I had peaked on DXM bringing a sort of intensity, a sort of order to it, putting me into a K-hole.

But LSD was nothing like that, perhaps when I before I was able to focus my thoughts on DXM I might be able to associate the two but otherwise no, LSD didn't have any the disassociative properties of DXM, I wasn’t taken from the conscious to the subconscious and made to forget the conscious, LSD simply jammed both consciousnesses into one very confusing powerful emotional sensual experience.  I was forced with all my thoughts into one place in time and space I feel like I can't escape no matter how much I relaxed or concentrated nothing seemed to change the intensity and the sensation of being trapped in my mind, a sort of mental claustrophobia.

In retrospect I realize how much was going on in my head, how many feelings I was feeling at once, and how strong they were at the same time, and I didn’t even seem to realize or feel any of them but I knew and felt somehow on a different level they were there.  I must say though the trip really teetered on the brink of being overcome with fear, and becoming a bad trip, but the overwhelming feeling of joy helped prevent that.  I remember in a blind feeling of loneliness I reached for J's hand and she took it and held it tightly and with love, or at least as it seemed to me, because I could not describe the security and joy in the strength of her grip, nor the sensation of touch who's heightened ecstasy-like sensitivity I was just now becoming aware.

While the fear and the anxiety were strong, very strong, the presence and the love I felt through the two girls I had just met that day who had taken it upon there good will to take care of me 6' 2' 180 lb. guy who they didn’t know, to take me places to make me feel better, to comfort me when I was scared or uneasy and just to listen to me and all the dumb things people say when they're high, to feel that, for me in my state it was a godsend they had saved me from what otherwise probably would have been an overwhelmingly negative and lonely experience, I could feel they're love inside me, felt it radiating from them like the sun warming me on a cold windy day, making me feel safe and warm with them, as long as I had them with me nothing could go wrong, they protected me.  Although that sounds a little crazy and abstract, my acid trip was more than a little crazy and abstract, so I stand by it as its what I felt inside, and being that it can't be judged as right or wrong.

We finally got to J's house, I could barely walk to their front door, A and J had to help support me it was about 4:45.  They had expressed interest in buying acid from my source, so I gave M a call and he spoke with them and made a deal, so they now truly loved me after getting them an acid connection.  I was so happy to be inside a house and not in a car or a mall or a bus, I sat with them as they made some mac and cheese, we continued to just talk and have a great time. The acid was very strong now, it was peaking although I hadn’t outright visually hallucinated, there where plenty of distortions to be seen.  Suddenly I developed a twitch in my neck, it would twitch to the right quickly and would do this every few seconds and became uncontrollable, so I decided to lay down on the kitchen floor and keep talking, I did but not much more than 2 minutes after that suddenly things were becoming transparent, I was seeing through people, dogs, chairs, walls!  I felt something intense but pleasant overtake me, I don't remember what happened after that it all went blank.  I woke up in the back of A's car w/ her and J, sweaty and disoriented, I asked what happened while I was out (as spans of loss of consciousness or memory aren't that uncommon) and A then told me I had had a seizure.

I was blown away at first I thought maybe they were fucking with me or lying cuz they had robbed me or sumthing, because I knew I wasn't prone to seizures (I have the EEGs to back it up), but the look on there face was serious and I wasn't missing anything so I accepted they were telling the truth.  I was still in shock, I couldn’t believe it had happened, they told me how they had to drag me to their car before J's parents got home, which explained the dirt on my back, it was 5:45.  We went back to the mall, and I just followed them as I had no idea what else to do, A was good friends with the security guard there and she told him the story, but as part of his job he had to make sure that I was safe and offered me an ambulance, but to me it with my paranoia and the way he walked up to me with several other guards it sounded to me like they were gonna make me go in an ambulance.  The ambulance was not an option for me, my parents had already told me after my friend O.D.ed in my room that after I was done w/ high school if I was discovered to be using again I would be kicked out of the house, so needless to say an ambulance or any other kind of scene was to be avoided at all cost, even though at the time I knew I might need one.

Fortunately there was no scene and no ambulance, A and J were thoroughly shooken up, as was I, needless to say the deal they made w/ M for acid was broken.  A being to shaken up to drive much more that day, said she could drop me off at the bus station and give me bus fare, I was ok with that although I was uneasy about it, they both gave me there numbers and I told them I was so sorry for what happened and that I put them through it.  I got home about 7 pm took some Serequel went to sleep.

One the bizzare parts of the story is that when I woke up in the back of A's car, the trip was over, I felt only lingering affects of the acid, I still am not sure why because I expected it to be longer. I learned a lot, and for my exception to my new sobriety I got quite a nasty surprise, so using again isn't going to happen. I learned a lot about myself and the world from my trips over the years, this was no exception.

Exp Year: 2003	ExpID: 27063

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Jun 26, 2006	Views: 57,047

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Pharms - Bupropion (87), Pharms - Lithium (91), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Difficult Experiences (5)


		 DOSE:

		 2 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   140 lb

It has been just over a year since my first and only LSD experience, but the impression it has left on my waking life is no less than it was a day after I took the substance.

A little background is first necessary before I delve into the long story that this trip report will undoubtedly become.  I was 19 years old at the time, and not exactly new to altered states of consciousness.  I had experienced mushrooms four times previously, ecstasy numerous times, nitrous oxide, speed and smoked weed almost every day.  I was also at a stage in my life where I wasn’t quite sure of who I was in the world and, as I later realized, not very aware or “awake” in the Buddhist sense.

My experience on LSD, during the first semester holidays of my second year of university, was to change all that in a dramatic way.  A friend of mine, whom I had always considered a close friend, had obtained some trips and we planned a day to trip together.  We had had mushroom experiences and ecstasy experiences together in the past, and I figured that I was ready for whatever LSD was going to throw at me.

We took two blotters each at around 11:00 in the morning, at my house (I share a house with some university friends), and sat around on the verandah in the sun waiting for it to come on.  About 15 minutes of cigarettes and idle chatter passed before we decided to walk to the store and get some juice and something to eat.  The trip to the store passed uneventfully, and we returned to my house approximately half an hour later, still with no noticeable effects.  We decided to put on some music (Radiohead - Amnesiac) and sit in the lounge room listening to it.

I started to notice a mild alteration of perception, and a slight lethargy come over me.  My friend was noticing similar effects.  The music also started to sound different, and if I closed my eyes I could almost feel myself melting into the couch.  After listening to the music for a while we decided to venture outside to explore.  By this time my perceptions were heavily altered with everything taking on that unexplainable look that only a trip can cause.  I remember walking past a neighbour’s house and being unable to keep myself from laughing at the strangeness of the plants in his front garden.  We walked the streets for a while, laughing and “exploring” the normally familiar neighbourhood that had taken on an entirely different appearance due to the LSD.  I remember thinking that the arrangement of plants in everyone’s gardens looked so fake and artificial.  The chaotic expression of nature had somehow been curtailed with this strange arrangement of plants all in neat little rows, an assortment of plants that would never be found in similar locations in the wild.

Somewhere around this point in time, I started to have an uncontrollable flood of introspective thoughts, from what must have been my subconscious.  We made it back to my house, and I was beginning to feel quite anxious, edgy and generally negative.  My friend and I smoked a few cones, and although I was momentarily amused by the whole action of smoking and the novelty of the bong, the weed didn’t seem to have any effect on the experience at all.  The introspective cascade that was beginning centered around issues that plagued my life (and probably most people’s lives), but which I would normally refuse to acknowledge at a conscious level.  They were surfacing at a rapid rate and I was being forced to accept them, and deal with them.

It was very stressful and I felt like my mind was being contorted and twisted.  At the same time that these issues emerged, I was able to look at them from a point of view semi-removed from my ego, the same ego that would have normally prevented me from acknowledging them to begin with.  The issues consisted of worries, fears, obsessions, subconscious motivations, etc. that would all normally, day to day, be operating somewhere in the background of my psyche; but the LSD had magnified them a million times so that they were inescapable.  At this point I was feeling very anxious, uncomfortable and stressed, to an extent I had tuned out my friend and was only paying minor attention to external events.  Although not significant to my trip “experience” we watched cartoons, surfed trippy websites, listened to music, played computer games, etc.

My friend had to leave at around 11:00 pm, because he had to work the next day, and while the peak of the experience was over, I was still tripping.  After he left I was at home on my own, and whatever external things had previously provided slight distractions to the introspective cataclysm I was going through were now totally gone.  At this point I ended up wandering into the bathroom and caught myself staring into the mirror.  Through will, I was able to change how my reflection appeared, from ugly to beautiful, from young to old, and eventually I realized the triviality of external appearance.  I was beautiful.  We all are beautiful.  Suddenly one of the great weights on my mind, that of a concern for body image and self-appearance, was totally lifted.

What was the importance of appearance, if we all loved each other for who we truly are at heart?  I got this notion that true love transcended appearance, and while body image seemed to be something that modern society places such a premium on, in the end it counts for nothing.  This had special significance for me because prior to this I had been into working out and muscle building, and while tripping I almost felt disgusted with myself when I looked at my body.  The muscle I had worked so hard for seemed wrong.  I was able to totally see the motivations behind my actions, that I was aiming to improve my appearance so that I was more fitting to the modern notion of “attractive”, but what was the point of that?  If I was in a relationship with someone, or more, if I was in a relationship that involved “true” love, I’d surely hope that my physical appearance wasn’t that significant.

I decided to write a message to myself and save it into my mobile phone, so that I could remind myself of it in the future and generally have it handy as a way of connecting with the experience that was sure to fade as the drug wore off.  I wrote “You are truly loved by someone when you are loved for what you are at heart.  Not for what you are trying to be, or for what they want you to be.”  Within everyone there is a true notion of who they really are.  Their “true inner self” as such.  In everyday life such a notion gets buried in most people by the acting and role-playing we feel necessary to conduct.  People act in a manner that they think other people would want or expect them to act in, out of the fear that they won’t be accepted if they don’t.  Our “big game of acceptance” I coined it; everyone constructing a persona that they feel will allow others to accept them.  This was also cast aside by the LSD mind state.  I reconnected with my “true self”, a childlike, fun-loving, happy-go-lucky individual.  Something that had been semi-buried under a constructed exterior.

I eventually made it to sleep, and when I woke the next day I was the happiest and most mentally serene I’d been in my life.  Anything that would have normally been troubling my mind, preventing me from being happy and free right at the moment, was gone!  This state of mental tranquility and happiness lasted for a few days, and slowly faded as new issues settled back into my subconscious.  My “true self” was somewhat tempered as time passed, but I’ve made a conscious effort to not let it become completely buried.  A few months later this experience spawned an interest in Buddhism, which I’ve taken to practicing, as a way of training my mind.  I firmly believe that through meditation the mental tranquility that I attained during this experience can be cultivated and continued, without the aid of any drug.  LSD just showed me that it was possible and that the key to happiness in this world lies in our minds.

Exp Year: 2002	ExpID: 23324

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Jun 27, 2006	Views: 32,601

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LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), General (1)