		 DOSE:

		 1 hit
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   240 lb

During this summer I was feeling the happiest I had ever felt in a long time. I was moved out of my parents house, I only worked part time so I wasn’t overworked or overly stressed out. Where I ended up taking LSD for the first time also had a big effect on my experience, I took it at my sister’s house where she lived with her husband and a few roommates. I had already been at my sister’s house quite a few times, and I was good friends with her roommates. Everybody there was chill, her house was comfortable and relaxing. It was the perfect setup for what was easily my best trip.

It was at 10:00 that night when I took the tab. I think it took around an hour or longer for it to actually kick in so I started by playing Overwatch and just waiting for the effects. It was likely nothing more than placebo but at around 30 minutes I was starting to feel more talkative and relaxed. Nothing else worth noting really happened while I was playing Overwatch so I ended up stopping after about an hour, maybe less. From now on I won’t be able to mention the specific time of certain effects happening because time lost all meaning to me throughout the rest of the night.

When I stopped playing Overwatch I just sat down on the couch and stared at the ceiling, which is when the visuals started kicking in. I saw pixelated fractals moving in on themselves with some extending out in a straight line. These fractals were constantly moving in a sort of linear way and changing on whatever I looked at, in this case it was the ceiling. I’m pretty sure I was captivated by the ceiling and didn’t look at anything else for at least a few minutes. What I compared the visuals to in the moment was ants digging tunnels on the ceiling.

I was thrown a blanket at some point and just melted into it. There were also quite a few pets in this house and being graced with the company of these animals felt amazing as well. I had a very hard time letting go of anything soft due to the sheer pleasure of having anything soft against my skin. When I looked at my hands they didn’t look wildly different, as the fractal visuals were much more noticeable on distant objects, but my hands did look strangely darker with the lines on them being much more vivid. My sister’s husband was an avid vaper, so I was constantly mesmerized by vapor clouds that I’m pretty sure he was purposely blowing towards me. Each time I saw a vape cloud there was a cessation of thought and I couldn’t focus on anything else until the cloud dissipated.

After awhile, all colors were enhanced beyond anything I could’ve ever imagined. The closest thing I can compare it to is HD vision. As the trip really started to come on I started to feel what was easily the greatest feeling of my life. It was just this pure anxiety-melting happiness and euphoria, and a strong feeling of togetherness and being in the moment. It felt as if I was getting all of this beautiful information, but it didn’t come in the form of language, it came as a feeling, an experience.

It felt as if I was getting all of this beautiful information, but it didn’t come in the form of language, it came as a feeling, an experience.

 I watched Moana during the come up of my trip, and it felt like I was a little kid watching a Disney movie for the first time, it may have even felt more magical than that. Moana was amazing and breathtakingly beautiful, and I couldn’t have picked a better moment to watch it. The colors were vivid and I was completely absorbed into every single moment.

After Moana was over I just ended up talking to my sister and her roommates, and my trip quickly started to shift from a visual space to a sort of analytical space. All of these existential realizations came to me in so many different ways, and my thoughts were moving way faster than I could even attempt to speak them. Time itself wasn’t really linear and every moment felt like an eternity because so many things were happening in my mind at once. And with this feeling I was getting, there was the biggest sense of relief I had ever had in my life that I was free. In the biggest sense of cosmic irony I had ever experienced I was free because I realized I had no free will.

At one point I had completely lost my fear of death because I realized it didn’t even exist. It felt like during that moment of my life that I was at one point on a circle, simultaneously the beginning and the end. It was these realizations and infinitely more just constantly being fed to me through just pure feeling. It was all of that overly existential stuff and probably way more in my head and I was completely obsessed with trying to communicate it all to my sister and her roommates even though it was almost impossible. I was also so mentally trapped in the feeling of oneness with everything, that I kept assuming that my sister and anyone else could understand exactly what I was feeling and talking about, even though that wasn’t the case.

I eventually started to get anxious as hell and I was constantly thinking about when things would inevitably get worse because I knew that something really bad would eventually have to happen to offset how good I was feeling. There were bad things in the moment to keep me grounded as well, I was incredibly hot and sweaty and I had an overwhelming urge to grind my teeth. I got anxious enough that I desperately wanted the experience to end, and I was told by my sister’s husband that milk would kill my trip. While chugging milk obviously didn’t kill my trip, it did ease my anxiety a bit. I had a constant unquenchable drymouth throughout the experience and drinking water was not fun because it felt incredibly weird, but I still had to constantly do it. With all of that water came a lot of urinating, and peeing felt difficult to the point where every time I had to pee I felt like I was doing it forever.

The lowest point during the analytical part of my trip was, I had convinced myself I was having a heart attack and I experienced an unexplainable flood of negative energy that felt so horrible. In the moment I was so sure that I was about to experience something more painful and horrible than I could ever imagine. I was lucky that I was talking to my sister while this was happening in my mind, because all it took to snap myself out of it was to say to my sister “Tell me I’m not having a bad trip” and when she said I wasn’t having a bad trip, instantly everything bad melted away.

One of my biggest psychological fantasies is not being in control. I enjoyed the thought of it a little too much. Of course the big theme of my greatest trip so far would be me not being in control. At one point during the trip my sister’s roommates asked me how I was feeling and I straight up told them that I felt like I could do anything that they wanted me to. I am extremely thankful that I was around the right people during this trip

 I am extremely thankful that I was around the right people during this trip

 because I really was so far gone at one point that I could’ve done something awful or disgusting or illegal just because somebody told me to. My rational sense of self went almost completely out the window during this part of the trip. You could’ve stuck me into a movie where somebody got mind controlled or put under some kind of hypnotic spell and I would’ve fit right in. I can imagine that all of this was happening because my mind was so fatigued at this point from all of the analytical obsessive thinking and decided a back seat as my ego was slowly melting away.

My sister jumped in and realized I was in a trance and thankfully the only thing she told me to do was follow her outside. It was too dark for me to see any visuals, I heavily focused on the grass and it didn’t look any different than normal. We quickly went back inside and while I was stuck in this trance, my sister’s roommates and her husband did mess with me a little bit. Multiple times I was forced to get things for them from the kitchen, it felt really good but at the cost of me walking in a very strange way. Walking felt difficult and slow and alien, and I had to get up and walk quite a few times. It was a pretty funny joke, then again so is existence.

They actually offered me some food and I didn’t want any. I found that really strange, because I was fat during this trip, I was 240 pounds but I could down a large pizza by myself sober, but all of a sudden I started food. I just had this unexplainable strong aversion to food that was probably due to my sister, who didn’t eat much, feeding me her ideas about food. I did eventually forget about all of that and eat one thing because my sister’s husband handed me a grape popsicle, and I had a similar feeling that I had during my first weed experience where the sweetness of things was enhanced but it felt infinitely more potent than it did on weed.

I really enjoyed talking throughout the night. I was literally addicted to other people’s ideas and opinions. Ideas that I would’ve completely disregarded sober were completely profound, even bad ones.

Ideas that I would’ve completely disregarded sober were completely profound, even bad ones.

 I eventually deconstructed my own heavy denial of being bisexual from religious conditioning and finally accepted it. It was a very big moment for me, without acid I would’ve probably stayed in denial assuming I was straight for a long time if not forever.

Since I was annoying talkative throughout most of this trip, eventually my sister and her roommates got tired of listening to me talk and put on Finding Dory. As suggestible as I still was during this part of the trip, the one order I could not follow was when I was told to be quiet. I think it had something to do with time because I kept forgetting I was told to shut up or time just kind of immediately skipped over and I started talking again. After all it’s impossible to shut up forever anyway. I started getting really delusional and thinking that different parts of Finding Dory had some kind of hidden existential meaning. Every single thing I saw, heard and felt just seemed like some sort of divine message. And there was absolutely no way to rationalize my way into thinking that something didn’t actually mean anything because it felt like everything meant everything, and I kept trying to follow a thread of thoughts to find a certain answer but really it just went on forever. Everything was infinite and I couldn’t find any answers because every answer took the form of another question.

Towards the latter half of my trip I just ended up watching my sister’s roommates play Overwatch and watching family guy. My last thought thread was me realizing that everything only exists for entertainment purposes and I felt at ease realizing that nothing I did mattered and I could sit at home after this was over and spend the rest of my life in front of a television and I wouldn’t have to worry about the consequences. Obviously this is a very bad way to look at life and thankfully this was around the time where the analytical part of my trip was dying down and I started heavily focusing on the intense vibrant colors of Overwatch as my sister’s roommates were playing it.

I was still high at 5 a.m and everybody was asleep at that point so I biked home. Somehow I didn’t fall and I didn’t have any balance issues despite still being very high. The visuals during the sunrise as I was riding home were phenomenal, there weren’t any fractals at this point but the color of the sunrise was massively enhanced and indescribably beautiful. I made it home. I got paranoid about the apocalypse and paced around my apartment forever. I eventually ended up making a bowl of cereal and it felt like the cereal was infinite. It didn’t really taste that different other than it was a little bit sweeter. And, then I went to bed. I’ve read that it’s hard to sleep on acid but I guess since I was already 10+ hours into my trip, it made it a little bit easier to go to sleep.

I woke up at 1:45 in the afternoon completely sober. And I felt a little happier overall that week, a little bit less anxious but slowly things just went back to normal.

Exp Year: 2017	ExpID: 112814

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 20

Published: Apr 14, 2019	Views: 2,094

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)


		 DOSE:

		 oral
		 LSD

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   66 kg

The Oddest Most Beautiful LSD Trip of My Life

Last night I had one of the weirder experiences of my life, and I have had a few. I have to share this. It was a complete mindfuck, a profound teaching, and a case of a very special connection arising. It may not be very significant to anyone but me, but I need to write this out. If you reach the end of this: thank you.

I thought it was this girl, whom I had been with for about a month, writing me, when I replied: “Sure come over”. I realized fairly quickly that it was a common friend of me and my regular trip-buddy. I had not met her before, only talked to her on Facebook, though the three of us had been planning an ayahuasca ceremony, which had not materialized yet. She is in her late twenties I think.

Seeing as I had just received about 625 mcg of good acid in the mail, I thought “why not?”

She arrived at my place a couple of hours later and we spent a few hours talking, reading Hoffman and Grof, getting to know each other. We had a good connection, I felt, both being practicing Buddhists of two difference Tibetan lineages within the same school.

We had our first ayahuasca experiences about the same time a year back, and had experienced similar realizations. The chemistry was good, and after a few hours of preparation, making offerings, preparing fruit and drinks, and me laying out my previous experiences with LSD (she had only taken ayahuasca), we were ready.

We settled on my mattress on the floor and took the blotters. She is tiny, so I gave her about 300 mcg and I took 350 mcg.

The onset was beautiful, after about 20 minutes we started having visuals. Colors became intense and the music materialized as beautiful patters, stairway-like constructions in mid-air, fractals and I remember everything vibrating around me.

I laid down, looking at the ceiling, enjoying her presence and at some point, like I have experienced before on LSD, became moved by love and affection for all the people I love or have loved, the countless beings that have crossed my path in this life.

My tears started flowing freely. My emotional response felt completely pure and beautiful. I perceived it as an amalgamation of positive and negative baggage, all dissolving and flowing out of my, deeply purifying, completely honest. As I have experienced before with the drug, my tears didn’t sting or burn at all.

Our connection felt profound, and my heart opened in an amazing way. She took my hand, and I looked in her eyes, filled with compassion and care for my state, my emotions clearly affecting her. We were like to aliens, making a temporary landing in this most significant corner of the vastness of all of existence. It felt as though the warmly lit, glowing confines of my living room was the only place in existence.

We hugged and held hands, she leaned on me and I do not remember even feeling as much care or affection without attachment or words for anyone. It was beyond sexual attraction, beyond concepts, and completely free somehow.

When I finished my crying, I felt completely purified, and it was her turn. She broke down in much the same way. She put her head on my chest and I do not remember ever having this kind of care and love for another being. I held her, gently caressing her forehead, stroking her hair as she cried. We both felt this amazing open state of a deep connection without concepts. What felt like a complete integration of our beings, much deeper than anything I have experienced through sex or anything else.

We went to my kitchen to look at the trippy wallpaper, the physical  effects were starting to wane and the trip became deeper. She sat on the couch, crying again and started saying: “I love… I love Aaron… I love him so much.”

I asked, “Who is Aaron?” and she wouldn’t tell me. This is where things started taking an unexpected turn.

She was in a state of deep affect, crying and calling out his name. I tried calming her, and she started telling me: “You’re him, it’s you, I know it's you, I can see it in your eyes. It’s the heart, can’t you feel it? Can’t you remember?”

She got agitated and started walking around. I comforted her, asking her to breathe and relax, but she started crying and screaming his name. I left her alone for a bit, hoping the change of scenery would help, but from the kitchen I could hear her stumbling about and calling out his name.

I waited for about ten minutes before returning, and at this point, she had regressed to the state of a young, defiant girl, trashing about, messing up my plants.

It got worse and worse, she was waking up my neighbors, and Airbnb guests in the next room and I was worried she would harm herself.

I sat her down and helped her relax and breathe, but it did not really work. I tried giving her a tiny amount of a sedative to break the loop, but she wouldn’t drink it. Tripping hard myself, I switched my phone off flight-mode and was about to call our common friend for advice when the girl I had been seeing called and I accidentally picked up.

She asked if she could come over, but heard her calling out in the background, and said “oh I guess not” before she hung up. After that I couldn’t reach her.

I tried different things, but she kept insisting I was Aaron. She started throwing herself at me, hugging me at first, putting her head on my chest, telling me she knew it was me: “Don’t you remember?”

All the while, I still felt this amazing connection with her, this tiny, beautiful being lost and in need of comfort, but I did not understand who the hell Aaron was or why she thought I was him.

She told me how she recognized my scent, how she knew it was me, that she loved me, that is was all in the heart, in my eyes. I have intense eyes, especially on LSD: Big, blue, bright and shiny it seemed. Hers were tiny and dark, almost black, and we lost ourselves again and again.

I kept trying to calm her, but it didn’t help. She started rubbing up against me before she laid down and exposed her gender, playing with herself in front of me, begging for my attention and affection. I was not unaffected, but I was convinced it had nothing to do with me, even though the feeling of our initial connection was so strong.

I held her and gently stroked her back, feeling larger than I had ever felt before, that she needed me somehow. I felt immense love and care for her, wanting to protect her in the most universal sense I can imagine.

I finally got her to lay down and I laid next to her, hugging her. While we were there, I had the realization, that it had been me, she was talking about all along, but she had been too afraid to say it outright, too overwhelmed by this deep and spontaneous connection we had.

I don’t know how long it went on, but in my afflicted mind, a consistent narrative, making sense of her behavior arose. I caressed her gently, telling her: “I’m so sorry I messed up your trip because I’m so slow. I should’ve known all along. I felt it too.” I started contemplating the idea, though I felt overwhelmed at the prospect of acknowledging the depth and implications of what felt like the deepest love I had ever experienced.

She wrapped her tiny legs around me, rubbing herself against me, my hand on her tummy, gently feeling her while she was pushing herself against me, clearly wanting me to touch her in the most intimate of ways.

I never felt this close with anyone, I was completely taken over. We kissed, but I was still holding back, trying to acclimatize to the reality of the situation, our whole coming existence together playing itself out in images in my head, while I contemplated how I would go about this, knowing we were completely right for each other in every way.

I was so happy. It felt like coming home. I had finally understood how I had not allowed myself to give myself fully to anyone before, but I knew I would be able to now.

I told her: “You know I can’t have sex with you in this state, it would be rape almost.” and she just giggled and tucked herself closer against me. I caressed her as I kissed her neck and chest softly, and it was as though she almost orgasmed from that alone.

I felt like I was finally home, as though I had been reunited with a long lost friend, lover, someone who was a completely inseparable part of me. How could I have been so blind for so long, that I almost took her to the emergency room to get her a shot of something to put her to sleep?

I almost told her I loved her and had always loved her, but I kept it inside, still wary about the situation.

As we laid there, completely a part of each other, I thought about how I would tell this other girl, how I would end that in a proper way.

She was so into me, she loved me so much, I felt, and she had stopped calling me Aaron finally. I knew I was home, but I was still rejecting her on some level.

We stood by the window, her close against me as I tried to acclimatize to the newly found connection, feelings, and its implications when she started coming to, probably from the 400 mgs of niacin I had finally gotten her to take about an hour earlier.

I was so in love, and I was so taken by her affection for me. I told her: “I think I have to be not-on-LSD before I know exactly how I feel about this"

“I think I have to be not-on-LSD before I know exactly how I feel about this"

, trying not to hurt her feelings, as I explained to her how deep a connection I felt we had, though I might not be able to reciprocate at this very moment.

Her state of projecting her love for her boyfriend onto me lasted for at least three hours.

Then she told me: “Aaron’s my boyfriend. I love him.” And my illusion collapsed completely. On a superficial level I was unaffected, but I felt my hear caving in. All the hopes and dreams that had just vividly manifested in my mind shattered in that familiar pattern of realizing that things, people, and emotions are not always what they seem.

I sat with her and talked, though she was still out of herself, and I was not quite sure if she was kidding, we hugged and felt each other just as close as before.

I had to ask her: “You actually have a boyfriend named Aaron?” And she told me, that she did, in fact.

She could not remember what had happened, and as I laid out the course of events she was in disbelief. Whenever I looked in her eyes, whenever I moved in or gestured, she would recognize it as just the way someone she knew and loved did, she would fall back into our connection, completely confused.

Her state gradually changed, and I realized how I had constructed layers upon layers of narratives, based on her reactions, and probably on my own feelings of loneliness and longing for a true connection.

We both still felt this amazing connection and she seemed as confused as me by this point. We hugged and talked and I broke down again, realizing it was all just in my head, while the basic, unadulterated feeling of love still remained.

I felt as though I received a profound teaching on my own tendency to idealize women, of the dynamics that have caused me harm in my previous existence up to this point.

We talked some more, viewing the situation and possible causes from different viewpoints and models of explanation. We went for a walk, and I told her how she had probably just destroyed my relationship with that other girl.

When we returned back home, I went to sleep on the couch with her on the floor next to me. I wanted nothing more in this world than to hold her and make her feel safe and loved, but I relented and thought of the consequences for her, her Aaron. My own insecurity returned at full strength.

When we woke up, we spend hours talking and turning the events of the trip. It felt as though I had lost the most significant relationship I had experienced, like a long lost friend and soul mate had appeared only to break my heart again, and we both cried again and again. She was so mild and compassionate; I did not know what to make of it.

It was as though I had wasted the opportunity: If only I could have given myself completely, not holding back, maybe it would have been different.

Having taken vows to never harm another human being, I could not do that, and though I felt closer with her in the midst of the experience, than I ever had with anyone else, I realized how circumstance prohibited taking it any further; how I had to realize that our connection meant that I had to hold her interest as high as my own, as well as that of her boyfriend, who has every bit as much right as me to be happy.

I walked her to the bus and she went on her way back home in the middle of the afternoon.

I wrote back and forth with my girl, explaining the situation to her, but having had this profound connection with another, it felt contrived and dishonest. I do not know where to go with her. I do not feel confident I will ever again experience this kind of connection with any other human. It was as though we had known each other forever.

When I told my girl about Aaron, she asked: “Oh Aaron <surname>?”

I didn’t know, but I just found out. My girl knows her boyfriend very well, they are close friends.

I am confused. It feels like I imagine the trauma of birth would feel if I could remember it; as though my umbilical cord has been cut using the rustiest of scissors.

I am choosing to make this a lesson in my mind's propensity for constructing stories and making a fool of myself, but I cannot let go of the feeling, that if I had only been able to surrender completely, it would have been different, yet I do not think I would be better for her, and I cannot even consider the idea of taking her away from someone else, knowing her qualities and having experienced exactly that myself. I would not wish that upon anyone.

But here I am: heart broken, yet completely content, in excruciating pain, yet grateful. It is the most conflicting experience I have ever had, and I am still trying to integrate it.

I do not know what to make of this.

I want to reduce it to an illusion in my head, but she told me how she felt that connection too, and I know she is being honest.

Exp Year: 2012	ExpID: 104044

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 34

Published: Aug 14, 2019	Views: 2,318

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2) : Sex Discussion (14), Relationships (44), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)

</surname>


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 0.5 mg
		 oral
		 Pharms - Lorazepam

		   T+ 0:00
		 0.67 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 1:00
		 0.33 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 7:54
		 0.5 mg
		 oral
		 Pharms - Lorazepam
		 (pill / tablet)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   175 lb

...In a nutshell...

My first LSD experience was this last Sunday, Aug 9 2015, and it went poorly. By far the biggest driver of this was seven hours straight of nausea / body load. It was much the same physical sensation as nausea would be in the stomach, except it was coming from every part of my body from the scalp to the toes, all at once, as though every single cell of me needed to throw up. Far too late into the experience, I discovered that lorazepam was an almost magical silver bullet that rescued what remained of the trip.

...Some history...

A friend, R, recently tried LSD and had a great time. My best friend B then expressed interest, since R had some left over. I was very uncomfortable with this - partly because I didn't entirely trust B to treat it with more respect than the likes of pot or beer, and partly because, well... he's my ex and I have abandonment issues about him going off on adventures without me, though I try not to let it show.

So I did a little reading up on LSD. It did sound very interesting, so between that and the personal issues, I chose to change my mind about illegal drugs and give it a try. (I've never even tried pot... cigarettes and booze are enough vices for me, I don't want any more.) I do have a diagnosed anxiety disorder that's usually under control, and also a history of turning out to be unusually sensitive to various medications. So I knew these were risks. But I decided: screw that, grow a pair and do it, it's not like I'm getting any younger.

...Set and setting...

R agreed to sit for me and B for our first acid experience, in R's apartment. We brought a few trip toys and our laptops, plus folding chairs, blankets and pillows, and an airbed, because R's apartment has almost no furniture. R would control the music unless there was something specific one of us wanted to hear, and the plan was for him to remain sober so that we'd be comfortable with the circumstances.

I didn't want to be hung over for the trip so I didn't drink the night before, but I had drank the five nights before that (for social reasons), which is way more than usual. But then I couldn't sleep and got only three hours, so I was not at my best.

This was for recreation, not spiritual exploration. To reduce likelihood of anxiety I skipped my ritalin that day (I have ADHD) since it can make me jumpy

To reduce likelihood of anxiety I skipped my ritalin that day (I have ADHD) since it can make me jumpy

, and instead took 0.5mg of lorazepam. Result: very little nervousness, not worried about anything, looking forward to an interesting experience, relaxed and anticipating some fun. So far so good. I gave it the green light.

...Coming up...

At 3:00 B took one hit and I took 2/3 of one.

By 4, B was reporting visuals, grinning like a fool, and saying 'whoa' randomly. Me: nothing. My legs felt slightly rubbery when I stood up and that was it. I started to worry I was going to miss the fun since it should have started already, and took the other 1/3 hit that I hadn't before.

By 4:30 my legs were very rubbery/shaky and I was a little nauseated, but still no other noticeable effects.

At about 5 I was laying on the airbed, nauseated and waiting around glumly for something more to show up, when something I said was so stupid that I cracked up. I began rapidly cycling between laughing and crying.

I began rapidly cycling between laughing and crying.

 Extreme emotional dysregulation: the moments of hilarity were excruciatingly intense and I'd sob and crumple up from the pain of them, only to shriek in laughter at something else a moment later.

A few mild visual hallucinations finally started; R prompted me to look at the wood grain in his floor, and it was all little streams of flowing liquid! But no bright colors. No geometric patterns. (These never did arrive.) There were some tactile hallucinations though, like feeling as though the floor were cupping and gripping my body.

Around 5:30, with R as our shepherd, we went out to a little park across the street where there weren't too many people. Still no colors, lights, or visual patterns. I still kept wanting to puke up everything I'd ever eaten. But at least the trees and the grass and even the parking lot gravel were all fascinating to look at - they looked no different from normal, but I was paying full attention and seeing all their details as though for the first time.

...Cognitive impairment...

The laughing-crying cycle had settled down and no more types of experiences were showing up, so we all (wrongly) thought I had peaked. But somewhere along the way I lost my ability to think. Concepts were hard to hold in mind. Speech was difficult. All memory was fuzzy and distant. The few thoughts that did occur to me were rudimentary and slow to take shape. At one point R asked me to explain why grass bent in the breeze, perhaps expecting some insightful comment, but I just sat there struggling to understand and explain the fact that grass is not rigid. Another time I swung my eyes around trying to find R and B and grew agitated that I couldn't see them, until I finally remembered that I could change the direction I faced by moving my head.

To be clear, I do not mean that I THOUGHT I had become dumb. I was beyond even noticing it. But the memories of how things were to me still got recorded and I can look back at them.

I was still nauseated. I began feeling very exposed and unsafe - that the world beyond our little lawn in the park was threatening and might intrude at any time. R kept saying he wished he could trip too, but he wouldn't if I'd be uncomfortable with it. I had long since lost lost my judgement of anything beyond the present moment, and said I was fine with that. So he took a couple hits.

...Four hours of hell...

We went back to the apartment around 7:30. Out in the park the evening had been pleasant, and despite the nausea I was carefully clinging to an adventurous frame of mind, so my mood was largely alright. Back inside, it was not alright.

Most of the next four hours I can no longer recall. Some bits and pieces that still come back:

- endless complaining about the endless nausea

- crying on B's knee while fearing I was ruining his trip by being such a big baby

- major spatial distortions, such as the room seemingly squashed flat at one end and wide open at the other, or hallway walls trying to squeeze in on me (mostly more funny than bothersome)

- intermittent terror that there was nobody sane to look out for us

- talking to another friend on IRC, N, who (I think) advised me to stop fighting the experience and try to accept it; this helped for a little while, until I forgot all about it

- R's choice of music being the wrong mood for me and my being too feeble-minded to convey or really even understand how much a problem it was

- uncertainty what was real; no experience of time passing; no longer understanding that I had ingested a drug

- believing I had been nauseated in R's apartment for my entire life thus far and that I was stuck that way forever

- one time, deciding to jump off the balcony and die in order to make it end... I was about to get up and do it, but something made me state my intention, and R and B stopped me (I don't remember how)

- their telling me the trip would end on its own, but I didn't believe them

- sometimes remembering that N existed and I wanted to talk to him, though moving enough to get to the computer was too difficult; B kept saying 'but I'm here, so talk to me instead'

- continual difficulty breathing, and fear that I was a victim of brain damage due to hypoxia

- taking refuge from R's music on the balcony and curling up in blankets there on the airbed (B helped me pull it out there), taking in the night sky and the reassuringly normal-sounding restaurant hubbub below, though B stuck around me like glue while I out there. I must have given him a fright with the suicide thing, though by this time I myself had forgotten about it.

...Rescue and comedown...

By 11 PM time and thought were returning, and I can remember the remainder of the evening. At 10:54 (I had asked the time) it finally occurred to me that I'd brought my lorazepam along in case anyone had anxiety problems while tripping and I took half a milligram. By 11:30 the nausea vanished and I was dramatically calmer and more comfortable.

Around midnight we walked up to the grocery store and bought food and I did fine. I successfully cooked the frozen pizza we'd bought. I kept trying to come up with insightful thoughts (under the belief that acid is supposed to make you have them), but nothing I could come up with was actually worth remembering. To give you an idea: one of them was a long, painfully-thought-out line of reasoning that led up to the mind-blowing conclusion that blue and green were the team colors of the Seattle Seahawks.

But this last phase of the trip was far more agreeable than the previous ones. I was still disappointed about the lack of color stuff - I'm always a sucker for pretty colors - but things took on a feel I don't know what to call beyond psychedelic, or dare I say, groovy. Juicy, somehow. People and spoken words took on shapes and curvy lines, not visually, but as strong mental associations. A certain drum rhythm kept going and going in my head throughout and I kept wanting to dance to it.

By 5 in the morning B had come down enough to safely drive, so we went home and went to bed.

...Hangover...

I didn't sleep well: about four hours of restless, dreamless sleep. I woke up around noon feeling awful. I felt like I was still tripping a little, and I could not think or remember much.

I spent most of the day in a profound brain fog. At one point I picked up a receipt on my desk and stared at the numbers, and I knew there was a relationship between them, but the nature of it (addition) just would not come to me. This was extremely disturbing. I knew my IQ should have been higher than THAT. It was also very hard to remember much anything. The trip and my life before it was all difficult to bring up in mind. I spent the afternoon with my mind in idle, my jaw hanging slack, and my eyes staring off into space. What thoughts I did have were mostly cloudy fears that I had somehow indeed suffered brain damage, either by hypoxia or else from the LSD.

By evening it was a little better, but that night I slept nine hours straight (six is more usual) and woke up the next morning almost totally back to normal. I can only assume the combined effects of the rough trip with sleep deprivation were simply too much for my brain.

...Conclusions...

Would I try LSD again? Actually, yes. Even though much of the experience was horrific, enough parts of it weren't that I can see what it should have been like.

Even though much of the experience was horrific, enough parts of it weren't that I can see what it should have been like.

 So now that I can see in hindsight what mistakes not to repeat, I want a do-over.

And if anyone is wondering: I have no reason to believe it was not real LSD or otherwise 'bad' acid. R and B's doses were from the same blotter paper as mine, cut by R shortly before we took it - and both of them had typical acid experiences with full visuals, typical onset and comedown times, and none of the nausea or cognition problems that I had.

Exp Year: 2015	ExpID: 106837

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 38

Published: Aug 15, 2019	Views: 2,210

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 1 hit

		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 0:00

		 oral
		 MDMA

		   T+ 2:00
		 0.5 tablets
		 oral
		 2C-B

		   T+ 0:00
		 1 hit
		 smoked
		 Cannabis

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   160 lb

I'll start this off with a little background information... My name is Kiki, I'm 24, 5'2' and about 15 pounds over my ideal weight. I started doing drugs when I was 16, which for the first 2 years was just pot and ecstasy. Slowly but surely I advanced and now have coke, crack, speed, OxyContin, hydro morph contin, Valium, MDMA, ketamine, MDA, LSD, mushrooms, dilaudid, honey oil, zapp'r, and most recently, 2c-b under my belt.

The first hallucinogen that I ever tried is mushrooms, and I immediately fell in love. I love the giggles, laughing until I'm tearing up and my cheeks hurt, the vivid colours, the movement and the happy mindset. I stuck to mushrooms as my go-to hallucinogen, until I went to a festival called Astral Harvest. Two years ago I was introduced to LSD. What I experienced, I never expected! After hearing about people being fried from it, I was really scared to ever try it. But, on July 3, 2012 I decided to take the plunge, and acid became my new favorite hallucinogen. At the time of my 2c-b trip, I had taken acid 4 or 5 times. Not one of those experiences could have even slightly prepared me for what was going to happen...

The Trip

On July 3, 2014 my friend CMan and I headed an hour north of our hometown to attend our festival of the year, Astral Harvest. We got there, set up our tent and went on our way to go find our friends that we were meeting there. It was 8:00 at this time, and dusk was setting in. We got half way down the trail toward the main stage and found our friends. Esmeralda, J, and Lia continued down the way.

J and Lia had already consumed some MDMA and mushrooms, so Esmeralda, CMan and I started out on our search for something. We ended up taking some MDMA and a tab of acid each. Even though I had been looking forward to the festival and was happy about who I was with, I wasn't yet in party mode. The music was playing, and it sounded great, but nothing made me want to dance. I felt sluggish and somewhat uninterested. The acid had very little effect on me, no movement, no colors, and no real euphoria. I went to CMan and told him that I needed something more to kick up what I had already taken. Maybe another hit of acid. CMan is one of those people who just knows who to ask to get drugs at these festivals... I'm a little more shy.

By this time, the acid had taken a slight effect and had for about an hour. When CMan came back I asked him what he had gotten ahold of. He said that he got more MDMA and a substance that I had never heard of called 2c-b. He explained to me that it would definitely kick up my high, that it was a really strong drug and extremely dose sensitive. I said I don't care, I want some. He replied that I should wait another hour and if I still feel like I want to take it then he will give it to me. So I agreed.

I waited an hour and still hadn't gotten anything major from the acid (visually or mentally), so I told CMan I was ready to take the 2c-b. I was so excited to see what the difference was! So, he pulled out the pressed pill, broke it in half and gave me half, while splitting the other half between himself and Esmeralda. At this time, we were at the main stage, we hung out there a little bit and then all agreed that we should head over to our favorite stage, Wakah Chan. On our way there, we stopped at a fire pit. At this point I started to feel the effects...

I became ecstatic, excited, giddy and silly. I had a fantastic body high, it felt almost as though I could feel the wind brushing against me, but it didn't feel like wind, it was more like a warm fur blanket brushing against my skin. And the visuals! Oh my God! I find with mushrooms and acid, I see many patterns all over everything. The sky, anything that's one tone. But with the 2c-b, the effects were different. The skies sparkled in the sky, but there was an actual twinkle, they had increased in size and they were dancing around miraculously. My dosage of 2c-b was a success! I felt so light an airy.

My dosage of 2c-b was a success! I felt so light an airy.

 I was walking around stumbling a little bit, not because I was that messed up, but because that's what I do when I do hallucinogens. So, we continued on our way to Wakah Chan. The walk there was about 8 minutes.

From Cool to Confusing

At Wakah Chan there is a little tent area that they have with couches, rugs and pillows for people to sit, chill out and relax. So, me and my little crew went over there to sit down and smoke a bowl of weed. J took the first hit. Lia took the second hit. I was #3 and as I inhaled, CMan startled me with, 'You shouldn't smoke weed with 2c-b, it can really kick it up!' With that I exhaled and panicked a little bit. Almost immediately I felt the effects of the pot.

Previous to smoking the pot, I had vibrant colors, a small amount of tracers, and everything was extreme high definition. I was sitting happily joking around with my friends. Almost immediately the mood changed. I started to become overwhelmed with the visuals. They went from light, bright colors to metallic, dark colors. I felt confused and nervous. It seemed like everything was too much to take in. It began to feel like the world was upside down. I tried my best to shrug it off and have a good time. I decided to try dance a little while sitting down, but it wasn't as comforting and fun as I had expected it to be.

While I was sitting in the circle on the ground with my friends a guy in a pink panther suit with a red glowing box asked me if I wanted to touch it. I said yes and proceeded to do so. A few minutes later I started tripping harder. All of the images around me started to become dark. I realized that I was no longer where I was supposed to be, or had been...

I was somewhere eerily familiar and was taken there in a strange way. The best way that I can describe it is windshield wipers. It was like one wiper came from the left hand side and wiped a completely new setting in front of me. I was still in a circle with CMan, J, Lia and Esmeralda but everything else was different. The background of where we were was red and black, as through we were in a cave lit up by red lights and fire. I was in Hell. I was sitting cross-legged and I was unable to move. I could turn my head but my legs and arms were completely immobile. CMan was leaning on my shoulder and he couldn't move either. My face was blank and I was confused. Esmeralda looked at me and said, 'Do we finally look familiar?'

'Yes.'

'Do you know from where?'

'No...'

Now, at this point I don't remember if Esmeralda explained to me where I had known them from before or if I just interpreted it and figured it out on my own. I had originally seen this scene on a salvia trip I had gone on. It was these 4 people and me in a room, stuck there for eternity.

I had originally seen this scene on a salvia trip I had gone on. It was these 4 people and me in a room, stuck there for eternity.

'Do you remember the warning?'

'Oh, fuck! No..! Please!'

'Sorry honey, that's the way it is. You were told what was going to happen. Congratulations, you've officially tripped.'

Now, when she told me that I officially tripped I though two things, the first was that I had TRIPPED and was going to be this high forever. The other thing I thought was that I had taken a bad pill and died.

So, I got into this weird loop where J, Lia, and Esmeralda looked my way, sadly, and I turned toward CMan and he said, 'I love you, Kiki.' 'I love you too, CMan.'

This loop went on for about ten minutes. Just basically re-realizing what happened to me and looking toward my friends for some support.

After ten minutes of this, I kinda snapped myself out of it, had a couple sips of water and started to rock my body back and forth since I couldn't move anything else. It seemed like I was beginning to snap out of my panicked mood, and was going to have a nice, happy trip after all! God, was I ever wrong...

From Mediocre to Malevolent

As I did my rocking 'dance' I looked over at CMan who was looking up to me and smiling. I felt better, I felt lighter and I could move! So, I switched positions and stretched out my legs. I could talk again too! I explained to my friends what was going on in my conversations, where they said the only thing that was actually said was the 'I love you's' between CMan and I. Whatever, at least things were getting better. I guess while I was in my state, a couple people in the crowd had asked about me and how I was doing. Suddenly beside me was a girl crouched down beside me, 'What's she on?' She asked. CMan answered her, '2c-b'

CMan was attached to my arm again. I felt panicked. He went to nibble on my shoulder. It made my shoulder hurt. He had bitten my shoulder and ripped off a big chunk of flesh. I looked over at the girl who was SWIM and someone I had never met. When my eyes reached her face I was extremely terrified. She had red, evil eyes and blood pouring down her face. I looked toward my crew, they too had blood pouring down their face. I looked down at CMan, whom I know the best out of the group. He had devil horns but I could still differentiate the fact that he was my friend, he wasn't evil and that he looked that way because I was on drugs.

In a panicked voice, I told CMan to sit up so that he wasn't leaning against me and he did so. I looked at him, weaves my fingers between his and held his hand as tight as I could, 'It's bad,' I said, 'we have to go.'

Hand in hand we began walking with the other three behind us. I needed to be away from the big crowd. As we walked, everyone that came toward us had blood pouring down their face. I looked up at CMan, whom was originally wearing a blue onesie which was now a black and white pinstripe suit with a red tie, devil horns and blood on his face. Esmeralda was now wearing a bright red dress, had fangs, a witch nose and blood also pouring down her face. I hugged CMan closer. He asked if I was okay. I couldn't speak. I shook my head, no, to him. After breathing and attempting to understand my thoughts, I explained to CMan what I was seeing and what was going on. How terrified I was. He told me to just hold his hand tight, and close my eyes. He would be my guide. We walked for about ten minutes where we stopped at some ports potties to pee. CMan said that he needed to use the washroom. I really didn't want him to, but still proceeded to let go of his hand and let him take care of business.

At this time, I got freaked out by something, grabbed Lia's hand and took off, that's what happened in real life. In my head it was much, much different. The girl who crouched down beside me came up to me and took me by the hand as a guide and started explaining things to me...

'Do you understand what you did? You know that your friends don't even notice that you're gone?' She waved her hand across the scene as if to show me everything, 'this happens all the time. You just wanted to have fun? And now look at you. You're just another dead girl at a party. And where are your friends? They're not even with you, they don't even notice that you're gone. Are those really the people that you want to be calling your friends?'

I contemplated what she was saying... I was dead. That was where I had been when I was sitting down in the circle. My own personal Hell. Unable to move and just sitting there. The crouching girl took me on a tour, and finally lead me over to... Somewhere. It was the gates to Hell. 'You don't have long, make sure you're prepared. You know what you have to do.'

I gulped back my fears, and tried my best to throw caution to the wind.

CMan came up to me and grabbed my hand, 'Kiki, is it starting to look familiar?'

'Yes,' I replied, ' and I'm fucking ready. But, if I'mma do this, I'm not going to be afraid. I'm gonna fuckin' do it like a fuckin' gangsta. I'm gonna enjoy this. I want to be reminded how much it hurts.'

With that, I walked away doing a gangster strut. I walked up to my path to Hell. On my path was everyone I had ever done wrong, anyone I had had a falling out with. Basically anyone whom I had been in a negative situation with. They were all standing in a row beside where I needed to walk. I didn't look at them, I raised my head high, and strutted past them. As I did so, they spat on me. The sky was dark, I was alone but I felt strong and fearless. The path I was walking was made of a flesh-like substance. It was almost as though every time my foot was pressed against the ground, my foot was graphed to the ground, so each step that I took ripped the flesh off the bottom of my foot. It was extremely painful, to say the least. But I kept going. At the end of the path, there was a staircase. But, CMan, J, Esmeralda and Lia were part of the staircase, and we had to be broken down, and painfully ripped apart. How this part looked is too hard to explain. I still don't fully understand what everything was in this scene or how it worked together. However, not long after I seen what I was in the end.

I was taken back to where my drug-induced death had happened and looked down on myself. I had to look down on my body and watch myself deteriorate. Everything looked and smelled like rotting flesh. I watched this happen until all that was left of me was a chunk of my tongue rotting. And that flesh it what I was to be for eternity. That Chinese torture thing, where they drip water on your forehead until there is a hole in your skull? That's what was going to happen to my tongue.

Once that was done, I was with CMan again and we were walking. He asked me if things were starting to look familiar again...

I was with CMan again and we were walking. He asked me if things were starting to look familiar again...

 The trip was about to go on repeat!  At this point in real life we headed to a tent and passed out. I sat up for a bit tripping out on a picture. Confused and not quite sure if I was dead or alive eventually I passed out and the effects mostly wore off.

My 2c-b trip lasted for 9 Hell Raising hours. The pain that my feet had gotten from walking my path to Hell was still affecting me for the whole next day. But, 8 hours after feeling sober, and having no visual effects, I smoked a joint. Immediately (maybe 5 minutes later), everything looked like it was rotting again. I was back in a bad place. I had to hide out in a tent.

My 2c-b trip really messed with me. I have done acid and mushrooms once each since this trip, and both on both substances I had flashbacks to Hell. Even within the first few weeks when smoking pot, I was highly affected. Flashbacks, weird noises, and feelings of anxiousness. I truly enjoyed 2c-b in the beginning of the trip, and I would love to do it again in a smaller dose, and definitely not smoke weed with it. Everyone that I have talked to said that they have never heard of a trip like this. It was scarring and something that I can't understand or comprehend and a big eye opener. Just because you go into a trip with a positive attitude does not mean that you'll have a good trip, and a bad trip is much harder to get out of then I ever imagined.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 104193

Gender: Female

Age at time of experience: 24

Published: Aug 24, 2019	Views: 2,736

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2), MDMA (3), 2C-B (52) : Difficult Experiences (5), Post Trip Problems (8), Combinations (3), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 2 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 3:35

		 smoked
		 Cannabis

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   150 lb

23 / 10

My goal for this trip today is to reset my mind and spirit to a more exploratory and positive world-view. I have gotten bogged down in downers to block out and escape my anxieties and insecurities, but ultimately they are a blockade to me actually progressing with my life. I hope this trip will put me on the right track and help break the negative cycle I have fallen into. I have also recently started studying anthropology so it would be interesting to contemplate some of the concepts that I have been studying this far a bit deeper - try to push towards the core.

08.30 am (T+0.00): Drop two tabs of nice quality clean LSD (estimated 180 – 200 ug). The tabs was advertised as 140ug but as always I assume it to be lower than advertised, and through previous experience of said batch and tenuous cross-reference to other experiences I guestimate them to be 90 – 100 ug each - but hey, who really knows?

T+0.30: The first tells are starting to come on, my head is starting to feel light, my stomach funny, and there is a subtle sheen emerging in my vision. It is a nice autumnal day with crisp clear breaks of sun through wispy cloud, a perfect day for a spiritual reset.

LSD unlocks the divine within oneself. The spark of divinity present in each individual manifestation of the One source.

T+1.00: I can feel gentle energy rolling subtly through my body in tandem with the music and I find myself moving in flowing sinuous movements. This seems to be a characteristic of most of my acid come-ups. Maybe it’s just my body getting comfortable with the newly emerging sense of energies usually beyond the realm of the senses. Dancing in symbiosis with the energy that is all around.

T+1.04: I decide to lie down and put on my eye mask to see if there is anything accessible behind closed eyelids.

T+1.35: As usual I am always slightly taken aback by the subtle gentle incline in the effects of nice LSD. It rises slowly, like a pure light from within, taking it’s time to start seeping out into the external environment. So far the major effects are somatic – a feeling of blissful energy and Being, although visuals definitely have started to present themselves a bit as everything takes on a glassy sheen.

I would normally smoke cannabis at this point or earlier to help usher in the visuals and effects but have decided to refrain this time for a more ‘pure’ LSD experience, and maybe leave it for the reflective comedown portion of the trip. Although I love cannabis and it undoubtedly adds something special to any psychedelic experience I suspect it can add to the confusing and chaotic aspects to a trip so will keep it to a minimum and see if I can observe any noticeable differences in clarity of trip. It’s worth noting that I am a regular cannabis smoker and don’t think I have ever tripped without it so this is a novel experience for me.

T+1.50: It is important for living beings to try and holistically incorporate all aspects of being into the pool of the All. Learn to use your body, your mind, learn about how the world we find ourselves in now operates and maybe through this someday we will get an inkling of the general direction of things. Life as we know it existentially is like a game, it’s a mysterious field where we don’t know all the rules, but the more we interact with the game and learn the rules the more fun and fulfilling our game experience will be.

T+2.00: I decide to do a little bit of Kundalini Yoga with the aid of an instructional video online to move some of the energy around my body.

T+2.25: I feel a bit more centred and limber after the yoga but all in all I found the instructional video I was watching distracted me from anything deeper. I think it is best to meditate undistracted, so I decide to do just that.

T+2.50: I am approaching the peak and although it has been a pleasant experience so far, and certainly much more clear-headed, I am left a little underwhelmed and decide now is an appropriate time to roll a small joint.

T+3.00: LSD is a gentle slope towards the peak, I think I’m there until BAM, I reach the summit and witness the vistas bellow realising that NOW I’m there. I decide to hold back on the joint for now and see where this takes me. Everything has become touched with beauty and detail. I found myself looking at a photo of the Bayon Temple in Angkor Wat, the still and smiling faces of Bodhisattva forever at stillness in the rock, there is a deep serenity to be found in just being. Humbleness, kindness, compassion and intent are the keys to happiness.

T+3.35: I decided to smoke the joint and invoke the divine spirit of Shiva as a catalyst for inward exploration. I put on my eye-mask and some ambient drones and lie back in my bed.

I am a seam in the fabric of the whole…

I need to allow the serene in nature - the wide silent spaces and open vistas of experience - into my life. And find tranquillity in the spirit of the individual through the tranquillity of the spirit of the whole.

I open my window and hear the guttural vocalisations of workers outside; are these the same crude mouth noises that we all rely on as the sole medium for the transmission of information? I start to think of forms of information transferral in other species - the hive mind - pheromones – chemically downloaded information that goes directly to the core of the organism…

LSD loosens the psychological boundaries for imprinting.

Bliss is to be found in the silence between.

T+4.45: After spending some time meditating I decided I needed a light snack. I went downstairs and helped myself to some snacks, and thought it could be interesting to turn on the TV and see what my perception of ‘general life’ is like at the moment. I happened upon Masterchef US with Gordon Ramsey and it just seemed to me the most hilarious spectacle. An ultra-hyped-up ‘Give the humans what they want, just throw it at ‘em!’ entertainment. Full of Ego’s, motorbikes, machismo and sausage. Every human pitted against one another to try and get the ultimate prize of appraisal for their Italian sausage by an inflated caricature in a leather jacket flanked by a couple of B-movie mobsters. It all seemed very contrived and like the pinnacle of silliness and I couldn’t help but laugh at it all. I couldn’t watch for long though and turned it off at the commercial.

Thought and imagery associated with Buddhist philosophy has been at the forefront during this trip, which is not a philosophy that I would maintain in my daily life and certainly not one I have been upholding in practice. Although I’m not a converted Buddhist, I think there certainly are elements of it that speak to me at the life-stage I find myself right now that merit listening to and integrating.

T+4.30: My muscles are a little stiff so I decide to take a hot bath.

T+5.10: The bath did the job, it was nice, mellow, and thought provoking. I have been thinking a lot about the essential connectivity and unity of all life, we are individuals but we all share DNA-life at the kernel of our being driving us on towards something. I had the image of humanity likened to a giant plant, all connected through the same route system to the same life giving source. But we each flower individually and have our own distinct pollen to spread and add to the fray of the genus as a whole.

I think it could be interesting to have a little venture outside, so out I go…

T+8.00: I spent roughly the last two hours outdoors, wandering around the local nature reserve and beach. The journey started interestingly when as I turned on to the path leading to the nature reserve I overheard two women walking by, one of them was asking the other something along the lines of ‘Do you ever wonder what people say about you in other people’s stories? Like, if you are a part of someone else’s narrative?’. Now that is a fairly deep snippet of conversation to be overhearing with a head full of acid.

I worked my way up the hill that is the nature reserve, which is ironically straddled by a backdrop of factories billowing out massive puffs of nature destroying smoke. I stopped and listened to the noise from the factories, which at one point along the trail drowned out all sound of nature. I closed my eyes and really focused in on the sounds, chugging and dissonant with no harmony – this is the soundtrack to life in the city, the backdrop to our psyche. Whereas the sounds of nature struck me as harmonious. I underwent deep psychological contemplations as I walked, again the theme of the unity of life being present, and also dealing with some of the roots of my own social anxieties.

I reached the summit of the small hill and walked out onto the small plateau overlooking the sea and city beyond. I realised that all I strive for, and I believe anyone does, was the quiet and freedom to just be without judgement or anxiety. I think this ideal of the open free space is what anyone who gets drawn to nature strives for, subconsciously or consciously, and I felt a bond with the mainly pensioner crowd that made up my (unwitting) companions here on this voyage. It made me realise how much I am bound by and caught up in the social conventions and expectations that I so vehemently pay lip-service against. Yet I am also a slave, shackled by a net of internalised social structures, which like all human structures are arbitrary and fallible. My mind was then cast back to the commonalities of life that transcend social-structure and I continued my beatific journey down the backside of the hill and on to the beach.

Once I reached the beach the sound of the sea overpowered the dissonant drones of the factories. I joyed in the beauty of the world - a small flock of starlings flew past in graceful formation and each shell was magnificent in its artistry. I found myself a nice little sheltered spot against a sand dune, where I sat down and meditated to the lapping rhythm of the sea and revelled in just being - sitting there on the beach looking through shells and at the sea, like the crows that scarpered about me. As I sat there and watched the crows, the undeniable difference between life forms struck me. I reasoned at the time that although we all glow with the same life-force at the core, the physical receptacle places certain limits and infers certain directions for its expression whilst manifest in specific physical forms.

On the way home I decided to go to the shops to pick up a couple of things I needed. All went well in the shop and I found it interesting watching all the people milling about the isles. There was a brief awkward moment though in the off-license while I was buying a few beers, I seem to have lost all control of my bodies heat-regulating mechanisms and went completely flushed and red whilst attempting small-talk with the girl behind the counter. She’s a kind girl but she’s seen me in there far too many times before in various states of substance induced discombobulation and probably thinks I’m a poor fool. Ah well, what can you do. So it goes…

It may be worth noting at this point that the trip itself hasn’t been overly visual, although visuals are certainly present. I believe that the true force of the LSD trip is psychological in nature. Also abstaining from Cannabis apart from one small joint at the T+3.30 mark did remove a certain chaotic depth that I believe Cannabis adds, it was an altogether more coherent and ‘clear’ trip which I found enjoyable and useful for the purpose of this trip.

Today has been a real eye-opener of a trip and very valuable. It shed a lot of light on some addictions and bad habits I have fallen into and the fallacy and ultimate worthless destructiveness of them. I’m not saying this one trip has cured me of all my ills, but I do believe it has been a stepping stone onto a better path.

Exp Year: 2017	ExpID: 113261

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 26

Published: Jun 10, 2019	Views: 1,843

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2) : General (1), Alone (16)


		 DOSE:

		 105 ug
		 sublingual
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   130 lb

To preface this trip report, I'm writing this about a year after the actual trip happened, so I'm sure some details have gotten lost or mixed up in my mind, but I remember the trip quite well regardless.

I'm sure some details have gotten lost or mixed up in my mind, but I remember the trip quite well regardless.

To give you an idea of my setting, I was 18, living in a cold, Northern US state in the chilly fall with some family members, the only drug I was familiar with was weed, which I had just started smoking about a year beforehand and smoked daily. I had become curious about psychedelics and LSD around the age of 16 and had been researching them and reading reports for a long time.

I had finally gotten a hold of some legit Voidrealms and was mentally prepared, or so I thought. In retrospect, I should not have tripped yet. For some background, I struggle with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder which makes things like this difficult.

My sister, A, the person I was most comfortable with in the house and the only one I could really talk about tripping with, had left with her husband and kids and would end up being gone for a few hours, leaving me alone with her friend, B, and his girlfriend, C, who were crashing over for a while, but were complete strangers to me at the time.

I woke up that morning around 8am. I had been planning to have my first trip today at noon and I was giddy with excitement. I ate a healthy egg breakfast, took a shower, dressed in my favorite comfortable clothes and passed the time listening to music, mostly.

Then, finally, it was time. I pulled out my tinfoil stash and sat down at my computer. I was becoming increasingly nervous, but my excitement to finally experience the psychedelic I've been wanting to try for years outweighed this anxiety. I could hardly contain it. I was shaking, bouncing my leg almost uncontrollably, my heart was beating quickly. I took some deep breaths, then pulled off one tab from my small strip of Voidrealms and walked to the bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror, I admired the trippy, rainbow-colored art on both sides of the tab before carefully placing it on my tongue. I cautiously waited to see if any bitter taste presented itself, and when it didn't, I moved the tab under my tongue. Now, we wait.

I walked back to my room and sat at my computer. I opened a chatroom I was in with some friends and told them what I was doing and they told me to keep them informed.

Probably 10 minutes or so had passed by now. Searching through my music collection for a good album to guide me through my trip, I started to feel very cold and began shivering. This wasn't exactly abnormal at this time of year in my state, especially since my room had a particularly drafty window right behind my computer chair. I turned my little space heater on and put it next to my feet and continued searching. I settled on Walking with Strangers by The Birthday Massacre. I put my headphones on, fired up my favorite game at the time, Killing Floor 2, joined a server and started the music. I still remember, it was the Halloween event map, Monster Ball. I said something alone the lines of "Dropping acid for the first time, let's see how this goes" to my teammates. "Uhh, I dunno if I'd play this game on acid, dude.", a teammate replied. About 15-20 minutes must have passed by now and I was starting to feel 'off' by this point. My teammate's statement gave me a vague feeling of paranoia, but I pushed it aside in my mind and focused on enjoying myself.

Colors were starting to become noticeably a bit brighter and more vibrant, and hearing my favorite song off of the album, 'Kill the Lights', felt almost orgasmic to my ears. The music sent chills over my entire body. It was like the feeling of hearing your favorite song for the first time. I was still playing surprisingly well and had yet to die. By the time the second song, 'Goodnight', was over, I was starting to feel the trippy headspace effects. I remember telling my teammates something like "Okay, I'm starting to feel weird. This is crazy". The bliss started to become clouded by my own anxiety over the new feelings. Rather than letting go and letting it happen, I made the classic mistake of fighting and clinging to my sober consciousness.

The bliss started to become clouded by my own anxiety over the new feelings. Rather than letting go and letting it happen, I made the classic mistake of fighting and clinging to my sober consciousness.

 I could tell things were going south. Sure enough, I told my teammate he was right and that I couldn't play anymore. I left the server, minimized the game and went back to the chatroom. I told everyone that I was really starting to trip and felt weird. I distinctly remember the feeling of my fingers touching my keyboard. It felt almost...sticky? Despite the fact that I always keep my mouse and keyboard clean to an almost obsessive level. It's hard to describe now. It felt like my fingers were melting into them as I typed, and as if they would stick to my fingers when I pulled my hands away. I looked down at it and noticed how they were noticeably breathing and drifting around. I looked back up at the screen and was sure I was tripping by now. Everyone could set their own font color in the chat, and they were all so bright, distinct and vibrant by now. It was like a neon light show just watching the chat messages go by. I tried typing something about this, and it looked like the characters were floating and drifting away from the chat box. I started laughing, starting to enjoy myself again. I looked around my room and found that everything looked like this, as if it were all under a runny, thick, see-through layer of oil or something. Everything looked somewhat cartoonish and 'underwater', if that makes sense.

Just as I thought everything was better, I looked out my window and saw that my sister's car was gone. This is when I remembered that they were leaving for a few hours today. Suddenly, the paranoia of being alone hit me. I felt a pit in my stomach. I tried ignoring it and convincing myself I was fine, but kept getting caught in paranoid thought loops over being alone while tripping. Then, to throw a match on the fire, I heard a knock at my room door. I froze up and tried not to make any sound. "Hey, you there?" It was B. I know him better now, but at the time he was a complete stranger to me. What did he want? Why is he knocking on my door now? Surely he's going to try to kill me now that everyone else is gone so he can rob us. Paranoid thoughts like this flooded my mind. My heart was racing. I put my hand to my chest and felt it. Big mistake. I suddenly became convinced I was going to have a heart attack. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, I desperately tried to calm myself down. It didn't work. I made the classic beginners mistake. I took out my phone and dialed 911. "Uh, yeah, I think I need an ambulance?? No, I don't know, I just think I'm dying. I'm gonna have a heart attack. Uh no, I don't know why. Please help. I'm scared.". I imagine the call went something like that, though it's a blur by now. I hung up and frantically hid my stash, then clumsily tried putting my shoes on. Fuck, why did I have to wear high tops? Why couldn't I have slip ons? It took what felt like 20 minutes, but was probably more like 2 or 3, to finally get my shoes on and get them tied.

I walked outside and sat in the driveway, waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Looking around, I noticed that the visuals still weren't too crazy but were definitely still ramping up. Colors were a bit more vibrant, anything I focused on breathed and drifted. It was beautiful, but it wasn't enough to distract me from my terrified, paranoid headspace yet. The paramedics arrived and started asking me questions about my condition. I ended up telling them that I just smoked a bunch of weed (I had a medical marijuana card, so I knew I couldn't get in trouble for that cover story) and was freaking out. They took me into the ambulance and took my HR and BP, the usual. They started asking me what today's date was, my date of birth, etc. and I started becoming very confused. I knew that I could answer these things, but every time I tried I was thrown into another thought loop. I don't remember how, but I finally managed to answer all of their questions through all of the slow 'um..'s and awkward silent pauses.

I remember looking out the back window of the ambulance as we drove to the hospital and becoming entranced. The visuals must have been nearing their early peak by now. Everything was so bright and colorful. It was like a cartoon almost. I couldn't even explain why or how it was so beautiful now, but I was in awe. I couldn't stop staring, until we finally arrived at the ER. I got out, thanked them, and went to the waiting room.

It was around this point that everything changed. I remember looking around me, looking down at my black jeans and just noticing all of the little specs of color on it from lint, dust, or gravel and whatnot and how vibrant and noticeable they were against the dark black fabric, and the way they all drift around when I look. An overwhelming calmness and sense of relief washed over me. I remember thinking exactly, "Wait, this is fucking cool!" and walking up to the receptionist and asking, "so, can I just like, leave?" She confirmed that I could and I called a taxi back home.

As I stood outside, I remember being so completely happy and content with everything. I had an entirely new appreciation for everything that I took for granted previously.

I had an entirely new appreciation for everything that I took for granted previously.

 It was a beautiful, chilly fall day. Everything was so colorful and vibrant. I remember looking at a nearby tree and thinking that it looked like I was inside a painting. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face if I tried. I remember a woman walking up to me and asking me to hold her soda while she put her purse on her other shoulder. I obliged and remember thinking to myself how good it felt to help someone out. My cab arrived and I got in and started my ride home.

The driver exchanged some friendly small talk with me and again, I stared out the window and became almost entranced with the beauty of everything. I remember hearing the driver's walkie, something about someone else needing a ride from the ER after me, and thinking about how we're all in this together. We're all connected. Everyone is just their own separation of consciousness making its way through the same world. This made me feel very happy, and I remember trying to send good vibes to the other ER dude.

The taxi dropped me off at home, I paid and thanked them and then walked back inside. Everyone was back home now and my sister was cooking dinner. She asked if I was okay as I'd been gone for a while, and I just said something vague along the lines of "Couldn't be better", a dumb smile still on my face, and headed back to my room. I remember everything looking like a living, moving painting. The steam coming out of the pot on the stove, the patterns on the counters, the tiles on the floor, the wood walls, everything was breathing and flowing together like a big, abstract pastel painting. It was beautiful.

I sat back down at my computer, and opened Killing Floor 2 again, joining a server and starting the music where I left off.

The first song to play on the CD after I started again was 'Unfamiliar'. "..It's all coming back to me..." I distinctly remember when the chorus hit, feeling like it was so perfect to my situation, as if it were made for this exact moment, narrating my trip. Earlier I was spiraling into a bad trip, freaking out, but now it's all coming back to me. It felt blissful.

The game looked insane by now. EVERYTHING was waving, drifting, melting and breathing on my screen and the colors were so bright and vibrant, it was like I could /feel/ them just by looking at them. The Halloween event/map couldn't be more perfect for it, either. For reference, if you've never played it, it's basically this super colorful, Halloween rave party map. Glowsticks everywhere, fog, a dancefloor room complete with rave music, lasers, and a lit-up dancefloor. I couldn't stop gushing about how fucking cool everything was. I remember getting into a discussion about acid with one of my teammates, but I don't really remember what all was said. Oddly enough, I felt like I played 10x better than sober or just stoned. Its like I knew my goal, and I knew exactly how to achieve it. Aim for the head, keep moving, don't get cornered. It's like my brain was programmed to win this game and not get killed. I top-scored and probably played better on that trip than I ever have before.

After a while of playing and finishing the album, I decided I should eat something. I got some apples and water from the kitchen and took them back to my room. It tasted amazing. I can't even describe how good it feels to eat fresh fruits while tripping. Usually I crave junk food like pizza and chips and candy while stoned, but unhealthy things seem awful on acid. While eating, I got the overwhelming urge to write down all of my gained knowledge and epiphanies for my sober self to remember after I come down. I couldn't let this all go to waste and be for nothing. I filled at least 3 pages in my notebook, but I've since lost the notebook. I do remember that a big one was that I was struggling with anorexia and seriously underweight at the time, and that moment was what drove me to recover finally (I'm still on the low side but doing a lot better now).

I finished my fruit and went back to Killing Floor 2. This time I put on Loveless by My Bloody Valentine. I distinctly remember getting this feeling through the early and late comedown. It was almost a 'liquid' feeling in my head, if that makes sense? It's as if I could feel it slowly draining out of my brain and down my body and spine in waves. It was very weird, but not at all unpleasant. The visuals seemed to slow down for a bit, and then hit me again suddenly in waves.

The album sounded fucking beautiful. Something about shoegaze on acid is just so right. It felt like I was drowning in the dreamy reverb-y walls of guitar and distortion, in a good way. I reflected a lot on my trip, and my place in life in general, and became very emotional. I just cried through a lot of it, but not in a bad way. Just a cathartic, "I needed this" kind of crying. My face was soaked with tears and everyone else in the house was asleep by the time the album was over. I felt like I'd been through so much, it seemed like an eternity ago that I'd put that tab on my tongue.

I was so glad I finally tried LSD. It was honestly a life changing experience. It's still one of the most beautiful days of my life to this day. I've had many, many trips in the year or so that's passed since then and I'm hoping to try DMT soon. I don't regret any of it. My biggest word of advice from this trip is something that's been said a million times before, but is absolutely crucial: make sure your set and setting are comfortable and safe. Don't trip around strangers. Don't trip completely alone for your first time if you're prone to anxiety. And always remember that even when things go bad, you can pull yourself out of it and have an amazing experience. Never just assume "this is it, I'm having a bad trip".

Exp Year: 2018	ExpID: 113621

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 18

Published: Sep 27, 2019	Views: 2,339

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), Glowing Experiences (4), Depression (15), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), First Times (2), Various (28)