		 DOSE:

		 150 ug
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   repeated
		 inhaled
		 Nitrous Oxide
		 (gas)

		   repeated
		 smoked
		 Cannabis
		 (plant material)

		   repeated
		 insufflated
		 Ketamine
		 (powder / crystals)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   50 kg

This report contains the first time I combined LSD and ketamine, it was written a few months after the experience, when I was trying to catch up on my trip reports: I keep a personal database, to make sure I never forget my experiences. I decided to translate this report from dutch to english because of the combination I used this specific trip.

I was at the time an 18 year old female. I'm experienced with all substances used here, it was my 20th LSD trip, 3rd time combining nitrous oxide with LSD and my first time combining ketamine with LSD, although I had done it sober once or twice before. Concerning the cannabis; I've been smoking that daily for years; I don't even think it made a difference to the trip, that is probably worth mentioning.

The date was: 28th of March 2009, the location a psy trance rave in a squatted village just outside of Amsterdam and my company where my boyfriend, Ri, who wasn't tripping this time and good friend At who also took LSD and a similair dose.

Set and Setting:

The event was three days before my birthday and I wasn't planning on having a party of my own; instead I would celebrate it on the psy trance party with a few friends who would come along. In the end only two people came a long and only one of them would trip with me. The people joining me were my boyfriend Ri; who decided not to trip because he wanted his first LSD trip to be indoors and not on a party (that happened a month later and he's my standard tripping buddy now-a-days) and good friend At who also took a similair dose of LSD. Even though we were a small group on a large party I was sure it would be fun enough.

The trip:

Seeing we had already arrived quite late at the Village we decided to start the trip right away. There was a chill out called 'the gnome house' in dutch and we decided to take the LSD there. It turned out rather full but we saw some people I knew from a dutch drug related forum so we joined them. It was already eleven pm so I got out my LSD. I had this specific blotter tested at a lab where they test your drugs for substance, purity and strength anonymously (they are in every major dutch city) and I had these hits tested at around 100 ug of LSD. I took 1.5 of them. My friend also took his dose and we got offered a balloon of nitrous right at that time by the dutch forum people; which we gladly accepted. Of course the come-up hadn’t started yet, 3 minutes after taking the LSD, but nitrous is fun while sober too, just not nearly as impressive; mostly a physical buzz for me.

After sitting there and chatting for a while some space opened up in the back of the chill out area so we moved ourselves to that location. Now a bit later in to the come up, around +0.20 maybe we decided to do some nitrous again. This time it seemed to speed up the come-up; colours went from normal to extremely warm and bright and the first swirling patterns formed in the wall right in front of me. The visuals kept building up from that point and during that time At took out his huge green laser pen and some random people at the party were looking at it. It also drew the attention of some weird person who started commenting to At about his 'gadgets' and 'materialism' and kept asking him very assumptious questions about his personality, which was rather unpleasant. Ri told At not to be bothered by it and At looked a little sad. I didn’t care for joining this conversation as I don’t like talking to people who assume things about other people without having a clue about their personality; it did stop At from playing with his laser, which was a shame because it caused some nice green visuals.

With At still looking a mix of surprised and sad it was time for a good distraction though so we did what we usually do when tripping in that specific location: go for a walk around the village. Ri, even though he wasn't tripping, decided to walk with us for company. The visuals got interesting during this walk, the first part is stone, and then there’s a long part that is grass, with water on both sides. If I looked up the stars moved around forming different patterns each time, as if star signs were drawn on them and stars kept appearing and disappearing and it felt like I could see the depth and farness much better then normally. The ground was covered in mostly bright green with bright purple patterns very typical for LSD (they look the same every trip) that moved rythmicly and the plants moved rythmicly in similair patterns. From time to time they started changing shape to more abstract patterns until they completely lost their plant like appearance and looked like huge 3D patterns and then they’d change back to plants with patterns floating in front of them instead of the patterns being the plants, this would switch every now and then. A bit further down that path I got the same visual for the 4th time in 4 different trips. Its like walking into nothing, the path appeared to be not there with not only water on both sides but right in front of me as well.

The colourful but dark path was interesting, but not interesting enough to keep us there so we went back to the party. I’m not intirely sure what happened here, but it was probably not too interesting. At some point anymore, probably +1.30 in time I went into the church with Ri to dance for a bit. I probably forgot to mention the main dancing area is a squatted church; very richly decorated with projections, black light art, a bar and a great sound system that is even more impressive due to the church’s accoustics. Walking in there was a very surreal experience, as always on these type of parties. Everything shifted around eachother and turned very square, people’s faces floated in to other people’s faces and in to the space in between it, sound seemed to echo a lot and everything kept moving around in these square forms. The music, from what I can remember of it, seemed good so we danced for a while. Depending on what I thought and felt the visuals added to that, and because I was very engaged in the dancing, the visuals would be very random. After a while we realised we hadn’t seen At for a while, and that we had been dancing for quite long; and I always enjoy trying to find people on parties so we decided to go look for him.

Finding him proved easy; he was on the path we had walked earlier and told us he was very happy we found him because appearantly he had this odd mindloop where both sides would be endless and he couldn’t get off; well we were more aware of the endings of the path so we took him off and brought him to the fire outside of the church. The lights looked melting and there were turning and fractal like patterns on the ground. I decided now that the trip was fully active (+2.00) it would be a good idea to do some nitrous again. We chose an object to sit on with few of the church. The first thing I noticed when inhaling was the fact the sound seemed to be turned inside out; just completely inside out, then it shifted again, but I’m not sure what direction / dimention it was pulled in, but it sounded fascinating. I was at the same time staring at Ri’s face and all of the normal LSD patterns took the shape of his face and like a kaleidoscope it took over my intire vision.

Unfortunately the sound of whippits draws hippies like musqito’s, so in no time we were surrounded by people who wanted some. Lucky for them our forum-friend had plenty to share and was appearantly selling them there, so we redirected them. Around this point in time we had run out of our own nitrous; so we decided to ask the forum friend for some whippits as well. She gave me two for free, which gave me enough to do one last round with my company. While asking for the patterns the air there felt thick from the nitrous and the forum friend had a huge sedated smile on her face; funny to look at.

We decided we should do the last nitrous on an interesting location and chose a weird climbable object on the path we had walked earlier. We climbed on it and even though it looked small we easily fit on it with the three of us. At was worried he’d fall off while doing the nitrous but we assured him it was large enough. A nice detail, mostly for me, is that the village cat came to visit us there, one year prior to this on my 12th lsd trip I had seen the same cat often in that path again, so that was a little bit of nostalgia. This time I mostly noticed ‘the cat had a nice pattern on her fur’. While filling the balloons, which was after all the reason we climbed the object, the plants around me were swirling and growing upwards in a sort of repetative pattern and completely unexpectedly huge fractal flowers grew out of it. Beautiful, but not even a fraction of what I’d see with the nitrous.

After inhaling the balloon I felt like in a wind tunnel, or just flying forward really, really fast. The wind pulled everything into straight lines with one very tiny point in the center of my vision still looking normal, which made it appear I was flying there. When the nitrous feeling started to fade the plants reappeared and started growing fractal flowers on the rythm of the music coming from the party again. I remember feeling a bit sad for Ri because he wasn’t tripping and his nitrous wasn’t interesting. I decided this thing we were sitting on was fun enough to smoke a joint there so we did that and after that climbed off. Appearantly at that time At’s keys fell on the ground and we had to go look for them under the weird object. It was dark and wet and completely covered in visuals so I couldn’t make out the keys at all. The better I tried to look the less ‘reality’ I would see left; it was bright green, glowing, shifting, moving, curling and patterning and I definatly couldn’t see any keys. Even ‘sober’ Ri couldn’t see them.

Right then things turned even more annoying for At, but even more hilarious for us. Because it had been my birthday, he baked a pie. That on itself was a good idea. Putting the pie in tin foil in the pockets of his trousers however where a much worse idea. Appearantly the tin foil had ripped and his pockets were filled with pie. He then pulled out his laser pen and said in the saddest voice (reminding of a young child who’s ice cream fell off the cone) ‘there’s pie in my laser’. I had to run a few meters further just to laugh really hard. I realised how nasty this situation was for him, but just the fact there was pie on all his stuff made it a little too funny.

None of what happened in between here is overly relevant; not the most interesting visuals I had, not the most relevant conversations.. so I’ll skip to the ketamine part. I had the idea for a while to combine it, and this trip would be just the setting to try. I layed down a very small amount on a tiny mirror I have. I have no clue how much, but most likely around 30-50 mg. This was well before tolerance and all those things; so the effects hit me fast and hard. The first thing I noticed what that fysical laws of nature were gone. Nothing made sense. Distance was extremely relative and kept changing constantly. I also felt sedated and less aware of my body and the typical phyiscal ketamine effects (I like them a lot personally). The second thing I noticed, after the relativety of distance, was the taste of the drip. This was well before I started liking the taste of ketamine (yes, I like it now) so I said in a loud voice ‘ew, gross’, and some stranger said ‘well that isn’t a very friendly commend’, so I replied ‘ketamine drip’, and that persons face turned understanding and said ‘ooh, ok, then its ok.’.

After a while the chill out where I had taken the ketamine seemed less ideal, and a bit boring, so I decided I had to go dance. Ri joined me on the dance floor and I took some ketamine of my key (I later weighted this amount, my key holds 30-60 mg of ketamine), I think I took this amount 3 or 4 times within 10 minutes without paying much attention and what happened was completely amazing. First of all ‘standing’ and ‘dancing’ became increasingly difficult. Distances turned even more insane and people would completely change location and shift, the world was litteraly spinning around me, nothing made sense and remained on its place, above was no longer above and left certainly wasn’t left anymore.

If I’d come too close to Ri’s head it’d melt in to mine, and thanks the LSD still being visually very active his head would split in two and half of it would attach itself to my head. If I stepped back his head would shift back to the normal place. Reality would rimple like it was the survace of water, or everything was painted on a sheet. Distance and movement were completely un-understandable, but somehow I was still dancing. We went outside after about 30 minutes, I assume, and someone else wanted ketamine. Seeing as the intensity went down a little bit I decided to take some more and there was someone else who wanted some so I shared.

The moment that extra bit hit me everything started to wave and rimple again and my arms seemed to stretch into infinity if I’d put them to the sides. Then if I’d look down it would feel as if I folded double. When we were walking and I looked down I saw 6 pair of legs and had a hard time making out which were mine, I finally recognized my outfit and decided the ones somewhere in the middle must be mine. Walking did become really heavy and difficult now so I figured sitting down was probably a little safer. I did feel very good, mentally and physically, just a bit too sedated to walk.

Mentally I felt very far away from the world. I sat near the fire, where I sat down, for maybe an hour. Still occasionally melting into Ri, which was very pleasant, the world didn’t feel so far away and cold at the times that happened. The ketamine by the way never eliminated the normal colourful LSD visuals, that kept comming up, it just took all laws of nature out of them making them very strange, and very random, and distance, up, down, right, left, movement all very strange and unpredictable. After the ketamine wore off I decided that a 2-3 hour binge was enough, and I usually stop the ketamine because of the cold removed mental feeling; which I like, but after a while feeling alive sounds fun too. After the ketamine wore off the LSD comedown had started (it was 8 in the morning already) and the visuals weren’t as interesting anymore. Much of the same, but just less intense, so I’ll leave the report at this.

Summary:

Now one year later, 12 trips further, of which 11 also had the LSD + nitrous combination and at least 8 also contained ketamine moments I can say this was a pioneer trip for me; it showed me new combinations and the beauty and intensity that comes with combining psychedelics with dissociatives. Nitrous has lost its fun and innosence since this day for me, but ketamine is still as fun as it always was. I’ll see if I can be bothered to translate more reports, as this was the first of many times of a combination I really grew to love.

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 84139

Gender: Female

Age at time of experience: 18

Published: Dec 9, 2010	Views: 18,403

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LSD (2), Nitrous Oxide (40), Ketamine (31) : Combinations (3), Rave / Dance Event (18)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 3 hits

		 LSD

		   T+ 3:00
		 1 hit
		 smoked
		 Salvia divinorum
		 (leaves)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   150 lb

This was the most intense and the best acid trip I've ever had, and I'd tell you all about it, but there are plenty of trip reports based on LSD alone, so I'll just write the pertinant information- the trip after I smoked Salvia divinorum.

I took three hits of LSD (my friend had done the same earlier in the day) and had a wonderful experience while peaking. However, about 3 hours into the trip, the peak ended, and I was very disappointed. The intense visuals had entirely disappeared. My friend told me to smoke marijuana to get them back, but I had a drug test in 3 days so that wasn't an option. Instead, I went to my car and pulled out a bag of natural strength salvia divinorum (usually way too weak to smoke by itself) and brought it inside.

We turned off the lights, the only illumination left was coming off the computer screen and a static tv. Some really terrible rap music was playing, I like hippie music, so this didn’t thrill me. My friend (who was more sober at this point) packed some salvia into a bowl of a sophisticated bong (diffuser stems, all kinds of crap) and lit up. I remember being fascinated by the strange, green smoke that was filling up the chamber. He took a HUGE hit and immediately began coughing terribly. He vomited into a garbage can and said, “That was the weirdest puke I’ve ever taken” (for this kid, that’s saying something) and added, “Smoke this shit if you want to, I’m sticking to pot.” He packed a bowl of salvia for me, and helped me work the bong, since he’s a much more experienced smoker. I took just one hit of this natural strength salvia, enough that it was a little uncomfortable, and held it for as long as I could…

I was laughing, uncontrollably and for no reason. My friend was laughing too. I just stared into his face, and he stared back, with a strange glow around his face and pitch darkness everywhere else. Suddenly it wasn’t a face anymore- just a personality, a spirit- the only physical manifestation he had was a devious smile and yellow eyes, think Cheshire Cat. Things became extremely abstract- everything in the universe disappeared except for our roaring laughter, my mind, my friend’s personality, and a frightening droning in the background.

Things flickered- some memories flashed by, though I can’t remember details at all, and it seemed only to last for milliseconds. Now I was really scared. I was stuck. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t stop laughing. My friend’s face was becoming more and more evil. I felt like my consciousness was being shot back and forth between my mind and the location of my friend’s personality at light speed. It seemed this loop had lasted for years… When would it end? I was sure I was stuck in this perpetual nightmare fore eternity…

I used all my willpower and shook myself out of the trance. The room came back, and it was hard to tear my gaze from my friends face, which had normalized, somewhat. The terrible rap music was still playing. “Holy shit” I muttered. “I almost got stuck in a loop forever.”

“How?” my friend asked. I tried to explain it, but it was just impossible.

“Do you remember all of that?” I asked.

“Remember what?” he replied.

“All of what just happened… Holy shit, I can’t believe I came out of that. What happened?”

“You just kind of stared at me, and kept laughing, and then you…”

But I couldn’t hear him anymore. I was petrified. The music was terrible, it had to stop.

“Stop it, man. Turn off the music. Turn it off! The trip’s getting bad, it’s getting real bad…” The music stopped, but it just made things worse. The entire universe was immersed in a petrifying silence. He went and turned on the lights. There were terrible, intense hallucinations in my peripheral vision. I was really scared, scared that I’d never return to reality. I started thinking about my uncle, who was schizophrenic, about all the psychedelics I’d done and how stupid I was for pushing it…

The room flashed into hell. My friend had an expression of torment on his face, he was preying on my agony. Flames were licking his eyes. He started to say something to me, something terrible… I couldn’t control any part of the trip, and nothing seemed to resemble reality at all. I told myself I was hallucinating, I knew my best friend could not possibly be evil… I used all my energy and willpower to shake away the setting, to imagine my friend as he really was.

The room came back, but it still had frightening aspects. “I’m scared,” I kept saying. “I’m questioning my sanity. Logan, Logan come here I need you!” And my friend ran to help me. My peripheral vision was the worst of everything- it seemed like I had a permanent frame around my eyes. I go scared I’d see that way forever. I couldn’t tell what was part of my body- It seemed like dressers, blankets, everything was part of me somehow. When I moved my arm it pixilated- little bits of matter just floated in space. I started thinking that the molecular structure of the universe was crumbling… It seemed like every bit of matter was somehow physically a part of me. I hated it. I kept questioning my sanity, wondering if I’d ever perceive things the same way again…

More people came into the room, since I was making such a scene. “This is a bad trip, man. This is really bad… I gotta fix it.” All three trip sitters were really nice, but all three of them were on something, so I couldn’t tell what was part of reality and what wasn’t. I tried to calm myself down, I had become the feeling of panic. They told me the first step was to just chill, so I lay down. They put a blanket over me, and I just hated that sensation. I threw it off. I kept telling myself that the salvia trip was over, it only lasts a few minutes, I was fine… But I wasn’t fine. I was sure the drugs were no longer affecting me and I was in a psychosis, but I kept telling myself it wasn’t true.

“What’s making the trip bad?” They asked me. It was hard for me to put it in words. “It needs to be happy… The trip’s not happy, its terrified… I keep getting stuck in loops man, so many loops…” and my mind was flooded with paradoxical things. The oroborous (a snake eating its own tail), the existence of God, molecular structure… I kept praying, praying over and over and asking God to forgive me for tampering with my mind. I then noticed that they were doing things to try and make me happier.

“This is a really happy bag,” one kid said. “This is the happiest bag I’ve ever seen.” I looked into it and it was filled with candy, toys, colors, everything a 3 year old kid would be enthralled with. But I didn’t like it, there was something wrong with it. Then he held up a soft bear. “This is the softest thing I’ve ever felt. Look how amazing this guy is. Wouldn’t it be awesome if these things were real and our size? And they’d just walk around and smoke pot with us?” But I didn’t like that either. Their pet black cat came in and I started petting it, talking to it, trying anything to calm down.

“Funyun?” one friend kept saying. Any time I looked at him, that’s all he would say. I was sure I was stuck in a loop of the past, like when a record gets stuck and repeats over and over… Another kid was drawing on the wall. He was stoned out of his mind, and any time I looked at him I was reminded of a mental institution. He kept saying the same things, looking at me with the same disturbing smile. All these loops… Everything was repeating itself, and I hated it.

I looked to my best friend, Logan, and any time I looked at him floods of memories and emotions would rush passed my eyes, and I suddenly knew that I could never trip with him again, because we had existed together on so many levels, and that was part of what was triggering this psychotic reaction. Any time I asked Logan a question, he would just repeat it, in a different tone. All he seemed to do was echo me. Any time I wanted some sense of direction or a glimpse of reality he would just lead me in circles.

“Are you hungry?” Logan asked, and I said yes, anything that might help me grip reality. He brought me a microwaved burrito. It was really strange eating it- it was half warm and half cold, and very spicy. My body just felt weirder after that. “I’m questioning my sanity.” I repeated. “Am I stuck this way?”

“No,” Logan replied. “No, look at me. You’re not crazy. I’ve seen crazy people. You’re talking completely normal. This happens to everybody. You’ve been tripping only 4 hours and this stuff lasts about 12… You just weren’t expecting the salvia reaction.”

But no matter how much he told me, deep down, I just couldn’t believe him. He recommended we go outside, but the darkness just made things worse. I still had frightening things going on in my peripheral vision, and I still couldn’t grasp the concept of matter and what was my actual physical property. I hated salvia- I hated it so much. I thought maybe if I destroyed it it would end the trip… I started talking about how evil it was, how it was of the devil. I told myself I’d never have to take acid again, even though I loved it, because I didn’t want to end up this way again, not even for an instant. I definitely would never smoke salvia again, it was something man was not supposed to play with.

It seemed like hours since I had smoked the salvia. I was sure this bad trip would have ended by now. I told Logan, I told him we had to end the trip now. “Do you want some downers?” he asked. But I couldn’t, I had a drug test coming up. “We’ll just give you a sleeping pill. It won’t show up. It’s lunesta or something.” Suddenly I was very relieved. I would just go to sleep and wake up in the morning completely sane. Suddenly my entire existence was dependent on that one sleeping pill.

I tried to be patient, but when my friends still hadn’t given me one I got really panicky. I almost started crying. He told me they belonged to his mom, and he couldn’t just tell her that his friend was freaking out and needed to be pacified. Tears were in my eyes. “Please,” I begged, “It’s really important.” He tried again, but in vain. I accepted that I wasn’t going to get one. I was still very unhappy and scared, and this was obvious.

“Wanna play Mario?” Logan asked. “That’s happy.” I told him sure, anything. But it wouldn’t work, so he put in Mega Man instead. This was a SNES, and with my whole difficulty with matter at the time it was near impossible to differentiate myself from the controller from the game and everything just sort of blended into one environment. I kept dying, but was always relieved when I could just play the level again. I got a little less scared. But then the loops started again. I kept fighting the same robots. I kept playing the same sequence over and over. Was I psychotic? “Didn’t I just fight this guy?” I asked. “Didn’t I do this already?” But nobody answered, there was no help in sight.

“I need to be grounded.” I said. “I just want to be grounded and to know what’s real.” I wished for dinner with my parents. I wished for times I played with my sister as a kid. I wished for watching the History Channel and for school and wished for anything that was routine and I knew was real.

I handed off the controller to somebody else. Logan offered me a Mountain Dew. I said sure, and decided to use this as a placebo. “If you could just pass that over here,” I said, “and allow the good tripping to begin.” Logan laughed. Anything weird that happened I just dismissed, I just told myself it was the drugs and I’d come out of it eventually. After a while, the scary peripheral hallucinations stopped completely. I felt more and more normal. But any time I thought back and tried to review the events that had taken place, I’d get confused and toss myself into a bad trip again. With my willpower and with time I floated back to reality, and started making rational decisions again. I managed to fall asleep, and when I woke up I felt like I was glowing, but was indeed completely sane.

This entire salvia experience lasted only about a half hour, my friends say. It seemed an eternity to me. Unless I feel like going into psychosis or astral exile, I won’t smoke salvia while acid tripping ever again. If I had done it while peaking, I think I’d be in a mental institution right now. I’m glad I did smoke the salvia, because it taught me a lot and certainly defined the trip, but I definitely wouldn’t do it again.

Exp Year: 2007	ExpID: 66148

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Dec 29, 2010	Views: 21,980

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LSD (2), Salvia divinorum (44) : Combinations (3), Bad Trips (6), Relationships (44), Small Group (2-9) (17)


		 DOSE:

		   repeated
		 smoked
		 Cannabis
		 (plant material)

		 3 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   150 lb

So a few months ago, I went to P-town (A city about 45 minutes from where I live) to visit an old friend (J). I went with my friend (C) who I never really felt completely comfortable with but am in complete denial of (mistake 1). I don't know why. Anyway we were staying with her dad.

One of the nights, me, C, &amp; J got way drunk. The next morning we all woke up completely hung over (mistake 2). We decided to go into town after moping around C's dad's house. We went to J's place because he had a few errands to run. That's where I met J's friend A. I have social anxiety so I wasn't feeling very comfortable with A, but I was trying my hardest to! Making small talk and whatnot.. But I was too hung-over to concentrate on anything. I don’t think C liked A very much.

Once J was done, we went to a secluded area and smoked some pot. I don’t know how much, probably like 6-7 bowls. This was about normal for me. Then we each got a little blotter piece with 3 hits of good LSD on it. I tricked myself into thinking 'oh what the hay, I’ll be fine” So I made the call, and put the piece of paper under my tongue, and we left. (Biggest mistake.)

When we left, I was still feeling pretty normal (well normal as I get..) But soon, A kept trying to talk to me and C but C wasn't talking at all and I felt a huge social indifference and couldn't really handle it so I just ended up not talking too. A didn't understand why me and C weren't talking to him. I think he took it offensively but I meant no harm, I'm just shy and scared of being social and what others are thinking. So him being frustrating by us made me feel even worse. I tried speaking a few times but just couldn’t do it. So I stared at the trees and focused on how pretty nature is, the whole time. While J listened to music on mini loud speakers.. I tried catching up with him to listen to music, but felt bad about leaving C back with A. So I really didn’t know what to do! So I just walked alone.

Well we walked for a good 20-30 before we got to the bus to take us to our destination. The bus ride was about 10 minutes. We got to our destination which was a secluded park where all the stoners sit and toke up. When we got there, there were 2 other people already sitting under a tree, tripping on acid. So we all just sat in a circle. By that time, I was starting to feel it. But I was scared from feeling social contractions, and anxieties. I wanted to be alone. I got really cold, and decided to just look at the sky. The clouds starting to turn into animals and looked fuzzy. That made me happier, but being cold distracted me. The sun was going away.

I remember sitting up and my phone ringing, it was my cousin (also my best friend). That made me smile, so I picked up. She was drunk, and walking back home. She said she was really scared because she was really intoxicated and had to face my uncle. I told her I was tripping and that everything was going to be okay but it really freaked me out. Once I hung up my mom called. I got really scared but calmed myself down quickly. I remember I didn’t feel very comfortable. Not comfortable at all, actually. And everyone could tell. Which made me feel worse. I remember C was like “Emily you look like you’re mom” which REALLY tripped me out. My mom has schizophrenia, and depression, and a bunch of other shit. I never want to be like her.  You’d know what I’m talking about if you knew me.

So J &amp; A were trying to calm me down, the other people had left and that made me feel better. I was shivering cold, and kept complaining about it. So we all huddled together in a little tiny circle, with all of our knee’s touching, around all of J’s stuff. I don’t remember if I wanted them to do that or something. They kept trying to get me to focus on things. But the only thing I could focus on was myself. Then the strong visuals came in and I went in and out of feeling really good to feeling horrible.

I felt like the four of us created a house. A house with warmth. Then these two other people showed up and wanted to sit and smoke some bowls with us. So I had to move to let them in our house. That upsetted me. I was the door, and I was letting all the warmth out for these strangers. They had big ugly scary faces and for some reason I just did not like them. We started smoking bowls and all I remember was people kept telling me to pass the pipe, because I kept forgetting I had it. And C was doing the same thing which lead into this weird mind connection thing with her. After those people left, a bunch of new people showed up. I didn’t like that either! Everyone that formed my little “house” were all cartoons. And all those other people that showed up were all normal looking. I couldn’t focus on them at all.

Then I went through this trip inside my head. I couldn’t focus on anything going on outside of my head.  I went through my whole life inside my head, and felt as if I was “cursed” with something. My trip was my whole entire life and throughout my whole entire life I was not able to speak ever again. I was stuck in my head for eternity, and at the end of my life I was allowed to SCREAM finally. So, while I thought I wasn’t talking apparently I was repeating things like “hello? Hello? Hello?” A lot of desperate hellos. And “Is anybody there? Where are you? I am an elbow.” And then a lot of more hellos. Weird things like that.

Then.. I don’t know how long it had been, I don’t know what I did throughout that whole time but suddenly I came into consciousness again, while we were walking down a path and I apparently just screamed. Then said “I’m done! It’s over I’m done!” Then stopped talking again. I was a ghost. That’s when I had an out of body experience. I remember watching myself and everyone walk down this path and I kept telling myself to go back because I had left my sanity at the park in a box! But I just kept walking, I was dead and could not do anything about it. I wanted to go back so badly, and go receive it. Then I came to acceptance that I had lost my sanity and will never have it back.

Suddenly I awoke, not knowing where I was or anything that had happened besides what had happened in my head. We were at a playground, and I was sitting alone while everyone else was playing on stuff and having fun. I sat there for a long time contemplating if I was dead or not. Until somebody talked to me. I was hesitant to answer because I didn’t know if I was imagining them or not.

Then we left to go get on the bus. While we were waiting for the bus, and everyone else already came out of their trip completely, everything still looked like a painting. A tried talking to me again, tried talking to me about a lot of things but I still was completely unresponsive. All I would say was “..yeah” and couldn’t concentrate on anything he was saying. It probably looked like I didn’t care. Me and C got on the bus and I remember looking at her and she still looked like a cartoon. That scared me. We got back to her dad’s house and I didn’t know what to do. I sat in bed and couldn’t sleep all night. Got up, and felt like I was on crack. I was scared and nothing felt normal. Everything felt weird in a bad way.

Everything has felt weird in a bad way ever since, and I completely regret doing that.

I’m severely depressed ever since. Everything has gotten so much worse. I isolate myself in my room. My whole personality reflects my trip. J &amp; A don’t talk to me anymore, I don’t even know how they feel about me. I don’t talk very much anymore. I feel unable to communicate a lot. It’s hard for me to feel relaxed. I can’t smoke pot any more, I feel completely and utterly psychotic when I do. I can’t get comfortable and everything I do feels extremely weird and I can’t describe it. I get anxieties and shake and feel nauseous. I pretty much fucked myself up.

Exp Year: 2007	ExpID: 65728

Gender: Female

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Jan 1, 2011	Views: 40,316

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LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Bad Trips (6), Post Trip Problems (8), Health Problems (27)


		 DOSE:

		 200 ug
		 oral
		 LSD

		 4 hits
		 smoked
		 Cannabis - Hash

		 2 lines
		 insufflated
		 Ketamine
		 (powder / crystals)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   49 kg

Time: August 2010

Location: Boom Festival, Idanha-A-Nova, Portugal (a large, 20.000-person, psy trance festival at a lake in Portugal)

Substances taken: 4 hits of LSD, good for 200 ug, some ketamine (racemic) and Portugese hash (LSD was mine and had been previously tested at a lab and these hits were confirmed to contain 50 ug of LSD each, there are labs that test your drugs in the Netherlands and they test for substance, purity and dose, so I am 100% sure that I took 200 ug of actual LSD).

Who am I: a 20 year old female, this was my 37th experience on LSD, maybe 40th or so on ketamine.

My tripping companion: My boyfriend R, who also took 4 hits of LSD.

Boom trip 1, before the experience.

The day was august the 19th and we had arrived at the festival site the day before. The 19th marked the day that the dancefloors would open and it seemed like a good idea to open those festivities in a psychedelic way. We weren’t very familiar with the terrain yet, especially not what it looked like at night, and that contributed to the chaos. We did feel like a beautiful adventure the location seemed to call for it. We had decided on taking the LSD around half past 5 in the evening so that we could still sleep a few hours in the morning as sleeping in late wouldn’t be possible due to the heat. That day itself we had looked around at the terrain and tried to make ourselves comfortable with the surroundings, there was a lot on Boom that we didn’t even know about. Occasionally you have those adventures of which you may doubt ‘am I willing to share this with people’, but, yes, actually I want to write this down. This was probably was one of my most difficult trips, at least the first part, but it also had some of the most euphoric moments. The highs were very high, the deeps very deep where normally my trips are very calm and balanced, although I must add this was the first time I was dumped(!) during a psychedelic experience, so here is a unique memory I would like to share.

Come up:

At lack of a better idea we had taken our LSD in the chill out area, normally I don’t like chill out psy music, but there was shade and I had a good view to all sides, so my opinion mostly consisted of ‘good enough’. The chill out was made out of a ground of blue fabric on which people sat down without shoes, it had ashtrays and in the middle there was this kind of .. river with some beautiful decoration and the DJ was there. We were on the other side of the circle and I was just rolling a joint after taking the LSD. The atmosphere seemed mostly peaceful. The LSD came on rather fast, mountains in the distance started to move and shift and patterns made up out of detailed calm faces showed up on them and the clouds started moving around and changing shape and twisting and shifting into patterns, and not a lot later all of those intricate patterns formed bright rainbow-like colours. The same type of fractal like patterns began pressing in the blue carpet, and because I felt the LSD in every aspect I asked my boyfriend if the black in my eyes was big, and he responded in a surprised way saying he thought LSD made the black in your eyes smaller, which I found very odd since he had been doing LSD with me 17 times before and he knew perfectly well how LSD works on the body as I had told him often enough. So I told him some anecdotes in which eye-black becomes larger and he kept turning it around, then looked at me with a confused face and admitted to just being confused.

I was still staring at him as if my face were to say: ‘how can you be that confused?!’. He then told me he wanted to leave the chill out area, which I found ok as it certainly wasn’t the most beautiful  place on the Boom site and the sun would be setting soon so walking around for a bit sounded like a fun idea too. We first walked from the chill out to some trees that were right next to it and sat down again in the shade. The view was much better. The trees were forming wonderful patterns and I told R how euphoric this place felt, how beautiful everything was and how I didn’t find the coming up part of the trip awkward at all in this location even though I had expected to. R nodded and pointed again to the trees that were really making some beautiful patterns; I saw faces that kept turning into different directions with their eyes closed and a smile on them, and then after that entire human shapes that would shift into the clouds of which the clouds formed new patterns also made up entirely out of fractalized faces. On the other side there was a beautiful warm golden evening sun, and everywhere I saw people walking, they all left very long tracers and trails in bright colours and everyone looked strange but it was all so lovely to look at. We decided to walk a bit further though, close to the water to enjoy the view there.

It was so indescribably and unreal beautiful there, I was looking and on the other side of the lake the mountains changed shape fast, and the golden evening light made beautiful long shadows from the few trees that were on the land and those shadows formed beautiful moving and reshaping colourful patterns as well. If I would look around and tried to focus on people I noticed that even though I was in daylight, because of the visuals, I couldn’t tell with the best attempts what people actually looked like, their outfit and hair would just change in front of my eyes and even the number of people would randomly switch, occasionally patterns turned into people and people into patterns and I had no clue how to ever know which they had been first. The tracers the walking people left would stretch for meters. R was rather silent and just staring, but I didn’t think too  much of it because he is always silent during the come up. I asked him what to do now, since we had completed our goal of ‘walking to the water’. He told me he liked the idea of sitting right next to the lake for a bit, which was still in the bright burning Portugese august sun. I didn’t really like that idea since where we currently were in the long shadows with the golden light and the perfect view seemed like the best place to be at that time. I did want to give R his fun, and he seemed determined so I decided to give him his fun and walk with him. The light wasn’t golden yet there, just plain bright and white and I hid behind my hat. Around us were groups of people who were talking in every possible language about everything. It was interesting to listen, but also here due to the intensity of the trip it was hard to see where they were, with how many they were or what they looked like. The time a day was nearing 8 in the evening and the dancefloors would open soon for the first time at Boom.

R noticed masses of people walking to the dancefloor area direction and I asked him where he wanted to go next. He said something along the lines of that everyone was walking that way and that thus we should too. I had also liked the idea of finding a quiet spot to peak on the LSD, but I felt really good, really zen and I was just plain amazed by the beauty of everything so I found the dancefloor idea equally fun. At the world music dance floor Boom was being opened, there was some sort of odd ceremony with strange sound and fire dancers. It was very atmospheric during the sunset. We walked through the full and moving crowd of people and found a more quiet spot in the back. It was a bit uncomfortable in this busy setting and the ‘music’ was very strange, but it was also interesting, and I was curious so I was content with the situation.

Suddenly R looked at me with fixated eyes and said ‘I’m done’, so I asked ‘With what?” and he said ‘Well, everything’, so I asked ‘What does everything contain’ and he just looked straight ahead of him with fixated eyes for a while, turned to me, and then said very well articulated: ‘We’re through’, so I was like ‘What??!’ and he was like ‘We’re through, we’re no longer together’. To which I replied, very, very surprised, ‘Huh? What? Why??’ after which he said: ‘It has a reason’, so I asked ‘What kind of reason?’ and he didn’t reply, so I just asked ‘Can we be together again now?’ so he looked at me again with a strange serious expression, a bit wild, and said: ‘well what do you think’ so I asked: ‘Is this a joke?’ after which he first seemed to have a faint smile (could’ve been a visual) and then he said ‘Why do you have to be so stubborn’, so I asked him again ‘Well why then?!’ after which he replied: ‘It seemed like everything and everyone has come together here to make me a point...’ and then after a break: ‘And that is that we don’t fit together at all.” To which I replied: ‘But we fit together really well, we like the same music, films, series, think the same of life, we like LSD’ to which he said: ‘Now you’re just grasping to things’, to which I replied, just as surprised as earlier: ‘But why then?!’ and he looked at me with a very serious expression and said: ‘I just feel no love for you anymore’. Not long after that he dropped his bottle of water and walked straight into the dancing mass of people.

I then sat down on the ground, shaking with a very rapid heartbeat while I still heard with reverb going over the dancefloor: “We’re through’ and ‘I just don’t feel any love for you anymore’, while I still heard those sentences I saw everyone’s mouth, on the entire dancefloor, move to those words. I remained sitting on the melting and patterning and shifting floor, with my bottle of water and also R’s bottle, I sat there for about 10 minutes after which I realised R probably wouldn’t come back to that spot, something I had been waiting for earlier, so then I texted my friends V and Hat with the message that R had gone insane and had dumped me. Not a long time after that some people with garbage bags came cleaning the dancefloor and asked me in sign language if they could take the bottle, so I nodded and a few more people took a look at why I was sitting there on the floor, to which I just replied with making a subtle sad face at them, they replied with a subtle sad face back. Not a lot later Hat phoned me back as a response to the text message and I got a chance to talk to a normal sane person about what had just happened.

After getting some compassion and sympathy on the phone I decided to walk away from this place, as it has gotten dark and I had waited long enough for someone who indeed wasn’t coming back. All kinds of thoughts where running through my head, from random to practical, like what I’d do if I’d find R again, whether I should go look for him or not, how the rest of the week would be, whether I would let him in  my tent after this and all kinds of things like that. Meanwhile I was all alone in the dark in the furthest corner of the Boom terrain, in an LSD trip that had just peaked, so I decided to just go wander around for a bit, something that always works well for me. I walked away from the stage sideways where women were doing a firedance on very atmospheric music. I stood under some trees looking at that from the side for a while. The water of the lake was bizarrely beautiful, the visuals had gotten to an eccentric peak and the trip was really rather strong. The whole situation had left me rather confused and I didn’t know what to do. I was all alone. The part of the lakeside where I was at the time was rather rocky, it had piles of large stones and the water had a very deep colour of blue. There was a dense layer of dust over the water disabling me from seeing the other side of the lake, and it was spectacular, even in my mindset, to walk through there.

The stones would switch place, and occasionally the stones would form patterns that looked so much like humans that I actually thought they were groups of people until I came closer and they were just strongly shifting and shape changing piles of rocks. The corner around by the trees the terrain became looser and more gravel then rocks. Now, I know where I was at the time, but back then I actually had no clue. I could just about see where the shining water's edge was and decided that I would follow the edge of the lake to walk back because that would make the chance of getting lost the smallest. Occasionally I’d sit down during the walking, my hands were tingling and looking back I assume I was hyperventilating, something I was not really aware of at the time. I walked on for a bit and was suddenly greeted by three running dogs, which startled me to such a degree I made this strange yell / scream / odd sound out of raw fear that also startled me as I had no clue I could make such a sound. By now the surrealistic atmosphere, while walking alone by the water at night, really started to set in. Occasionally I’d just forget what I was doing in the first place. I felt very primal, like I was going through some sort of primal human state and had been thrown back to my roots with brute force, to primal feelings, it wasn’t unpleasant, but strange.

I started thinking about things randomly, like my cats back home, and I had the feeling that if I would not think of them, they just like R would disappear and because I was walking there alone the association of home felt very warm and comfortable, and for some odd reason I started thinking of my dead kitten Lucy, I  had the feeling that I had to do something to not loose Lucy even though she had been dead for a year and I think maybe I thought of her because only such a terrible memory was strong enough to not throw me with full consciousness to the fact I had just been dumped. I had gotten a bit further, but still had no clue where I actually was. In the distance I saw groups of people walking, very strongly covered with visuals, so they would switch in number, and I felt like some social contact with strangers could do me good, but I was much too shy to actually talk to people in that state, it seemed weird, so I didn’t, which led to me walking up to groups of people, stare at them and walk away again and then do the same thing with other groups of people.

What I wasn’t aware of at the time, but do know now, is that by then I had gotten to the main dancefloor in this dark walk, of which I passed by the back side, and it looked so strange. What I thought I was seeing was a deep misty hole in the ground, out of which thick crowds of people came, with very long, meters long sharp green neon spikes were sticking out of which I had to avoid walking into, so I walked around as if I were to avoid these 5-10 meter long green neon spikes, which must’ve looked really silly. In reality I was just looking at the backside of the dj booth of the dancefloor, which sober isn’t all that weird, but during that trip I didn’t find that out, and I was surprised for a full day by what that actually was that caused me such a bizarre visual. A while further I looked back at it and saw the other side of the dancefloor, which I recognized as one. The music was really good, but I really didn’t feel like dancing at the time so I walked back to the water. There I had sort of lost my breath since looking back I was hyperventilating and I was constantly startled by everything like dogs and cars, so I was completely loaded with my own adrenaline. By the lake it was calm. I sat down on a few rocks where no one else was sitting and eventually I even lay down there, the only thing I was still concentrating on was getting as comfortable as possible.

With my eyes closed the visuals weren’t any less than then the combination of LSD and nitrous oxide with patterns so complex and bright it was nearly shocking, while I had no nitrous oxide on all of Boom. If I looked one way I saw the moving mass of Boom which at the time seemed much like a dark psychedelic carnival and on the other side huge dense patterns in the mist with intensified colours and the dark water would glow up in the most insane patterns. The fog, which was actually dust, was very dense that night and the other side of the lake could not be seen.

It just felt as if I was staring into deep emptiness, the nothingness, with around it thick layers of complicated patterns, and closer by me the shapechanging shifting colour changing rocks that formed the coastal line. At some point I was really only focusing on making myself comfortable, so I lay back with my head into a sharp rock. As you may understand, that wasn’t comfortable, and I got the association that I was laying there dead, with a cracked open skull. This image wasn’t unpleasant or bad, just dead. Like I were dead, but it was fine that way. I would look around from the one to the other side of Boom doubting ‘will I go look for the tent to check on all the stuff’ which seemed like the safe and easy option, or to go look for R in that dark psychedelic carnival. I chose, because I had gotten this far anyway, to go find the tent. The Boom camping site was terribly confusing. It was pitch dark so I didn’t know where I was at all and must’ve walked the wrong way about 15 times. In some magical way I did manage to find the tent which I opened to check if R was there, but he wasn’t.

At that moment desperation kind of set in, I had gotten so far and I hadn’t found R yet, and I had no idea how he was doing (I later found out, a lot more weird and messed up than my story), I decided to walk back to the terrain, but it was very dusty so a lot of people were coughing or wearing caps over their mouth, now I have a history of phobia of contagious disease, so this really gave me a tuberculosis epidemic feeling. I rationally knew this was nonsense, but it felt like that. For about an hour I was just running around, searching in mild panic, I ran over the entire terrain looking for R, Hat phoned me again which felt like a moment of sanity, as soon as I talked to Hat I felt concrete and clear minded, and I was able to tell Hat that I had not found R yet, but that I was looking for him, but that with all the visuals it was already hard to tell which were actually people and which were just visuals of people, let alone which people were R. Having some phone support was nice though, because desperately searching for the person who just dumped you isn’t fun in any way.

After I was searching for longer and longer and walking faster and faster and still had no trail of R it got more annoying too. The visuals were still at peak so they made searching practically impossible, and trying to understand where I even was was quite a challenge on its own. I remember on awful moment walking through an area called the Drop which has workshops and things like that, and I was looking for R and I heard loudly through the speakers this woman giving a workshop saying: “You’ve now been paired up, now look your partner in the eyes, person B, and listen, just listen, then I want the A people to speak about .. what it.. etc.” and I was brutally reminded of the fact I was all by myself in a foreign country at a festival, I had no boyfriend and no tripping buddy.

After more then half an hour of panicked running around my phone finally rang, and it was R, who had another lack of sense when he baly chose the words ‘come to the tent, we need to talk’. Which was both a huge relief and also scary, because until two and a half hours ago I had no idea that there would even be anything to talk about. Oh well, I ran to the tent fast, which this time was difficult, but quicker found and I found R in front of the tent with no shirt and no cap on his head. The first thing he did was hug me, to which I responded with some quiet crying, nothing bad, just that ‘oh-shit-now-my-eyeliner-will-be-on-my-cheeks' teary eyes and R said ‘first of all, we’re not through’, and I had kind of seen that coming. I asked him if I could phone my mother because that idea had slowly creeped in when I was all alone. Luckily she picked up so I briefly told her what happened, and she said that I shouldn’t blame him too much which I experienced as very wise. She was right, being mad would not be useful, fixing things was a better idea. So I swallowed the pain, shock, suprise and frustration and started talking in on R, who had lay himself down on the ground rambling about absolute nonsense.

Over the course of about 20 minutes I explained to him how reality worked again, what made sense and what didn’t, where he was, how things were and he finally came back to earth, not that he had stopped tripping, just that he wasn’t completely delusional anymore. It turned out he had been extremely confused and had thought that he was going to be taken into a tribe of light, and that he had to drop normal life, and also that he had to choose between ending the world and going to the tribe of light, and later that everyone knew the answer except for him, and that he had never tripped that hard and apparently he had asked a lot of random people to decide for him, asked them what he had to do, and there were even a few people willing to send him to Kosmicare, a place at Boom for people who went insane / freaked out on psychedelics. I then explained to him what did not make sense about that, and tried to explain for him how it all happened. R had a very brainless job in daily life with no space for freedom or creative thought and a lot of confrontation with narrow-minded people, to such a degree that the freedom of Boom, combined with all the chaos caused by the large terrain, all strangers speaking all languages had caused his brain to overload.

I later also heard, that he had felt this coming for a few hours, that things were getting too much, but that he was ashamed to admit that even though I had actually suggested to him finding a calm spot to have the peak of the trip. I also in detail explained to him that his place in the universe and later, when he told me days after that he had been scared to admit he found things getting too much that he should just be able to trust me and that if he had listened to his gut and had been honest none of it might have happened. I also explained him that his thoughts were of a megalomanic egocentric and paranoid type and that thinking that you are the one to end the universe means you have gone temporarily bat shit insane.

R had calmed down a bit and I was still a bit aftershocked by all that chaos, so while R was focusing on his interesting hand outside, I crawled into a pitch dark tent to listen to a very strange dark psy track. Plan succeeded, because the track was actually capable of being weirder then everything that had just happened. Not a lot later after that I changed the stuff I was carrying and we went back onto the terrain. R first said he didn’t feel like going back on the terrain, but I talked him down and he started liking the idea. We walked through the water, where the visuals still had free play, back to the dancefloor. It was now around 3 am at night and there was a dj playing dark psy music to prepare the dancefloor for Penta. It was good dark, and the dancefloor wasn’t that full so not much longer then 10 minutes after the chaos we stood there, full of energy, dancing. I told R ‘the start may have been bad, but half of the trip is still to come, so let's enjoy it’, and that happened. After half an hour and 1.5 liters of water later and after dancing our blood hot we decided to sit down for a bit next to the dancefloor, waiting for Penta to start, who would play an hour long live set and I was looking forward to that. I like dark psy, and its rare on Dutch dancefloors.

There it was so peaceful again that I decided I wanted to compensate for the uncomfortable chaos of earlier so I took two good lines of ketamine in the dark, and just when they started to kick in Penta’s live set started, starting with a sample going ‘It begins’ followed by a fast dark beat. We ran back on the dancefloor, crawled in between the people and did not get off until one and a quarter hour later, which was when Penta’s live set ended. I felt occasionally turned sideways around 45 degrees, occasionally going up to switching to a nearly sideways vision and my concept of practical physics like distance and space had completely gone away, this was obviously from the ketamine. Dancing was overly comfortable because my muscles felt really, really loose and it was unimaginably comfortable. At the same time thanks to the LSD I was overflowing with energy so I yelled with enthusiasm to R that this dancefloor owned any dancefloor in my life ever.

The sound was wonderful, the BPM was high, Penta’s live set was soo good that it didn’t feel like I was dancing, but rather like the music was doing that for me. Completely wonderful. By the time Penta’s live set ended the ketamine had also worn off again and due to it getting late we slowly walked back to the tents. Full of feelings of wonder and perfection in our minds we slowly walked back over the terrain, R was normal now, and actually quite fun company, the slow walk back was very dreamy, we pointed out the still-going and beautiful visuals at times, the sky, the surroundings and the general feeling was that of mild euphoria and well being. When back at our tents we met the Israeli people at our tent camp who we briefly told about our experience, they apparantly had taken shrooms on the dancefloor and had ended up rather confused themselves. Not a lot later we got into the tent which was no light to quickly sleep for a few hours.

Looking back and conclusion:

I had never expected to deal that well with being dumped in a trip, but I’m glad I did. Four days after this we took LSD again together, a higher dose to compare for the tolerance but the effects were of similar intensity as this one, the second trip together at Boom was all that the first one was promising to be during the come up, it was beautiful, it was zen, it was fun, amazing visuals, feelings of deep, intense euphoria and wonder, as if Boom by simply being Boom amplified the mindset of LSD to a degree that was just simply wonderful, as if perfection isn’t a perfect enough word to describe it. R did not go insane his second trip at Boom and has done 7 trips on it with me since then and they have all gone fine.

There were no after effects to this experience, to what had happened in the early peak, I loved R less for a few months and I didn’t understand it well, I still don’t, but all the other good things since have made me nearly forget about it, we have talked it through and it's fine now, but I’m pretty sure that the next person who has the guys to dump me in a trip where there are no other friends around can expect a foot in his balls.

Exp Year: 2010	ExpID: 89493

Gender: Female

Age at time of experience: 20

Published: Feb 8, 2011	Views: 13,971

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LSD (2) : Music Discussion (22), Relationships (44), Difficult Experiences (5), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 3 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 1:30
		 2 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 6:00
		 3 hits
		 inhaled
		 Nitrous Oxide
		 (gas)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   175 lb

As far as drug experience goes, extensive, I've tried just about everything and am a frequent user of pot, MDMA, speed, alcohol, and psychedelics. I am not disposed to psychotic or 'bad trips' though I have had a few fleeting episodes of paranoia in which I could not be convinced that the sense of doom was not a real threat, usually associated with bad set &amp; setting combined with stimulants and sleep deprivation.

I have never had what I would call a full on mystical experience before this point, though I have had several strange hypnagogic episodes as a child of what I now believe to be sleep paralysis, where I would feel generally a sense of infinite terror accompanied by such anomalies as a massive expansion of my body to a size beyond all comprehension, becoming so dense and massive that I felt I was becoming too weak to operate my lungs and heart. This seemed to be related to times when my thoughts would sometimes get 'stuck in loops' such as the image of a sphere being alternately engulfed by dark furrowed shadows and then 'purified' into smooth light. The most banal of these was the probably universal phenomenon of 'rising', like a spinning/levitating feeling while laying down, which seemed to be the most surface 'hallucination' of this type. Up until this experience happened, I considered myself agnostic, and would have identified as athiest if it didn't seem like a leap of faith, in short I was proud to consider myself materialist and free of 'illogical' spirituality. Oh, boy would that change.

The setting was an electronic music festival in rural Washington, near Mt. St. Helens, a good 20 years after the eruption. The previous night, I had taken MDMA and smoked marijuana, and was the trip-sitter for a friend who ended up having a rather terrifying LSD experience, although the festival had up to that point still been very fun. Mentally, I came into the experience with a sense of dis-ease that I feel is important - I was unhealthy, philosophically frustrated, and believed myself to be weak-willed due to my percieved inability to quit my then-daily speed habit. I had been reading into the philosophies of AA / NA, and felt that I, as an agnostic, was not disposed to have the kind of ego-shattering 'submission to a higher power' that would allow me to be satisfied with a life without drugs.

These manifested themselves as a strong desire to push the limits, even if the results were to be self-destructive, because I felt that 'rebuilding my personality' was what I needed at the time, I felt prepared to challenge myself with whatever acid could possibly manifest for me. In some sense, I issued an unspoken challenge to God to show me his face. That night, I decided to eat 3 hits of an extremely strong purple blotter and at about t+1:30 when we were still coming up, 2 of a more typical white-on-white blotter that was still pretty strong. Me and my fellow tripper V (same dose) decided not to smoke cannabis, in the hopes that we would remember the insights of the acid better. It was both of our first time going so deep with LSD, though we both had numerous lower-strength trips.

For the first 4-5 hours of the trip it was fun and generally unremarkable - the rainbow melting Persian rug cartoon town feeling of acid that I had come to expect, albiet stronger than usual. If it sounds foolish for me to describe 650 mics of LSD as 'unremarkable in comparison', it is only because the volume at that point was at '3' which the nitrous oxide would turn up to '11'. While we are towards the end of the peak, we hear the 'psshhhtt' of a nitrous oxide tank, each of us buys a balloon that must have held at least 8 'whippits' of nitrous, and we sit down on a couch to blast off to some crunchy-bassed dubstep. I remember a feeling of apprehension, as if I were doing N2O again for the first time. I inhale a quarter to a third of it, and the following is instantaneously my true and only reality as the veil is lifted from this world:

I look to my left, and instead of the other side of a couch, I see a little boy standing in a field in the daytime, as clear as anything, no psychedelic distortions or surreality that would indicate it was anything other than what my eyes were looking at. He is wearing Indian clothing and the thought comes to me 'Oh, I'm in India', and as this simultaneously is reconciled with my knowledge that 'I' am in Washington sitting on a couch, all contradiction and duality becomes nullified as my sense of being a distinct individual is obliterated by this ultramind of infinite consciousness.

This 'boy' was part of a long line of people all over the world, who had ever lived or would ever live, and this line of people culminated into a huge rotating crowded disc of teeming lifeforms that were all moving towards the center. In previous nitrous + psychedelic experiences, I had gotten the deja vu sense that I was viewing a 'prophecy' of an event which was yet to happen, and I knew that THIS was the foretold event. At this center of the 'universal wheel / galaxy' I felt the presence of an 'energy being' who with such profound forgiveness welcomed me weeping ecstatically into its arms, that I knew it must be Christ, and the athiest part of my rational understanding pipes in with 'Ya GOTTA be shitting me?'

With the next 'revolution' of the wheel, however, suddenly &gt;I

I share a look at V, and we mutually decide to 'go back in'. Again, the veil is lifted and I go back to the 'hallway of archetypes', understanding thoroughly that this archetype of infinite love is the one who has the most awareness of true reality, compared to those for 'guilt' and 'fear' for example which seemed to be blinded by this 'true reality' as if in a tunnel, and I could experience those emotions to those fullest extent without this vision becoming dark or intolerable, because I knew that they were fabrications and that true deliverance from suffering was attainable to me at all times through compassion towards others.

If I had been familiar with Buddhist thought at the time, I would have identified this consciousness as the 'Bodhisattva'. The necessity of the existence of negative emotion is justified by a primal 'warning' that I am meddling with forces I do not understand, this is an experience that is only meant to happen to people when they're about to die, and that if I comprehended the full bliss of it, I would be insane forever. Meanwhile, the line of people are still crawling towards the center of this disc, which is the source of the 'sound' and seems to be a disturbing sort of well of cosmic terror, a black hole at the center of this storm of insight. I turn (this all has a sense of passivity to it by the way, as if I am viewing choices which have already been made and not navigating this innerspace by choice) to the line of people with thought of 'I must ignore this warning and help them stop suffering', and balance on the edge of complete surrender of will as I gaze into the abyss, but before the 'tunnel vision of reality' returns as the nitrous wears off.

I take my third hit and am back to the edge of the abyss. This time, I see clearly the source of the sound and what is making this wheel spin, and it is a vast machine powered by human energy, comprised of billions and billions of pipes networked together like an incomprehensibly large maze. Every human being had a 'pipe' in this machine which they entered at birth and were crawling forward through, inside of which they were not aware of anything but the view inside the pipe, which was waking consciouness.

An infinite number of births, entire lives and deaths were occuring; every time the time an individual made a moral decision in their life, the pipe veered (but did not branch) off either towards (good), the outside of the machine, where the pipes started to open out into windows revealing the insight and happiness of the hallway of archetypes, or deeper towards (bad), the increasingly narrower, hotter pipes in the dark gravity-pit of terror. Instruments of torture such as burning hot steam, smashing pistons, saw-blades and whirling blades turned on unknowingly by individuals in adjacent tubes, inflicted suffering on the ignorant, helpless souls, who plunged deeper and deeper until their bodies were liquified, the machine had sapped all of their life-energy, and their consciousness returned to the light around them, reincarnating into a new soul who would crawl into a different pipe, thus I felt the screams of the entire human race as they perpetually commited suicide and then used as fuel within this machine.

I despaired at the existence of such a grim truth which seemed to prove to me that suffering was inescapable and the path of life was predetermined (after all, a machine cannot 'choose' to do anything besides what it is programmed to), and thought to myself, if union with the Bodhisattva-Christ-Consciousness of love was Heaven, this infernal engine must truly be Hell. And the logical-consciousness, the same one that encouraged me to take a closer look at 'Christ', 'says', 'Don't you see, this is the game of society, of desires and expectations, that humans have created for themselves. We built this machine to occupy ourselves because we think something is missing during the times we forget about Universal Consciousness, the solution of dissatisfaction resolves to its own source, and we all got fooled into thinking this game is the True Reality.' I found this insight very funny, because it sounded like something an insane person would think, and when I laughed, it came out as a mechanical creak and puff of steam from the machine, and I re-entered my own tube, where I was sitting on the couch in rural Washington at a music festival next to my friend V with an empty balloon in my hand. ('Guess that's why they call it 'laughing gas'' - V)

I was in on the Cosmic Joke. It was as if I could see the entirety of a massive horizon at the edge of religion and insanity, and the next period of time was spent trying my hardest to capture the insights in words, images and writing in a way that would convey it to other people, because I knew it would revolutionize the worlds of science and religion (this is before I had ever heard of Transpersonal or Integral Psychology) and possibly be the secret to world peace if everyone could understand this truth.

I was so compelled that for the next 8-10 hours I was compelled almost manically as if I had taken speed to try and relate it to the others, who were coming down off their LSD at this point and seemed to have not crossed the 'mystical threshold' (indicating to me that simply combining high dose LSD and N2O is not enough, there is some other aspect required, perhaps involving belief and mental distress). But, with characteristic irony, my memories and recall became glitchy (though, this confirmed since we abstained from cannabis that it's not just the pot that does it) the harder I tried the more it would slip from my grasp. The memory of the experience itself seemed to be like a 'black hole' in my mind where thoughts would go in and come back out garbled, sometimes with a literal pain in my head that would not subside until I distracted myself from deep metaphysical thought, and I was starting to feel exhausted and overwhelmed by the whole situation.

I became frustrated, feared for my sanity, admitted that I had lost 'it' and that drugs were only a glimpse of this true reality, and when I got some time to myself, I began to think about the implications this would have on the rest of my life and wept heavily. In my opinion this was the true moment of 'surrender', and the emotional catharsis that accompanied it was palpable, relief of a huge load I never knew I was carrying. My atheism, my firm conviction in rationalism, my lack of faith in the unknowable was all shattered, and I realized, this was exactly what I had asked for, a peek at the face of God and a chance to rebuild my brain, and opened up a realm to me that I thought I would never understand.

My personality changed after this event - I started to do research on different faiths, found that Buddhism seemed to be most apt for describing my experience (the machine = samsara), and converted to a personal approach to that spiritual path involving meditations and yoga. Additionally, I became very interested in mystical experiences and the occult, and took ideas which I had previously passed off as 'New Age bullshit' with a more open minded light.

I attempted to recreate this experience by combining N2O with psilocybin, lower doses of LSD, 2C-B, and DMT, and while I do believe I looked out the 'windows' at transcendental mystical reality, I was unable to completely 'view reality from the outside'. Rather, the later experiences were like a shadow of the moment of great insight, a pale memory. The flip side of that is whether I decide to go deeper into the black hole, or if I heed the warning for the sake of my sanity. It's been 6 months since the experience, and I still feel I have more information to integrate from last time before I am ready to go that far again.

Exp Year: 2010	ExpID: 88760

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 21

Published: Feb 18, 2011	Views: 23,206

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LSD (2), Nitrous Oxide (40) : Combinations (3), Mystical Experiences (9), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)