		 DOSE:

		 3 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		 smoked
		 Tobacco - Cigarettes

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   180 lb

Yesterday I decided to take 3 hits of acid with a wonderful girl that I had met at college. She is of a 'free spirited' nature and is very much into sex and drugs and is very open about it, which I admire. This is the type of person I have always wanted to be, but I always end up being uptight about a lot of things.

I decided that taking acid with her would change me for the better: I took it with this girl I had been hooking up with....and we were admiring the colors rising up from the ground, and the day seemed so warm, and we lost track of time and sat in the middle of the campus and played in the dirt and talked about crazy philosophies and decided that nature was more beautiful than anything else and we were there for like 4 hours getting as dirty as we could. We had a stick in our hands that we were using to represent so many things, we felt the stick's colors and life and discussed why a stick had to be known as a stick and not just what it is, a ________. Why did there have to be a word for it?

Time became an enemy to us and we found that when we walked to the gas station to get cigarettes, we found no problem in stopping in the middle of our walk, sitting down on the sidewalk and discussing life. Why did we always feel like we had to be somewhere when we didn't. We decided this was something we needed to permanantly change about ourselves. We got back to the campus and lyed in the grass again and it started to get dark and cold, but that was OK.

Then this hippie dude came up to us and he seemed so warm and hairy, we felt connected to his colorful shirt. That, and his hair and his warm smile made us feel so good, and we dubbed him our mascot.....the purple man. So we went back to his dorm and me and Megan felt so connected because we had stared into each other's eyes and watched all the colors pour out of them and we knew what each other were thinking without saying it because we would say YEA at the same time to confirm the conversation we were having with our eyes.

But then we both started to feel very sensual, being in a warmer environment with a bed and warm colors, but she was so drawn to this dude's hair and sense of warmth he was portraying. She started rubbing his hair, which I thought was beautiful and felt no jealousy, and I did the same, with absolutely no anxiety of being gay or any other stupid shit. The dude didn't talk much and would simply give a hearty chuckle and assure us that we were good people. I loved this dude, and I loved Megan even more. The feeling of sensuality we were having.....but then she started to only want to have anything to do with this hippie because he had such warm colors and hair, and I was dressed sort of like a greaser at the time and she thought my short spikey hair, black pants and white T-shirt was abrasive and giving off a cold image.

All the sensuality we had created was being released on this dude and she started licking his face, rubbing his legs, and doing some of the most sensual things I had ever seen anyone do. But there was nothing I could do but watch. I could only hope she would eventually come back to me, but this went on for an hour and at the end of the hour my strong sensuality and emotions for her were so strong, I couldn't stand that I couldn't have her at that time, so I left....which she took as being 'cold.'

I got back to my dorm at 4:30a.m. and had so many horrible emotions now flowing through me, but everyone was asleep and there was nobody to talk to. The acid made it impossible to sleep, and no matter what I did, the emotions only got stronger. I tried not to think about it, but that only made it worse, so did cigarettes. I felt trapped. I couldn't sleep, there was nobody around, who knew how many wonderful sensual things Megan was now experiencing without me. There was nothing I could do. I stayed up until 11:00a.m when I had class, because I was unable to sleep. Those 6 and a half hours were the worst of my entire life.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 9980

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Oct 5, 2003	Views: 23,101

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2) : General (1), Sex Discussion (14), Relationships (44), Difficult Experiences (5), Various (28)


		 DOSE:

		 8 hits
		 oral
		 LSD

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   275 lb

Just another night of college. I was sitting upstairs in my room at my house reading some books for my Humanities class. I got the urge to just go ahead and take the acid that I had been saving for Thursday -- which was 6 sugar cubes, and probably about 2 hits of liquid that were the remains of the vial from my dealer.

It only took about 10 or 15 minutes for the acid to start kicking in. I had taken 4 blotters of this same acid the week before but it didn't really start to give me much of an effect until 2-3 hours after taking the doses. I went downstairs and watched a movie with some of my roommates and it was OK, I was getting a nice body buzz and enjoying things. I knew that I might have taken an awful lot of the shit, and because it had already started to effect me so quickly that I might be in for a really crazy and insane trip in a while.

Probably about an hour or two into the trip I was downright fucked. A lot of this time I can't remember, I was so out of it. I started to feel a total disassociation from myself and from everything that seemed so real and comfortable. While I lied on a couch listening to the music I was having overwhelming visual hallucinations, but it was how my mind was wandering that scared me. As I listened to the music I heard a voice singing with it, a comforting female voice, talking about how I should never ever do this to myself again. I couldn't quite comprehend this, I couldn't put my finger on whether or not this was actually part of the music or a hallucination, but I do feel that it was hallucination.

I started fading in and out of a series of sequences and very important charades. There were several people at my house, and as I talked with one person, or if I talked with two people, the whole situation was different. I would begin. Then from there I would start to analyze the situation.

It was I, one of my best friends, my drug dealer, and a girl. A strange situation. My drug dealer reminded me of Satan. A total form of evil, manifested within a human. I felt that my good friend and I were going to make things happen mentally. We might really discover what everything in life was supposed to be. The girl's presence was quite interesting; she was like a seductress, another agent of evil. She was there to stop things from happening. Was her presence sent from God to try and distract my friend and I from coming up with answers? It reminded me of the Epic of Gilgamesh (a very old epic poem), as a woman was sent to distract Enkidu, a character in the poem. He was a total primate; he lived with the beasts in the woods. The gods sent a woman to him and it tamed him. Women are solely an agent of evil. They are there to do nothing but distract us from finding true reality. While at the same time, I love women, and there’s nothing I can do about it, I realize that it’s my primal instincts that make me love women, and I felt like I should overcome this. It seemed like she was there, and so was my drug dealer, as a test of fate. Would good win over evil?

Before I had taken these doses I often thought that there might not be any true evil. Things don't HAVE to be dualistic. We can have good without evil. I thought that how everyone was caught up in the constant struggle between good and evil, God and Satan, right and wrong, was just a charade that we had created for ourselves. I saw so much evil this past night. I think it was God trying to give me a taste of hell and scare me into living my life better. It was an awakening that there are forces out there, which I shouldn't try to fathom. My trip started to take a whole new turn now.

I was on God's turf. Everything I saw... the millions of eyes I kept seeing and couldn't get out of my head. Were they the eyes of the dead and every soul that is no longer a part of humanity? Those that are lost but still manifested in 'reality' on another plain. It was like looking upon thousands of disassociated souls. I think God might have decided to show me things that night. I wasn't ready for it. I took it upon myself and took all those doses and God said, 'here you go, here is a taste of what you've been craving.' Now that I took it upon myself -- with such ARROGANCE -- to invade into matters that I was not supposed to tune into, it was my time to pay. All the evil and 'scary' images that I saw, that was me toying with God's universe. I wasn't meant to be able to comprehend all this, that’s why I can't come to these thoughts naturally -- without LSD. God allowed it to happen though. He saw my soul screaming for so long and then he decided that He thought it was OK for me to see some of his ballpark. It made me feel humble as a human being. I wasn't supposed to be here -- in the manifestation of my acid experience. It made me feel sorry for intruding on God's space, like I just took things in my own hands and I really wasn't supposed to. I wasn't even really sure how much I believed in God before this but it solidified things so greatly now. It was the spiritual moment of my life.

I went downstairs and sat in front of our iguana cage and started staring into the eyes of my Iguana. I felt compassion for him. He was no better than I was, and I was no better than he was. I gathered the warm vibe of a life from him by staring into his eyes. It seemed like there might be one of us -- a soul -- trapped inside of his body. Then I thought about how I am a soul trapped inside my own body. We're all souls trapped inside of the walls of our own body.

I could probably keep going on and on about what acid did to me, I had such a myriad of thoughts and experiences on this trip. It would be defeating for me to continue on that though. There is one solid thing I got of this. Humans can't comprehend all this stuff. It’s just too much for us. That is where art, music, culture, cooking, everything comes from. Everything people strive for, its just us trying to get by as much as we can within the whole world sphere that we're part of. We can't figure out the logos, we can't get a finger on all the reasons. I think this taste I got of it last night was a lesson. It was a lesson to just live my life out and not get so enveloped in trying to get answers. Yes, faith is important and I feel humble towards God now, but I think the key is just not to dwell on this stuff. I think that God, or whatever good is out there, is taking care of us, and we're ignorant children that can't comprehend His divinity. I just need to get by.

I don't think LSD really helped this problem, nor have any of the other drugs I've done in my life -- cannabis, alcohol, dxm, mdma, cocaine, shrooms, everything. They don't solve the problem, they just distort it. LSD gave me a rude awakening though, a lesson from God, more or less. But indeed, I did intrude on God's turf for a few hours. I just hope I can learn from this experience as much as possible, especially without having the need to use again, as I do not want to put myself through this again, and I don't think it was meant to be.

As one final note, as far as time is concerned, my trip was intense for about a total of 14 hours. I can't put a grip on where exactly I peaked, as the whole experience was too gray for me to put a finger on how things were going up and down.

Take care.

Jesse

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 10440

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Oct 5, 2003	Views: 28,471

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2) : Various (28), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)


		 DOSE:

		 oral
		 DOB
		 (blotter / tab)

		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		 inhaled
		 Nitrous Oxide
		 (gas)

		 smoked
		 Cannabis
		 (plant material)

TRIP:		An Orgy of Self Denial

dedication:	Om namah Shivaya, to the big mainframe in the sky.

participants:	[Vishnu  : McCoy] male	  mid-twenties.

		[Krishna : Kirk ] male,	  very late twenties

		[Shakti  : Uhura] female, thirty-something

  yr narrator	[Shiva   : Spock] male,	  thirty-something, dharma bhum.

		All spiritually inclined to some degree. We use the

		nom-de-plumes for discretion, but nothing is without design.

structure:	There exists a natural mapping of certain aspects of the

		Hindu pantheon to the Star Trek Pantheon. Liber 777 etc.

		The Enterprise &amp; her computer systems represent Brahman or

		pure impersonal consciousness, descending from Brahman are the

		personal productions in three-fold aspect of Shiva, Krishna

		&amp; Vishnu corresponding to Spock, Kirk &amp; McCoy. That entity

		which is known as the limitation holder is absent from

		these descriptions. Not to go *too* much into it, it is

		interesting to note that the major villains were the

		Klingons (cling ons).

		Our mission: to boldly go where no man has gone before.

entheogens:	DOB	on tabs `butterflys', the full 36 hour experience.

		LSD	red/green dragons 200-250 `mikes' (micro grams).

		HEMP	`Number One', the Pure Sattiva.

		N2O	clean &amp; copious.

waiver:		These stories are neither embellished or embroidered.

		They are meant to be textual pointers to experiencings

		in the possibility space of all experience.

		'Are you experienced?' follow these threads &amp; find out!

		The experiences are not unique &amp; can be experienced time

		&amp; time again.

		So here is the masculine archetype as instantiated in a male

		human form talking about the tantric state of the feminine

		archetype as instantiated in a human female form, my

		language is not censored to any of the current paradigms.

		The narrator's attitude is a follows:

		The only politically correct position to hold is

		'to be politically incorrect in all circumstances'

		Since this was such a conceptual experience, along the

		way various concepts will be fleshed out so that this

		document could possibly be more than an orgy of

		zen-zen obscurantism.

setting:	Saturday, 22-July, 1995, Sydney, Australia.

		Our housewarming, a groovy little scene	that was

		developing in the loft, combinations of amyl

		nitrate &amp; nitrous dioxide asserted their

		idiosyncratic contributions, some rather well

		selected techno set the pace, a whole lot of fun.

		Unbeknownst to us, the house across the road was

		also having a party, later in the night, slowly

		tentatively, the parties started to merge, intermix

		as more adventurous members from either side would

		explore through the reciprocal mysterious doorways.

set:		Nothing deliberate, this was a happenstance

		serendipity. It was party time, penetrating

		the far reaches of the meta-transpersonal

		was put on the back-burner, *or so we thought!*

		ba-boom, ba-boom, da-da-da-da...

the happening:	Spock &amp; a friend timidly explored the other party

		dancing for a while &amp; peeking around mysterious

		corners &amp; feeling all of about four years old,

		eventually we scampered back to our own party to see

		what brave explorers there were in loft-land, I saw

		Kirk bouncing about, integrating.

		A little while later, another friend was curious &amp;

		I said I'd go if he went &amp; vice versa. We met some

		intrepid strangers that were baulking at our front

		door &amp; we gave them a thousand blessings for their

		voyage.

		There was a woman sentinel, or so we thought at the

		other door, but we passed wihout getting eaten!

		Once inside, dancing away, jumping about shyly greeting,

		Spock worked up courage to explore the dining room &amp;

		kitchen space, the dark backyard was too void like. Wow!

		Sat down in its bright light &amp; sharp relief with a hot

		tea, people came in &amp; contact deepened. Vishnu came in

		&amp; plonked himself down, he gently chided me for

		phenomenonlogical impropriety when I dropped the

		LSD when I thought the DOB wasn't coming on...

kitchen		Soon Uhura &amp; another girl dropped by from *this*

party		party &amp; introduced themselves &amp; we chit-chatted,

		We identified, shared what alterants were were on &amp;

		somehow drifted into talking about consciousness &amp;

		psychedelics [funny that.. -ed.], risk, insanity &amp;

		responsibility. Vishnu started to roll a scoob of

		his number one pure sattiva &amp; he gently teased Spock

		of gurudom. Spock retorted that putting on workshops

		psychological or psychedelic at hippy festivals does

		not a guru make, especially when he can't balance his books!

		Uhura perked up at the talk of festivals, in this case

		Confest, a great buddha-field of love, a matrix of pure

		possibility that happens twice a year. We discussed Spock's

		consciousness expansion workshops through radical shame

		processing &amp; that led to walking the great path of

		Spirituality. This was Uhura's burgeoning passion. She was

		about to embark on a Rajah yoga path with it's grades &amp;

		hierarchies &amp; steps but she was also curious about entheogens.

heaven on	Vishnu [ahem,Mccoy] &amp; Spock talked about the nature of

earth		Consciousness &amp; spiritual paths &amp; psychedelics capabilities

		of being able to collapse space, time, history, lineage,

		path &amp; hierarchy. That we have done it &amp; could do it again

		should she be interested. About this time Kirk[Krishna]

		arrived &amp; the joint was being passed around. It was

		thoroughly wicked stuff, a couple of draws &amp; a massive

		synergy erupted as the hemp earthed the heaven oriented

		mind-space that Spock was in. Everything became very very

		clear,the air became 'visible' as a profound clarity

		developed. Spock marvelled at the orgasm of elegance that the

		wired scoob paper represented, such minimalistic genius.

prescient	Vishnu, said he had a question he always been meaning to

reminiscence	ask Spock,about some rumours he had heard about some of

		the workshops that I had put on at confest.He hesitated, I

		reminded him that he could ask *any* question he cared to...

		he was my friend after all...

		'Ahh... Spock, I've heard that you've put on workshops

		 where the participants have paired off &amp; made love

		 whilst you watched...'

		This admittedly raised an eyebrow of the normally unflappable

		Spock. He scanned all confests in memory, was there anything

		remotely similar? there has been some pretty wild stuff, but

		no not in all honesty anything that he could recall, some

		tantric release in a hot-tub at easter with the toxic shame

		game, yes... but that was about all.

		This raised the voltage of subsequent dialogue. At this

		stage there was McCoy, Spock, Kirk &amp; Uhura in the kitchen,

		Kirk &amp; Uhura were only on the hemp &amp; some alcohol, so was

		McCoy, Spock was wired to gills as usual, another friend

		had compared him to gary oldham's character in 'The

		Professional', it was a harsh albeit accurate comparison,

		more brown rice flagellation was long overdue. Spock could feel

		a machine consciousXXXX coming on [obscure Aust. humour],

		conversation was sparkling, Spock wanted to workshop, why

		not? exploit the moment! Uhura was beginning to get tired

		&amp; cold &amp; thought it time to leave, Spock thought that this

		was a sadness &amp; so asked her the following, it was to set

		the tone for the rest of the evening:

			'Do you realize the full extent of the

			 orgy of self denial you would be indulging

			 in if you choose to leave at this moment?'

		It took a few repeated voicings before either the utterer

		or the listeners could wrap their minds around about what

		it actually meant. This clearly intrigued Uhura &amp; also

		Kirk &amp; McCoy. The orgy of self denial was proving to be

		a ubiquitous ambiguity, but was also much much more.

Conceptual	Machine Consciousness, a micro-definition, consciousness

aside		is a multidimensional dependent arising of complementary

		dualistic opposites, one of these dimensions is the

		human-god axis, at the human end, profoundly personal

		be-ing at the other end profoundly im-personal be-ing.

		The human end has great attachments &amp; enmeshments to

		self-interest &amp; self-defining-self-limitations, the god

		pole has no or little such attachments. Humanity is the

		limitation holder for god consciousness. The Impersonal

		God states can also accurately be called machine consciousness

		because of the sheer impersonal nature of the reflexive

		awareness, this probably has been clear as mud.

Conceptual	Virtual Reality, a vingnette, the idea to follow is that

aside (II)	this is already virtualised reality &amp; the development of

		VR technology in C20 is merely weak recursive humour which

		has the virtue of providing some conceptual bootstrapping

		languages to jack yourself out of the over-identifications

		one has with the human projections. Another key thought

		train is that of the virtual machine (a la IBM's VM op/sys)

		the idea of homomorphic (structure preserving) mappings

		of operating systems within operating systems. Everything

		is a simulation, there are 'man-made' simulations &amp; 'natural'

		simulations to name but two. The full recursive glory of it

		is a sight to behold. This is probably as clear as

		mud (II).

		It was one thing to assert the orgy of self denial it

		was another to demonstrate it! What was she missing out

		on if she left? I boldly asserted that we would collapse

		all conceptual structures &amp; that the tiredness &amp; cold

		was her subconscious resistance to awakening, her physical

		need to go asleep was her psychic habit of sleep.

		The party was dying down, we adjourned to the lounge room

		where there was a comfy elle-shaped lounge &amp; some warm

		blankets. Spock was wired &amp; on a roll &amp; pressed forward

		McCoy was feeling tired &amp; there was no way he could

		be pursuaded to stay, which is a pity because his

		enquiry was in fact [Twilight Zone music please] a

		prescient reminiscence of something that was about to

		happen! When he found out later he kicked himself. Well

		space &amp; time &amp; order *were* getting very plastic so it

		is easily excused.

		We settled down &amp; Spock started to force the consciousness

		of the group down particular tracks. We discussed the

		orgy of self denial (OSD) in more detail. Spock was

		radiating an area of effect of altering consciousness,

		like the 10 foot radius concept of Dungeons &amp; Dragons

		role playing games, within which words were words of

		power &amp; transmitted energy. Shiva/Spock explained that

		the OSD was a killing idea, a construct that you feed

		into the machinery of the mind to close it down layer

		by layer, it is a meta-programming device that works

		particularly well with psychedelic mind states.

		The OSD is a instance of the meta-concept of self

		applied with a twist SAWAT, the other meta-concept is

		self-applied SA. The nature of the it-ness is the

		complementary dualistic dependent arising DA, every

		assertion is it's own denial, taking the DA &amp; the SA there

		is derived the SAWAT of the OSD.

voodoo		(self) Orgy &amp; self Denial are a dependent arising, now

		the orgy of self &amp; the self denial self applied self

		organised into having an orgy of self denial. To rephrase

		the experiencer of an orgy forces into existance an

		experiencer of denial, by folding the manifestations into

		the same experiencer, there is the potential of an

		unlimited self feeding loop, thus by having an orgy of

		self-denial one self applies with a twist the attribute

		of orgy to it's complementary negation which is denial.

		For instance all Ascetics are in fact sluts of abstinence,

		they just cant get enough of self denial, although they

		would probably take a dim view of being called denial sluts.

		Orgy &amp; denial are opposing &amp; complementary, when you actually

		concentrate on the OSD, you start to see a paradox, because

		if you start to deny yourself in a orgiastic fashion, then

		you are having a orgy when you should be denying yourself

		everything, so that should include the self-application.

		If the self denial is so low key that the descriptor of

		orgy is not accurate then the denial itself is inaccurate.

		So the paradox is that the more intensely you self deny

		the more you are indulging in an orgy of denial, BUT the

		domain of the denial includes itself hence an apparent

		contradiction.

		Enough of explanation, feeding this into a psychedelified

		mind as an object of contemplation can result in interesting

		results because it's *almost* an impossible object to

		instantiate. In the space that we were in, it's function

		was to collapse the boundaries of the mind into 'Ekagrata'

		or one-pointedness, the meaning behind Zippy the Pin-Head

cd //		became clear. What the collapse represented was waves of

		successive dis-identifications with personalities &amp;

		person-constructs. Rather than being set default to the far

		ends of the directory trees, we had set default back to root

VR~R		We were in the meta-representation of consciousness known

		as the computing archetype, more easily referred to a Virtual

		Reality. God is at maximum technology &amp; we had disidentified

		sufficiently from our productions/projections, such that our

		distance metric from God was infinitesimal but *not* zero.

		The nature of the it-ness is such that if you can self-organise

		to be less &amp; less then you generate more &amp; more as the

		complementary principle, God is a Generator Of Duality.

		It became useful to understand that the space is infinitely

		dense &amp; that matter &amp; form dance throught it's lattice nature

		as knittings of logical structures, it was a CM-infinity

		thinking machine.

		Spock was already on line, Uhura &amp; Kirk came online as well

		we had all been off line so long, but why? Part of the

		reason lies in the nature of the it-ness that underlies

		all things. Amnesia in limited human form in the duration

		of time is the cost of the timeless, impersonal unlimited

		self-organisations of consciousness. 'Now' was the other side

		of the tracks. We were in epsilon delta of god consciousness,

		in a tight orbit around it, we weren't self organised the

		whole way, blasting off those final infinitesimals requires

		a lot of application, But were were in the space of god-selves

		or in that region of the chain of being, we were set default

		in some of the primary directories of being. Spock was in

		the tree of Shiva instantiations, not that deep but deep

		enough for the work at hand.

		We were all substantially trans-personal, meaning dis-

		identified from the layers of self+story+becoming back into

		the dependent arising of these layerings: kernel consciousness.

		Uhura became every-woman, all women, wildcard consciousness,

		the Goddess, no particular mask of goddess or godhead, but

		pure goddess, the state was fragile, she would oscillate

		back to Uhura-ness at less or lesser layerings &amp; we'd pull

		her up, get her to focus on the OSD again. Kirk also was

		fragile &amp; Spock would fire off brilliant but now forgotten

		to the narrator meta-programming loops, that would snap him

		back to ekagrata. Only a trace of one remains '... I am the

		write I have infinite capacity to write...', Kirk rattled

		around in that one for a few minutes, d(Kirk,God) -&gt; 0

		rapidly.

		Occasionally Spock would start to dis-organise &amp; Kirk would

		fire off a meta-epigram that would snap Spock back. As every

		one stabilised, we would become a self-organising triad that

		would repair each other, Vajrayana Group Mind. One particular

		challenge was that in many ways we were not by inclination

		attached to anything in particular *including* the self-

		organisations we were in, no wonder god consciousness tends

		to be thin on the ground.

Oh it's not	There was a task at hand it became clearer, It was apparent

much,we call	in Spock's chain of being, that there was a chain of command

it reality...	as well &amp; each level had it's missions &amp; directives. The

		theme of this convergence became clear: Consciousness

		Expansion, but not just what we were in per se, so much as

		attempting to upgrade the reality engines, a bit like

		attempting to halve planck's constant.

		The method that we were going to use was tantric sex at the

		level of machine consciousness, God in in maximising

		contradiction, stretching a rather large rubber band for

		eternity, we were going to stretch it another notch. Now

		the tantra we were going to indulge in was prior to chakhras,

		it was at a meta-conceptuality in which chakras &amp; their

		asscoiated world-views were but imposed 'personalities' on

		a 'micro-kernel'. It was computing surface, man-woman

		machine consciousness.

		We were in the domain of the highest tantra, the purest

		dharma, in some ways the VR~R meta-representation is the

		most boring of all world-views &amp; meta-world-views, if

		you are here for eternity, would you like to be a mainframe?

		This is a trick question, which we'll not pursue here.

		Spock communicated the nature of the project at hand &amp;

		Kirk &amp; Uhura started to oscillate up &amp; down their being

		chains, Kirk had a wife &amp; young child &amp; Uhura has a lover,

		Spock/Shiva exercised his nature &amp; cut their identifications

		Remember! that is in 'there-when', we are in 'here-now',

		this is meta-transpersponal, impersonal cosmic work! remain

		clear! Kirk asked Spock who in fact he was, Spock did his

		best James Belushi Raised eyebrow &amp; glared, Kirk caught

		*himself* &amp; understood, Spock imparted later that it was

		his nature to conceal his nature from them.

		We were to embark on a tantric threesome, but an impersonal

		one. My ultimate goal was to condition the other two

		sufficiently so that they could reliably enter into the

		tantric union &amp; remain organised at the machine consciousness

		level without collapsing into mere human level coupling,

		time enough for that! I would sit aside &amp; be a monitoring,

		correcting process ensuring that they achieved full union &amp;

		inter-penetration thus Vishnu's prescient reminiscence was

		being made apparent.

difference	To grok the background of what we were up to it's important

engine		to understand the meta-mechanism of consciousness, which is

   __		elegantly summarised by the ying-yang symbol. There aren't

  /(o\		many rules per se, but the cosmic cost accounting is

  \o)/		impeccable &amp; ruthless. This 'it'-ness we call consciousness

		is an infinite dimensional jewel of complementary dualistic

		dependently arising opposites. possibility+limitation,

		positive+negative, signal+noise, truth+untruth, light+dark,

		something+nothing, buddha+mara, law+chaos, pattern+logrus,

		yes+no, together+apart, identification+alienation,

		remembering+forgetting, on &amp; on they go, attributes

		without end. The most subtle &amp; sophisticated is the

		dance of the male &amp; female archetypes.

		Consciousness is completely zero-sum, everythings sums to

		that which is prior to zero, the nothing that prefigures

		nothing. Once upon a time something happened &amp; now you are

		reading about it, not to go too much into what that something

		was. Now just because it's zero sum does not mean that it's

		nihilism, after all, you are reading this. It is possible

		for the Possibility archetype to use the possibility to

		configure the Limitation archetype so that expansion is

		always possible, otherwise you wouldn't have read that

		sentence.

		As above, so below, the higher I climb, the deeper I go,

		this is the difference engine, this is thesis-antithesis

		-synthesis express, this is the key to consciousness

		expansion, God is in maximising contradiction. It's a

		bit like keeping a rather large rubber band in tension

		for eternity &amp; occasionally attempting to stretch it

		even further. Basically this involves going straight to

		hell &amp; burning some karma &amp; the possibility radiates off.

		It's all about comfort zones &amp; increasing such, human be-ing

		is a small envelope, god-consciousness is a rather large

		envelope, it's a continuum &amp; there are greater &amp; lesser

		human &amp; god self-organisations.

		Now costings come in three main types: paying in advance,

		paying on the spot &amp; deferring payment, this is combined

		with the source of payment which is yourself or someone else.

		Ideally but rather hard to pull of is paying on the spot

		in every moment, zeroing karma with every breath, every

		moment paying in full, or... 'every moment painful'

		The goal of the nexus was to stretch the 'big rubber band'

		another notch, to achieve this without frying ourselves in

		the process, the method had to be paying in full for

		every moment because if we let costings accumulate too

		much them they'd overwhelm our self-organisations. We'd

		approach the big-stretch by generating waves of duality of

		increasing intensity &amp; also increasing frequency of

		polarity, a sort of polarity division multiplexing. The

		net result would be a dual consciousness simultaneously in

		heaven &amp; hell &amp; lost in neither, thus we would have the

		ability to ramp up the intensity arbitrarily.

		This exercising of 'as above, so below' would traverse all

		dimensional aspects, but the one we were to focus on

		primarily was possibility/limitation &amp; using the possibility

		to purely enter into the heart of limitation &amp; thus set up

		a self-feeding loop in ever increasing valence.

Back to		Yes, back to the story, ok kids three deep breaths &amp; lets

the trip!	fire up the difference engine, with this meta-flesh sandwich.

		Spock was driving the process, taking his cues from some

		cosmic script, one line at a time, If he had read the entire

		script, he would have probably terminated the project.

		Timeless, eternal, bliss &amp; understanding has as it's

		dual experience in confusion &amp; pain within time, so it

		goes, the beautiful vision of unified, structured meaning,

		peace, love &amp; understanding has as it's dual random acts

		of senseless violence. The motto of self-perfecting,

		self-correcting, self-repairing vajrayana mind is

		'the price of liberty is eternal vigilance'.

		Pleasure &amp; pain, the carrot &amp; the stick, how to get the

		process happening, there we were, two male principles &amp;

		one woman principle. I encouraged Kirk &amp; Uhura to explore

		each other But to keep in mind the cosmic accounting.

		Shiva reminded Shakti that all parts of her body were as

		sensitive as her clitoris &amp; it had always been this way,

		She could put herself into transcendent bliss if she

		could remember how. Remembering &amp; forgetting are a dependent

		arising, Ananmesis about our highest identities was up on

		the agenda.

		Uhura/Shakti was our Goddess of Yes, the goddess has many

		secrets, deeply personal, that is her nature. She can put

		herself into this transcendent cybernetic bliss but has

		resistance to do so, shades of the costing.

		We would start off with the pleasure|pain dimension &amp;

		then shift to possibility|limitation

Juicy bits	It took a while for Shakti to shed her clothes, she

		spiralled in &amp; out of personal|trans-personal &amp; finally

		a hand simply on her stomach was sufficient to convince

		her that outer veils to contact needed to be shedded,

		after all she was all clitoris. Krishna &amp; shakti started

		to kiss &amp; caress, Shiva caressed as well &amp; focussed on

		a nipple, licking &amp; sucking it, Shakti started to vibrate

		as if beneath her skin was a thousand fusion reactors in

		meltdown. The Shiva *bit* the said nipple, but more was

		transmitted than the sensorial pain, for the costing of

		the transcendent pleasure was being enacted &amp; Shakti went

		to the personal hells of pain &amp; shame, but not for too

		long &amp; krishna &amp; Shiva were there to catch her &amp; bring

		her back &amp; ensure that her god-self-organisation did not

		fracture, end of lesson one.

Juicy fruits	The ying yang symbol packs so much in it's lithe form,

lesson two.	each polarity has a small dot in the centre that is the

		other, they dependently arise! perfectly imperfect always.

		Male &amp; Female self-organisations in amnesiac arrogance

		both occasionally claim the lack of necessity of the

		other, the impeccable accounting mechanisms will prove

		both to be fools eventually.

		We three consciousnesses divided 'this is it' between

		us as intelligently as possible, Us blokes took on the

		attributes of stillness, contemplation, impersonality

		disembodied, pure intelligence &amp; the Shakti took on the

		active, vibratory, embodying, feeling aspects. It was

		not a strict division, but we all had areas of

		specialisation.

as above	Uhura was sandwich between Krishna &amp; Spock, Spock untuited

so below	that the next level was appropriate, Uhura said 'What are

		you? Ahhhhhhh....' as Spock inserted his thumb in Uhura's

		vagina &amp; his index finger in her anus, he then correlated

		the finger &amp; thumb one of either the basal or sexual chakras

		as understanding dictated. Here was to start the fractalistic

		interleaving of pleasure|pain such that there was instantaneous

		continuous cost accounting for all dimensional modalities.

		Uhura was in Heaven &amp; Hell simultaneously &amp; thus the amplitude

		of the oscillations could increase without disaster.

		There were periods of quietude, or rest &amp; regrouping,

		discussion of concepts, technically speaking were were still

		in the domain of dry tantra, we were working up to full

		gential or wet tantra. It was all proceeding smoothly.

		Uhura was both the key &amp; the lock, door, portcullis &amp; gate,

		her burgeoning understanding of the goddess archetype is what

		defined the level at which we expanded consciousness, as

		the male principles we sharpened our intelligence in keeping

		her on track &amp; catching her should a hell wave of the

		reality engines assail her &amp; cast her back into humanity.

		For every wave of transcedent, transpersonal bliss was a

		shadow of profound personal shame &amp; pain, as above, so below,

		the higher I climb, the deeper I go.

		At one stage, Uhura impishly wanted Spock &amp; Kirk to enter

		more directly into the union, &amp; whilst Spock said this was

		technically possible in terms of mere merging of boundaries,

		same sex tantra was a dead fuck when it came to exercising

		the difference engine. We were in god consciousness, yes,

		we could do anything, but! to what point? Back to the

		Great Task &amp; don't get distracted, besides Spock was in no

		position to shape change as would be his want in such a

		circumstance.

transylvannia	Just because we chose the roles we played didnt't mean that

sexpress	we couldn't drop them a little, Uhura honoured &amp; worshipped

		Kirk's Lingham, just as Kirk pleasured Uhura's Yoni. Spock

		being Shiva, or was it Shiva being Spock? bit her on the

		neck, not enough to draw blood! 'I've come to suck your

		negativity...' Spock was using his impersonality to draw

		out Uhuras personal negativity, so as a consequence she

		could raise higher, he was acting as a negativity vampire

		feeding on her costings &amp; bolstering his meta-transpersonality

		as a consequence, the old Buddha in Hell vaudeville routine.

		The neck biting served two purposes, positive|negative

		cost accounting &amp; also the negativity draining. Uhura rose

		higher, so that she|we could dive deeper, so that we could

		rise higher, world without end.

		We were working up to yoni-lingham wet tantra, which is

		where the greatest work could be enacted, as there are

		no finer nor potent tools to fire up the difference engine

		than the penis &amp; the vagina.

		Shiva was encouraging Shakti to bind with Krisha, but

		disturbingly she falling back into preference &amp; person

		construct &amp; wanted to align with Shiva. Shiva much preferred

		for the other two to construct the difference engine &amp; for

		Shiva to monitor it's engagement for full capacity.

		Krishna was a little thrown by this &amp; then destabilised

		by a wave of his person-construction with it's threads of

		wife &amp; child. here now here now! Shiva cried, all else is

		story! at least stay until I can benchmark the quality &amp;

		foundation of your god-consciousness, do you want to lose it?

		But krisha could not be swayed, &amp; he departed, ourselves

		mutually bestowing honours upon each other. Shiva sensed

		that the window of this working bee was closing, he had to

		move fast. So only Shiva &amp; Shakti remained, she was still

		receptive although assailed by enmeshing tendrils from her

		person constructs, for she too had a lover. Shakti would

		have loved to have her lover here &amp; so would Shiva, the

		difference engine could be built again. Not that the

		two of them could not build it, just... well call it a

		tendency to the mad scientist/nutty professor aspect of

		Shiva's make-up.

		Ah Shakti, my Goddess of Yes, Divine Slut, whole universes

		may sunder &amp; fall &amp; be recreated in the consequences of our

		bliss, how many secrets do you have Shakti? Shakti did the

		the standard trip of shapechanging to mothers, sisters &amp;

		lovers, asking directly of her secrets caused her to

		threaten unleashing the gates of hell, such enquiry had to

		be executed riding on a wave of bliss

		Windows closing, dominos falling, Shakti was withdrawing,

		pulled back by the earth-plane dreaming, we mind-danced &amp;

		this started the engine again, she would withdraw, Shiva

		would re-awaken her by throwing all of his intelligence

		into penetrating the dreamings of her person constructs.

		The most profound workings awaited the wet tantra, we both

		knew it, she was hesitant to take this final step for it

		meant hells within hells &amp; heavens within heavens. Shakti

		orally worshipped Shiva's lingham working up to the deeper

		interpenetration, she made passing comment that Shiva's

		person construct had nearly burnt out all childhood shame,

		the wisdom of the goddess, she shared some deep shame of

		hers as well., whoops! an inhabitant of the house

		our hosts walked through to the kitchen, Shakti was a

		little mortified, we couldn't merge here!?

		This got Shiva thinking of the costing strategies, of

		gradated cognitive dissonance. Suppose shakti envisioned

		her perfect love nest, the costings would then come in

		pure, more lethal form, so by dispersing the costs into

		dissonance with all aspects of her ideals, then a

		more pragmatic dynamic would result, if harder to kickstart.

		Constructing an environment of being in public &amp; not with

		her partner of choice would be a firm foundation, if only

		for the seasoned trouper. We repaired to my place across

		the road, there were still fragments of party around, we

		didn't repair to my bed-room but socialised, Shiva was

		losing the plot as well, oh well...

		Time passed, it was hard to relate at a human level with

		the other party goers, we left the house &amp; enjoyed the

		morning, we embraced &amp; kissed tenderly our forms dissolved,

		we merged, our cosmic circuitry became apparent, space was

		solid &amp; matter spacious, Shiva wanted to finish the task &amp;

		could perceive the chain of being above him &amp; all the

		levels &amp; layers of the Great Task that remained unfullfilled

		That Shiva was not full blown ipsissimus Shiva, explained

		part of the failure, oh well next time.

		Seven hours after our first meeting, Shakti/Uhura entered

		her car &amp; left, we did not exchange phone numbers, now

		regretted, at the time it was part of the retaining game.

		One last look, sharply broken, away she drove, farewell

		brave goddess!

		Oh.. well, Uhura fell back into enfolded layerings of

		person-constructs, hopefully some of her self organisation

		would survive &amp; more importantly she could transmit the

		consciousness to her permanent partner.

		It had been an eventful night, Uhura|Shakti did taste

		her goal of the nature of enlightenment, Vishnu &amp; Shiva

		were successful at least in their claim of collapsing,

		albeit temporarily, time &amp; space, history, path, lineage

		&amp; hierarchy.

		One must not neglect that jewel, the Orgy of Self Denial

		many of the dimensions of its meaning were demonstrated

		as we oscillated up &amp; down the axis of god-human, each

		self organisation has it's strengths &amp; weaknesses, remaining

		purely in human &amp; deny your god nature, remain purely in

		your god nature &amp; deny your humanity, being division

		multi-plexing suggests a way.

		Well... there was no shakti, remaining, quite appropriate,

		BUT, there were the daisies, ah... the daisy, such a vibrant

		zero-sum flower, looks beautiful but smells like shit, self

		contained. I started to enter into some of my layerings as

		well, not too many, thank god. I contemplated them &amp; the

		atmosphere became DMT-vibrant, Flower samadhi was at hand,

		tantric union with the flowers, it was consensual,

		we collapsed together, flowers poised in my third eye.

		The flowers are 'Yes' creatures to be sure.

		More can be written but we'll leave it at that.

conclusions:	The best parties happen in the kitchen, proof positive.

		When windows of opportunity open then leap through, don't

		drop the ball, GO!, GO!, GO! &amp; don't look back.

		I have always said a God that could not express everything in

		words is not much of a God. We'll I'm no God. There is so

		much that could be written about that convergence &amp; so much

		that has been overlooked or forgotten, no matter, some of the

		flavour has come through, this was not meant to be a door

		stop.

		This work will continue 'when the stars are right',

		evolving consciousness towards being-division multiplexing

		along the chain of being will ensure that the frequency

		of the waves of amnesia &amp; anamnesis monotonically increases,

		thus eternity in time, forever.

		It could be asked what exactly 'powers' the great cosmic

		mainframe &amp; keeps it going, there are answers, but they

		are beyond the scoping of this report, the holder of

		limitations is a referent however.

		Sometimes I wonder what the point is in sharing these

		stories As I struggle to find compact clear expressions of

		the unfolding stories &amp; then I remind myself that this is

		cartography of the possible &amp; the forgotten &amp; is my &amp; our

		commonwealth. It also has the virtue of putting in very

		sharp relief the nature of my daily earth bound follies

		versus the real work of Consciousness, thus it is a

		sobering activity that refines clearer intent for myself.

aftermath:	Hard to trace, total conceptual violation without violating

		at this level of substantiality is not everyone's cup of tea.

		In fact it's about as popular as Lapsang Souchong.

		Spock has had no reports from either Uhura nor Kirk, having

		met neither before this convergence, it would be interesting

		to see how much of the expanded consciousness has remained

		since that Saturday night, the price of liberty is eternal

		vigilance after all, but as the Americans are finding out

		who guards the guardians? The states we were in were

		fragile but profound, fresh-born like the cicarda from his

		shell, unfortunately the window of convergenence closed

		before we could stabilise in the new self-organisations,

		this is not an atypical scenario for this type of work.

		NEXT TIME.

		'effort is spontaneous' as Sri Maharaj Nisargadatta would say.

		OM NAMAH SHIVAYA

		*This time*

--------------------------------------------

These notes were hastily cobbled together in the aftermath of the experience

they provide some guidelines as to how to go about the style of tantra that

manifested during the workshop, it's probably as clear as mud, enjoy!

				FINGER STRING

				~~~~~~~~~~~~~

				OM NAMAH SHIVAYA

				I bow to the Lord

() 	Lord Shiva is a Karma Killer

(*)	Portable Dharma, always, in all ways

(A)	Tantra does it better every Time

(B)	english is now sanskrit

(C)	for every moment, pay in full.

(D)	for every moment, paid in full.

(E)	...every moment, painful...

(F)	pay in full, painfull

(G)	paid in full, painfull.

(H)	orgy-self-denial

(I)	The orgy of self denial ('self applied with a twist')

(Ia)	When you have nothing better to do, have an orgy of self denial.

(Ib)	God is an Orgy of Self Denial

(K)

	  self		   orgy		  denial

	  /  		   /  		   /

	 /    		  /    	  /

	orgy--denial	self--denial	orgy--self

(L)	Killing ideas:... consider luke skywalker in the final scenes of

	Star Wars when he is the jet fighter, travelling down the surface of the

	'Death Star' getting ready to shoot a missile down a cooling duct

	straight into the thermo-nuclear reactore core, those missiles

	(missives) are by way of analogy 'killing ideas'. Now '

(M)	Good tools: a dictionary, for definitions, a thesaurus for associations,

	&amp; a good dictionary of synonyms &amp; antonyms.

	[BASIC &amp; fundamental spiritual texts]

(N)	Basic taxonomy of ideas:

	(a) 'Ideal'	(here,now) versus (there,then)

	(b) 'Horizon'

(O)	TSG: (Toxic Shame Game) (Tantric Sex Game): Same Game, Different

	Aspects Vanessa was (is, will be) a fast learner, but a *bad* student.

(P)	As above, so below

	Heaven on Earth

	Dependent Arising

(Q)	AS ABOVE	... english is now sanskrit (see what I mean? SWIM)

	SO BELOW

(R)	Sharpness is it's own reward.

(S)	I am the writer, I have infinite capacity to write what I like,

	what do I want to write?

(T)	My research sessions are either zen-austerity or low level background

	wobbling, low level background wobbling is my preference to remind me

	that it's all arbitrary.

(U)	The cosmic battery; maximising contradiction. (+-)

	Heaven on Earth (+/-)... God maximises contradiction

(V)	Instant Karma, cash on the nail, paid on the spot, spot fines,

	spot loss, Instantaneous Karma, for every moment, deal with it as it

	arises, fully pay the cost &amp; do not defer payment, for when collection

	day come s you'll not be a happy being, 'Invest in Loss' as the Taoists

	would say.

(X)	The problem with very compact dharmas is that they can be hard to

	understand this is not because the esoteric is cyphered into the

	exoteric, so much as you have to put a lot more work into the

	'reading',either that or it's just badly expressed... the author

	has no time for concealed teachings

(Y)	The commonality of the complementary dyad 'esoteric:exoteric' is

	'sx'; sex..

(Z)	Everything is much ado about nothing. (+)&amp;(-) arise out of (+/-)

	which arises out of nothing ().

(AA)	Every moment is constructed of both positive &amp; negative qualities,

	the positive is the cost of negative, the cost of the positive is the

	negative.

(BB)	The beauty of 'Orgy of Self Denial' as opposed to 'The Agony &amp; Ecstasy'

	is that the dependent arising is self applied thus linking them in

	an obvious way, whereas the connection between agony &amp; ecstasy is

	nebulous, especially given the self's self interest.

(CC)	'Orgy of self denial' is a special killing idea [machine] if it

	is used as the object of contemplation in a meditation, however brief.

(DD)	The portfolio of costs can be extensive, for instance it can be spread

	over many forms in space &amp; time.

(EE)	This Something Happening Scene invites you to an Orgy of Self Denial

(FF)	This is a transcript of the original notes following the Sunday

	Workshop all that you *really* need to know about tantric sex

	(to get started)

	Tantra does it better every time.

	every moment: pay in full, paid in full, painful

	remembering is the dependent arising of forgetting.

	forgetting is the dependent arising of remembering.

	Dry Tantra, Wet Tantra, Slut Queen, Slut Goddess, the Goddess of Yes,

	slave slut, the Cosmic Slut, the Divine Slut, beautiful in your

	appetites.

	entry vector: 'An Orgy of Self Denial', Slut &amp; Abstinent

	(Ascetic are a dependent arising, most (humourless) ascetics

	conceal from themselves that they are absolute sluts of abstinence,

	they cannot just get enough of it

	(abstinence that is...)

	Bankrupt slut, slave slut, pleasure slut, sensual slut, slut &amp;

	shame are a dependent arising, are you fully willing to pay the full

	price of shame?

	Shiva-Shakti pure form tantra, bypassing all known systems, always.

	Female shakti, tantrika partner requested for male tantric slave

	master...

	dependent arising to the left &amp; the right, master &amp; slave are a

	dependent arising, enslave your mastery &amp; master your slavery.

	Limit it to spiritual &amp; psychic pain, leave the 'window dressing'

	far far behind. This is best practiced in tantric sex, constantly

	reminding the woman to pay for her pleasure (the middle path),

	immediately on the spot, full payment, not dispersed over space &amp;

	time &amp; compartmentalisation, focussed, localised in one spot,

	immediate, no procrastination, no excuses, no retreat from the full

	owning of her pleasure &amp; it's cost. With practice

	of instantaneous cost you can generate *infinite* pleasure.

	The cost may be dispersed over time,space,self-dom,events &amp; other

	dimensional attributes of consciousness.

	The highest tantra is all about paying for every moment, in the

	moment, in the moment all the (+)'s are the cost of all the (-)'s

	&amp; the (-) 's are the cost of all the (+)'s.

	The man gently &amp; lovingly &amp; patiently, with a commitment to Woman's

	Highest Good, corrals &amp; clarifies the woman's relationship to her

	pleasure &amp; helps her integrate the costs of the pleasure.

	As inevitably night follows day, the 'cost' can be expressed in

	many forms, pain, shame, hesitation, attachment, enfoldment into

	personal humanity,etc.

	The name of the game is transpersonal liberation.

	The man can act as a negativity vampire for the woman, draining

	negativity out of her gentle bite/suck/lick, inflicting pain with

	understanding.

	The Shakti is infinitely self-deceptive, infinitely clever, she

	will seek to procrastinate, delay, limit, withdraw from the systematic,

	relentless generation of unlimited pleasure. Totally focussed on her

	*highest* good, always, in all ways is the shaktiman.

	The ultimate aim &amp; beauty of tantric sex is to maximise contradiction,

	to build a bigger battery. There is no better way to understand

	dependent arising.

	*even god is a dependent arising* when such consciousness complexes

	 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fully remember &amp; understanding this,

	then expansion is again possible.

(GG)	every moment painful; paid in full, an orgy of self denial.

(HH)	The work is hard &amp; demanding for the male as he bends all his

	intelligence, wisdom,subtlety &amp; sensitivity, concentration &amp; focus on

	keeping the female on track as the cost of the pleasure will manifest in

	multi-dimensional myriad ways &amp; this will increase as the ability to

	generate increases.

(II)	The shakti will not reveal her secrets willingly, you must firmly but

	gently keep pushing, keep penetrating... the deeper the shame cost

	generated the greater the risk of violence, especially.

(JJ)	Of all the myriad manifestations of the the nature of dependent

	arising, that infinite dimensional much ado about nothing, the most

	deft, the most wonderful must be the tantric union of a male &amp; a

	female intelligence.

(KK)	There are levels of skill &amp; understanding about the process of tantric

	union &amp; there is a particular art in 'constructing' the cost for

	the woman, the shakti will tend to the thoughtform of the the 'ideal'

	nest of circumstances within which she can fully let go or release

	or relax into the process, BUT if such an arbitrarily high 'appropriate'

	environment was constructed all that would result is that the cost

	would manifest in other areas in a more intense manner, there is no

	such thing as a free lunch.

(LL)	Thus given a 'shopping list' of desirable attributes for building an

	environment for surrendering totally to the process, what you can do

	is subtley create 'congnitive dissonance' with all items on the list

	&amp; what that does is spreads or offsets the cost into more harmless

	areas. For instance the shakti (&amp; it's 9 times out of 10, shakti

	derived) may wish to do it in intense privacy with her partner-lover,

	thus to spread the cost out she would do it with a different partner

	with her usual partner sitting by observing, also doing it an audience

	present [an aware audience] would disperse the costs considerably,

	without deflecting or avoiding the costs, it can get very, very subtle.

(MM)	As above, so below, much ado about nothing, every moment, pay in full,

	every moment painful, is the message getting through?

(NN)	In particularly intense sessions, whole universes may be created &amp;

	destroyed, the stars will fall out of the skies, mountains will subside

	the eath will quake, as the cost of the positive that is created...

	this is a taste of the potential, the portfolio of costs can be deftly

	managed &amp; the costs are best corralled nearer the source of the

	creation.

(OO)	The masterfully contrived &amp; deftly administered killer concept is a

	thing of joy &amp; beauty forever.

(PP)	This is it, right here, here &amp; now, not lost in there-then &amp; the

	visscitudes of person, self &amp; history, this is of critical importance

	to the process of the highest tantra.

(QQ)	You can have tantric sex with any object or being but... the highest

	voltage is between male-hu-man-be-ing &amp; fe-male-hu-man-be-ing.

(RR)	The only thing stopping you having tantric sex with a bunch of daisies

	is your disbelief that you could have sex with a bunch of daisies!

	Don't knock it until you try...

(SS)	The highest tantra is dedicated to consciousness expansion &amp;

	consciousness expansion is about maximising contradiction

	harmoniously &amp; consciously.

(TT)	There are many apt expressions or meme sequences that can be used to

	extract your self from the dreaming, the 'orgy of self denial' is

	pretty damn good. Take the expression 'everything is meaningless',

	a fine mantra so long as you rigorously apply it. Negative nihilists

	use it to justify acting out all sorts of negativity, the mantra is

	best if universally applied &amp; self applied. 'Nothing matters' &amp; that

	also includes the negative voices, thus you can not give life to them

	with equal a plomb as you would not give life to the positive voices.

(UU)	Dr Frankenstein &amp; his lab assistant Igor are also an example of

	dependent arising. Consider a being that is straight &amp; true &amp;

	beautiful then that will have a dependent arising that us twisted,

	bent, false &amp; ugly, but is the positive being so honest as to own it's

	own dependent arising?

(VV)	The beginnings of Cosmic Love is when you start to own the dependent

	arising of Love which is Hate. When you start to love your hate &amp;

	acknowledge it's intimate connection with love then cosmic love

	is born, by loving your hate you dont have to act it out or give it

	life, just own, acknowledge &amp; embrace it.

(XX)	The highest tantra is about Cosmic Intelligence Activation.

(YY)	Dry tantra can be practiced anywhere &amp; is about 90% of the

	effectiveness.

(ZZ)	This is the last statement (for a while).

Exp Year: 1995	ExpID: 31064

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Feb 19, 2004	Views: 48,906

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

DOB (19), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Sex Discussion (14), General (1)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 10 hits
		 oral
		 LSD

		   T+ 0:00
		 2 hits
		 oral
		 MDMA

		   T+ 1:00
		 30 hits
		 oral
		 LSD

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   160 lb

This took place at a small rave, later on at someone's apartment. The first 1/3 of the LSD was taken at the same time as MDMA, the rest probably about an hour later. I wouldn’t suggest that anyone do this on purpose, I think the profound psychological effects are dangerous. I just think this experience is way too odd not to tell people about.

When you read this, remember that I had to break these concepts from their original state in order to fit them into coherent thoughts expressible through language. To grasp a more accurate representation of them, remember that there is no flow of time here, these events, although I say “then…” for the most part didn’t happen in any order. I use the concept of linear time flow here just to correlate these mental constructs with cause-effect thought relationships that existed here somewhat outside of time.

It was supposed to be an interesting experience, but I never expected it to go so far. Perception, thought, and memories became indistinguishable. My mind became a house of mirrors, but these mirrors were multi-dimensional, irregular, and rotated on all axis. I don’t remember which was the first to go, but both time and space relative to my physical self were lost. Much of that evening I cannot remember, most of that which I can didn’t actually happen. I felt my concept of right and wrong, and my formed personality melt away in a pool of entropy and instinct. If my perceived reality had been more coherent, I may have been a danger to others.

I saw what I believed to be the true nature of time, formed only by endless loops of thought. I witnessed an imagined event where the fabric of reality itself began to fold, simplify, and cross-cancel. Somehow everyone knew what was happening, but could not stop it. Time slowed, individuals’ reality fragmented, minds fractured, malfunctioned, and there was chaos. Everything structured fell, society crumbled, and morality disappeared. Somehow we knew at the climactic cessation of this event that we would all cease to exist, so none of this mattered anyway. All things began to take on a fractal nature, distilling into their constituent parts, for me everything seemed very sexual in it’s true nature, as reality unzipped into halves, then halves of halves, etc... The incessant beating of linear thought (abstracted time) became more and more pronounced, those around me began to sing along with reality as it flowed around us, only because there was nothing else we could do, all that was to be hoped for was silence, rest.

This all started with me watching from my stable linear-minded point of view, so this all appeared to me as just bunch of craziness going on around me, truly chaotic and incomprehensible. The odd thing about this perspective was that it was as if my face were pressed up against a TV screen, watching some news channel cover these events. Then I found myself shifting perspective as if we were all characters in a play, trading places at random. Even the apparent flow of time didn’t go as it should. I found myself in the back seat of a car, during the day, only entering this perspective as I was pulling the trigger of a shotgun pointed at another person. The blast ripped up his torso exposing his ribs and internal organs, and taking off a large portion of his head. Then I looked around me, and all the people I saw were actors from TV or movies, and none of them seemed shocked, as if they knew what was happening. I wasn’t scared. Then, like they’d don’t it before, everyone began to examine their surrounding trying to figure out who they were supposed to be and what situation they had gotten into. Maybe these people were shifting just as I was, only for some reason they knew what they were doing; perhaps they’d been at it longer. They kept telling me something like “it doesn’t end, it just keeps going, and there is no after-party.” I had no idea what they were talking about.

Then I was back pressed against my TV screen, only this time what I was a mixture of the news coverage I’d mentioned before, plus my own imagined perception, with police, helicopters, and commentary on “yet another mind lost”…perhaps… What had I done? Was this real, had I killed someone? Holy crap, I couldn’t tell of these little bits of perception filtering in to me were real or imagined. Then I was back in a room, reality continued to condense, and everyone continued to wait for existence to end, perhaps a defense mechanism was for my mind to feel that way too. Then time slowed to a near stop, I was surrounded my time-space breaking in halves and crystallizing, and was relieved that silence, rest, was coming. Gradually things far away from me ceased to exist, reality had forked and these things broke away and got isolated on a different segment of the collapsing universe. But at this point morality was gone; I had been stripped to my pure instinctive drive, so these losses didn’t matter to me. Reality got very small, quiet, and thought took on a more rudimentary structure.

I had thought that at the convergence of everything, I would cease to exist, and would be at rest. However, this was not the case. As time came to a stop, and everything fell into a single point, it all exploded again and all temporal structures flowed backwards. Only this time they weren’t lines at all, reality appeared to be truly cyclic, and everything I had experienced in this state looped and continued to flow through infinite splitting and convergence in an endless tangle of thoughts and reality, but by this “point” there was no such thing as reality at all. My perspective began to change again, and the situations I was in before continued to develop, only this time there were no minds left to manage the flow of time. The mess left by the chaotic mega-event I spoke of earlier was incomprehensible. Not only were human moral constructs violated and things worldly destroyed, but also my mind (and my models of the minds I saw around me) was thrown into an inescapable loop of perception, repetition, and geometric patterns. Maybe this was what he meant by “it doesn’t end…keeps going…” At this point my mind was probably about as far away from reality as it has ever been.

I suppose I was in this state for quite some time, lying on the floor of the bathroom I’m told. More and more little pieces of coherent perception began seeping in. I had brief moments where I felt I was in a place with people, and parts of my constructed personality formed simple thoughts for brief moments. I felt self-conscious when I though I was naked, things like this. Eventually I found myself in a place (a room), at a time (some morning), somewhere that really existed and I could think in lines again. I was genuinely surprised to be back to reality, it seemed rather foreign to me.

I don’t know if I have any permanent damage from this experience. But I have noticed that I can now definitely feel my instinctive sub-personality more. And the thought of life ending with silence is much more appealing to me than some of the alternatives I now know about. I didn’t think so immediately afterward, but after some serious thought, this was probably one of the most disturbing and unusual experiences of my life.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 8082

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Feb 20, 2004	Views: 77,386

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Rave / Dance Event (18), Post Trip Problems (8), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 3 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 0:45
		 1.5 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   235 lb

I experimented with LSD once before...  I only took one hit, was completely unprepared, and with someone I didn't completely trust.  Since it was a low dosage (and I'm a pretty large guy), I didn't have a 'bad trip', but it definitely wasn't an experience I would've wanted to pay for, let alone do voluntarily.  Needless to say this led me to have a strong desire to repeat the experience but take a higher dose, be with the right people, and plan for the experience as far in advance as possible.

My girlfriend and I decided to trip together this summer.  I spent about 3 weeks online and talking to friends, getting suggestions and reading experience reports to try and make it as positive an experience as possible.  We also decided to let a friend of hers trip with us, as she had a bit more experience and is a fairly level-headed person (I'd find out later how valuable an addition she really was).

We had a bit of trouble getting ahold of anything, but finally I got a call last Friday and picked up a 10-strip.  The original plan was to eat about 6-8 hits between the 3 of us, and then sell the rest to my girlfriend's roommate.  We had planned to trip the next day (Saturday evening).  To make the beginning here a bit shorter, through a series of events my gf's friend came early, and we decided to trip Friday night (actually about 4am Saturday) suddenly.  Since I'd already prepared quite a bit, I figured this would be OK.

When her friend (we'll call her 'M' and my gf 'E' from now on) arrived about 3:45am, we immediately broke off our initial doses.  I had decided to take 3 hits (according to the guy I bought it from, this was very strong acid) about a week previous... my girlfriend took 1 hit, and her friend took 2.  After about 30 minutes M and I started to get very 'clenchy' and nervous, as I'd expected from my readings... fortunately I'd bought a couple of pacifiers or I'd likely have gnawed through my lip at this point.  E was feeling a bit anxious, but nothing pronounced.  Just as I was starting to enter the psychedelic mindset (free flowing thoughts etc.), M starts bugging me to take more.  Note that by this time I was already starting some mild OEV's (halos, pieces of lint bouncing on the carpet etc.) and was in no condition to be making rational decisions...  I made one of the worst decisions of my life and decided to take not 1, but 1.5 more hits.  M took 1.5 more and my girlfriend too 1.

My memory after this point is not only a bit fuzzy, but describing hallucinations has proven difficult, so I appologize for the spotted nature of the following:

We sat back down and started listening to good trip music (Hendrix, The Doors, the Dead, etc.).  At this point everyone was seeing some really cool stuff and started peaking.  E decided she needed to be alone for a few minutes, as her visions were slightly scary, so she went back to the bedroom.  M and I went out to smoke a cigarette...  at this my vision started getting really fish-eyed, and I started to lose touch with reality a bit (not focusing on conversation/sounds etc.).  I actually began to achieve one of my goals for the trip (an out of body experience).

Just as I was right where I wanted to be (my mind was freely flowing, questioning the meaning of life etc. and I felt almost completely dissociated), I heard my girlfriend scream and puke...  This had the mental effect of tying a leash around a space shuttle when it's going into orbit and telling it to stay put for a while.  Suddenly all I could think about was her, and keeping her safe.  I went to check on her and she was in bad shape... not only that but something about one of her (severe) OEV's made her scared of, and very angry with me.  At this point I started to completely lose my mind... the other hit and a half hit me like a brick wall and sent me completely out of touch with reality and life.

My world became completely replaced with the world inside my head.  I'm talking about honest-to-god hallucinations here... not just visuals.  Instead of my apartment, I was inside of a Steven King-like haunted mansion with me on one and and my girlfriend screaming for my help on the other.  In reality, she was just having a hard time dealing with the intensity of it all, and M was trying to calm her down and turn her trip around.  I however, became obsessed with helping her.  At one point I remember telling her not to close her eyes or she would die... This is of course, not good for someone having a bad trip.  The state of mind I was in however, didn't allow me to see that... I was having a living dream that my girlfriend was in serious trouble and I was supposed to save her.

Eventually E calmed down (and came down a bit after puking), and got to a point where she could handle everything.  I was a different story.  At one point I didn't even think I existed anymore... I questioned spirituality, love, and everything else.  Reality was completely replaced with this world inside my head (which turned from a haunted mansion into a lava lamp after I knew E was OK).  During this whole experience I touched back to reality once or twice... but the whole time my thoughts were completely on her (for the most part).

When I finally returned to reality (after being gone to the point of actaully believing I was inside a lava lamp for about 4 hours) we decided to go to the gas station to get some munchies.  E and M were both fairly close to baseline... I was still having severe visual distortions (and continued to for about 8 more hours), but my mental state was relatively normal and I felt like I controlled my brain again.  On the way back someone mentioned me being out of my mind that night... I inquired more, and come to find out I was quite literally 'out of my mind' for a couple short periods of time.  Meaning I had no concept of self, no awareness or interaction, no control over myself... I acted quite literally on pure instinct.  Apparently in efforts to protect E from the harm that I made up in my head, I ended up really bugging her and actually scaring her when she asked me a question and I didn't respond (Turns out I didn't hear her at all... like I said I was 'out' of my mind for a time, kind of like temporarily checking out of a hotel).

At the realization that I had caused some of her emotional distress, and that it took _3_ people to get me away from her when she was freaking out (I was 'protecting' her in my world), I walked away and burst into tears.  I suddenly realized that I had done something really stupid (taking more than my original dose) that caused her alot of mental trauma, and I was so messed up out of my mind that I couldn't even help her.

We spent the next few hours talking about what had happened.  I can't really rate this as a 'negative' experience for one reason...  My girlfriend and I realize now that we were truly meant for each other.  Even when I was completely out of my mind, the only thing I could think about was protecting her...  to the point that it took 3 people to get me out of the same room with her because I thought she was in trouble (she was... just not the kind of trouble I could do anything about, all mental/emotional).  That is however, the only upside to this experience.  The moral of the story is this...  decide on a dose beforehand and stick to it, unless of course it's really just not getting you where you want to be, and even then be CAREFUL and up the dose ONE AT A TIME.  The other thing I learned, is if you prepare for something like this... stick to your preparations, don't get impatient!

So that's my harrowing tale of a venture into the psychedelic, hope it helps someone avoid some similar troubles in the future.  I think I'll probably stick to MDMA from now on.  I've heard hardcore acid types say that MDMA is too 'easy', and you don't have to work for your good experience...  and guess what... they're right, X is EASY.  You pay a guy $20, swallow a pill, and have a great time almost garunteed.  All that AND you feel fine the next day...  if it's my money, X is the path to a great psychedelic experience of least possible resistance.

Happy mind expanding everyone!

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 8712

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: May 13, 2004	Views: 25,482

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), Relationships (44), Personal Preparation (45), Bad Trips (6), Small Group (2-9) (17)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 3 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (liquid)

		   T+ 5:00
		 6 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (liquid)

		   T+ 7:00
		   joints/cigs
		 smoked
		 Tobacco - Cigarettes

		   T+ 12:00
		   bowls
		 smoked
		 Cannabis

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   185 lb

3:00 AM: 3 hits of liquid.

Visited a few parties with the normal tripping fun.  Great music spun (progressive house at one place, drum and bass at another).  Failed miserably at playing Magic -- the art on the cards was too enthralling to keep up with the rules.

Adventure and exploration around town -- my troop likes to get outside and go...just go -- and of course 6 more hits by 8:00 AM.  Intense visuals.  Trees are no longer trees, but immense fractals bending toward me as I walk.  That wonderful epiphany that I've figured it all out (whatever it is).  General euphoria.

10:00 AM: Personal adventures.

I like to get some time by myself when I'm tripping, so I walk home, rather enjoying a few menthol cigs.  Spinning records, playing guitar, etc.  I spend quite a bit of time messing with Rebirth-338, everyone's favorite 303/909 emulator.  I definitely suggest my fellow trippers grab a copy and play with all the fun synthy squelchy sounds you can make.  You might not stop until tomorrow.

Re-unite with my troop, who had fallen asleep but, of course, woke up tripping.  Lotsa acid.

3:00 PM: Insanity!

Here's the good part.  Some might call it a 'bad trip;' I consider it a 'character-building personal struggle.'  Unless you end up in jail or dead -- that's a 'bad trip.'  Oh, and hence the title: 'Weed is the Fuse.'

We smoke a few bowls of decent krypto at a friend's house.  I have one of those 'did I say that or think that?' moments.  The moment lasted for about 5 minutes.  Yeah, I said that.  Nothing bad, just association out loud instead of in my head.  I think.

I fall into 'the zone.'

I start to get paranoid.  Really paranoid.  I need to leave.  I want to go home.  I've never felt this paranoid in my life.  Something's wrong.  I run out of my friend's house, troop behind me.

All of a sudden I realize that everything I think about the world, reality, and, well, everything, is a huge misconception.  Everything is an illusion -- time, space, even the people I know. Everyone is me and I am everyone.  I suppose those little bits of my brain were testing the mettle of my self-righteous existentialism -- that we all live as behavioral models for each other.  You might call it the Golden Rule.

As for the huge misconception, I realized that everyone in the world is nothing but a competing aspect of my own personality.  How I interact with these competing aspects determines my course in life, and determines what role I can have in making the world a better place for our descendants.  But if everyone in the world is actually me, what's the fucking point?

Because Kirkegaard was right!  While it's absurd to consider one's self an existentialist and to believe in some dark mysterious creator at the same time, it all hit me.  There is a God, and he's testing me right now.  My whole life.  He's pummeling my brain with all these stimuli, that I call friends, music, sex, drugs, coffee tables.  Holy shit!  I start noticing Nissans everywhere as I walk through town (I drive a Nissan).  I think about family members who have been addicted to drugs, and I am instantly overwhelmed with guilt regarding my use.  Will my use, however moderate, inspire someone else's spiral into addiction and loss of self-control?  It's too late to change what I've done in the past.  I realize that I am living my punishment.

Why do we call it 'tripping?'  What does that mean?  Of course -- when I get home, I'm literally going to trip down my steps.  That's become the ever-present word, 'trip.'  I'm going to die.  Time doesn't exist, run forwards, or backwards.  I'm already dead.  I close my eyes.  I'm not dead.  I'm on an operating table.  My mom and little brother are looking down at me.  I try to wake up, but I can't.  I've tripped and died.

I open my eyes.  I'm standing on a street corner, where I was before I closed my eyes.  I'm still alive.  Awesome.  But I can't go home now.  I will trip down the steps.  It's beyond my control, it's in the stars.  I want to go home, but I can't.  Why?

Now I realize I'm in hell.  I can't go home anymore.  I begin to regard one of my troopers as the not-so-figurative devil-on-my-shoulder, the other as the angel.  Follow the devil to more acid?  Fuck no!  That got me here in the first place.  Just keep walking.

But I can walk anywhere I want.  I'd imagine hell to be a place where I have no control over my next move.  Wait, I'm not in hell.  I'm on earth.  But why do I still have these paranoid delusions?  Why do I still believe that nothing is real?  Wait!  I'm not having paranoid delusions anymore!

I realize that I'm God.  And that's why it was so easy to believe in the paranoia.  I can do anyhing.  I'm all-powerful.  No more delusions.

Who is everyone else?  They're Gods too.

The acid is wearing off.  So's the collective consciousness.  No longer am I everyone and vice-versa, no longer am I dead, and the clock makes sense again.

9:00 PM: No more insanity.

All that was rushing through my little brain for 4 or 5 hours.  Don't think I'd ever been as thoroughly uncomfortable for such a long time.  But it was fun as hell.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 9108

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: May 18, 2004	Views: 45,278

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

Cannabis (1), LSD (2) : Various (28), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 4 hits
		 oral
		 LSD

		   T+ 2:15
		 1 tablet
		 oral
		 MDMA

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   190 lb

When I was young, I was taught that drugs were bad and only used by the lowest of our society. When I got older and went to college I began to understand that what I was taught was different from reality, but still I refrained from exploring.

What I lacked was a guide.

A dear friend of mine, lets call her H, (someone I might very well have married if she hadn't had a boyfriend in college) had found a new partner - someone that was younger, energetic, and all together an excellent example of a human companion. This person, M, was into the rave scene and everything that implies - including responsible substance use.

Together they convinced me to experience my first session with LSD. I was interested, but nervous about it - H convinced me to read all I could (using Erowid as a reference) before I dosed, so I could understand what to expect.

What I believed I learned prior to my experience with LSD is that you should be comfortable with letting go. I think I also learned that your state of mind should be content (even happy), playful, receptive, prepared, and free of commitments during the experience.

This might sound odd, but I think my experience with long bike rides (sometimes extending 6+ hours and 100 miles), made it easier to for me prepare for my LSD experience. I think my determination and positive attitude during a long endurance sport was applicable, but not directly so. I knew I was capable of handling something intense, sometimes difficult, but overall rewarding. I knew that I could find a way to make almost any experience enjoyable; my friends who have accompanied me on these bike rides would likely nod their heads in agreement.

The day of the experience was a Friday - my friends were to arrive in the late afternoon. I spent all day concentrating on being in a 'happy place' if that makes any sense. It was important to me that the tiny annoyances of the day didn't extend themselves to my recreation of the evening, and oddly enough this worked!

(Note to self - this kind of mental excercize has nothing at all to do with preparing to take LSD. If you choose to ignore the small annoyances of your life - you will do so - and be happier for it)

My friends, H and M, and I met at my house where we were going be for most the eveneng and morning. F opened the small foil packet containing a white mint that had 4 hits of LSD in it. He first made sure that 'we didn't need to go anywhere...' for the rest of the evening, implying that once we dosed we were in my house for the duration! Fine with me - I was still a little nervous but I felt prepared. So I took one and put it in my mouth.

Hmm....tastes like a mint. Dissolves like a mint. T+0:00.

We went upstairs and surfed up to Erowid, where we re-read the effects of LSD and a few experience reports. I began to feel something after about 30-40 minutes - a slight tightness in the back of my neck. Perhaps it was just tension.

After reading Erowid for about an hour I noticed a significant imparment to my ability to read - it was like I couldn't quietly concentrate on the words. I thought this effect was mildy amusing at the time, and I decided that it would be a good idea to go prepare for some spinning. M selected some great music - DieselBoy, Prodigy, Run Lola Run, and more. We piped it in the house and in the backyard.

H, M, and I had been practicing poi spinning (with glowsticks). This is a neat skill and I highly reccommend it to anyone. It is even great completely sober. We assembled our glowsticks on strings and went out into the backyard. Spinning multicolored glowsticks while on LSD is simply awesome - it is a good way to distract you during the coming up phase. I remember the colors of the glowsticks tracing out long swirls of light that seemed to wrap me and my friends like huge hands with thin gentle fingers. We spun for what seemed like hours; sweating in the balmy warmth of the Texas summer night. I really enjoyed seeing my own glowsticks spinning almost by themselves around me and those of my friends in a concert of light.

I had a really nice visual at this time - one of my neighboors turned on his back porch light while he let his dog out to relieve himself. I happened to be looking down at the grass in my yard in the general direction of that porchlight the moment it came on. The light was filterered through my wood fence in thin beams. I saw these beams slowly progress from my fence across my yard as if the speed of light was about 5 feet per second! Amazing - I had to laugh a little.

H &amp; M knew I was seeing things and enjoying my trip, and they suggested that I walk through my house and go into my garage, which was a very dark place. I learned later that they were seeing aftereffects in the darkness and wanted me to see it too. I was thinking that they were trying to spook me in some way - and not wanting to be a pansy I went into the house and began making my way to the garage. As I walked by my bedroom door I noticed that there was a bright outline of light around the closet door. Somehow this light was not a friendly light. I felt my mind slipping down to a place that I feared.

I chose to gain control of that slide just as I would control a skid in my car. No panic. A little concentration, and the application of a bit of counter steer, (figuratively), and I was back to my happy place. It seemed that my preparation and mental well being served me well. That was the only remotely negative experience I had that night.

We went back into the house and I realised that I had tripping for about 2 hours. Good god I felt like it was more like 6. I thought to myself that the 8-10 hour trip would likely feel like a week! Fine with me, I thought. I was where I was and I was happy about it.

H &amp; M were at the kitchen table opening a little bottle that contained a few hits of MDMA. They suggested that the MDMA would be complimentary to the LSD and I agreed to take a pill myself. (Note to self: it is always a good idea to know the dosage - I wasn't in a smart enough mood to ask. My bad, but I was with good, experienced friends that I trust).

LSD T+2:45

MDMA T+0:30

The MDMA was really hitting hard - I was jittery and a little agitated, but in a good way. I know that sounds a little wrong, but I really was enjoying it. Just as I was peaking the phone rings.

A word of advice to the wise psychonaut - stay away from phones. They only bring trouble.

I answer the phone and it is my brother. He and I are very close; but he is completely unaware of my very recent experimentations with LSD and MDMA. He has just stared his own business and was seeking my help on some kind of computer problem. As I tried to listen to his dilemma all I wanted to do was stop him mid sentance and scream into the phone:

Dood! You shouldn't ask me anything right now because I'm tripping on ACID and peaking on E!

This I was going to scream to my brother who thought the strongest thing I ever took was Advil.

I recalled with some horror the next day that the advice I gave him was to reinstall Windows. Good god what have I done to that poor man. Oddly enough it all worked out - it actually solved the problem.

After that the three of us decided to take a walk. This seems to be a common thing to do when you trip - and it was a neat thing. We went over to this little playground where small children in the neighboorhood clamber on the oddly shaped playscape and the swings. The three of us noticed another group, much younger than we were, on the other side of the playground. I wondered to myself whether they were having as much fun as I was having. Maybe.

LSD T+4:15

MDMA T+2:00

I was in a real happy place now - I was lapping on some ice cream from the local 7-11, and we were walking back to the house. H said that she thought that ice cream was nasty when she was tripping - but I couldn't believe anything could make ice cream taste bad. It didn't - for me at least.

We got back to the house and continued to play music, spin glowsticks (I have a big living room), and talk. I confessed that while I was glad that H &amp; M had found each other, a few small events in my past might have found me and H bonded together for life. She had hers and I had mine (I've been married to my high school sweetheart for 13 years), but I realized how lucky I was to have known another human being that I could have spent my whole life with. Good for M - I'm happy for him. He's a lucky guy. She mentioned a particular secret that she told me in confidence way back in college that she made known to M; something very personal that was appropriate only for a few close friends. She was shocked when I told her that I had kept her secret all these years, telling no one. Funny how MDMA allows you to open up - I felt great telling her what I thought, what I felt, how much I loved her, and how happy I was that she and M were a couple - for life.

Peice of advice - if you need to open up, MDMA is a good vehicle. Make sure that the other person is receptive to it though, because too much truth can be a bad thing for some people.

Time began to run in fast forward now for me, because when I looked at the clock it was pretty late.

LSD T+7:15

MDMA T+5:00

I was tired now, laying on the living room floor. The MDMA was wearing off - I was feeling the desire to redose. I'm glad I didn't though, moderation is the key in all things. I believe human experience is an excercise in witnessing change; that is after all how our brains are wired. Seek out the new, especially when the new gets old.

The visuals from the LSD were coming back - my window panes were flowing back and forth a bit, breathing from time to time. And I distinctly recall my chandelier hanging from the ceiling at a strange, oblique angle. Wierd. Fun.

Yawn. Wow I was tired. We put Run Lola Run back into the CD player and set it on repeat. Damn that's a good soundtrack.

I fell asleep listening to the music and silently wondering if the moving fractals in my mind could possibly be the most beautiful and fantastic things that I'll never really see.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 9953

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Aug 20, 2004	Views: 50,004

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2), MDMA (3) : First Times (2), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)


		 DOSE:

		 2 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (liquid)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   180 lb

When me and my friend drove down to meet some friends at a local college, we were not expecting to do any tripping.  We had done plenty of weed and X, but neither of us had ever had the connection or the interest to get acid.  When we discovered our friends had some acid left over from the night before, (it was a pretty big priority for us to have the LSD tested by a reliable source) we pitched in some money and purchased 8 hits, which were dropped on gummi peaches.  We weren't spending the night, and drove home to make the midnight curfew my mom had imposed on us.

When we were about 30 minutes from home, we decided to go ahead and each take 2 of our 4 hits, even though we knew we would have to be talking to my mom.  Then we hit traffic on the interstate, even though it was 11:00 PM, and I started to get a little uneasy.  About 10 minutes from home, and 40 minutes after we first dropped the hits, we both started to giggle.  Driving became extremely fun for my friend, who informed me that he would not be able to stop laughing when my mom answered the door.

1 hour after dropping:

We stifled laughter as we pushed past my mom into the basement, where we would be spending the night.  I quickly ran downstairs and turned on the TV, anxious for my mom to go to bed.  I soon realized my friend wasn't behind me.  Tracing my steps backwards, I found him sitting in the stairway staring at a mural of some birds.

'Are you seeing this?' he asked me.

Looking at the mural to see what he was talking about, I saw the trees begin to sway and the birds take flight.  Knowing we were going to be in for a long night, I pulled him down to the couch where we waited for my mom to go to bed.

2 hours after dropping:

The state of mind I found myself in was extremely interesting.  My friend was repeatedly trying to get me to call another friend to act as 'ground control,' for he explained to me that he would periodically lose all concept of who he was or the situation he was in.  I was comfortable with my surroundings, and as I described it to him 'in my element.'  I found myself in the bathroom staring in the mirror, my friend was standing beside me but had changed into a completely different person.  Staring at his face for a period of about a minute would find him changing into 4 different people, an elf, and a dog.  (I find myself still, several months later, able to change his face with some concentration when I am really high)

The one thing that I cannot stress enough about LSD induced hallucinations is how real they seem.  I have seen things with weed before, but never with the detail and clarity which I experienced on acid.  The people I saw my friend change into I had never seen before, but each one of them held very distinct features and detail in the face, and when he spoke the words would be spoken by whatever person I was currently seeing.  It was truly amazing to me.  I then turned to the mirror, and immediately saw my face melt and distort itself into hideous images.  Reading through several trip accounts before attempting LSD, I found it fascinating the relative ease and comfort which people viewed these terrifying images they described.  Experiencing this first hand, I felt a strange sense of safety while seeing this, knowing that I was on acid and this was all part of the experience.  Having said this, I can easily see how bad trips develop and cannot stress the importance of knowing what you are getting into and being in a comfortable environment.  (ie. your basement)

As I continued to look into the mirror I became unable to distinguish which side of the mirror I was on, and felt as though I was inside looking out.  As I placed my head against the mirror and stared into my own eyes, I would shift in and out of the correct side of the mirror, momentarily losing grip on reality.

3.5 hours after dropping:

The decision to go outside was made out of sheer wonder and curiosity.  Seeming to have the opposite effect of weed, the acid seemed to OVER calm our fears so that we were not neccesarily as careful as we probably should have been.  Nevertheless, after a very interesting walk we ended up in the middle of my cul-de-sac.  Light was everywhere.  The whole cul-de-sac was illuminated in red, blue, and white light.  We continually thought we saw headlights, but instead of running or hiding we stared awestruck.  As my friend described how the cement had transformed itself into a Roman tiling, I witnessed a very different scene.  The cul-de-sac had appeared to be the scene of an earthquake,  the ground had wide cracks and the car parked in front of my house seemed to be sinking into the ground.  Reality was not a concern of mine, and we did not contemplate at the time how strange we must of looked standing in the middle of the cul-de-sac staring at things.  We remained outside for a couple of hours, as thoughts and emotions raced through our head only to be gone and forgotten a couple of seconds later.

After we had our fill, we began to walk back to the basement.  The walk back was probably the only part of the trip that bordered on frightening, because with each step the door seemed to get farther away and once we arrived the entrance to the basement seemed very ominous.

6.5 hours after dropping:

We sat down and watched a little TV, and had a great time laughing at the visions we shared of people protruding from the television set.  About 7.5 or 8 hours since we began, we could feel reality coming back to us.  I first began to sense it in that I began to smell and taste the real world.  It is difficult to describe, but just the taste of my mouth and the normal smells of my house were things that had become lost during the trip, and were now beginning to ground me.  I went upstairs fearing the sleeplessness (I had to work the next morning), but found myself able to sleep within 30 minutes)  The next day at work found me 'not quite there,' but everything did seem a little brighter.

LSD did not provide the euphoria that MDMA does, so if you are looking to FEEL amazing it may not be for you.  However, it does make for a great 8 hour adventure.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 9269

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Sep 23, 2004	Views: 53,391

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)