		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 1 hit
		 sublingual
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 1:30
		 1 hit
		 sublingual
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 5:00

		 smoked
		 Cannabis

		   T+ 7:00
		 1 capsl
		 oral
		 MDMA
		 (powder / crystals)

		   T+ 8:00
		 1
		 oral
		 Mushrooms
		 (edible / food)

		   T+ 11:00

		 smoked
		 Cannabis

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   180 lb

I still dwell on the void periodically. It seems ridiculous to spend so much thought on nothing at all. Just infinite darkness and silence. No meaning or significance to be extracted. Yet it is an experience I need to share, and this story might even be entertaining.

Ah the magical setting. My home away from home. You could call it a music festival, I guess. But it’s become so much more to me over the years. A temporary colony nestled in the forest, guarded by snow capped mountain peaks and calm glacial streams. The clearings and trees are populated for a long weekend every summer by an eclectic community that I am lucky enough to be a part of. The physical beauty of this place combined with the unique energy of this crowd creates a truly special place. I have yet to discover a vibe that comes close. Such energy is hard to find in this world. Cynics may simplify it as the result of excessive drug use in the wilderness. Either way, it is beautiful.

This small utopia has been an integral part for many of my most enlightening and memorable adventures, serving as more than just a backdrop. A strange paradise flooded with trustworthy, well intentioned people, coming together to celebrate life. Some of these people carry bags full of quality illegal substances for reasonable prices, and they have no trouble finding their way to us. These enlightening experiences have helped me really get to know myself and my friends. I still dwell on the memories constantly and dream with the general sense of wonder that I discovered here. Of all the stories that we playback over and over, this is one that stands out the most.

In my early twenties at the time, I was in year three of the psychedelic journey that started with the first time that I tried Magic Mushrooms.

I was in year three of the psychedelic journey that started with the first time that I tried Magic Mushrooms.

 While I obsessed over concepts of consciousness, reality, and psychedelic exploration, I kept my full-blown psychedelic experiences to just a handful of times per year. I still use these substances periodically as tools to guide me through life, always progressing toward the best version of myself – the next level.

Except for a couple dark, yet beneficial, Ayahuasca experiences a couple months prior, I had known nothing other than intensely pleasant and insightful trips. I had seen the potential to turn good trips into “bad trips” yet was always able to steer in the right direction and embrace the experience rather than fight it. Despite this level of comfort there was a lingering thought that one day I would find out the hard way that I had a limit. Deep down, I knew it was a matter of when, not if, I would find it. I felt a vague fear for this unknown level, yet my curiosity longed for it.

This was my third time at this festival and I was accompanied by just two friends this time. I’ve always enjoyed the three-person dynamic, but we were under the impression that this year our group was incomplete, missing some of our friends from previous years. We were wrong.

First, Tiger - my oldest and closest friend. We’ve been friends for well over a decade and while we drifted apart now and then, we always stayed fairly close, thanks in part to this festival. We had come together all three years; a large contributor to why he knows me better than most. I witnessed his evolution from a conservative, if not hesitant festival rookie, to a spirited dancer who looked at home in festival crowd. This was the year he earned the Tiger nickname, wearing the brightest orange pants observable with the naked eye, and a striped tiger hood that blended with his scraggly ginger beard.

Up next, we have Dragon who was in the middle of his second year at the festival and he was beginning to “get it.” He discovered that this festival was not hampered by the same social norms we were used to living with in the city. This was about more than getting drunk and chasing girls around the bar. Much more. Over time I could tell that he felt more at ease here and was beginning to become more immersed in the experience. Him and I feed off each other while elevated on the same substances, often reading each other’s minds and feeling the same energy together. He could have won the award for most ordinary looking person at the festival, but you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, right?

I studied the six colorful blotters inside a small plastic bag that shimmered in the sun. They seemed slightly bigger than I was accustomed to. Our friendly dealer from the day before claimed they were stronger than the average dose (140ug est) that we’d find around there. I’m naturally skeptical of such claims but his trustworthy smile was reassuring. I’ve never found anything less than truth here, so I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Only one way to know for sure.

I looked to my trip-mates. We were ready. Well rested, cleaned up, and recently fed. I felt unburdened and relaxed, with only the usual dose of pre-takeoff nervousness. This was day three at the festival. The rest of the world just a distant memory at this point. We delicately picked a tab each out of the bag one-by-one, and dropped under our tongues. I kicked back in my reclining camp chair, gazing toward the blue sky to enjoy the calm before the storm. The previous day was a good time, but today we were seeking the next level.

I don’t remember how long it took to kick in, but it was not long. It tends to sneak up on me quickly and there is little patience required. I observed the subtle shifts in thinking and focus as I smiled in anticipation for what was going to be an epic day and night. Unsure if I was more sensitive to the substance or if I was simply better at recognizing acid these days, I was happy with the result.

I began giggling to myself and shaking my head while looking around to assess the situation.

“Do you feel it already?” Dragon laughed.

I smiled and nodded in response. “I was skeptical at first about paying more for these tabs, but I take that back.”

“How could you not trust that guy’s smile right? It’s the most genuine thing I’ve ever seen.”

“True that, I hope we run into him again tonight.” Our friendly dealer was one of many who wandered through the festival with a bag full of every substance you could possibly desire in such a setting.

“Holy shit, this is coming on quick.” I leaned back into my reclining chair, focusing back on the sky as the familiar tingles float into my body. I felt at home with the effects even though I hadn’t experienced them for months. The other two followed into the experience as we sat around casting looks of awe in various directions exchanging glances, grins, and laughs. I had never gotten so far, so fast, on a single tab before.

We spent the rest of our collective come-up mostly in silence, staring in different directions, taking in the new world beginning to form around us. Our silence would only be broken by the odd giggle, exaggerated exhale, or gentle “wooo.” This is where I belong. The familiar headspace of pure understanding. Everything as it should be. I was enthralled with the previously static tents that surrounded our camp. The vibrant colors and geometric shading shifting in the sunlight; the movements becoming more exaggerated as they began to morph in place.

I looked beyond the tents to the forest. The tall trees were already starting to come alive. Swaying gently in the breeze, and breathing slowly. I matched their breaths, or perhaps they matched mine. I looked beyond them to the mountains watching over us. A view I’ve gotten to know well over the years. A clear indicator to assess my state. The treelines are already rising and shrinking all over the mountain faces. The trees would sprout from the shadows, growing toward the sunny spines, and falling back to what I would guess would be the “actual” treeline.

“Should we take the other ones?” Dragon cracked up at the ridiculousness of his own suggestion.

The three of us exchanged mischievous glances and giggled at the foolishly ambitious idea… and obviously concluded that things could only get better with more. I knew that we were still coming up on the first ones but the word “no” seemed like such an absurdly negative thing to say at a time like this. We each dropped a second tab as we shook our heads, acknowledging our arrogance.

I looked back to the sky to examine the clouds and found them swirling aggressively. Blending together and then breaking apart rapidly and reaching down toward us. These visuals were not foreign to me, but they were rising to a new magnitude. I could feel the energy building all around us and knew that it was time to move. Declaring it was time, we all rose to our feet in unison, smiling at each other in appreciation of the quick progress we had made.

We gathered some supplies for our journey with only a few distractions, and departed into the madness of the festival. What was a relatively calm and quiet campground a few hours before was starting to transform back to party mode. The three of us sauntered through the city of tents and trailers waving at friendly campers who watched us glide by.

I was entranced by this place all over again. It never gets old. LSD belongs at this festival. It just fits. This festival is LSD. What seemed strange the day before, makes perfect sense today. I was truly content, knowing that there is no time or place that I would rather be. I could only assume almost everyone there was on LSD as well. Why wouldn’t you be? We reached the edge of the large “suburb” camping area and drifted toward the forest trail that led to the “downtown” main stage area.

Before hitting the head of the trail we were intercepted by a large forest creature that hopped out of the trees. “Do you guys want to be a part of a collective psychedelic experience tonight during the main act?”

I snapped out of my rhythmic walk and looked to the source of the question. A full grown man, likely double our ages – wearing a formerly white bunny costume, and holding a large food container. I looked back at my two colleagues to reciprocate their playful grins as we collectively replied “uhh yea.”

The man turned around and bent over to lay the container on the ground. In the process, we were greeted by his bare ass peering from the onesie’s gaping access hatch. He spun around to face us again with a cookie in hand. He launched into an explanation of the two different types of mushrooms that he used to make them (which I neglected to remember), and how one of them would be sure to provide us with magical visuals. (2-3 grams)

Even in our current state we knew it was a great idea and a decent deal. We excitedly packed three of the large cookies in Tiger’s pack and waved goodbye to our forest friend as he faded into the world behind us. Where did these people come from? They were a different breed for sure. Do they exist in the outside world or do they just emerge from the forest to create this festival every year? I was coherent enough to know the latter was unlikely… yet I could still make a good case for it. Or maybe they were merely products of my perception. I shook my head to avoid the introspective path to confusion I see coming.

I shook my head to avoid the introspective path to confusion I see coming.

 I was no stranger to this place and liked to explore it often, but this was not the time.

The serene forest trail brings a calmness back to our trip until we emerge on the other side. Just like that we are in the heart of the festival. The once distant beat now dominates, and we are pulled toward it. The next hour or so blends together in a swirling mania of stimuli. The music, the people, the circus-like party that we saunter through. We tour through the festival gazing around at the sites as if we have never been before – yet it all feels like home. I think back to my first time ever trying LSD. It was here, and in some ways, it feels as if I had never left. Had I been wandering out here the whole time? I reconsidered and recalled my conventional life far away from here. How long had it been? Three years. What an impact that first trip had on my life. A good impact? I thought so. I wondered what others thought. My girlfriend? My parents? They would never truly understand. I wished they could, but that was asking too much. I could feel my thoughts descending back into territory best left unexplored, but was determined to get to the bottom of these musings, eventually.

Exiting another forest trail into a golden field I peered to the stage on the far side. It housed the furry wall where we concluded our party the night (or morning) before. The dry field shimmered in the late afternoon sun, appearing to flow with small mounds turning to small hills that rolled toward the stage. The ground shook with a relentless psytrance beat that vibrated to my core. What was I thinking about again? I watched my tripping partners who were equally entranced by the setting. We had not broken our automatic stride since the cookie dealing creature, almost hesitant to stop. Could we start again if we stopped? Only they could possibly understand such notions. They get it.

The others? Let them misunderstand. No one really understands each other well, nevermind perfectly. I loved them all the same, although was often unsure of how to show it. The seductive visuals would take over and distract from the frenzy in my mind. Patterns danced in the sun and expanded toward me. Unclassifiable shapes in undiscovered colors flooding my field of view. How deep into the patterns could I go? As usual the allure of taking more acid would periodically pop up.

What if we just kept taking more acid? How far could we go? Would it ever end? Maybe this was what life should be. I envisioned myself laying in the forest, twisted on sheets of acid, drooling like a dog, rainbows streaming out of my eyes. Acid head – Fucking junkie. Man, he had so much potential.

We were right in the middle of the action, the party reaching a new intensity. I could feel the energy around us. Some dance, some lay in the field. Others slide and frolic in mud puddles as if 5 years old again. Beaming smiles all around us. We smile back and wave to the mud people. I could feel the familiar innocence and fearlessness of childhood.

We moseyed on, as did my internal battle – Is this paradise or was I wasting time in a delusion of fantasy? Time can’t be wasted… and can’t be better spent than this. Why do we do this? This is where I’m meant to be. Am I handling this? Of course I am, I always do. Why wouldn’t I? I live for this. I am doing this for the right reasons, I always do… right? – The cycle would repeat continuously as I visualized my trains of thought crashing into each other as my logic collapsed on itself.

The cycle would repeat continuously as I visualized my trains of thought crashing into each other as my logic collapsed on itself.

I did not feel uncomfortable but could not ignore the thought-loop mindfuck I was falling toward – Is the acid getting the better of me? Who am I anyway? you know better than to fight the acid, give in – I stopped and looked around with a stupid smile considering what a privilege it was to experience a place like this. Most people will never know about this little town in the mountains that exists for 4 nights of the year. Breathing deeply, I set an intention to put aside my tendency to analyze absolutely everything in favour of just having a good time. I needed to surrender control and enjoy every second of this day and night. The tension released on a long exhale.

We arrived back at our camp and collapsed into our chairs laughing at the ridiculousness of our walk. We laughed at shared thoughts of flipping back and forth between “how could this be any better?” and “am I handling this?” It was good to know that I wasn’t the only one casually battling insanity while having the time of my life.

We laughed at shared thoughts of flipping back and forth between “how could this be any better?” and “am I handling this?” It was good to know that I wasn’t the only one casually battling insanity while having the time of my life.

Three introverted acid heads sitting in comfortable chairs staring at the sky can result in the odd periods of silence every now and then. They would usually cease with one of us catching another’s eye and erupting in nonsensical laughter. We smoked a bowl to breathe some life back into our conversation.

I’m not sure how long we sat here but it seemed like forever. Our acid logic and sense of humor resulted in ridiculous jokes and observations that would bring us to tears and keep us laughing 10 times over as we analyzed why they were funny. Absolutely pointless to try and describe, but I laughed more that evening than the previous 6 months combined. Anywhere else we would be insane, but here we just blended in with all of the other degenerates. At times I did feel insane. I’d launch back into my chair, laughing maniacally while kicking my feet in the air. Water overtook my visuals as tears gathered before streaming down my face. Would the jokes ever not be funny? Would we ever stop laughing? I didn’t want to.

The sun dipped behind the mountains as we assessed our situation. What followed was an adventure to change into warmer clothing. Putting pants on in a tent was a monumental task. One that took over fifteen minutes and a great deal of concentration, in between bouts of laughter while rolling on the ground.

The acid was still going strong, but we felt settled into the trip. There is something I love about the third quarter of an acid trip. Somewhat relaxed, yet not fatigued or even comprehending sleep and normal life. It was the perfect time to proceed to the next level.

“So, M?”

I know, I know… everyone thinks they have the best drugs, but seriously the stuff we had this weekend was primo – best I’ve had. We had taken the MDMA for a test drive the night before and were rewarded with a clean, powerful roll that kept us dancing past sunrise. This night, we expected the same. We each swallowed a cap (120mg est) and fell back into our chairs.

We sat in the dark and played back the highlights of the day to that point, laughing at our terrible jokes all over again. I could feel our collective energy ascending. Gradually, the MDMA began to piece my scrambled mind back together.

Gradually, the MDMA began to piece my scrambled mind back together.

 I was briskly on my feet shaking my arms out and feeling the air with my hands. The cooler evening air felt nice to breath in. The reckless disorder was being overtaken by a great sense of purpose. The night was only beginning. Going back to the stages was no longer a distant obligation. Suddenly, it was the most important thing in the world. A climax that we must move toward – We better get going.

“You guys ready for this or what?” I inquired.

“Yeah we can head down.” Replied Tiger, clearly not feeling the same level of anticipation. We began gearing up for the night. I felt like a kid on Christmas morning anticipating what comes next. The excitement burned within me as I loaded up my bag and checked my pockets. I was ready.

“Cookies?” Dragon chimed.

“Oh, yeah forgot about those,” Tiger remarked. We nervously grinned at each other.

I was initially hesitant. “Now? M hasn’t even fully kicked in yet… well I mean we could… so we don’t have to carry them.” It was a soft attempt at being the voice of reason. It was obvious that we were about to eat them.

“Naw, let’s wait,” Dragon reconsidered, before flipping again, “actually, I’m down to do them now.”

“Yea sure” replied Tiger. They both looked to me as if I had a choice.

I knew the answer was “yes” but I took a second to assess my situation. Although no stranger to these drugs and aware that they interact (physically) safely, I realized that I would pay dearly for overconfidence. Seeking the next level before this one even started? One should always show humility with a little bit of nervousness when faced with such an opportunity. Were we ready for the harsh truth the shrooms can show? There was only one way to find out.

“You can eat yours later if you want,” suggested Tiger.

“No way, we’re all going into this together,” I answered confidently.

We each grabbed a cookie and held them up to cheers. “Whatever happens, we are all in for.”

–––––––––––

We floated through the dark guided by the lights and bass of the party. Strobes and lasers from the main stage lit up the sky on the other side of the dark forest trail we entered. Our evolution toward the next level was progressing. I could feel the energy and excitement building within. Each step made with such intention, bringing us closer to the ultimate destination; yet walking required zero effort. Light on our feet, we easily navigated roots and uneven ground that may be treacherous in a less advanced state. I took in every detail of the ground. Pitch black is not all that dark here. We were comfortable, our positive energy unphased by the cold, dark trail. We spoke softly, restraining our anticipation for that party on the other side of the trees. Excited, but in no hurry.

Our last steps on the path transferred us from the dark tunnel into the open world where we stood uphill from the stage. Hit by a collective wave of euphoria we hit the brakes, observing the scene below. The word perfection came short. It felt as though the entire day, possibly my entire life, had been about getting to this place. Finally, we had made it. I tracked the green lasers from the stage to the sky above, bringing my attention to the vivid stars that speckled the black sky. It was as if the already abundant stars had exploded across the sky into smaller yet brighter shards that began to rain down toward us. The only thing that could pull my attention away was the lit path through the shops that led to the stage. The music was no longer muffled by the forest. It was pure and powerful, carrying out into the infinite beyond. It called to us. We smiled at each other and followed the call.

“I don’t want this walk to end.”

“I know right!”

“I was thinking the exact same thing! I almost don’t want to get there.”

We were completely in sync, everything as it should be. A part of me believed that we could keep walking forever if we chose. Finally, we joined the largest crowd of the weekend. This was the main event after all, and we were somehow, unintentionally on time. We found some space on the outer edge of the dancefloor and let the music guide our movements. We would exchange the occasional glance and shake our heads in disbelief: “I can’t believe this.”

The lights and lasers were brighter and more defined than ever before. Normal life seemed standard definition, even analog. This was the highest of definitions. Life in its purest form, the pinnacle of experience. We were plugged in, connected directly to this digital existence. Even the shadowy trees came to life as a backdrop for the light show. I stared into the fires dancing at the perimeter of the stage. Within the flames I found digital patterns constructed by cubic pixels. I could process each pixel, understanding each block’s role in building this reality. Pixels ripped off the flames and disappeared into the sky. My vision was reality. The concept of hallucinations did not make sense. This was my peak existence. We made it.

If the normal world is 3D, what was this? – This must be the “collective psychedelic experience” we signed up for with the shrooms – I had forgotten about the shrooms. They had not kicked in yet, but I knew this night was going to get even more interesting.

Dragon turned to me: “I’m really glad we’re friends.” He opened his arms with a smile. I eagerly met his hug.

“Me too man. I can’t believe this night.” We slowly separated turning our attention back to the stage. This simple moment still stands out in my memories as one of the most genuine human interactions I’ve had.

After some time, we got the itch to explore and headed back into the dark. Before picking a destination, we locked in for a group hug that Dragon concluded with an enthusiastic “I love us!” We turned to head down a nearby road flooded with neon lights as I was slapped in the face with a powerful nostalgia. The feeling of pure magic from my very first roll. It was if we were there again, yet somehow this time was even better.

Our energy and awe filled walk through the forest brought us to another headliner playing at a bass heavy stage. The deep pound of the bass sent strobes and lasers pulsing out into the dark. The manic energy of the stage was somehow peaceful from here. We made our way to the crowd and jumped straight into the middle, breaking into more energetic dancing than before.

I stared at my feet, once again on autopilot, stepping and pivoting with the beat. My hands smoothly floating in and out of my view. They cut through the cool air guided with restraint by the atmospheric midrange notes fading in and out of the background. Crystal like tracers flickered off my patterned white gloves and faded into the night. Time seemed to slow. I observed my movements as they seemed to perform themselves without any conscious input. I simply allowed the music to flow through me and was just along for the ride if anything.

I smiled with pure appreciation to be the intersection of such energy, wishing for it to never end. Releasing that thought, I aimed just to enjoy every moment. How could I ever describe such an experience to another person? My mind scrolled through a long list of the people that I wished to share such an experience with, feeling nothing but gratitude for our connections, even if I did not see some of them as often as I should. Sadly, these people would never know of this moment, only my two fellow explorers could possibly understand. That was all I needed.

I did not bother to look around for them, feeling their presence close by was enough. I continued to stare downward, content with the small fraction of the light show that played out on the mud immediately in front on me. I studied the impressions in the mud, still drying from the rain the night before. Each flash of the light displayed new patterns on the ground with intricate and concise detail. My vision was still crisp and at its highest definition, but I noticed new visual activity. The sharp edges of the patterns began to melt and blur, boundaries became less clear – a new personality became evident in the mud. The footprints began to swirl and morph in the mud.

I recognized this visual shift and was hit with a sudden realization that I had consumed mushrooms. I had been so caught up in the Candyflip that I forgot about the impending next level. I was unsure how the experience could become any more interesting, but it appeared that I was about to find out. Both excited and a little bit nervous I welcomed the new energy, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply – Proceed to the next level.

–––––––––––

The euphoria ceiling disintegrated as the experience accelerated to new highs – How is this possible? Out of nowhere the intensity suddenly became overwhelming and then it all flipped like a switch.

Darkness.

This was it. I had finally pushed beyond the limit and now I was going to pay for it. An inescapable doom flooded over the situation as I surrendered to darkness. There was nothing left. Just me swaying in this black void of silence.

I flashed back to the present. Dropped from silence and darkness into pure mayhem. The ground shook with the unrelenting bass that vibrated through my feet and consumed the rest of my body. What the fuck? I snapped out of my flowing trance to flash panicked glances at the people surrounding me. Before I could contemplate the situation further, the world imploded around me – Back into the void.

I lost complete touch again. As if reality was pulled out from beneath me, leaving me in infinite nothing. I forgot my own existence yet knew that I was alone – Where am I? Who am I?

Again, before I could comprehend, the world came crashing back down around me. I felt like my soul had been ripped from my body and then forced back in. I stared in amazement at the stage looming above. It glared back, shaking the world around me. I looked around at the crowd which seemed to move as a single entity, pulsing in waves of blurred slow motion.

The pieces of the puzzle started to fall back into place. It occurred to me that I was not alone here as I looked around in search of my companions. I spotted Tiger’s familiar hood a few paces to my right and reached toward him. I began to fade out again. Like a nightmare, it became impossible to complete the desperate action or call out for him.

Darkness.

Once more, I was alone on the other side. The music and the crowd were a distant memory from another time. Here there was no meaning, no point of reference, no beginning or end. I had battled to stay coherent under the overwhelming force that dragged me to this place but was quickly coming to accept this fate. The resistance was natural, but I knew it was futile. The ongoing search for my psychological limit was complete. This was it.

This time the world faded back in peacefully. I saw my hand floating in front of me as it gently tapped Tiger on the shoulder. He spun around, snapping out of his musical trance and looking me in the eye.

“I gotta get outta here,” I stated bluntly, turning to walk through the left edge of the crowd and into the darkness. I wasn’t sure if he was behind me, but kept walking until I could feel the vibe start to level out. I turned around to face the stage taking in the big picture. The music still loud, the lights still bright, but overall it was a peaceful picture from here. My heartbeat now overpowered the bass. Tiger and Dragon were not far behind.

“What’s up?” Tiger said casually.

“I don’t know what just happened. I can’t explain it. I just got overwhelmed out of nowhere and blacked out. It was just… I don’t know what to call it. I was in and out of this world.”

“I don’t know what just happened. I can’t explain it. I just got overwhelmed out of nowhere and blacked out. It was just… I don’t know what to call it. I was in and out of this world.”

 This was the best explanation I could come up with at the time. I was impressed I was able to formulate words at all. They all flowed out automatically.

“I’m starting to get a bit of that too,” admitted Dragon nervously. This was not comforting. This was going to be the worst night of our lives. I was always the first to feel the effects and was now worried that the other two were about to go through the same thing.

Tiger grabbed my shoulder to get my attention. “Where do you want to go?” I locked on his gigantic pupils. Holy fuck, did I look like that? I gave my head a shake, dismissing the thought and getting back to the task at hand. We could go anywhere. This sudden realization brought a light feeling of freedom.

I started to space out again looking back at the magical chaos of the stage. Each moment in the void could not have been more than a few seconds I thought, but time was still a foreign entity.

“The furry wall,” I blurted out. The two smiled in agreement as I felt our collective emotion ascend to a higher place. Dragon proposed that we hug it out before going on our journey. The power of the three-way hug further boosted our spirits as I could feel the glowing euphoria float back into my body. Together we could handle anything.

“I love us,” Dragon giggled. We all stepped back laughing at the tagline.

My mind wandered as we worked our way through another dark path toward the furry wall. I dwelled on the void. I could not wrap my head around what had occurred. Perhaps a flash ego death in the middle of a setting overloaded with stimuli? Unsure if I could even call it a negative experience. Still, an uncomfortable feeling lingered in my gut that whatever it was would affect me long term, but I was not sure how. I felt incomplete. There was an emptiness in my chest as if I had lost a part of myself. Had I made a mistake by venturing to this level? I could not take my mind off the incident, but still believed I was having a great time.

I tried focusing on our quest toward a new destination. Having an objective brought back a sense of purpose. Being so functional and capable, yet so far gone was a severe paradox that I would feel in waves. I was convinced that the positive energy of the MDMA was the only thing keeping me somewhat on track. A useful tool for turning up the intensity of everything while somehow remaining somewhat capable.

We arrived at the furry wall that bordered a bass heavy, but downtempo stage. Managing to snag a prime spot right on the coveted wall we decided it was a good time to smoke a bowl or two. Was I really about to do more drugs? We each took a couple hits and offered some to our wall neighbors before sinking back into the cushions.

“I really can’t describe what happened back there,” I remarked to Tiger. “Sorry if I alarmed you guys. Just needed a minute to come back to earth... I was just gone… Then back here. And then gone again. Can’t really put it into words… It’s all good now.” He was understanding, but I knew he didn’t quite grasp what I was trying to portray.

I welcomed the sensation of falling back from the scene in front of us. Melting into the bass that shook the wall. I could not recognize the border between my body, the wall, and the rest of the surrounding world. We were all one sea of vibration. My body now felt heavy, but my mind was still wired. Cannabis can bring in some strange elements to trips. Time somehow became even less linear. How long had I been in this state and what did we do today? I attempted to place the day’s events into something resembling order but was soon distracted by the scene in front of me.

The visuals had accelerated to a new level once again. I focused on what could only be the graphic representation of sound rippling through the air. Fractal patterns spiraled out of the stage speakers, vibrating through the lights with each pound of the bass. It seemed perfectly natural that I was literally seeing sound vibrations in the air. The spirals would start out tight and expand outward to us before fading immediately in front of us. I looked up to watch the soundwaves reverberate into the sky.

Each pulse injected life into the sky until it was immediately capped by the next crack of a higher note. The cycle repeated, adding layers of complexity as the beat evolved. I followed the patterns wondering if the producer intended his beats to be experienced as this visual pattern.

I was distracted by a recognizable character standing nearby. An old friend from another year. We had set up next to and spent a good amount of time with him and his crew 2 years prior. I had not seen him since and wondered if he would remember me. He was talking with someone and I was content with leaving it a mystery. It didn’t matter. He still felt like family as I knew that he “got it.” He was here again after all. I scanned the dancefloor, so many different types of people that all share a deep understanding of this place. A cohesive force. Everyone looking out for each other.

I relaxed and got back into my head. Still enjoying every moment but eager to come to something resembling a conclusion. Aware of the futility of labeling a single takeaway from such a complex day I pushed deeper into my mind. Nothing to fear.

Why do we do this? There must be a point. Something to integrate – It had to be about something more than hedonism and fun.

I was aware that my tendency to contrive some kind of lesson or meaning from every experience was something indoctrinated from a young age. Every story came to an end. A satisfying conclusion that we could bundle up and apply to life in general. A useful practice, but also habit forming; subconsciously living as a protagonist in the chapters of life. In reality I knew, there was no end. As always, time would go on. I would come down from this, and we would leave this place. Yet the cosmic reality of which we are just – a shift in the musical pattern shattered my train of thought allowing “reality” to render before me again.

This was the world I want to know. I looked back to the shimmering stars above. If an alien intelligence were observing humanity, this was what I wanted them to see. We are capable of such beautiful art, expression, and love. I acknowledged that this festival and these trips were something I needed to continue to be a part of. Why wouldn’t we do this? My highlight reel of life was riddled with these types of experiences.

I realized that I needed get out of my own way, add another story to the highlight reel, and stop feeling guilty for having such a good time. I decided to give myself some credit and considered that I may actually be doing a pretty good job of finding that perfect balance in life. I laughed to myself, hoping that my partners found similar peace.

I felt fortunate to live such a life and experience it with these friends. What more could I possibly ask for?

The sun was starting to rise, and I was beginning to feel the first signs of fatigue. My skin did not tingle with every soaring high note anymore and the world was starting to look a little more normal. I knew that we could prolong the party with another hit, but it did not feel necessary. What goes up must come down.

We barely beat the sun back to our tents, hoping that we could grab a couple hours of sleep before they heated to an intolerable level. I was alone in my tent, wrapped in my sleeping bag, and holding onto the ground as if it was unstable. Closed eyed visuals persisted but I eventually faded off to another dream state.

–––––––––––

I awoke a few hours later. At first, it was hard to distinguish our night out from the dream I fell into, but I was able to recall every detail of the experience. I poked my head out of the tent into the sun. The fresh air felt incredible. I was moving slow but felt healthy and at peace.  It seemed unfair to have so much fun without paying for it with a nasty hangover. I stepped out of the tent and flopped into the closest chair, gazing to the morning sky. I laughed lightly to myself trying to unpack the past 24 hours. It would take months of reflection to understand it to some extent.

Dragon poked his head out of his tent. We grinned at each other and shook our heads. No words needed. I gazed to the sky once more.

Was last night my limit? Did I finally reach it? I smirked at the ridiculous thought. Of course not. But I will find it someday.

On the next level.

Exp Year: 2015	ExpID: 111778

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 23

Published: Apr 7, 2018	Views: 13,594

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MDMA (3), Mushrooms (39), LSD (2) : Festival / Lg. Crowd (24), Personal Preparation (45), Music Discussion (22), Glowing Experiences (4), General (1)


		 DOSE:

		 2 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		 0.5 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   55 kg

Prior to writing this I have tried to explain the following experience to only one person in detail, and one other person in brief. My recent curiosity about the effects of Datura led me to read a number of reports, which then led me to read some LSD reports. It occurred to me that it would be natural, appropriate and even somewhat dutiful for me to describe the two most profound experiences I have been blessed with whilst using psychedelics to facilitate access to higher states of consciousness. I will attempt to describe these experiences with relevant detail, honesty and accuracy.

I have written a few experiences below. The first one described what happened AFTER the experience I described later, which occurred in September of the previous year.

At the age of seventeen, I became aware of and began to research the psychedelic experience, consciousness, shamanism, meditation, and philosophy relevant to such topics; deoxy.org was one of my main sources. This fanned my already burning desire to understand and experience ultimate reality and thus led me to experiment with LSD in accordance with the teachings of Timothy Leary, etc. My first experiences with LSD were with friends but, seeing my fundamentally different experiences, and fundamentally different motivation and objective, I soon began to experiment alone. The following experience occurred shortly before my eighteenth birthday.

I had read about isolation chambers and LSD experiments in environments that allow for zero external sensual stimulation (esp. no sight or sound). I had also been reading Timothy Leary's rendering of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Before beginning the journey, I prepared a small corridor (2.5 meters x 1.5) by lying a woolen rug on the floor for sitting and placing towels on the base of the doors to prevent any light from entering. Living in the countryside, and especially at night time, the small inner-hallway was silent. I ingested two tabs of strong LSD; the exact dosage in ug was unknown.

As the effects become prominent, I removed my cloths and entered the silent, pitch dark room. I lay and relaxed, remaining alert and aware of, but also detached from, the visual, mental, emotional (etc) experiences of the trip. A number of interesting events followed. Firstly, simply by allowing my body and mind to move naturally and without physical restriction or mental inhibition, I began stretching my body extensively and moving into various yogic postures. For example, at one point, I began stretching upwards and then backwards until, amidst the pitch darkness, I felt my hands reach the floor behind me. After some time I realised that I had stopped breathing, thus prompting me to exit this position. It is noteworthy to add at this point that, having grown up in a rural town, I had never done or even seen any yoga positions in my life before this night. Furthermore, from the ages 12 - 16 I invested a lot of time and energy into long distance running, which was great for some aspects of my health but also created a significant lack of flexibility in several areas (esp. joints) of my body, such as knees, ankles, hips, and lower back. In other words, I would have been totally unable to stretch into such yogic postures in my normal state of consciousness.

I would have been totally unable to stretch into such yogic postures in my normal state of consciousness.

 Later I seated myself in lotus position (beforehand I struggled to even sit cross legged on the floor) and whilst meditating in this position I noticed sensations of pain in certain areas of my body, particularly those that were not flexible enough to maintain the posture. With further concentration I was able to directly perceive the thoughts and mental patterns that were obstructing energy in each precise part of my body and thus causing pain; I was then able to consciously 'push through' and relieve/clear these subtle psychological blockages. I continued with this process for some time. Eventually, while still seated in lotus position, my consciousness moved away from specific parts of my body and I began to observe my body from outside of my body.

The room was in pitch darkness; this was certainly not the standard type of observation by which we experience things in 'normal' day-to-day life. I was perceiving my body not as one covered in skin etc but rather with my form being constituted of energetic lines, in a similar way that you could imagine a topographical map would present a human body against a 'backdrop' of pitch darkness. Neither my body nor my conscious perception of it remained immobile amidst the darkness, although the movement was not major and remained balanced and symmetrical. Protruding from the top of my crown chakra was an energetic, spirialling/rotating conical form extending upwards; an identical energetic, spirally/rotating conical form extend downwards from my base chakra. In this state I heard a deep, fearless/heroic (in the sense of one who has fearlessly questioned life and earnestly reached for the highest realms of reality that life afforded them) speak to me in a thoughtful, guiding, encouraging, determined and desirous tone. The question was simple yet profound, 'What IS..? That is the question.' This stimulus, in that state of consciousness, opened my mind to the most essential and profound question I had experienced in this life. My consciousness was opened to the degree in which I was wholly aware of and OPEN to the question, 'what is reality?' My desire to receive and understand the answer was profoundly complete and clear. I vaguely remember this voice saying some other things beforehand, but I cannot remember what was said. I wondered if it was my own voice, even in an abstract sense or from a past life, or a guide who had been waiting to help me.

Eventually I exited my makeshift isolation chamber. My bodily form had changed. I was spontaneously and naturally walking with only my forefeet. My steps were uncommonly 'springy' and my posture was at a slight crouch, in the sense that my knees were slightly bent, my torso was slightly forward, and my elbows were slightly bent. My entire body appeared somewhat as if I was simultaneously tensing all of my muscles; for want of a better description, my body appeared and felt 'pumped', with energy. It was not at all extraneous however and my movements were incredibly energy-filled and efficient. I ingested some more LSD and went to the large bathroom mirror. My shoulders were pulled far back, exposing, broadening and protruding my chest forwards. My stomach was tight and pulled towards my spine and my genitals had mostly retracted. My neck was straight, with the crown of my head stretching upwards. My chin tucked towards my chest and my jaws were tight, with my teeth closed together tightly, but not uncomfortably. I would sometimes refocus my vision so that I was not exactly looking 'with' my eyes, but I was looking 'through' my eyes, as consciousness within looking through the biomechanical instruments/windows in my head. On an energetic level, I could see a wonderful, vibrant and lively blue and purple accumulation of energy extending from, through and around my head. My body appeared to have an energetic bluish hue (I am not sure if that was purely on the energetic level, or if it would have been visible to anyone).

In short, I no longer appeared exactly human, yet I had never felt more myself. I was exhilarated, as if I had finally awoken and pulled off a very thick and very unpleasant blanket that had been perpetually suffocating me. I felt as if my body and mind had shifted into the optimal form that they afforded. I was not posing or making a conscious effort to maintain this form; it was natural and actually felt much more natural than ever before. (((I would like to add that shortly after this experience, at one of the few psytrance parties I attended (Infected Mushroom @ the Gold Coast in '05), I used LSD and again changed form, albeit to a lesser extent due to the uncontrolled public environment and resultant lack of facility to journey within and awaken on the level that I had experienced previously. My sister was also at this party and, at a later date, when I attempted to explain some of these events to her, I asked her if I looked different that evening. She confirmed that I did look different, one of her comments being that I looked 'very stretched out'. She was entirely sober at the time. The reason I mention this is because I respect that many could be skeptical about what I have written and may attribute my apparent change of form to be merely imagination or hallucination.)))

After viewing my body in the mirror, I went outside onto the ground-level veranda at the front of the house. It was a cool, moonlit night, with only a few clouds decorating the sky. I was enlivened by the night sky and went to one corner of the veranda and sat down on the cement floor. I had been trying to find a comfortable meditation posture for months beforehand and, at this point, without consideration, I sat down into an ideal sitting position; I smiled in happiness and gratitude for that gift. I stood and walked inside the garage, to be confronted by a large wasp. It hovered in front of me for a while, as if examining me; I was not afraid, but simply returned the gaze. My family's pet dog, with whom I had spent numerous hours wandering the surrounding bushland in the months and years beforehand, was peculiarly fascinated by me; not afraid, perhaps a little uncertain, but mainly fascinated. Interestingly, her head and nose were twitching and twisting to the left, something I had not seen her do before. I walked back to the corner of the veranda and stood looking towards the south-east sky. I felt an intense attractive pull in my mind-region towards the sky and, allowing this to intensify, I watched as lights flashed in a section of that region of the sky. I could hear a high pitched vibrational noise. On the psychic platform especially, I believed or perceived that I had come into contact with otherworldy entities. My sentiment was not at all fearful, rather I felt that I had finally made contact with my home, that there was another world from which I had come and from which these beings had come. I did not perceive people, or forms, or anything other than the lights and sound, but nevertheless did clearly feel their presence on a physic level. The specific message I received was, 'Seeing is believing,' which I immediately understood to mean that I could return and go with them but it required my full belief, or in other words, my conscious and inhibition-free decision to accept 'them' as reality and leave this world and whatever I have done and am going to do here.

My response was saddening but honest, 'I'm not ready yet.' This brief communication was psychic. The deep sadness remained within me, but I also felt greatly pleased because I felt that I had made contact with those whom I (intuitively) recognised as relatives of mine, with whom I somehow remain connected, and by whom I have been watched and cared for from a distance. I spent the remaining hours of the night dancing, absorbed and alone (in a sense) on the lush green grass that stretched far in front of the house, under the vibrant, paradoxically colourful, night sky and the mesmerizing moon, to the musical patterns of psybient and psytrance. Playfully, I sprinted for a short distance at a speed unexperienced before, hearing and feeling the still nights air rush past my face. The following day I gave away most of my clothes and unnecessary possessions, keeping only a choice and minimal selection.

My consciousness remained elevated in this direction for some weeks, but gradually settled back into a more 'normal' state, although there were certainly some permanent changes as well. My posture remained altered for years afterwards, to a much lesser extent than immediately after I left my makeshift isolation chamber. My desire to find my life mission intensified to the extreme after this experience.

My desire to find my life mission intensified to the extreme after this experience.

 I could not understand whether I had made the wrong choice and should have done something differently, which would have enabled me to leave with the beings I contacted. As my rational mind gained increasing momentum in relation to the experience, I wasn't even sure whether it had simply been imagination or not; although, after five years of remembering, critically considering, and contacting supportive information, whilst still skeptical to an extent, I would not at all be surprised if there was and is a lot of truth in what I experienced that evening, and what it implies for the future.

I began to read a lot more, especially about yoga, and began to plan a life of solitary performance of yoga either in India or Australia. My confusion was regarding exactly what I needed to do, and how exactly I should do it, because my heart was intensely driving me to find SOMETHING. About two months later, I actually attempted to make a further connection with the beings I apparently contacted, at which time I was prepared to leave with them, although in my heart I was not convinced that it was right to (possibly tinged with escapism) and that I really was not ready yet. A question that troubled me for some time was whether or not to continue using psychedelics on my life/spiritual quest, i.e. whether they were essential or beneficial, or not. If I was to live in solitude, and required a supply of psychedelic substances, that would be problematic. It didn't make perfect sense to me that internal transformation and enlightenment depended upon external substances. On my 18th birthday,

I bought a small book about bhakti yoga in a secondhand bookstore and a short time after that, in response to an inquiry I posted on the deoxy.org blog ('Pursuance of Full-Time Consciousness Expansion' - an effort to discover others of like mind to myself, and an environment in which to learn and progress on that path), someone suggested I look into bhakti yoga. Being thus prompted, I began to read the book I had recently bought. The ontology, the process, and the results of the meditation described in this book enthused me and I immediately began to practice. A short time later, after some of my final philosophical inhibitions were cleared from within, I moved in to a bhakti yoga ashrama.  At this point I had become determined to dedicate my life to the path of yoga. The impermanent effects and side-effects of psychedelics indicated to me that I needed to embrace a system of elevation that rendered permanent results, even if such results were generally achieved at a slower rate.

Over the past 5 years I have continued to spend most of my time in ashramas in Australia, America, and India, which has involved hours of meditation each day, study, celibacy, fortnightly fasting, often minimal sleeping, and many related practical activities. Last year I began a BA in Religion and Philosophy, which I then deferred in order to spend time with a yoga teacher in America. Currently I live at a yoga retreat center. On several occasions I have been very very close to leaving the West permanently in order to solely engage in meditation and study in a holy village in India, Sri Vrindavan, with the intention of never returning or even maintaining contact with material relations, including family. However, internal and external guidance has consistently encouraged me to 'remain in the world, whilst remaining not of the world,' so much so that I cannot disregard the likely possibility that life is reciprocating with my efforts to understand my path and is in fact guiding me in this direction. Hence, I plan to continue my studies in the not-too-distant future in order to learn more about the world (or at least the popular, modern day, perception of it), with the aspiration to somehow using that knowledge and experience to help others find more in life than the mundane.

I have had one experience that by far superseded the psychedelic experience that I have tried to describe above. This superior experience occurred as a result of and in accordance with the yoga process and for me it confirmed the reality of the ancient mystical Vedic worldview (or, 'life-view'), and the efficacy of the bhakti yoga process of self-realization.

In retrospect I have a few, somewhat rationalised, possible explanations for the psychedelic experience I have described. Some time after the experience I heard, for the first time, about Kundalini awakening and over the years since I have gradually read more about this phenomenon. It seems quite likely that this is what occurred in my case, and this alone may explain all of the other paranormal events during and after that evening, including the voice, the lights, the change of form, and the lasting life-changes that resulted. However, it may not properly explain all of these things, at least to not to an extent beyond the superficial. One speculation of mine is that, through the process of consciously removing the layers of obstructive thoughts and mental patterns (i.e. that were causing pain - as I have described above), I may have actually 'shed' much of the metaphysical coverings accumulated throughout my present life and thus returned, to a certain degree (the extent of which is of course unknowable), to the psycho-physical nature that I possessed in my previous life. Thus, being in this 'transgressed' state, my psychophysical form literally re-adjusted and my altered/revived psychic and psychological capacity enabled me to contact beings among whom I had lived in a previous lifetime, and perhaps even from whom I have come for a particular purpose. Some ideas regarding the voice I heard whilst in meditation include the possibility that it was a guide, or myself in a past life, or simply much more refined and powerful expression of my higher self that of course was with and remains with me always due to it being a part of me, albeit a part that I seldom experience with such clarity.

Four paragraphs below, I have written a brief description of another significant experience that occurred one year before the above experience.

The negative side effects of the above and below experiences were mostly related to confusion. As my heightened consciousness would gradually dwindle, I struggled to comprehend and integrate the concepts that had recently appeared so clear to me.

As my heightened consciousness would gradually dwindle, I struggled to comprehend and integrate the concepts that had recently appeared so clear to me.

 Such concepts became increasingly abstract and thus crept further out of reach and, while this was not exclusively true, to the extent that it was saddening, bewildering and distressing. As a result of the above and below experiences, perhaps with the exception of a sense of compassion, I became largely indifferent to and almost entirely removed from mainstream life and society (esp. psychologically, but also physically for some time). My perspective and corresponding motive in life seemed practically incomprehensible and antithetical to the common person's. Seeing the gulf of difference between my state of consciousness and that of my friends, and perceiving (possibly correctly) their association to be a hindrance to my advancement, I gave up all of my friendships and chose to remain more-or-less alone for months. I remember times in the last months of school when, instead of talking with friends as I had done during the years before, I would simply sit alone under a tree and try to perceive and understand life on a deeper level, hardly able to communicate with others on their terms. Or, sitting at friends' houses, feeling totally removed from them, disinterested in their enthusiasms, and practically unable to relate to them.

After time, this kind of seclusion did become somewhat psychologically challenging. Even after this phase, whilst staying in an ashrama community I would usually keep to myself. Such reclusiveness was perhaps helpful in certain respects, but the (in my opinion) progressive step of moving beyond it and returning to a more normal social state has been rather challenging, even now. Having now seen the value of and need to remain aware, appreciative, accepting and, to a degree, a part of mainstream society, I have now tried to close this social-gap significantly and probably now appear more 'normal' than I have for several years. My sensitivity levels, which had always been high, increased significantly after these experiences, creating both positive an negative results. Lastly, the above and below psychedelic experiences, and the overwhelming desire to understand life and my purpose in it, led me to question my sanity on several occasions.

I had always felt that I was somewhat different from other people I knew and, radically accentuating the symptoms and experiences as such, these events suddenly and powerfully suggested the reality of that feeling and brought an awareness of the extent and the implications of that apparent situation to the forefront of my life... Sometimes I felt as if I had lost myself; I had given up the person that I, my friends, and my family knew, and I was no longer able to relate to anyone on the same terms as I had previously done so. At seventeen, I wanted to experience what I was reading about and 'shed my ego' - to an extent, that is what happened. I think it was clear that the new, somewhat 'uncovered', me was superior to what I had been before, but still there was some shock and challenge resulting from the sudden and significant alteration of my personality.

My background in brief: I grew up in a rural town in Australia. My childhood and upbringing was quite good, spending a lot of time in nature, and under the care of kindhearted parents. Although I did encounter some difficulty with my father for a few years as an overprotective and faultfinding streak arose in him and a rebellious streak flared in me, on the most part my relationship with my parents has always been good. In my earlier teenage years I became a promising long-distance runner, finishing well-placed in a number of events including half marathons. During these years I would often be at the top of my class academically. At sixteen, curious about 'mind altering' substances, I began experimenting with marijuana. At seventeen I experimented with MDMA, amphetamines (for a short time, after which I became thoroughly deterred by the side effects and the regular users of the substance), some other substances briefly, and LSD. Throughout this time I had been reading extensively about psychoactive substances and, especially with psychedelics, I quickly ceased 'recreational use' and instead engaged in serious and responsible pursuance of technoshamanic experiences. In some ways I regret having used drugs in the past, due to the times of confusion and concerns that the substances may have caused lasting adverse psychophysical effects. Nevertheless, I can appreciate that it was all a part of my ongoing evolution of consciousness, and I have certainly learnt a lot from it.

In September of the previous year, with the determination to venture beyond fear and other mental conditioning in order to obtain a genuine experience of a higher state of consciousness, I ingested a high dosage of clean liquid LSD and, late at night, set out alone into the eucalyptus forest of Bald Rock National Park. I soon became lost within the dense forestry, smothered by the pitch darkness of the clear but moonless night, immersed in a visual kaleidoscope of unlimited internal patterns, and well aware of the potential and somewhat severe danger that surrounded me (e.g. animals [Australia is famous for its venomous snakes and spiders], injuries, insanity, etc.). Nevertheless, I remained centered, stable and rather pleased, realising that the position in which I found myself was unpredictably and especially opportune. I had little faculty to do anything other than trust my heart, connect with my determination, and push forward through the forest of trees and fears. Eventually I arrived at the base of Bald Rock and made the final one kilometer ascent.

Reaching the topmost point, my cleared mind welcomed a flow of realisation  about life, myself, and the universe, with the most significant revelation rising at dawn with the sun. As sunlight spread over the surrounding mountains, forest and granite formations, I observed the trees growing on the highest point of Bald Rock. They are, of course, dependent on the sunlight for their survival and I could see that they were growing at an angle eastward, where the sun rises in the morning, thus appearing to compete with each other, desperate for their vital source of life. With powerful clarity, it occurred to me that this struggle for life is a universal reality, endured by and involving all beings, against their will and beyond their control. Appreciating the warmth of the rising sun, I remembered that the sun itself is destined to die (school science: the sun is a star which has a limited lifespan). Perplexing; life is a struggle for life, yet the sun, which we depend upon for survival, is itself subject to certain death. I became overwhelmed by this insight about the absolute futility of the struggle for life, and thus practically every activity and endeavour that most people engage in. It meant that life on Earth is already dead and it is simply a relatively miniscule portion of time that separates everyone and everything from that apparent end. This final, fear-full veil polarised something within the core of my being and, at this point, it became clear that life  could not consist merely of this contradiction; there must be a higher reality to life, something beneath and beyond the superficial surface layer that constituted everything that society had taught me to that day.

This is when I overwhelmingly realised that I must dedicate my life to understanding life itself and, in turn, help others to rise out of the oblivion that smothers most (to use a term Timothy Leary used) 'larval' human beings. Of course, this is not the reason I write these experiences now. My motivation for doing so is simply that I wish to share them with others who perhaps even seek and/or have experienced similarly wondrous events. In the following weeks and months, arising out of natural inspiration, I began to meditate extensively, follow a vegetarian diet, stop smoking tobacco, and stop using marijuana mindlessly; I began spending a lot more time in nature, and learning a lot from that time; I intensified my study of consciousness/philosophy/etc and, most importantly, I found myself with an overpowering desire in the core of my heart to understand the truth about life and become situated in my life mission, not in the sense that I wanted to decide which job or university course I should apply for, but in the sense that I wanted and needed to understand what my purpose is, what the specific cosmic function is that I must fulfill, and how to do so successfully. The nature and intensity of this desire implied to me that I did indeed have something that I needed to find and do.

[Erowid Note:
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]

Approximately one week after this event at Bald Rock, I drove to Lismore to meet a friend, Dragonheart. I was in a good frame of mind on the drive down and had a good week beforehand, during which I had happily and gratefully helped my parents with different household activities and spent plenty of time reading, walking, and meditating to begin digesting my recent mind opening event. At one point during the drive to Lismore (I had ingested a small [if I remember correctly] amount of LSD before leaving), I briefly perceived how I was ultimately not in control of life, my path in life, or even my bodily functions. This was seen in relation to my driving and the particular route on which I had driven and was to continue driving on. I felt how my body was acting, even when I seemed to be exerting no effort to make it do so, and I could see the path that I was destined to drive along, an image somewhat like in Donnie Darko when he could see the path that a person was about to move along before they had physically done so. All in all, the drive was very pleasant and uplifting. I arrived in Lismore a little early and went to the park where I was to meet Dragonheart. I sat under a tree and looked out over the city and evening sky. When he arrived, we spoke for some time and he gave me some capsules with a mix of cocaine and MDA (not MDMA). I had never tried either before. I suggested we listen to a CD I had been listening to on the drive down - Celtic Cross, Hicksville. Celtic Cross mixes traditional celtic-style instrumental music with psybient and psytrance and, in the same way that many artists of that genre do, the musical buildup is quite gradual and subtle, making the music sound quite bizarre, non-psychedelic, lame or boring to the impatient, inattentive or otherwise uninterested listener. The song began with some rather unexpected (to a psy-party goer, like Dragonheart) celtic style music, probably seeming more like Riverdance than a psytrance album, and this continued for some time.

As I began to suspect that there was an incompatibility between Dragonheart and Celtic Cross, I suddenly spun into a very fearful spiral of paranoid self-consciousness and social unease. I had always been shy but nevertheless rather confident, especially throughout my teenage years, and had never experienced anything nearly as socially crippling as that. Crippling is certainly the best word to describe it. I mumbled that we should listen to one of his CDs and, a little while later, I left. Swallowing one of the coke/MDA caps, I started the 3 hour drive home.

I was no longer peaceful and uplifted; I was fearful and bewildered. I felt as if a huge pressure had descended onto and into my mind. My concern moved away from the Dragonheart/Celtic Cross scene and lingered in consideration regarding what course of action I should take in the coming weeks and months. Around this time, I had some interesting thoughts regarding hair. I speculated as follows: our body is a manifestation of our thoughts, therefore our cells are smaller manifestations of our thoughts; our hair is compiled out of dead cell matter, in which consciousness has ceased to reside,  possibly making it non-different from 'dead thoughts': my hair could basically and accurately be described as the dead remains of my psycho-physical past. I considered that this dead matter attached to my head was not only useless, but it may be detrimental. On a subtle level, I considered, this manifestation of 'dead' psycho-physical substance may in fact somehow and to some extent maintain my connection to previous states of consciousness, at which time the 'dead' psycho-physical cells (that form hair) were dynamic physical expressions of my consciousness/thoughts - this appeared to be obviously undesirable for one aspiring to achieve progressively higher states of consciousness. Further, on a practical level, if I were to spend a considerable amount of time in the wilderness (the week before, after Bald Rock, I had been very close to leaving home for the wilderness with the intention of living as a wanderer, and I continued to seriously consider this for some months after), hair would become unclean and generally create disturbance.

What I did after this is a little crazy perhaps. Maybe I was losing my mind that evening, or during that whole period, and maybe even now... but maybe I wasn't, despite the lack of conformity to social norms. I concluded that 1) the pain factor, and 2) the desire for social acceptance, were the only reasons I wouldn't remove my hair so, without further ado, I began to pull it out. I had long hair at the time and continued to pull it out throughout that evening and the next day. Around midday I was sitting on the veranda outside of my room, pulling out my hair, when my parents arrived home. Seeing what I was doing, my mum said, in a somewhat firm, conclusive and proactive tone, something like, 'this is going too far, something is not right...' (suggesting insanity). I replied firmly and coolly, 'If everyone did this then you and everyone else would not have a problem with it, or think it is crazy.' As I remember this, what I said was true and the principle (while not necessarily a good thing) applies throughout our society. This hair-pulling-out episode combined with the Bald Rock episode left me feeling and looking like a very different person. No pun is intended regarding Bald Rock and pulling out hair ~ 8 -D

I have always been aware that I have a certain willingness to sacrifice everything, including my life, for the highest good, which I now understand to be spiritual perfection. This mentality, I think, has facilitated an intense life on many levels and I have both enjoyed and suffered the repercussions of this. Interestingly, many people comment that I am very mellow by nature. Although I seem to be heading into an increasingly balanced and less intense approach to life, I nevertheless feel the same essential intensity in my heart that I experienced in the past, even if externally and internally I am becoming more peacefully and steadily engaged in my life work, the details of which are also gradually becoming clearer to me.

Finally, I would like to mention that I would not actually recommend the use of psychedelics in the pursuance of spiritual uplift and enlightenment. Although I did use psychedelics for this purpose, in some ways I feel as if I am still recovering from my ventures on this path. I would however recommend the potentially slow but predictably sure and steady system of yoga for self realisation.

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 84256

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 18

Published: Apr 19, 2018	Views: 4,619

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		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 1 hit
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (edible / food)

		   T+ 1:00
		 1 hit
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (edible / food)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   150 lb

LSD had always fascinated me since I had first read about it in Ram Dass's book Be Here Now.  I never seemed to be able to find it in my area, and prior to this first experience, I had only tried marijuana and mushrooms.  When the chance came to purchase two hits of liquid LSD on altoids, I immediately took the offer.  I was uncertain of the strength of each hit, so I decided that I would take one, wait for the effects, than either take the second or give it to my friend B depending on the quality.

I waited until the weekend, and met up with two friends, J and B, around 2 in the afternoon.  I took my first altoid hit around this time, letting it sit under my tongue and dissolve.  My friends and I sat in my room until I started to feel different, at which point I decided it would be best to distance myself from my unknowing family and go for a walk.

J took us on a quick drive to a local park, where we got out and began to walk through the woods.  The first effects of the LSD manifested in how I perceived the clouds- they seemed  very flat, and I could see very defined rays of light shining down between them.  In the forest, the trees seemed to be convulsing in unison, bending in towards me against the wind.  I had experienced similar 'breathing' effects on mushrooms, and I decided that I wanted to surpass that previous experience, so I took the second hit.  At this point it was about 3:00, an hour after my first hit.

Another friend of ours called and told us he had the house to himself for several hours, so we decided to head over to his place.  On the walk back to the car, the paths in the park seemed to have stretched out since my previous walk through them, and the mud under my shoes had a much stranger feeling.  The clouds had begun to warp, and turn in on each other, almost forming a tunnel.

By the time we got to the car, I was truly starting to trip.  Time seemed incredibly slow, and the music playing through the car stereo took on new dimensions.  The sound seemed deeper, and the directional mixing of each song became much more distinct.  My companions decided that they were going to pick up some weed, as well as some food at the local grocery store.

Upon arriving at the grocery store, my trip took a turn for the worse.  I am not sure whether it was that I was simply overwhelmed by the experience, or if the way I staggered my doses altered things, but I became very confused.  The grocery store was crowded, and in my state, the crowding was further amplified.  I kept losing my train of thought as I was distracted by dozens of signs and fellow shoppers.  My friends chose a few snacks then went to the express aisle.  While standing in line with them, I felt sudden rushes of anxiety and confusion.  Every object that had the potential to carry an image (mirrors, windows, television screens, electronic cash registers) seemed to flash pictures and words at me at blindingly fast rates.  I felt as if I could not properly feel my body, and that at any moment I would soil myself without realizing it, in the middle of a crowded grocery store.

I told my friend B that was I feeling very lost and that he needed to stay with me.  We moved through the line (which felt like eternity), and quickly left the store.  Out in the parking lot, J and B met up with their dealer and purchased their weed.  We drove to our friend's house and went into his basement at around 4 PM.

My confusion and fear had reached new heights, and I lay down on his couch and tried to relax as the rest of my companions played video games.  When I closed my eyes I was overwhelmed with visions of writhing patterns and shapes, of many different colors.  Time seemed to slow to an almost unbearable level - I would open my eyes, gradually remember who I was, where I was, and what I had taken, then look at the clock and realize not even a minute had passed, although it had felt like I had my eyes closed for hours.  This process repeated itself seemingly hundreds of times over the next two hours, and I was sure I was going to go insane.  I kept telling my friend B that I was scared, and that maybe I should just go back to my own house, just so I was safe.  I was certain that at any moment, I would forget everything and be forgotten by everyone - that I would cease to exist. The prospect of that ego-death was horrifying to me, and the resulting resistance I had to it led to the greatest sense of fear and confusion I have ever felt in my life.

During this time spent on the couch, I did experience interesting visual and auditory hallucinations.  My friends were playing the video game 'Rock Band', which can have four players playing instruments at once.  When I focused on the screen long enough, it seemed as if the virtual singer on the screen was standing next to me, and singing specifically to me.  Also, noises made by my friends eating or newly arriving friends entering the house, seemed to sync up with the songs played by the video game, creating new and wild beats.

Because of the near arrival of parents at this particular house, and given my terrified state, my friends decided it would be best to find a new place to stay at.  At around 6:30 PM, J and B drove me to another friends house, who happened to have a gigantic basement, complete with a ping pong table, air hockey table, huge TV, and tons comfortable furniture.  My girlfriend met up with us at this house, and her presence seemed to comfort me slightly.  However, the real turning point in my trip was when I decided to start playing air hockey.  By applying myself to the world around me, instead of reclining on a couch, I seemed to convince myself that I truly did exist.  The LSD allowed me to play with an unparalleled amount of focus, and I had realizations about myself and the game.

The LSD allowed me to play with an unparalleled amount of focus, and I had realizations about myself and the game.

 I saw how air hockey perfectly demonstrated newtons law of motion, that each and every force had an equal and opposite force.  A fast shot on an air hockey table can easily reflect back with the same speed, and the puck is kept in constant motion.  My opponents seemed to try to force their will on the puck, hitting it aggressively, and it only seemed to cause them to score on themselves.  I saw that the way to win was to merely redirect the force and move with the puck, as opposed to forcing my own intention on it.  I think this kind of thinking began to apply to my LSD trip as well, because in the process of playing four air hockey games, I lost my former sense of confusion and fear, and began to simply go along with it.  I went undefeated before the table itself overheated and refused to work.

At this point, my other friends left the room, leaving me alone to try and fix the table in vain.  I gave up, and simply sat on the floor and reflected on the experience.  I wasn't sure what time it was, and I thought maybe my acid had started to wear off, which would explain why I felt so peaceful compared to earlier.  However, as soon as I thought that, the tiles underneath me began to warp.  The darker brown stripes of the tile began to slowly writhe and spread out like liquid.  This dark mass seemed to be made up of many small particles, like a swarm of ants, and it crawled from tile to tile, linking up into a larger mass.  It crawled up the wall, and up my own arm, until the formerly white room was nearly covered in this dark substance.  All at once, it began to swirl in unison, creating a moving pattern on every surface it touched.  Instead of frightening me, I was content and in awe of what I was witnessing.  I left the room to join my friends in the larger part of the basement, and the patterned mass followed me everywhere I looked.  The furry carpet on the floor was breathing peacefully, with each little strand of fabric dancing in the air.  I looked down at my arm and could see the black particles flowing through my veins, and my hairs seemed to grow in and out of my arm.

These hallucinations were the peak of my experience, and I now felt completely at peace and unafraid.  We left the house around 8:30 and went into a nearby town so my companions could cure their case of the munchies.  The car ride was silent aside from the white noise of the air conditioner, which seemed to form soothing music in my ears.

When we arrived, I very nearly started down a negative path again.  On a TV next to our table, there was a 'home video' show playing.  These videos showed horrible accidents or acts of violence caught on film, similar to shows like COPS.  I watched a three minute clip of a man nearly burning to death in his car, as well as a bus running over a woman's head.  I was too stunned to speak, and looked around the rest of the restaurant.  The restaurant specializes in buffalo chicken wings, which many of the people sitting nearby seemed to be eating.  The red hot sauce on their faces seemed almost like blood, and they were watching the show intently.  To me they seemed like vicious, bloody animals, enjoying a show of other peoples suffering.  I was disgusted by it, but luckily was saved from further negative feelings by my close friend B's sense of humor.  He was very stoned, and just as surprised as I was that a show like that could even exist.  His commentary on the utter ridiculousness of it entertained me long enough that they could finish eating (I was unable to eat), and we left the restaurant.

Outside we met up with two LSD-experienced friends of mine, and we all sat down on benches and conversed for the next hour or so.  They shared their experiences and inquired about mine, as well as offering advice.  Both inside the restaurant and outside by the bench, I was seeing patterns on many surfaces.  Inside, the excess hot sauce on the plates seemed to form fractals, and outside the sidewalks swirled with the same dark mass I saw before.  By the time we left town, it was about 10:30 PM, and we decided to head back to my house.

I entered without incident, and spent the next hour and a half just talking with J and B and watching J play computer games.  They both left around 12, and feeling full of energy, I decided I would stay up and listen to music.  I listened to two albums straight through, Lateralus by Tool, and Hail to the Thief by Radiohead.  Both albums sounded amazing - sound was literally orgasmic, and my closed eye visuals were synced with the music.

sound was literally orgasmic, and my closed eye visuals were synced with the music.

  I listened to some Acid Mothers Temple as well, before deciding it was finally time to get some sleep, because I had work at 10:30 the next morning.  Finding sleep was difficult, but I finally managed to drift off around 4 am.  I woke up the next morning feeling completely refreshed, with no 'burn out' feeling or any residual effects.

Although my trip started out frightening, I felt overall it was a rather enlightening experience.  I had many new and exciting ideas, and realizations about human perception.  In hindsight, I realized that time seemed so slow because of the sheer amount of information I had to process while on LSD.  In normal day to day life, my mind was on autopilot for the most part.  I generally do not think about each bite of food, each single sound, each step, each breath or heart beat.  But on LSD, I was aware of everything, all at once, and my analysis of each sense made me take life second by second, compared to the autopilot I usually am driven by.

Exp Year: 2008	ExpID: 68891

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Apr 19, 2018	Views: 3,083

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