		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 1 hit
		 sublingual
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 0:25
		 0.5 hits
		 sublingual
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 1:15
		 0.5 hits
		 sublingual
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 0:00
		 1 bowl
		 smoked
		 Cannabis

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   160 lb

Throughout much of my life, psychoactive substances have been of profound interest to me. Brainwashed, as so many others, by anti-drug campaigns and the whisperings of parents and teachers, my early fascination was mixed with terror, leaning in with interest to learn of how marijuana “attacks” the cannabinoid receptors of the body, with little regard to the actual constructive effects of such substances.

I remember the gradual shift in my perception of the matter, following the measure of independence found by a boy entering junior high. As school divided itself into periods, and girls lost the cooties with which they had been imbued for so many years, cannabis was stripped of its fangs, leaving only a burning interest stoked by the whispered conversations of high school-bound eighth graders, protected in the unmonitored security of bathrooms and remote lunch tables. Soon, my own use of the drug became somewhat of an inevitability, although I didn’t puff on a joint for the first time until the beginning of my high school years, a relatively long wait, considering.

My cannabis use both continued and increased as the years progressed, and the sense of annoyance once provided by school was replaced by abject terror and stress lasting nine months of the year. As the effects of weed became commonplace, providing the usual emotional relaxation, but lacking the otherworldly excitement the highs once provided, my attention turned to other drugs, specifically of a hallucinogenic nature. It felt wrong (and perhaps even dangerous), however, to approach such a substance out of pure boredom, so I abstained the entirety of my junior year, in wait of a mental state in which I could hope to garner the realizations so many others had before me. Finally, midway through the first semester of my senior year, I decided the time was right to experiment, and I now write this report almost a month after the experience, in hopes to convey its immensity and otherworldly strangeness. Before this, my only drug experience was that of a relatively frequent smoker of marijuana, having never been drunk, or high on anything else, making this account truly one of a rookie to the psychoactive realm.

Upon making my decision to try the drug, I purchased three tabs of LSD from a friend, who happens to possess a somewhat disturbing knowledge regarding illegal activities around the area. My purchase came with a confirmation of the product's purity, one that I trusted well from this particular individual, and a recommendation to ingest a single tab for a beginning trip, saving the other two for a later, assumably more intense, journey (he also told me that he believed the tabs to be 100 ug each, though I have no way of confirming such a statement). My initial intention was always to follow this dosage advice, though such a plan became somewhat difficult to carry out due to circumstances I’ll describe later.

Before ingesting the tabs hiding in my wallet, I decided to make a clear goal regarding what I wished to gain from the trip. My greatest fear was to become part of the group of high school druggies I knew far too well, who graduated to acid after weed became boring, paving a road to the disturbing destinations of cocaine, addiction, and rehab. I decided to focus my mind to the nature of reality, avoiding the social interactions and complexities which I deemed generally meaningless even sober, yet still produced an irrational amount of stress in my day-to-day life. I also hoped the drug would promote pieces of writing, as this is one of the only forms of art in which I participate, and through which could hope to translate the inner workings of my mind to a medium with which others could engage. These hopes in mind, I chose an otherwise unimportant Saturday night, planning to wait till my parents fell asleep down the hallway, then explore the far reaches of reality in place of my own slumber.

In preparation, and to calm some last-minute nerves, I smoked a bowl of weed a short time before ingestion. During the entirety of the trip, I somehow managed to continue writing nearly continuously, waking up to nearly six pages of rollicking, somewhat non-sensical dialogue, most of which is not worth repeating here. What follows is, as closely as I can remember them, a breakdown of the events which took place that night, and a (woefully inadequate) description of LSD’s incredible effects.

(T+0:00) I ingest my first tab of LSD at 10:40 pm, holding it under my tongue perhaps five minutes before swallowing. I begin to watch “Cosmos” in hopes to set somewhat of a theme for the trip, and await the come up.

(T+00:25) Assuming some effects would be felt within twenty minutes, I began to feel disappointed, and in hopes to “jump start” the trip, ingest an additional half-tab (50 ug?), hoping I won’t regret this decision in a few hours.

(T+1:15) At this point, my come up had most definitely begun, but I realize this only in retrospect.

(T+1:15) At this point, my come up had most definitely begun, but I realize this only in retrospect.

 This period of the trip was characterized by an increasing dissociation, and separation of mind and body. The feeling was similar to withdrawing into my own head, but never realizing it. My body became its own entity, and would remain so for the entire experience, as if I had a companion on my journeys…though that companion was simply my own being. Most notably at this point, however, I again took the small square of LSD by my bed in my hand, in order to admire the beauty of the tinfoil surrounding it. I don’t remember this beauty being based in visuals from the drug, but rather an altered perception of standard reality. I suddenly felt a strong (and somewhat unnatural) urge to take the extra half-tab, awkwardly attached to its partner square via a small perforation, and did so almost in a fervor just before midnight, shakily ripping the package open. This brought my final consumption to two tabs of acid, or 200 ug, if my supplier is to be believed. Putting on my “stoner” playlist (mostly strange, atmospheric metal and rock, A lot Like Birds is featured dominantly), I closed my eyes and began the journey in earnest.

(T+1:50) Here the peak truly began, and was initially characterized by  complete inability to stop smiling, as waves of euphoria washed over me. I thought of the feeling throughout my being as chemical at first, but the adjective doesn’t seem entirely appropriate, in retrospect…the closest I can come is to imagine an LED light, the long kind, which flickers as one turns it one, and makes that high humming noise, hanging dormant in my conscious, and LSD being the force which flips its switch to an “on” position. Descriptors of the overall feeling (gathered from my notes) constantly include words such as chemical, industrial, neon, and bright. The peak, however, blindsided me. It felt as if my mind and thoughts were thrown forth into my surroundings by a particular guitar solo playing from my earbuds, and every thing began to feel incredibly fast, almost frantic. A sense of beauty, however, was pervasive above all else. It was less the beauty of my relatively dull surroundings, but felt like a strand which ran through the world, serving as a connector of those things possessing such beauty, both physically and conceptually. I came back to this thread (which I could not see, only sense) throughout the trip when feeling uncomfortable, and it served as a constant source of reassurance and happiness. My brain began to function on two different levels, seemingly creating thoughts it was unable to interpret, almost a pure, unfiltered dialogue running through my mind upon some rollicking ticker tape. This, I now realize, was another manifestation of my “separate” personas, and their simultaneous existence, one which seemed to experience the full mental effects of the drug, the other which clung to a shred of…sanity, in lack of a better word, and desperately attempted to interpret the information being thrown at it by its brother.

Interestingly, it felt as if visuals took place upon this plane of traditional reason, and this led to another unique (if, at times, annoying) aspect of the experience, in that I constantly felt torn between the two entities and realities. A part of me wished to stop thinking, at least to the greatest extent this was possible, and enjoy the patterns appearing before my eyes from a less confusing perspective. Another part of me, that which desired a more spiritual and significant experience fought to dive into the confusing medley of my drugged self, and uncover what secrets lay there. Eventually, I believe I found a balance between the two realities (if that’s what they were), and spent what I feel to be an appropriate time in each.

(T+2:20) I became shocked into writing another journal entry after a period of inactivity, and adjustment to this state of mind by the sudden aggressiveness of a System of a Down song appearing on shuffle, perhaps not the best choice of auditory stimuli. At this point OEVs had set in intensely, although I for some reason cannot recall experiencing any CEVs, though not for lack of trying. I saw fluorescent patterns, frequently Mayan or Aztecan in form, dance in the darkness before me. With a barely stifled laugh, I realized they appeared nearly identical to the backgrounds of “Realidades” grammar videos, shown frequently in my high school Spanish class. Text also began to move as I read it, with words seeming to fly about the page when focused upon, and lines of writing spreading apart in acute angles to devour their brethren below. Though this made journaling on my phone difficult, I somehow continued to do so. I also began to sense a faint animal presence on the headboard of my bed, above my right shoulder, and eventually decided it somehow felt like some kind of large lizard, a chameleon, I concluded. This lizard became somewhat of a companion upon my trip, although he (or she?) was undoubtedly as mischievous as comforting.

At this point I decided (or at least think I decided) that I needed to pee, and made the walk down the hallway to do so. This action is mostly difficult because of the proximity I must come to my parents room, but I managed to execute it relatively painlessly, though my depth perception had notable difficulty ascertaining distances (the toilet bowl especially alternated from appearing twenty feet away to inches from my face while I looked down upon it). I also took this opportunity to glance at my reflection, expecting visual distortions, but was only greeted by an entire lack of connection to the face which gazed back. A somewhat weird feeling, though surprisingly not entirely unwelcome. It felt good to feel as if I had escaped my skin, as it were, for a short period of time. Returning to my bed, I tried watching Cosmos again, and other movies on Netflix, but never really felt as if any were entirely appropriate, or interesting, although the visual distortions upon them were fascinating. My thought process began to truly tackle the nature of reality, a hefty subject, but I eventually came to the conclusion that it can only be defined in layers, similar to the layers of movement I experienced upon my visual field. As I understand my thoughts now, I believe that I determined each of these infinite layers to be the product of a human falsification, and each reality a plane in which this lie is truth, each layer stemming from a specific falsehood. Each of us exist within our own mix of these layers, depending on what falsifications we take to be true, and as such, our views of the world and universe inherently differ, and are each unique. I decided a state of enlightenment, spiritual or otherwise, could only be achieved by peeling back these layers of deceit, in search for the “truth” of the universe. This realization was one of the greatest I came to from the experience, and it is one I continue to implement in my life, understanding that lies I tell alter the objective realities of my friends and family.

(T+4:00) I began the slow process of descending from the peak I had reached at this point, and began imagining it as my differing entities drawing closer together, and at the point they meet my thought process would be entirely normalized. Visuals definitely remained present at this point, but ceased to intensify or alter, and as such became less interesting than my thoughts, though I distinctly remember a fascinating moment of watching the wall of my room bubble into water droplets, and shift abruptly in my field of view. Eventually, I decided to pee a second time, both out of necessity and a desire for a change in scenery. Upon returning to my room, I caught my first and only glimpse of my lizard companion, as a dark shape scurrying back to its proper place on the bed. I somehow knew a trick had taken place, but lay down in spite of such misgivings…

…and fell through the headboard. Literally, I felt as if the lizard had replaced the wood behind my head with a portal into the universe, and I fell backward through stars, and bursts of swirling color, before finally falling back into my own body only seconds after leaving, aligning my two entities in shocking finality. This did not represent an entire return to reality, as I had predicted, but was truly the last of any kind of peak, and the rest of the trip was spent in a mentally exhausted stupor, unable to rest, and having been awake for far too long. Anything interesting to write about ended at this point, and the remainder of my time tripping was spent watching visuals fade, and trying to ascertain the significance of what I had written and experienced. After viewing the sunrise (a truly beautiful site) I was able to fall into a kind of open-eyed sleep for perhaps an hour, regaining some energy.

By T+6:00 I felt as if I would be able to carry on a logical conversation with a sober person, and probably not have them guess my mental state. By T+8:00, any interesting visuals had disappeared, though colors remained brighter and more contrasted than normal. Right before I decided to get up and take a shower, however, a close friend texted me saying he wanted to have his first acid experience (and first experience with any psychedelic drug, for that matter) that day, and we drove to a nearby nature preserve to do so. He dosed on my final tab of acid around 10:45 am, almost exactly twelve hours after I had done so, right when the last of my own effects were wearing off. This gave a distinct and pleasant feeling of “passing off” my trip to him, and the remainder of the day was spent hiking in beautiful fall weather, walking through art museums, and delving into countless deep and fascinating conversations. It was an experience I wouldn’t trade for the world, though next time I hope to have it in an area of more natural beauty, and with the ability to be physically active, as I feel both factors would influence an even more incredible trip. Finally, I’ll end this lengthy report with a piece I was able to type out while peaking strongly, and which I feel summarizes the feeling as a whole quite well:

“Have you ever looked at a sunrise? I mean, really looked at it, waited it out, ascertained the sense of scale it brought you? We always imagine ourselves in those rays, warming us, guiding us, imbuing our pontification…but what if you were the light? What if you were the rays, simultaneously as you were whoever they showed upon? What would matter? The strangest things, I think, would. What color would the sun be, as it soaked the tops of steeples, buildings, plains, forests? Would it progress from yellow, to purple, to blue, or back again? And perhaps more importantly, who would it be that basks in the rays, and what meaning would be ascertained from them? Can they understand? Will they ever be able to?”

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 109747

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 18

Published: May 13, 2020	Views: 6,246

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LSD (2) : Entities / Beings (37), First Times (2), Alone (16)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 3 hits
		 sublingual
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 2:00
		 1 hit
		 sublingual
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   145 lb

This is a report of my first full-blown LSD experience a few nights ago. It was one of the richest, most concentrated, most sublime twelve hours of my life.

As dosages are pretty unreliable with street acid, I cannot say the exact dose I took.

As dosages are pretty unreliable with street acid, I cannot say the exact dose I took.

 However, the seller claimed that each of his tabs was 100mcg, and I took four tabs. I had taken one of his tabs a few weeks earlier and experienced threshold effects--some visual distortion, slight changes in my thought processes, some sensory enhancement, and an inability to fall asleep for at least twelve hours.

On this occasion, I took three tabs at 6:00pm, holding them on my tongue for about 45 minutes, then swallowing them. I then took another tab close to 8:00.

I decided to take notes constantly during the experience, and I’m glad I did. Excerpts from these notes will appear in italics. I’ve divided the report into sections to make it easier to read.

D.M. Turner, in his Essential Psychedelic Guide, calls LSD “the molecule of perfection.” While there is as much variety in people’s LSD experiences as there is variety in people themselves, his description suited my experience. In comparing my experience with my previous experiences with psilocybin mushrooms, the former conjured images of diamonds, clarity, light, perfection in a “mathematical” sense, rainbows, whereas the latter brings to mind images of the earth, the ocean, and feelings of sinking and flowing as water. This is simply my experience.

Previous experiences: cannabis, psilocybin mushrooms, 4-AcO-DMT, 25i-NBOMe, MDMA, HBWR seeds, DMT (smoked)

Set: Contemplative, solitary, mystically-inclined; practicing deep acceptance of both the inner and outer world--this attitude of acceptance has prepared me for the expanded world of the psychedelics; reading widely in philosophy, psychology, and religion. A composer. In a long term relationship with my love.

I was a little nervous, having never had a full LSD experience, and I was taking what seemed to me a fairly high dose. And I had originally planned to take it the next day, but I was suddenly inspired to take it this evening. I felt good and ready, though, after previously been quite afraid of the drug.

Setting: My bedroom on a spring evening; my surrounding city neighborhood; a train; a train station; a park by a river.

I.

6:00pm Take three tabs. I put on some Bach keyboard music. I had been reading Dale Pendell’s Pharmako/Gnosis, and in the LSD chapter he had described listening to Bach under the influence. I have always loved the intricate, mathematical nature of his keyboard music, and it fit my mood nicely. Also, since I have listened to his music since I was quite young, it is comforting and homey to me. There is an order to the music that calms me. I had just eaten dinner, so I wasn’t expecting any effects for at least an hour or two.

7:00 Reading The Lazy Man’s Guide to Enlightenment online, a book from the 1970s that offers some reassuring advice about what to do during a bad trip, and some pointers on psychedelic exploration in general. I notice the words starting to shift, a restlessness growing in my body, a little pleasant trembling. My visual field is a little fuzzy.

I had watched some porn before reading the book, feeling a strong sexual energy growing in my body. I had kept the Bach on and muted the porn’s soundtrack, and I had noticed that I was gravitating towards more soft-core videos. I think about sexual ecstasy and spiritual ecstasy for a bit while I watch.

7:20 Visuals increasing pleasantly. A nice moment: a Bach piece comes on that I once tried to teach myself on the piano. I hadn’t heard it in years. Considering taking a fourth tab, the only one I have left. I decide to see where I am at 7:30. I write this in my notes:

I feel like i am in a humming heaven of frequency and ecstatic...the bach is literally the perfect accompaniment.

As I look around the room, I feel like I am in a sacred hall of mirrors (reminds me of Alex and Allyson Grey’s Chapel of Sacred Mirrors)--my curtains are welcoming me.

It becomes clear to me, something I often think about during the day: how fluid my thoughts are with my surroundings. It makes sense from a certain meditative perspective, which considers thoughts as another thing that surrounds us, like the objects in a room or the clouds in the sky. I see this--when the music is nimble, my thoughts are nimble--when the music comes to a pause, my thoughts also pause. I think about how little control I actually have over my own thoughts. (This is something I will be contemplating throughout the trip.)

the whole room is alive with energy and im just swimming in it

not even 730 yet--just checked for time dilation (I looked at a second hand on my clock to see if the seconds seemed to be going slower...they did not.)

7:30 Still thinking about taking the last tab. I closed my eyes for a few seconds, was flying over a vast ocean, reminded me of the film Ashes and Snow, which I decide would be beautiful to watch in this state. I decide to watch it later. For now, I want to listen to some of my own music on headphones.

7:35 definitely feeling disconnected from the world in a lovely sense, going out for a bit of a walk

every step of this trip so far as felt leading down a particular path, but also no path in particular...just following my lead wherever i’d like to go

II.

8:00 I take the last tab outside.

8:20 I am outside sitting on some stairs, watching the city life--the people, restaurants. Visuals are out of control now, it feels like the world is a Van Gogh painting--intensely vivid with color and swirling with energy. This is when the perception of color begins to intensify to a degree I have never experienced, at least in my memory. Perhaps as a child I saw the world in a similar way. Throughout the entire trip the phrase “the colors!” repeats in my mind hundreds of times, wherever I am, even in the darkness of my blankets later in the trip.

I have been thinking a lot about this aspect of the experience, the colors. It wasn’t just that they (particularly the neons) appeared more vivid. Wherever I looked and saw color, I felt a strong sense of gratitude for their presence, and the sense of beauty in the world that they represented. Each street light or flash of color in someone’s clothing presented itself as a jewel, a precious concentration of light and beauty.

I noticed something I’ve noticed on shrooms as well--the ease with with which I can fall into a train of thought and completely lose myself in it for what seems like minutes, but turns out to be only thirty seconds.

8:25 I consider adding MDMA to the experience, and I toss this idea back and forth about twenty minutes, finally deciding against it.

I consider adding MDMA to the experience, and I toss this idea back and forth about twenty minutes, finally deciding against it.

 In the end I was glad that I didn’t, as I now have a “pure” LSD experience which I can compare to future combinations. I’m particularly interested in combining LSD with MDMA, nitrous, cannabis, and DMT.

feels like paradise and sunshine inside of me

there is such a deep bliss in the slowing down of time--it feels like...finally...we have arrived, and we have time to wade around in the bliss

The slowing down of time was really one of my favorite parts of the experience. Makes me wonder what my life would be like if I lived in an environment that moved at a much slower pace than the city I’m in right now. I grew up much slower-moving suburbs.

right now there is a distinct feeling of cosmic bliss, and desire to amplify it in some way...but also a recognition that it does not need to be amplified, and can remain right where it is

WOW 830

JESUS 834 i feel like i just went through a whole lifetime...i can see why they call LSD like a trash compactor for the soul

I had read this somewhere, about an LSD experience being capable of “compacting” years of experience. Others have compared it to a spring cleaning for the mind.

III.

8:40 feeling ecstatic, literally ecstatic, like i cant contain the blisswondercolor that is exploidng outwards

This was the beginning of the ecstasy that would last for about five more hours. It caught me completely off guard. The only previous experience I had had with this feeling was my first time with MDMA, but the feeling had only lasted a few minutes. I kept anticipating the feeling on LSD to vanish, or at least to diminish significantly, but it just kept going. I felt like I was being electrocuted from within, but instead of the pain that that would entail, it was intensely pleasurable. I could not believe that it kept going.

It was the strongest continuous feeling of ecstasy I can remember experiencing in my life, and ecstasy in the root sense of the word, ek-stasis, standing outside oneself. I never completely left my body, so to speak, though I am interested in the possibility of an out-of-body experience. But there was a distinct sense of feeling a quite new relationship with the world around me. It was different from the oceanic sense of melting into nature that I have experienced on shrooms.

This feeling was amplified when I put on an album by the Conogolese band Konono No. 1, some of the most ecstatic music I know. I started by playing the music from my computer speakers, but craved a much more enveloping experience, so I set up my subwoofer and two more powerful speakers on the ground to blast the music. The bass rumbled the floor and the room filled with sound. I knew that the speakers, and my neighbors, could only take so much, but I craved much louder and powerful amplification. I didn’t go any further, but I noted this craving, and noticed it several times throughout the trip--a desire to be almost overwhelmed with sensory representations of how I was feeling inside.

big bubbling pot of music rhythms down below

8:53 ive found myself in the middle of a dancing circle in this nigerian village, ecstatic and communing in a circle

slapping my thighs in rhythm, i could not stop slapping for forever!

it feels like true entrainment--like whatever rate the music is going at, is the rate my thoughts are going

the depth of the subwoofing is so grounding for my thoughts

So, as I began to dance to the music, I began to move around in a circle, following the concentric circles on my carpet. I would return to this circle form later in the trip. As I continued to move, I found myself in a trance, which does not happen to me very often. I was slapping my thighs to the music, and for several minutes I felt completely locked in to the rhythm, feeling like it would take considerable effort to stop dancing.

The entrainment was something that I kept returning to during the trip. As I mentioned earlier, while listening to the Bach I noticed that my thoughts were particularly fluid with the music--nimble passages would promote nimble thoughts, pauses would be reflected by pauses in thought. This happened again when dancing--during more up-tempo passages, I would notice a quicker rate of thinking, and vice versa. I remember reading about Stanislav Grof’s experiments with using strobe lighting and other visual effects during LSD sessions. I am interested in exploring some of these experiments, including listening to brain wave recordings on LSD.

IV.

9:03 interested in seeing what silence sounds like

feels like there are two wings growing out of the sides of my head, lifting me to the clouds

just sitting blissfully in the clouds, feeling glad i took 4 tabs

it’s so beautiful, i keep dreading the hour i will have to go sleep...and yet its 907pm

feeling myself moving into a more mellow side of the trip...going to put on ashes and snow

I put on one of my favorite movies, Ashes and Snow. It is shot in slow motion, which was quite delicious to watch in this state. I am seized by the beauty of the film, feeling like layer after layer of my soul is being peeled back and penetrated. I feel enchanted.

9:46 it is palpable how malleable and inconsequential my own thoughts are, like then the elephant blows out in the water--thats the expulsion of all my thoughts

Again, noticing the fluidity of my thoughts with what I am perceiving. An image of an elephant blowing air underwater...I watch my thoughts dissolve and the follow the pattern of the image.

10:09 Seeing people move in slow motion on the screen prompts me to do a few yoga poses. I had a really interesting report on Erowid about someone experimenting with hatha yoga and LSD/MDMA. Stretching feels wonderful, though I only do it for about ten minutes. This is also something I’d like to try in the future.

10:15 The movie ends, and I decide to go back outside.

V.

10:54 I feel like a significant, complex, intricately weaving part of my soul has been touched and opened. Just wandering up and down the aisles of the supermarket drinking all the colors...earlier in the trip I was also searching for and appreciating the jewels of light...I wish I could stay in this supermarket all night!!! The colors are licking at me...there are rainbows beyond what rainbows I've seen...I am reeling in the bliss of color...electrified

This was a really special moment. I was wandering outside, and as it was a weekend, there were many people outside, bars were hopping, many late night places were open and active, to my delight. I stumbled upon a supermarket I had never noticed before, and wandered its aisles for probably ten minutes. It was intense. Particularly the produce. I was reminded me of some of the descriptions from the Arabian Nights, of the paradisiacal jeweled chambers where sultans lived. I could not believe how brilliant everything felt. Splendor.

Also during the walk I had stopped in front of a particularly bright restaurant and stared at a menu in the window, drinking in the chatter of people in the street, and music from a nearby bar. For a few seconds I lost the sensation of my body, as if I floated out of it just for a moment, then landed back when I realized what had happened. This happened a couple of times during the trip.

11:01 I feel like the whole trip just started all over again! Bliss candy colors

11:10 I decide to visit a train station that I know will be very active at this time on a weekend, and whose architecture I really admire. I hadn’t been there in a few months. I appreciated not feeling the drowsy, lethargic feeling I often get with shrooms, and I was excited to travel on a crowded train with the partygoers. I was very awake.

On the train (to the main train station):

11:25 I am literally splintering with light...it feels like there is a lightning bolt of rainbow bliss that is continuously striking at the center of my heart

Like a fuckin stained glass window

I feel totally unhinged

It feels like that MDMA peak, but just does not end...

Also, on the train I noticed a sudden shudder that traveled through my body, sort of a whole body spasm. It felt pleasant, and recurred throughout the night. The lightning bolt image was quite palpable, right in the center of my chest. I didn’t feel any physical pain, but I kept feeling like I would any second, as if I were going to burst with bliss.

11:40 Walking to the train station, I put on Panda Bear’s Person Pitch on my headphones. It felt so nice to listen to some of my favorite music during the trip, albums that are home for me. It was interesting listening to this album--after a while I noticed I wasn’t really listening to it, it acted more as a boost to my almost overwhelming emotions at this point. It was perfect.

VI.

11:45 At the train station. There is a central ticketing booth, in the midst of a grand room. I find myself walking around and around the ticketing booth, recalling my circular dancing earlier in the trip. I want to walk around like this, drinking in my surroundings--the people, the architecture, the music, my trembling body--but I don’t want to call attention to myself.

11:51 Feel like an enormous xylophone, being ecstatically fondled by the universe

Ever ytime I write something like this during the trip, I just have to laugh at the sudden poverty of my language capabilities. For example, I wrote this a little later at the train station: Candyland utopia paradise fairies

The use of language particularly interested me because I aware of nuances and gradations to the experience that I was unable to capture with my vocabulary. Going into the trip, I was well aware of the common experience of being unable to describe psychedelic experiences, but I could not have anticipated to what degree this would prove true for me.

12:00 I am sitting on some steps thinking and watching the weekend crowds make their way through the station. All of a sudden, very negative thoughts enter my head, but of a character that is unfamiliar to me, almost comical in the apparent arbitrariness of the words that are suddenly flowing through my mind--sinister and sadistic thoughts. I then notice something quite striking--for the past thirty seconds or so, there has been a steady stream of people wearing black clothing passing before my eyes. As soon as I notice this, I look around to find some more brightly or lightly colored people, and the thoughts change. As I have mentioned, throughout the trip I was intrigued by the influences of my surroundings on my thoughts, and vice versa, and this was a striking, but fleeting, example. I am not saying so much that the thoughts were “caused” by my seeing darkly dressed people, but simply that I noticed a possible correlation. I notice this often when I am straight, but to a much lesser degree than I did this night.

VII.

12:30 I start making my way back home. I feel like I am coming down slightly.

1:15 At home. I sort of want the trip to end, but I know it won’t end for another few hours. But I am grateful for the experience, and do not mind it continuing. I decide to watch Enter the Void, which I had seen recently. Still craving intense visual stimulation, and the use of color in that movie really impressed me. I watch about a half hour of it before moving on to Tree of Life, another favorite.

2:15 I decide to see what darkness is like. I can’t remember precisely when this period happened, whether it was before Tree of Life or after. But I turned off all of the lights and went underneath several layers of blankets to pitch black darkness. The first thing I noticed was one of my favorite parts of a shrooms trip--when I hear intricate music in my inner ear. It seems to me to be a magnification of the different sources of white noise that are present in the quiet room. I saw jagged, pulsating closed eye visuals that danced to the music, which had a distinct looping quality to it, and the presence of mallet instruments, like xylophones.

4:00 I also can’t remember exactly where this happened, but during this time in bed I decided to masturbate. This is something I like to investigate on different classes of psychedelics and other drugs. The feeling felt quite similar to my experience with Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds, which contain LSA, a relative of LSD, as it was difficult to maintain an erection and difficult to reach orgasm. But I remember the threshold dose of LSD that I had taken a few weeks earlier being much more conducive to sex, so I’m not ruling it out of the experience. But the visuals climbing towards orgasm were spectacular. The room was totally dark, and I had my eyes closed. As I neared orgasm there appeared hundreds of wiggling, glowing, worm-like patterns in my vision, suspended in a matrix, like an M.C. Escher painting. The point of orgasm was magnificent--the images are quite difficult to describe, but I remember a vivid lanscape of waterfalls and bright greenery, and a figure that resembled most closely a depiction of Hindu goddess, like Kali, with many colors and garments, with the figure’s head shifting shapes rapidly.

A few minutes later, I heard the sounds of hundreds of cicadas in my inner ear.

4:30 Return to Tree of Life, but eventually am craving something animated, something from my childhood that is close to my heart. I think of the The Flintstones or The Jetsons, and then The Jetsons Movie pops into mind, another one of my favorites. Watching it was so pleasant--again, the colors, this time in an animated format, gave me so much delight, and it felt nice to engage with something more childish.

5:30 During the movie, I decide to see the sunrise, as it will be happening in about an hour, and I haven’t been up at sunrise in several months.

VIII.

6:00 Head outside to the empty streets as the sun begins its slow ascent. I feel radiant, calm, glad to breathe in the morning air. I walk over to a park alongside a river see the moon on its way down (it appeared to be a full moon, and I later confirmed that it was). What a sight. I can’t see anyone--just some boats floating in the water, the moon, the city waking up, and the jewels of color that are still so vivid twelve hours later. I had considered taking my headphones outside with me, but had decided that I was saturated. But as I walked south, I heard precisely what I wanted to hear--birds. A couple at first as I neared the edge of a smaller park, then more as I entered. A lone runner waved good morning. And the birds were so soft and welcoming. I felt such strong gratitude for the entire experience, and I realized that this was the first sunlight I was seeing since taking the drug. I had also been awake now for 24 hours. I breathed, listened, and made my way back home when I was ready.

Exp Year: 2012	ExpID: 95667

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 23

Published: Nov 7, 2020	Views: 2,308

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LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), Various (28)


		 DOSE:

		 1 hit

		 LSD

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   77 kg

This Saturday, I ceased to exist, my ego dissolved, and I was completely consumed by hallucinations, panic, and the feeling of never getting back to reality. It was probably the most intense feeling and experience I had in my life. It might sound scary but it was also the best thing that could have happened to me right now.

I was always curious about psychedelic drugs. Reading books like "LSD, my problem child" from Albert Hofmann. And thinking about experiencing it myself. Just 2 years ago I had my first experience with micro-dosing. However, up until now, I was afraid of a full trip on acid. I never felt that it was the right moment because I felt insecure about myself and I didn't feel right about the set &amp; setting. I was just afraid of a really intense and negative trip, with all those insecurities, stress, and overload from work and other things happening around me. Well, up until this Saturday.

It started as a really positive experience. This Saturday, we decided to "go on a trip" with my boyfriend's brother while my boyfriend will take care of us in case something should happen. We were just chatting, making fun, eating good food, listening to music, watching videos of nature and landscapes. Just getting in this really positive mood to enjoy the experience. Roughly 20 minutes in, I started to have the first signs. Our concrete wall had suddenly all this depth and it was slowly breathing. The screen and lights around us were sometimes breathing, slowly flipping and moving while I knew they shouldn't. The sense of depth started to change in the room, it just felt like it had different aspect ratios.

The sense of depth started to change in the room, it just felt like it had different aspect ratios.

 It quite quickly developed and some images and videos we were watching looked like a comic book in real life and sometimes it looked like these vintage neon lights that were flowing. I was consumed by this feeling of inner peace just enjoying myself. It was euphoric.

We changed our place from a comfy couch to our small relax area which is overseeing a hill with smaller houses and a big hospital on top. Just looking out the window was crazy, all those lights were flowing, changing from their real color to the comic book style to sometimes these vintage neons. It was like waves flowing in a harmony. From lights to clouds and trees. I was just enjoying the sense of being and I was still able to tell that this is probably still a reality while it was a "bit" augmented by all these visuals. The room was also changing its ratio and angles but I was still here and I was able to communicate. I just wished that I would be able to share this experience and all these feelings with others. I was just repeating to myself "oh my god, this is so amazing/cool". It was similar to one specific sexual experience from the past, where the feeling was really similar and I actually returned to this moment during my trip.

I was constantly trying to anchor myself to my Apple Watch which had a stopwatch running, I wanted to keep track of my experience. But after an hour and a half, I wasn't able to do that, the timeline disappeared from my perception and the visuals on the watch were abstract I could not understand it. I wasn't even able to log onto my computer where I wanted to compose music while being in this state. I just couldn't do it. I felt the space around me and while I couldn't trust my sight because it was all distorted, I knew that I could trust my hearing and touch while moving around our apartment. That's how I was moving around – touching the things and areas I know perfectly even without sight. We were also looking from our terrace to the other side, everything was so bright and I just loved the visuals. We also played with sparklers which looked amazing while they were changing from these bright colors to the comic book look to waves of light. There were these "70s colors" everywhere. I was changing the location (relax area, terrace, living room, bedroom) and this euphoric state kept on going. When I was watching the visuals and movies on the screen, it looked random, there was a parallel reality happening. In a few moments like the time has stopped. Sometimes the image looked frozen and something was just happening inside my mind, it didn't make sense most of the time – or at least at the end of this phase.

But then something happened. I was sitting in the corner of our "L" shaped couch with my eyes open but I wasn't able to see the reality and I wasn't able to communicate. Everything started to spin. The reality and everything around me started to disappear (from things on our table to the room itself). I could still enjoy it but it was becoming more and more intense. I went from our living room to all these virtual spaces that were composed of different elements, from a simple room to this abstract space composed out of golden shining triangles that looked like an optical illusion. I saw all this with my eyes open (I couldn't tell but that's what my boyfriend told me). I completely stopped communicating and I was just sitting in the corner of our couch for the rest of the night. These spaces kept changing, lights, abstract shapes, positions, dimensions. And as they were changing they were gradually becoming more and more intense and from this euphoric state, I started to feel uncomfortable until I hit the bottom.

At the end of all these transitions, I felt the presence of a space that I knew quite well but I just couldn't see it. I couldn't tell where I am. For some reason, I felt really miserable and it was overwhelming. There was no rationality left. I was myself and without myself. I got into this psychotic state where I wanted to get back but I didn't know where I came from. And I had no idea how I got here, I wasn't able to articulate that I was on an acid trip. Things started to spin out of control. I was trying to remember who I am, where I am, why I am here but I just couldn't. The only thing that I knew for sure is that I'm no longer who I was even though I didn't remember it. And I knew that I'll never be part of the reality I was living in before, I'll never go back. I will remain here forever and I will just slowly disappear out of existence.  I knew that I did it to myself that I got myself here. My ego slowly dissolved.

In this strange place, I wasn't able to recognize, something started to happen. The place started to transform into this room that looked like a big cylinder (sitting on the curvy sides) composed out of thousands of little movie clips that all made sense together. And there was a story happening on the outside of this. I felt that this story is about me and it's going to be embarrassing. I was the one controlling it without even realizing it. I was resisting the story but the story was trying to go on. I had a feeling like it's something from my school-age something awkward that you never want to go through again. And all your colleagues, friends and classmates are watching it. I was there and I was feeling like I needed to vomit. I was the story.

While I was resisting the story (that was playing around me in those movie clips), I was going from a state of "it's happening, it's about me" to "no, this can't be about me" in a loop. The story was telling me that I just need to let go, I just need to let this happen and I will finally understand it. After the struggle (and feeling really bad) I just let go, I let it happen. All those little movie clips were moving as if the movie is playing in the cinema but it was not coherent. It wasn't finished, there was this part missing, the last few frames of this movie. But at the moment I let go, it all clicked, all those little pieces just fall into their place and at that moment I fall out of existence. I was and I wasn't. I couldn't tell that it was not a reality, it was the only reality for me. I was myself but without my ego.

After this moment, space I was in started to reshuffle, it became our living room and I understood that I was at home. But space still remained this 3D cylinder composed out of thousands of movie frames. I thought that it was my boyfriend who got us here because he wanted to show me that there was a crisis in my life and it was the reason that I lost everything and everyone dear to me (it never happened in real-life). In this story, he wanted to show me all that to help me feel it and live through it. He was trying to give me the feeling of the crisis before I realized where I am and what's happening around me. I just felt it. It was like a "gift" from him. Something got us to this moment in space and time (without the sense of space and time).

But this story was not about me it was about our universe, it all started to make sense. We were there with my boyfriend but we were part of these little movie frames, we merged into them, we were part of them. The story of the universe was happening and we were part of it. My boyfriend was talking to me in a calm manner. He was trying to show me that we are just a part of this story and that we have to let go and we have to let it happen. Become a part of something bigger. It was this crisis of the moment that connected us together. The worst thing did not happen and we were just at the end of this edge.

With every tick of the "movie cylinder" the feeling intensified because it made more and more sense. The moment we became part of this story of the whole universe, I started to feel the most intense feeling in this whole experience. At that moment, I felt everything. I felt the weight of my whole life, our relationship, and of the whole universe and our part in it. I understood why am I here and what am I doing here. I had this deep sense of understanding. He was telling me "let it go now, we'll (and everyone will) become part of it". We were just sitting there and that was the first moment I realized we were back in our living room, it was just looking like a 3D cylinder with all these movie frames around us (drawing the room itself). The whole space slowly transformed into these 2 big vertical "waves" composed out of thousands upon thousands of movie frames. He gave me a hug to calm me and told me all of this. Let's just be here now and let's become part of this. We can just let it all go. We'll just be here now. Together. And the moment I let go and I just leaned back to our couch it was the most intense feeling. At that moment, we became part of all these stories happening around us and we were just part of the universe. My boyfriend was holding me and we were just here and now. Part of something bigger that's all around us and we don't have to understand it. We just turned with the movie cylinder, he looked at his clock and we just become part of the story of the whole universe, part of all the movies and images happening around us.

I had a feeling that multiple lifetimes went by. And I just got another chance to and live. Restart and go. It was extremely important to just let it all go. Go with the flow of the whole universe. I can't describe it but this feeling when you stop existing and just become part of the universe is amazing. Without yourself, without your ego.

At that moment, I felt everything. Heaviness and lightness of being. The weight of all events of my life, the weight of the whole universe. When it all clicked, it was so intense. In this second, the movie clips clicked again and they fell into place with us as part of it, we just moved with it. At this moment, at this last rotation when we became part of the story, I started crying. I had this extreme feeling of gratitude that I can belong here and that I can be here and now. It was actually the first moment when reality started to come back after this intense experience. I can't describe that moment by words, it was so strong, so unexpected, so needed. I felt so connected to here and now like I never had. I was slowly returning back to reality while not even realizing it. I just kept crying. There was my boyfriend talking to me in the real world. I didn't know where I was. And this is the exact dialogue we had:

B: You're here, at home

B: You're here at home with me and our fluffy dog

ME: I'm here with you?

ME: With our dog?

B: You don't have to be afraid of anything sweetheart

B: You're just having a trip, everything was just a dream that happened to you

ME: And where are we now?

B: At home, in our living room

B: We're just watching our planet (David Attenborough is talking about our planet and the ocean)

ME: And we're here now?

ME: And we're here now?

B: Yup, together

[I leaned back]

ME: And what does it mean?

B: Well, that means that we're here together

B: You don't know what you're dreaming about and what is the reality

B: The truth is that we're here at home together and everything is fine

B: It's just a dream that it isn't

B: What's up?

ME: We are here together

I was totally lost/perplexed. And I was crying the whole time as this experience was extremely strong. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to describe it by words. It was incredible. Just to be. I felt so lucky. With my boyfriend and our dog. I found myself. With all those bad possibilities and realities, we just ended up here among all of this. With this feeling of gratitude and all of this weight and experiences, I was actually crying for an hour (my boyfriend was keeping track of time).

When I got back I still couldn't talk and I was experiencing mild hallucinations – those little movie clips were still slightly visible around us (just those edges of light around it) and our apartment was composed out of them. I was just able to nod in agreement or disagreement. We went for a walk with our dog. I still saw all these little movie clips around us – inside and also while walking outside.

When we got back, I was feeling extremely peaceful. I was laying in the bad, thinking, still not sure what was and what wasn't real. I was watching all the shapes in our bedroom – from the main light to the door and our sports equipment. Everything was white and shadows were appearing and moving around those objects like the sun or other light sources were going around it, sometimes with a bit of color. I was able to fall asleep quite quickly. This whole trip took ~10 hours (from 5 pm until 3 am).

This whole trip took ~10 hours (from 5 pm until 3 am).

Only in the morning, I started thinking about the whole experience and how it all made sense together. I remembered perfectly every single moment and every single feeling I had. I'm not a religious person but now I think I can start to understand what can baptism mean and how can it feel. The moment you rise from the water after feeling that you might be drowning. You are leaving the old person behind and someone new is just going through a rebirth. I took a shower and I shaved in the morning while thinking about all of this. And that's what I felt. Clear of all thoughts. Being reborn. This whole thing was an extremely strong spiritual experience. Just leaving the old me behind.

Few key moments for me are – the feeling of being here and now, the feeling of being so grateful for being part of this whole universe (without my ego). The appreciation for being able to be. I think the most important is the ability to be here and now. I read about it multiple times in all these books and articles. But I never felt it so intensely like during this experience. Be here. Be now. Be happy with yourself and accept yourself. Be part of it all. Don't worry all the time (especially about things you can't influence).

And the last thing I'm taking out of this is that we should do everything that we want to do while we have the chance. There will never be this perfect moment when everything will be 100%. We have to make the most out of this. We shouldn't just work all the time, waste all this precious time or be overloaded by things around us (especially work). We should just be. Be humble. And do everything that makes us happy (not just temporarily) and feel good. No one can take all of our experiences from us. And we have no idea how much time we have for them (before we cease to exist).

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 115024

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 28

Published: Jan 18, 2021	Views: 2,401

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LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Guides / Sitters (39), General (1)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 2 hits
		 sublingual
		 LSD

		   T+ 0:00
		 2 hits
		 oral
		 LSD

		   T+ 0:00
		 500 mg
		 oral
		 Acetaminophen

		   T+ 0:00
		 500 - 1000 mg
		 oral
		 Vitamins / Supplements

		   T+ 0:50
		 2 mg
		 oral
		 Pharms - Alprazolam

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   78 kg

Background: 78kg male, 19 years old, it was my 14th acid trip (excluding a few microdoses, largest dose beforehand:  400ug a year prior). I had wanted to take a large dose of acid for a while but I never had the opportunity.

It was in October, a few weeks before I was going to the military. I had prepared and planned for it, I meditated twice a day and abstained from pornography and unhealthy food. I also had a great, very intense experience on 200ug and some weed about over a month prior, but I felt like I wanted something that would really put me out of my comfort zone and give me something to improve upon and integrate while serving time in the military.

I felt like I wanted something that would really put me out of my comfort zone and give me something to improve upon and integrate while serving time in the military.

 I also had two 1mg xanax pills, which I could take as tripkillers if things happened to go south.

I told my parents that while they went to our grandparents house, I wanted to stay home and have a small party with friends, which they agreed to, so I was able to trip in the comfort of my own home. I also definitely needed a tripsitter, but my best friend was out of town so I got one of my other friends to stay with me. We were good friends but not extremely close, we had tripped together in the past and he had helped me calm down during difficult moments beforehand, so I figured he would be an ideal tripsitter for the evening.

T -00.30 About 4 pm I went to the shop and bought some snacks, some blueberries and inflated chocolate, which are amazing while tripping, also some cheese snacks and vitamin water. My friend, who I will call K showed up and we started to prepare for the trip, setting up ways to play music and chatting. He told me he had to at some point go and drive his girlfriend to some place to get food or something, I can't remember exactly, I just said that it was fine.

T 00:00 So I took the acid, so far so good. I had 4 200ug tabs with the "trippy trolls" print, claimed by a few people I know who ingested the same batch to be very strong ones. I would say from other experiences that they might be a little less than 200ug but definitely more than a standard 100ug. I don't have any way to access a testing kit since me and a majority of my friends live with their drug unfriendly families, so you just have nowhere to order it to. I didn't want to wait a million hours for it to kick in so I took 2 tabs sublingually and swallowed two, since two doses of a majority of sketchy RC acid alternatives wouldnt kill me and they aren't usually active when swallowed. However, this is not a safe way to take acid, please don't follow in my footsteps, get a test kit. Fortunately the tabs were tasteless, indicating good acid. When I took 400ug a year back, one thing which really bothered me was the bodyload, so this time I also took 500mg of paracetamol and about 0.5g to 1g of l-citrulline, which I had experienced to greatly help with it. We put on some music and sat behind the table, waiting for what was to come.

T +00.10 Ten damn minutes and I'm already feeling it. Unreal. I'm having these weird skin sensations on my face and paying way more attention to the silences between sentences in a conversation. My thoughts began to have some noticeable gaps of silence too. I still felt amazing and peaceful thanks to meditating in the morning.

T +00.20 I'm looking at the forest outside the window. There are patterns on the tree branches, the leaves are a beautiful orange colour because it's autumn. I'm literally already having visuals at the level of like a 200ug trip, I'm quite clear headed but time is starting to slow down a bit. My friend says he envies me for being able to have such an experience. I get sort of a feeling that the acid is disturbing the comfortable state I had achieved through meditation beforehand, but I was still quite joyous. A suggestion for what I could have done better: a good mindset to go into a trip is not to be peaceful and comfortable but strong and ready for discomfort but in a way that you are willing to let go of whatever needs to be let go of. I get an urge to pee like two times during the come up, the trip seemed to intensify a lot every time I would go into or come out of the bathroom, because of the environmental change.

T +00.35 K now tells me he has to go and give his gf a ride, he asked if I wanted to come with him, but I refused, since I thought my home would be much safer than his car. That was a mistake, in hindsight riding around, playing music and looking at the world with someone I could trust would have been a way better option instead of being alone at home. About that time I also put on my unfinished psychedelic album, which I had been working on for the longest time. I played the first track and we both were enjoying it, but that was about when he had to leave.

So I was now home alone. The acid was hitting me stronger and stronger, I was getting some nausea and the visuals and auditory hallucinations were starting to give me impressions of just unsafe amounts of volts zapping around in my brain. I felt as if my brain was a snail that was poisoned by a psilocybin mushroom now dying in cramps or something. The second song on the album came on, for which we had recorded vocals for with one of my friends a few days back. Since the vocals weren't edited and mixed yet and it is my song all the microscopic imperfections started really bothering me.

I was pacing around the room and saw the neighbours come out to their garden to play with their kids. This was also causing some paranoia to me, I was getting worried that I would trip out real hard and go outside and then get caught by them or something. I made really strong efforts to just push it through the discomforts. I also started getting worried about my heartrate and body temperature, which I suspect might have been increased a bit by the citrulline, since I've previously had this effect with it on acid. I've dealt with these issues on prior trips and should have now been able to get over it but it was just so much stronger this time. The music reminded me of the passing of time which comforted me and I started listening to the vocal, pushing myself through the time dimension syllable by syllable. Interestingly I wasn't able to understand a word of the lyrics I myself had written and heard so many times. I started to patiently wait for the trip sitter to come back, but I realized I was spending what felt like 5 minutes of thoughts on about every 10 seconds of audio.

I then remembered where I could find help. A youtuber has this live ego death video, that has helped me get my mind straight during a few intense experiences beforehand. I somehow managed to hit the right letters on this phone that felt like the control board of a spaceship and searched it up. It did help calm me quite a bit although I had some trouble understanding language. I layed down in the middle of my living room, and just tried to let it happen but that would make everything so intense and my heart started pumping so hard as if it wanted to jump out of my chest. I started pacing again, going into different rooms and shit. And it was not the peak! It was still getting more and more intense every second and showed no signs of slowing down. I was having trouble walking and coordinating myself, but I also couldn't stand still.

T +00:50 I just couldn't handle it anymore and decided to take the trip killers while I was still able to. My hands were shaking and it was quite difficult getting these two xanax pills out of the package and down with water. Okay, guess I will now start to slowly sober up and all will be well... Sike! That thing takes ages to kick in and I kept still getting higher and higher with no relief on the horizon. I also have never taken xanax beforehand and 2mg is quite a large dose. Taking it at all was a big mistake, as you will see.

Then I sat down and at 5:24 I had texted K "I don't understand shit" and "Took a trip killer." He asked me if I can handle it to which I simply replied "help" and "come quick." He said he will be in his car in 5 minutes, I kept insisting that he must come here fast. Being able to be vulnerable and not having to fight the urge to take the trip killers helped relieve some tension for me.

He arrived there about 20 minutes later and I felt a huge relief. Just a sober person's presence who understood me and how the world works made it so much easier to handle.

Just a sober person's presence who understood me and how the world works made it so much easier to handle.

 Had I been with him the whole time I probably wouldn't have wanted the trip killer at all. This is where the xanax slowly started kicking in. And this is where it started to slowly get pretty interesting. It was weird, it didn't really act as a trip killer for me at all, the effects just somehow ran in parallel. At first we decided to play cards (at least tried to because I couldn't understand anything about the game), we made some tea and listened to Tame Impala. I started noticing some comfortable but weird effects that I wouldn't ever associate with acid. It felt more like alcohol, but with some effects dampened and some increased.

I started feeling careless about my actions, was forgetting stuff, forgot that I'm on acid. I got this slumpy and a bit reckless feeling that usually comes from alcohol but much stronger, not caring about any consequences. I started (this is from what K told me later) randomly spitting out the food that I was eating and putting it in my tea, on the table, even put a few chewed blueberries into the air circulation hole of my chimney. I had no idea of what I was doing and no doubt in it whatsoever. There are chunks of time I have literally 0 memories about. This is not how acid usually affects people, the xanax was definitely starting to hit me. K thought that I was soon going to be fine because of the xanax and left, because he had to bring back his car or something. Oh boy was he wrong.

The xanax really kicked into full gear. This is where things get messy because this is where the loop began, or rather a spiral of chaos, becoming the only true reality there is for me. The first iteration of the loop was my entire life up to me taking acid and understanding I'm in the loop when reaching the startpoint of a second iteration. The second iteration was much smaller than the first one, where I would go to some point I remember in my home with a certain activity like making tea, drinking water, going to the toilet, sitting on the couch and so on, and then discover the next point of the loop/spiral I had to go to. But the thing is every time I went to any of these places, I discovered I had messed it up a bit more, knocked something over or found more spat out blueberries there. So the thing was that every time I would revisit any place I would mess it up even more until I turn my entire universe into messed up chaos, and I was doomed to be digging myself into this grave of entropy until the end of time. I also was the only person or being alive in the universe, I didn’t think anything existed beyond my experience.

So my solution to this was to try to map the loop in my head (it looked a bit like the golden spiral but more triangular), try to estimate where the centre of it was and to sprint as fast as I could straight to the end of it, hoping to skip all the painful iterations. But when I did this I realized every time that I got tricked and the centre was just another point in the loop and I had to do all the calculations again to find the real centre just to get played again the same way. In reality I was just sprinting around my house like a maniac. One time the centre of the loop was in some random car parked like 40m from my house, I ran outside barefoot and just started pulling the car door with insane force, I'm surprised it didn't bend it or break open or something.

Another one I also remember was a point on the roof of my porch. I remember climbing out of my rooms window (2nd floor), knocking over a beautiful plant I really cared about, rip plant, walked like 1.5m on my window sill, jumped over a metre gap from where the sill ended to the roof of my porch and then walked across it and jumped back down to the ground from like a 3-4m height. I did some crazy crackhead parkour that night, which I would have considered impossible while sober, but then it just seemed like a walk in the park. I felt no fear, I felt no pain. It's so fucked up that the next day I wouldn't believe it really happened. But then I saw a big dent in the plastic roof of my porch and also found footprints of my naked feet on my window sill, which was clear evidence that it all really went down. I then tripped around for a while and ended up finding the end of the loop at the corner of my couch and then just layed there waiting for something to happen for who knows how long.

T +06:30 I then soon started to realize that the loop isn't real and started sobering up. My body was exhausted, my knuckles bled in some places, my sofa was wet with what I hope was water but may just as well have been tea, piss or anything. There was like a 7cm hole in the door of my toilet, a toilet paper roll in the water and a toilet brush pushed on top of it, random wet toilet paper and a few blueberries in the sink. In the kitchen there were a few blueberries, chewed cheese pieces, chocolate pieces smashed and smeared onto the furniture, in the hall was the clothes stand knocked over and an alarm system controller knocked off the wall. In my room there was dirt all over my table right next to some expensive audio equipment and my damn plant literally broken in half. Fuck. I called K and talked to him for a while, and then went to sleep because it was all too much to deal with.

The next morning: Woke up looked around and it all just looked like a big fuck u to me and LSD which I both care about so much. I felt like shit. Ate some. Still felt like crap, and wasted some time on my phone avoiding the whole thing. But then I had a surge of anger like "is this really how I'm dealing with it?" and I decided to go jogging and took a cold shower. I then felt way better, cleaned the whole thing up. I made the hard phone call, telling my parents that the "party" went a little out of hand and the bathroom door and alarm controller are broken now.

The whole experience fortunately didn't seem to have any long term negative effects on me.

The whole experience fortunately didn't seem to have any long term negative effects on me.

 I have had some flashback thoughts that "the universe may be secretly getting more and more messed up and it wouldn't even violate any laws" and such, getting amplified by the COVID situation, but I have understood the stupidity of it and and it's basically not bothering me any longer. The scary thing is that if the loop wasn’t just a trip and was really the ultimate reality of the universe, it would be what still feels like a totally valid reality. And there would be no one to help or save you from the eternal suffering. If there are worlds somewhere with different laws of physics and mathematics, anything is possible. It includes such horrific systems like the loop but also absolutely amazing ones. But at the end of the day, we can’t make a solid point about a universe where logic works differently, because in that context whatever we say would be illogical. We can only talk about the world we live in, and it’s for sure one of the amazing ones.

I will probably take another attempt at a high dose trip some day, I now know a bit better what I might be in for and will make sure my tripsitter doesn't have any obligations, and also fuck xanax, never wanna take this thing again. I do not blame the tripsitter for leaving me alone, since he had to rearrange his plans to be there for me at all which I can only be very thankful for.

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 115310

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 19

Published: Apr 19, 2021	Views: 3,622

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LSD (2), Pharms - Alprazolam (98) : Various (28), Guides / Sitters (39), Combinations (3), General (1)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 2 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 0:45
		 1 hit
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 1:10
		 1 hit
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   215 lb

Since junior high, I had always been fascinated by psychedelics. I was, and still am, a person more comfortable in escapism and fantasy than real life. I believed that, through psychoactive drugs, humans could access something more “real” than reality, and that in doing so, they could understand some ultimate truth that would make life better and fuller.

Over a period of five years, I tried many different herbs and chemicals in my pursuit of my two oxymoronic goals: ultimate truth, and ultimate fantasy. I was convinced (and in retrospect, deluded) that I could find both of these things, if I just took the right drug in the right place and time. I tried cannabis dozens of times (sometimes wisely and respectfully, sometimes irresponsibly with serious consequences), ketamine, psilocybin, salvia, and copious amounts of tobacco and alcohol to fill in the cracks. LSD was the holy grail among all of these substances, and finally when I was 19 I found a connection that could get me some. After years of searching, I secured four tabs. My plan had been to take two myself, and then take one with my closest friend so we could explore a lesser experience together.

Foolishly, I did not stick to my plan. I paid a high price for my arrogance, but that same price also bought me wisdom that has since been invaluable.

 Aside from the impatience, my mental set was good: excited, unburdened (it was summer vacation from university) and optimistic. I dropped the two tabs I’d planned to hold myself to in the comfort of my own home at about 10:30 PM, after my mother had gone to bed and after a brief 10 minute meditation to center myself. Then I waited eagerly for the come up.

The first sensation was a sort of warm, metallic, tight feeling in the base of my throat, along with full-body energy. I felt as though my extremities were becoming somewhat fuzzy, and my breathing grew shallower. I felt flushed, and my mood elevated.

It had only been about 45 minutes since I’d taken my two tabs, but I suddenly wanted to ensure that I had an intense, high-level trip to fully plumb the depths of my subconscious (and, hopefully, the outer reaches of the universe). So, I took a third tab, rationalizing that I could just give the last one to my friend to use on his own.

I was clearly already not in my right mind, the LSD creating a mania that was impairing both my judgment and personality. Under all normal circumstances, the thought of cheating a friend out of anything I had promised would have been abhorrent to me, but I thought nothing of screwing my soul-brother out of the trip he had paid for. Unfortunately, any cognitive dissonance was completely washed away as the first OEV’s started to appear.

I was standing in my office, which is adjacent to my small bedroom. The office has several large shelves of books, and a medium-sized wooden desk that supports my computer and monitor. As I stood in the middle of this space, I noticed that purple and yellow patterns, somewhat like fingerprints, were appearing before my eyes in the darkness. They twisted and flittered about in ways that reminded me of bacterium, swimming through bodily fluids with their flagellum. My mood continued to rise, and I began to giggle with pleasure and wonder at what I was seeing. I had never experienced OEV’s this powerful before, and I lay down on the hardwood floor to stare up at the darkness and let the visions progress.

After an indeterminate amount of time spent giggling on the floor, with the visuals becoming more and more vivid, colorful, and fractal, I decided to put some music on. I was heavily into Japanese Rock at the time, and selected the song “Blue Train” by Asian Kung-Fu Generation from my computer. I was still fairly cognizant, so getting the song playing was not overly difficult so long as I maintained concentration. As the first iconic chords began to play, I leaned back in my swivel chair and let myself go into the music.

I experienced no synesthesia, but the music completely absorbed me. I felt as though I were mentally surfing the sounds, and I took great pleasure in focusing on particular instruments and following them while excluding all the others. I discovered new aspects of the song that I had never noticed before, and felt exceptionally proud of myself for both my observations and how well I was handling the drug. I felt sure that hours had passed, and glanced at the computer clock: 11:40.

I felt a twinge of disquiet, but of an extremely inappropriate nature. I wasn’t tripping hard enough! I recalled the general patterns of trips, and by my estimate, I would be approaching the peak in only another half hour or so. If I was still this cognizant, then it was clear that I was resisting the drug. I resolved to make the third, and fatal, mistake: I took the fourth tab.

After dropping, there was a short plateau. I moved from the office to the living room and turned on the TV, to find something interesting to watch and see how my mind reacted. I found a children’s theater production of “Gulliver’s Travels,” and for the next half an hour I watched, fascinated by the fantastical imagery in the film and enjoying the warm body sensations I was experiencing. I squirmed on the couch, feeling the fabric on my face, my hands, my stomach, my feet… I was unable to control myself and sit still. Touching was simply too powerful of a sensation.

The short film ended, and I turned the television off, unsure of what to do next. At this point, I believe that the third tab was in full swing and the fourth was on the way up. I was starting to lose track of my thoughts. They would race through my mind in recursive loops, but generally following the same theme: “acid is incredible.”

I drifted into my bedroom and began to explore. My room, normally a tiny space consumed by a twin bed and a dresser, now seemed to be enormous. I nearly got lost stumbling the two steps from the threshold to my bed, and flopped onto it with an explosion of giggles.

It was full dark in my room, but my night vision seemed exceptionally clear aside from the roiling colored patterns. I noted this and resolved to go to the bathroom and see if my pupils had become dilated, as I had heard they do when using LSD. But first, I grabbed a small stuffed companion: a six-inch high “dust bunny” from the Studio Ghibli film “My Neighbor Totoro,” nothing more than a fuzzy black ball with large googly eyes. I had bought three on a trip to Japan, and had given two away as gifts, keeping the third for myself. Now I was glad I did: he was going to be my trip buddy.

My “friend” and I went to the bathroom, and turned on the light. I stared, amused, at my reflection in the mirror, holding the dust bunny in one hand and having it look into the mirror as well. I let out a short burst of laughter: we looked like quite the pair of stoners. My pupils were so dilated I could no longer see my irises. My eyes were like my stuffed companion’s: black orbs on a white background. I surmised that this dilation was probably responsible for my enhanced night vision, and felt quite pleased with myself for this deduction.

I wanted to experience a new sensation, and taste and smell seemed like excellent candidates. I stumbled downstairs to the kitchen and found a container of honey roasted peanuts. Their flavor was beyond intense: it was cloyingly sweet, in an artificial manner, and beyond that sweetness was a wholesome nutty flavor that completely seduced me. I stood by the refrigerator, eating peanuts one by one with exquisite slowness.

Then I heard a scream.

Under ordinary circumstances, I would have thought nothing of it. My neighborhood is close to downtown Chicago, a mere bus ride away from Michigan Avenue. At night young people were out at the bars, and they often make a commotion. But in my altered state, this (probably gleeful) scream sounded like the howl of a banshee. I froze, nearly literally: my internal temperature suddenly plummeted and I began to shiver.

I looked at my tripping companion, and his large eyes now seemed worried. I concurred that things were not as jolly at they had been merely seconds (or was it minutes? Hours? Time was becoming increasingly hard to comprehend) ago, and we beat a hasty retreat to the bedroom. I got under the covers, shuddering violently, and tried to ride out the bad vibes.

But it only got worse. The shivering did not end, and the visuals were becoming first tiresome, then disturbing. My room was growing larger and larger, and I was seized with a horrifying mixture of agoraphobia and claustrophobia. I had to get out… and I had to stay in. Neither and both were critically important. Then I began to experience aural hallucinations: I heard hoofbeats, drawing closer and closer. I became convinced that the Headless Horseman, an old childhood demon, was coming for me, and he was bringing a posse. He would ride in through my window any second now: my frying brain could see him now, laughing with hellish, malevolent glee, riding hard to take my soul.

I had my last coherent, rational thought at that moment. I needed to call my friend who had given me the acid, and tell him that I was having a bad trip. Over the phone, he would surely be able to talk me down. I summoned up all the trip reports I had read, trying to reassure myself that I had only taken a drug and that it would eventually end.

Then my mind was overwhelmed, dragged down by a riptide of psychedelic fury. I can only presume that at that point, the fourth tab peaked alongside its three siblings. At this point, I have no idea how much time passed, and I am amazed I can still recall everything that happened. But I was completely psychotic, and no longer able to differentiate my thoughts from reality. My ego was breaking down, and what would be raised up in its place would be complete megalomania.

I had a simple thought, that rang out in my mind like a clear bell in early morning: go take a shower. I went downstairs to the bathroom, stripped, and turned on the shower. The sound of the water and the heat of the steam eased my shivering, and I sighed with relief. I stepped into the shower.

Then I began to spit. Large amounts of phlegm were being expectorated with each spit, but I no longer understood this to be a side effect of LSD. Instead, I thought that I was purging out my very essence: everything that was me was coming out in this spits, and with each one my physical body was diminishing. I was regressing, becoming smaller in body and mind with each spit: I was returning to the womb. I suddenly understood, with perfect clarity, that this had happened many, many times before. I was repeating a cycle, like the phoenix, of death and rebirth, and it always happened when I was nineteen. I would find acid, take it, and revert to an infant, only to grow up and repeat the cycle again.

I was repeating a cycle, like the phoenix, of death and rebirth, and it always happened when I was nineteen. I would find acid, take it, and revert to an infant, only to grow up and repeat the cycle again.

As I continued this regression, I began to have intense flashbacks to my actual childhood. I recalled sitting in the bathtub, probably no older than three, playing with a measuring cup in the water and smiling up at my beloved mother. I remembered the first birthday celebration I attended for a friend, eating a chocolate cupcake with white frosting while sitting on a small plastic chair with several other toddlers. I recalled standing up in my crib, reaching out to my father as he bent down to pick me up.

The regression continued, past my birth, and I realized with a shock that my timeline actually extended to before my birth. I entered the role of my father, wearing his trademark blue bathrobe, wandering the house late at night, with my wife (mother?) with child, sleeping uneasily. Then time went forward again, and I came to my present self again, sitting in the shower and huddling against the faucet.

I was filled with an incredible sensation, an overwhelming feeling of power and destiny. I had faced my cycle, the LSD recursion, and now I had a choice: I could live the cycle again, or step outside of it. If I moved beyond it, then my fate would be entirely of my own choosing: I would begin a new life, free from all negativity, with all my closest friends, for as long as I wished. I saw past the veil of existence and into the truth. I was an enlightened being, a Buddha! No, more than that: I was omnipotent, immortal, and free from the chains of my human body. I could shape the universe to my will, and the cosmos would bow before me, if only I seized this power and would let go of my petty fear and puny mortality.

I left the shower, shrugged on my robe, and strode out of the house. I left through the front door, and saw the first edges of dawn were appearing. As expected: I had advanced time forward so that the sun would witness my rebirth. I walked down the middle of my street, my robe open, feeling the cool spring breeze upon my naked skin, and shouted to the sky for the joy of it. I was God, made flesh and now allowed to ascend to My divine being once more. I would rule in heaven alongside my chosen companions, and together we would forge a new covenant with reality! I resolved to head straight to my soul brother’s house, awaken his latent spirit, and together we would awaken the others. I decided I would continue to walk, as an ordinary being, although if I wanted to I could shed my human form and fly. But not yet: it was enjoyable, to be human in flesh yet divine in spirit, the height of ecstasy. I approached the busy thoroughfare of Ashland avenue, where cars were zipping by.

I confess that I do not know if there is a God, or any creation spirits in the universe at all, but some force from either within my deluded mind or without convinced me to turn around and not walk out into Chicago traffic in the middle of the night. My “awakened” consciousness rolled with it, deciding on a whim that it was too soon to awaken anyone, and to return to my mortal abode for a time to better understand my new powers and destiny. So I turned around, and escaped certain injury or death.

I walked in my wide-open front door, still raving loudly about how everything was so clear, so wonderfully magnificent, and that I was the Lord incarnate. My mother came downstairs, sleepy and confused, asking me what was happening, what was wrong, why I had left the front door open.

I goggled at her, then laughed cruelly. She looked so frail and old, standing there in the hallway with her hand closing the top of her robe. She looked like my mother, but I knew that she was not actually there. She was a manifestation of my decaying mortal mind, trying feebly to restrain my ever-expanding consciousness.

She looked like my mother, but I knew that she was not actually there. She was a manifestation of my decaying mortal mind, trying feebly to restrain my ever-expanding consciousness.

 A mental artifact, nothing more. She did not deserve the slightest acknowledgement. I pushed past her and headed upstairs, continuing to shout and gesticulate. My mother followed me, her voice becoming more and more worried and frantic. She said that I wasn’t making any sense, and that I was scaring her. She asked me what was happening, and if I was all right.

This construct of my cowardly old mind was starting to irritate me. It was playing dumb, trying to distract me from my ascension. I dealt with it briskly: I told it that had taken four tabs of LSD, and it had awakened my innate divinity. I was a God, and you were a construct of my old mortal consciousness I had no further use for. I dismissed the construct and decided to head out to the porch, perhaps the roof, to take in the coming dawn.

The construct that looked like my mother barred my path, screaming. It said I was frightening her, that it wanted to know why I had taken acid, who had given it to me, that I could not leave. I regarded this old part of my life with a mixture of amusement and contempt. How could I have tolerated such a shrewish, cowardly part of myself for so long? I commanded it out of my way, and shoved forward to the door.

My mother fought me to stop me from going outside, and in the scrabble I hurt her hand and wrist on the door. I am much larger than my mother, and stronger, but thankfully I was so intoxicated that I could bring no real strength to bear on her. Once again I was saved from horror by providence or sheer luck: if I had been more focused, I could have seriously hurt her.

As it was, I was bemused to find that this construct of my former self was still quite powerful, able to repel my godhood. I decided that I still had too much of my mortal self clinging to my soul, and had to be rid of it. I stumbled back downstairs to the shower, to continue purging. On the way I pulled a potted plant down off the banister on the stairway, and it fell ten feet to the kitchen floor below. I took a few moments to sit in the dirt and play with it, my robe lost somewhere on the stairs. Then I headed into the shower.

I stood under the shower, chuckling at the remarkable power of the human spirit. “Truly, it’s all perception,” I said to myself, and it clicked: that was the final piece I needed to understand. It was all perception! Each human perceives the world in their own unique way, and in their perceiving it, they create it. It was just like how, in physics, mere observation of atomic phenomena alters the state of the observed: perception of reality defined reality. Depending on how I perceived things, I could literally change the universe!

There was a knock from outside my mind.

“Sir? Come out of the shower and get dressed. This is the police.”

“OK, in a minute,” I reply, amused at this latest attempt by my former unenlightened shadow to nip my ascendancy in the bud. Now it was taking on the form of that impersonal authority, the “police,” to “control” me. Well, I wasn’t going to fall for that. I would shut them out of my perception, and the figments would be banished. I stood in the shower.

Another knock. “Sir, come out now and get dressed.”

“I will when it pleases me to do so,” I replied, and then decided that it pleased me to do so now. These artifacts of consciousness were really getting out of hand. I had to get them under control.

I stepped out of the shower, dried off, and emerged naked from the bathroom. Two policemen appeared to be in the kitchen; the light was now on. The figment that looked like my mother was sitting at the kitchen table, staring horrified at my godhood.

“Sir, put some pants on.”

“I don’t think I’d like that. I’m fine naked, thank you.”

“Sir, put some pants on or we’ll put pants on for you.”

I shrugged. “It’s all perception,” I muttered, and put pants on, to appease the figments. They had a certain, powerful insistence to them that I found hard to deny.

“Sir, put shoes on.”

“I’d really prefer not to.” The figments insisted. I put shoes on, and said, “it’s all perception.”

“Sir, put your hands behind your back. We’re going to cuff you.”

“Oh, I really don’t think I will. This has gone far enough: I order you to disappear.”

“Sir, put your hands behind your back, or we will have to force you to do so.”

I considered defying them again, but I was beginning to feel more and more tired. And dizzy. Things were starting to lose definition. “It’s all perception,” I muttered, and put my hands behind my back. They cuffed me and took me out of the house.

At this point my memory deteriorates. I remember lying facedown in what I can only presume was an ambulance, my hands cuffed, swaying with the turns. I remember being wheeled in a gurney, and hearing two nurses speaking in disgusted tones: “what happened to him?” “Oh, he took a bunch of acid.” “Acid? What a loser! This isn’t the 70’s anymore!” This may or may not have actually happened.

I am in a bed, strapped with to the bed cuffs. The cuffs are poorly fastened: I burst from them and try to sit up. Orderlies shove me back down.

I am lying on a moving platform, going into a dark tunnel.

I am back in the bed, and hooked up to a heart monitor. A doctor is muttering and kicking the machine. I find this ridiculous: that’s an expensive piece of equipment. “Hey, take it easy man, it’s not the machine’s fault,” I say.

The doctor is gone. A nurse is telling me that I have to urinate into a cup. I tell them I can’t, I don’t need to pee. “Sir, we need a urine sample. Pee into the cup or we will need to insert you with a catheter.” I tell them that this is unnecessary, and that the urine sample is not necessary either, I simply took a few tabs of LSD and achieved godhood. I am duly given a catheter, sans anesthesia. The pain is intense, yet distant. “It’s all perception,” I mumble.

I am alone. The catheter is painful. My straps are loosened again. I remove them and begin to attempt to remove the catheter. A doctor sees me and begins to babble in a heavy accent, “no no no! There is a balloon inside of you, you cannot take it out!” I find this utterly ridiculous, as a Foley catheter would use a balloon on the OUTSIDE of the penis, and there is clearly not one there. This doctor is a quack. I tell him so, and continue to attempt to remove the catheter. Orderlies are summoned again.

I come to. My mind has, somehow, become my own again. I remember, vaguely, the precise moment when my logical human brain was supplanted and I became a megalomaniacal psychopath. I mostly feel relief that the experience has ended. I got what I had wanted, an intense psychedelic experience, but it was so much more than I had bargained for. I had read about things like “loss of ego,” “delusions,” and “reactions similar to schizophrenia,” but I had had no comprehension of what those things were like to experience.

I turned to my right and saw my mother sitting there, smiling sadly at her stupid, stupid son. I grinned, the abashed grin of a dog who shat on the floor, and said, “I really fucked up, didn’t I mum?”

She burst into tears. She thought I was going to be insane forever, but now she had her son back.

A few hours later I was released from the hospital. It seems that the LSD had caused me to run a slight fever, and since I had done nothing but take hot showers and had not drunk any water, the dizziness and black out could be explained by simple dehydration and minor hyperthermia. The dark tunnel I had seen was an MRI machine, but it had showed no problems. As expected: LSD is not a physically dangerous drug.

I was not charged with any crime, and was only liable for the ambulance ride and the deductible on insurance. On this score, I was very lucky as well. My mother eventually trusted me again, although rebuilding that trust was a long process. There are emotional scars I left on her that will never heal; I carry a few myself, mostly of guilt for hurting her and a sort of psychic PTSD. Sometimes I remember how close I was to getting myself killed, or wonder if that psychosis had not ended, and I feel a terrible dread and fear that clings to me like cobwebs for hours.

In the end, my ultimate realization that everything is “perception” was absolutely true. But now that I can once again bring a sober mind to bear on the experience, I understand that my revelation was only partly understood. It is true that human experience, and reality, is strongly influenced by our perceptions. An optimistic outlook can powerfully alter a circumstance to make a difficult issue solvable. Likewise, a pessimistic one could make a solvable problem appear to be impossible.

But just because perception affects reality doesn’t mean that perception DICTATES reality. Humans can and will impose perceptions upon reality that are warped, and can thus perceive reality incorrectly. We can perceive seven dollars when there are actually six, but we are no richer for doing so. My LSD experience completely dissolved this boundary for me, and I believe that merely imposing my will on reality made my perceptions true. But this is wrong: will power is merely the beginning of changing reality. After will, must come action. THAT is how perception shapes reality: when we not only will for change, but also act. I can will my thirst away, but only a drink can quench it. I can will to be successful, but only hard work can make it happen. I can will words onto the page, but I must use my fingers to impose that will and create something from nothing.

It has been four years since this experience, and I have only used psychoactive substances a handful of times since. I learned what I needed to learn, and no longer want to run from my life. I try to seize it, and forge my destiny the real way: through will, through work, and through love.

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 102779

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 19

Published: Jun 23, 2021	Views: 3,297

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Meditation (128), LSD (2) : Train Wrecks &amp; Trip Disasters (7), Bad Trips (6), First Times (2), General (1), Mystical Experiences (9), Families (41), Music Discussion (22), Various (28)