		 DOSE:

		 0.5 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   70 kg

SET.

I'm 23, male and for the last two years I have used NLP, meditation, eastern philosophies and other Psychoactives (MDMA, MDA, amphetamines, Weed, Datura, LSA, Salvia) to reprogram myself into an INFP Personality type (Introverted iNtuitive Feeler Perceiver).

++++++

Note: I have also had experienced short outburst of endogenous DMT releases in which I have not been able to completely let go due to intensity of the onset, unexpectedness and totally randomness (during sleep) and the fear/panic it brought about.

++++++

On my way back from the little park where I've bought the acid the world had a fairytale, fantasy-like quality about it. The neighborhood was well known to me and, until now, I had perceived it as a pretty grim city dwelling. There were a lot of children this time and all the people seemed much happier than usual. On the subway ride I witnessed a beautiful scene. A complete stranger gave a red airplane model to one of the children present. The child was totally beaming with joy and started running around playing with his new airplane while his mother was 'pretending' to calm him down. The palm trees that were being planted a few days ago in the intersection were sparkling with electric led lights while the sun was just setting and imbuing the scene with a faded mellow orange light. It was as if the impending acid trip was also reverberating back in time. Keep in mind that the blotter paper was still in my pocket.

SETTING

Props:

- Hypnosis - Richard Bandler, Neurosonics personal enhancement series.

- Shpoongle

- The 'noble eightfold path' ring from a Tibetan monk (impromptu)

- Samadhi Meditation (as a long term practice)

The day in question I've eaten only a few morsels of rice and some fruits. I wasn't planning to keep a strict diet because I've only found out that I'll get the acid later in the evening. It just felt right to eat light.

++++++

Note: Although, intuitively I knew something big is about to go down that day due to one of the spontaneous DMT releases during the night before. I managed to get past the 'WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!' and let go to the point where I thought the second chakra (Swadhisthana) got activated and I experienced an enormous flow of energy that seemed to come from the very source of the universe, like a zero point energy field, traveling continuously from the chakra trough two prana channels coiled on eachother around my spine to my head which was in a ecstatic spaciousness of the mind. Soon, when the fist thought made its presence, everything went back to normal and I woke up sweating. Yet, my consciousness had a very, very sharp quality about it.

++++++

Once home, I made a playlist with shpoonge albums 'Tales of the inexpressible' and 'Nothing lasts'. I took a shower, clipped my nails, cleaned the place, took out the trash and then meditated for about half an hour while shpoonge was still on. When I felt everything was calm, peaceful and the smile that usually comes up by itself while meditating made it's presence I used the I Ching to determine whether I should take half or all the LSD blotter and reached the conclusion that half is the wisest and the most fortuitous choice.

ONSET

After I ate the spec of paper, which was bitterish, I munched down two slices of lemon and I went back to meditation while still listening to shpongle. I don't really now how long it took to fully come on because the music was like 'OMFG!! WTF IS THAT PLACE? OAAAAW... WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?!' I don't know how they came up with this kind of music or what they had put in, but listening to it while tripping on acid is one of the most beautiful experiences on this planet. If I were to put it in a metaphor of sorts, it's like snorting cocaine and jumping of an airplane at night withought a parachute while there's an outstanding fractal-like, kaleidoscopic fireworks spectacle all around and all the mythical creatures ever invented by the human psyche are there partying down like it's their last day on earth.

DEEP PSYCHOINTEGRATIVE WORK

The next step in the structure of the trip I had laid out (at the advice of Strassman's 'Preparing for the Journey' chapter in 'Inner Pats to Outer Space') was an integrative hypnosis session. I used for that Richard Bandler's 'Neurosonics' recordings. I chose to be brief here due to the nature of the experiences being of high personal value, unique to every individual, and probably completely meaningless to whomever would be reading this. Needless to say, after I've worked trough all the psychological dissonances (and I'm quite sure I've got them all) I have met the deepest part of my unconscious. And boy is it powerful! At first it has presented itself to me as intense, almost unbearable, undefined feelings that took form of 7 dragons: Purple, Blue, Red, Green, White, Black and Gold.

After a display of immense power, beauty and perfection at which point I was absolutely awed, intrigued, respectful and scared shitless at the same time, they all bowed down in front of me and said in an empathic caring and divine reverberating voice: 'We are your friends.' I’ve talked with each and everyone of them and understood, why, how they are and what their purpose is in my personality.

++++++

Note: although I “talked” with them, I can't say they were sentient entities as one is supposed to meet on a high dose DMT trip, I wouldn't know about that cause I have yet to undergo the triptamine ordeal :D. Basically they are parts of myself.

++++++

After the 'interviews' I felt/realized that something had to be changed. More precisely that the Purple and Blue dragons are actually supposed to be one, not separated entities. And they complied merging with eachother like a high complexity multidimensional puzzle becoming itself and forming the Blue-Purple dragon of magic sexuality intuitive extrovertedness. Also the Black and Gold dragons weren't very happy either because one was missing the qualities of the other and vice versa. So I also merged them into the Gold-Black dragon of apprehensive determinative practical clarity. The Red is in charge of destroying what is no longer needed. The Green takes care of growing new structures and those two have a feminine quality complementary to the masculinity of the other dragons. The White dragon is the wise overseer.

++++++

Note: Keep in mind that language is a very poor perceptual-cognitive-symbolic instrument for describing what actually took place and the actual experience is in itself a far more competent direct-intuitive-non-local tool. In other words, language is so lame that I'm asking myself what's the point of writing this. Anyways, I do it because I've promised myself I'll do it.

++++++

REALITY and PERCEPTION

Suddenly my body started conveying an unquestionable message of hunger as in 'Look, that's beautiful and all but you really need to eat right now!' Not with words but a kind of undeniable knowing/feeling. At this point I opened my eyes.

Although the lighting was minimal the walls and the objects around me, including my body, were flashing bright, vibrating, and undulating. Moving felt extremely pleasurable and I was two feet off the ground. The coordination of movement was much more precise then the similar, lesser, kind of coordination I experience on MDMA and amphetamines. And suddenly I saw the house plants, moving, vibrating, ALIVE and AWARE of my presence. This made me blissful and I realized there is a very big difference between the intellectual knowledge (i.e. of plants being alive) and the actual underlying subjective understanding of their aliveness. Generalizing, all the knowledge in the whole world, all the books, written and spoken information is just junk compared to the direct experience itself. I went immediately to the balcony and looked at the trees. They also were subtly moving, “alive-ing” and actually communicating with each other. I waved hello. They waved back in their own way and they seemed happy that I was actually understanding them.

Back to the fridge to eat some fruits. This is were shit gets really interesting. The perfection of the apple that I was holding in my hand made me understand that through the fact that I was perceiving it, I was actually bringing it into being. The moment I took a bite, a tremendous fear engulfed me. And a brief thought went by as fast as light “Aw shit, I’m dieing!” But there was too late to do anything about it, I've already done it. The whole sensorium of hearing the crackling of the apple, the taste, the smell, the holding, the sight, they all sinestesicaly combined and I WAS THE FUCKING APPLE! There was no me, just a process of 'apple-ing'. A few years back I had eaten the best peach ever while I was on E. I actually had no idea, at that time, what that really meant... After this, I also have the memory of eating a few other fruits. But (and this is a profound “but”) it's not really 'my' memory. It's not as if I ate the fruits. The fruit's had been eaten. Period.

After this I regained my 'sense of self' but this sense of self was still kind of separate, as if I was something else that was experiencing the self. And the self was pretty damn mad at the fact that it just *wasn't* a few moments’ back. It was like an old uptight professor who is mad at 'his' students for their being happy. And this other expansive I-existence and the Blue-Purple dragon were like two children in a classroom trying as hard as they could not to look at each other because they new that they would burst into laughing at a most inappropriate time if they did. And they did look at eachother and LOL’d at eachother for no reason al all and 'the self' was gone again.

I turned off the light and sat down back in the lotus position on the couch trying to meditate. Which was impossible. There was no way I could calm the mind. It created hundreds if not thousands of alien sceneries passing by very fast in sharpness and detail that one doesn’t has access to in ordinary reality. I perceived other planets, beautiful technologically advanced cities, alien worlds, weird natural formations, I’ve seen creation of stars, planets, galaxies, clusters and even bigger kind of formations which I have no idea what they were and don't even dare to speculate. After a while this got kinda boring and opened my eyes again. Apart from the tripiness of it all around me, guess what was on the table in front of me glowing with a white, light blue tinted aura? The 'Noble Eightfold Path' ring that I got from China. It has inscribed on it the eight Buddhist symbols and as far as I know it belonged to a Buddhist monk from Tibet. The weird thing is not that it was glowing. It was also communicating to me, not with language, but with a direct form of communication, and what it was repeating is 'ask the questions! ask the questions!'

I put it on my finger and suddenly 'the thousand petal lotus' bloomed under me. It was not made of matter as a normal lotus is made of. It was pure energy of all known colors, and colors I haven’t seen before, wonderfully woven and throbbing with the fabric of space-time itself. I realized that the meditation position I was in, was totally wrong. There was no way the different parts of the body could be at peace with each other because they were hurting one another by being twisted in fucked up and uncomfortable ways. So I started rearranging everything guided by the feelings I got from very slight and subtle repositioning. It took an eternity to finish this to the point where everything was in complete cooperation, but unlike the previous part with the visuals it didn't get boring because as I was progressing I was feeling deeper and deeper relaxation and blissfulness. When I was done, the whole chakra system just lit up. There was no 'one, then the other'. They activated, (though activated wouldn’t be accurate enough; they are there at all times whether I acknowledge it or not) all at once releasing and at the same time gathering immense quantities of energy and the reality ripped apart. There was only a multidimensional field of consciousness, the fundamental building block, creation and love itself producing the world moment by moment. Past and future do not exist. All there is, is here and now.

++++++

Slowly I got grounded again and on the coming down part of the trip I experienced tons of feelings in chaotic randomness and fast succession of the full spectrum. From raging fury, hopeless jealousy, utter loneliness, pure horror to absolute love, total happiness, compassion, centeredness often accompanied and most probably triggered by visuals. Though it might have been the other way around just as well.

++++++

Note: Thinking about it now, I don’t recall horniness being part of the emotional spectrum. It’s more like a command.

++++++

Now, another subtly interesting aspect of this is the fact that I was detached from the emotions. This could be interpreted as god just as it could be interpreted as bad also, depending on the emotion. For example, feeling the horror and at the same time being dissociated from it is quite ok. But feeling the love while still being dissociated from it is not an immersing enough experience…

CONCLUSIONS

Perception is *the* active process of creation that brings into being everything I thought I passively perceived. I experienced not being one with everything or interconnected with everything. I 'was' fucking everything! All there is, is me and I am all there is. The I in me is the same as the I in you or the it in plants, animals and objects. There is no front without the back, no foreground without the background, no light without dark no outside withought the inside. At his fundamental level not even nothingness exists and at the same time everything exists. This is the eternal now. Again, I can't stress this enough, the intellectual knowledge of this kind of existence has noting to do with the existence itself. It is part of it though, but it cannot express it just as language can't really express it either. Basically there is no final attainment, no final stopping place; the enlightenment business is not really what I thought it is because it just IS. The whole existence is enlightened in its totality. If that makes any sense... Being everything there is, it can express itself in every form. And it does. It does that because being just the big ONE gets boring eventually and it creates separateness so it can, from time to time, go back to that basic unity. Just as there is no male withought female, no good withought evil, no sacred withought the profane, there is no ONEness without the separateness. And then OW LOOK ! CHOCOLATE! and beautiful GIRLS! and LOVE! and MOUNTAINS! and AND!'

Exp Year: 2008	ExpID: 73747

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 23

Published: Mar 11, 2011	Views: 36,257

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2) : Entities / Beings (37), Personal Preparation (45), Mystical Experiences (9), Alone (16)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 100 ug
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (liquid)

		   T+ 0:35
		 200 mg
		 oral
		 Mescaline
		 (powder / crystals)

		   T+ 1:00
		 200 mg
		 oral
		 Mescaline
		 (powder / crystals)

		   T+ 3:30
		 1 hit
		 smoked
		 Cannabis

		   T+ 6:00
		 5 mg
		 oral
		 Pharms - Diazepam
		 (pill / tablet)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   155 lb

About Me:

In high school I habitually smoked marijuana, frequently consumed opiates and tripped a few dozen times on whatever was available (usually LSD, mushrooms or MDMA).  Looking back, I buried my grief, self-loathing and anger with heavy drug use.  I used psychedelic drugs as an escape from my feelings rather than as powerful tools for self-improvement; my attitude has since changed.  At the end of high school with the aid of my family and some encouragement from the state I went to treatment, and I remained sober for nearly 4 years.  During this time, I obtained a B.S. in chemistry.  I am now working toward a Ph.D.  As time progressed, I questioned whether I could responsibly use drugs.  I started drinking moderately and occasionally using marijuana, LSD and mescaline.  It has been two years since I made the decision to use again, and things seem to be under control.  I only mention this here because I feel it is important to understand the background of a person who is reporting a trip.

Preparation:

About a year ago, a bottle of methyl 3,4,5-trimethoxybenzoate arrived at my lab.  For several months I pondered how I would and whether I should make mescaline from this chemical.  Finally, over the summer I decided to take action.  I followed Makepeace U. Tsao’s 1951 synthesis of mescaline, but with a few modern improvements.  First, to form 3,4,5-trimethoxybenzyl chloride from 3,4,5-trimethoxybenzyl alcohol I used SOCl2 instead of concentrated HCl.  My second improvement was to use 18-crown-6 and KCN in DMF in order to form 3,4,5-trimethoxyphenylacetonitrile from 3,4,5-trimethoxybenzyl chloride as opposed to Tsao’s use of KCN in a water/methanol mixture.  Both of my modifications increased the yields.  Perhaps in the future I will submit my work to the chemistry archives.  The end result of my hard work was roughly 5 grams of slightly off-white mescaline hydrochloride.  The structure was confirmed by proton NMR and IR spectroscopy.

The Setting:

Over the course of the summer I tripped a half-dozen times on mescaline with amounts that varied from 200 - 450 mg.  In short, I was well acquainted with my new chemical friend by the time I took this trip.  In the last week of summer I went to a concert and I brought with me two 400 mg doses of mescaline.  My buddy J was at the previous night’s show during which he took some LSD.  He was camped out with about 30 people most of whom were complete strangers to me.  I don’t usually trip at concerts, or take multiple drugs at once.  Nevertheless, J and I each took some LSD and mescaline before the show.

-Note: only the drugs mentioned in this report were consumed.

The Trip:

6 pm: 2 hours before the show J and I each took about 100 mcgs of some liquid LSD that had been well tested throughout the summer by our friends.  [Erowid Note:
Claims of measured microgram dosages for LSD are usually unsupported. Quantitative measurements for LSD are very difficult to do and cannot be done casually. Without further detailed information about how the measurements were derived, it is reasonable to assume that most statements of microgram dosages of LSD on blotter or in microdots are either misinformed or overstated.]

T + 20 minutes: I began to notice the effects of the acid; it was nothing more than mild euphoria and an increase in energy.

T + 35 minutes: The trees were gently swirling and waving to me.  I could tell that I had taken enough acid to have a mild trip.  It was then that J and I decided to consume some mescaline.  We each took 200 mg to start.

T + 1 hour: As planned we each consumed another 200 mg of mescaline.  At this point, I was in an odd place halfway between tripping on acid and coming up on mescaline.  I was tense and anxious, but at the same time very much intrigued by the ground and trees.  Communication was easy, but I was altogether uninterested in talking.

T + 1.75 hours:  We went into the venue to find our places.  J had a seat in a different area than me so I sat with another friend K.  I was still stuck in limbo between two trips, but the tenseness of the mescaline started to subside.  Minor patterns began to flow through the sky, and everything was rippling with rainbows.

T + 2.25 - 3.5 hours:  Wow, wow, WOW!  The show began!  The music was explosive, but filled me with a peace I’ve never experienced before. I literally sat down in the middle of a crowded venue and meditated.  Occasionally, a caring stranger would tap on my shoulder and make sure I was okay to which I would give a reassuring smile.  This period of time was pure bliss.  My nerves rippled with energy.  Looking out over the crowd I saw an infinite pattern of rainbows from which dancing aliens would emerge.  The closed eye visuals were too intense to handle (or to describe).  I was quite lucid during this time.  When the set ended K and I went to the restroom.

T + 3.5 - 5 hours:  K and I found some new seats way in the back where I could sit down.  He pulled out a bowl and I took one hit.  Things really got moving after that.  My mind began to unravel.  All of existence began to unravel, and everything that ever happened came forth in one moment.  It all made perfect sense.  If I really tried I could tell you where I was.  My visions were out of control.  Everything became part of a galactic conversation taking place in my brain.  My life, freedom, individuality, and identity were held in front of a light for the world to examine.  I was engaged in full-on telepathy with everyone around me.  A battle was formed and I was at the middle of it.  Half the world despised me, and I was tortured with their persecutory thoughts.  The other half supported my right to exist, my right to be an individual, and to explore the universe in my own unique way.  My drug use, sexuality, life story, and spirituality were all exposed, and hotly debated amongst the crowd.  In effect, I was turned inside-out.  Of course, this was all WAY too much to handle.  I wouldn’t say I was having a bad trip, but I don’t want to understate how difficult such a position can be.

T + 5 - 6 hours:  By now I was thoroughly confused, and I had no idea which side of the conversation I was on anymore.  I tried to profess this to K, but I was truly unable to communicate in words what was occurring.  Moreover, the whole exercise seemed pointless as I already believed I was telepathically communicating with him and everything else in the universe.  To me the entire universe was in a state of metamorphoses; its true nature was beginning to unfold.  Everything began to slam together into one cosmic entity whose synthesis had been perfectly calculated eons ago.  I had discovered the formula that began this change; I was the catalyst.  The phrase “solving the world upside down” continually passed through my brain.

My thoughts really made no sense.  Words and phrases were jumbled and took on new symbolic meanings.  I desperately wanted someone to tell me what to do; how to change my life, to be a better person, and to find god.  Was I god?  Are we all god?  Is this new cosmic entity god?  I told K I had to go, and I took off running.  I assumed he understood what I was talking about, but I found out later he was quite worried.  I ran through the crowds.  When I arrived at the gates I panicked.  What to do?  I passed the first gate, and found myself stuck between the security at the first gate and the guy collecting trash a few hundred feet away.  I paced back and forth for a while then bolted passed the trash collector.  I spent the remainder of the concert wandering the parking lot trying to find someone to help me.  I talked to several groups of people.  They were all very kind, and tried to figure out what it was I needed help with.  One young woman tried dancing with me, and kept asking me if I could smile for her.  Another group of people told me that I should be a good person, respect others, and find brotherhood.  The cosmic struggled continued despite everyone’s best effort to help.

T + 6 hours: J and K found me after the show wandering the parking lot.  They asked me where I had been.  I told them I had discovered the formula to all of existence, and that I needed help figuring out what to do with my life.  They tried to get me to explain more, but eventually when I got distraught that they didn’t understand they just gave me a Valium.

T + 6 - 12 hours: The Valium calmed me down.  I reconnected with reality, and the cosmic struggle business subsided over the course of an hour.  I was still tripping pretty hard well into the night, but it was peaceful, and enjoyable.  I went to bed around 6 am.  I don’t recall whether I slept or not.

-It is worth noting that J also had an intense experience that in his own words was “the hardest he’d ever tripped”, but that’s his story to tell.

Retrospective Summary:

In retrospect, it was an irresponsible and foolish decision to take LSD and mescaline in a concert setting.  It is clear to me that these drugs have a cumulative effect greater than either alone.  This combination is definitely in the big-leagues of ego-dissolution, introspection and transformation.

It has been 5 months since these events transpired, and I now regard this trip as one the most important events in my life.  Looking back, it is clear to me that the cosmic struggle I experienced was the result of some major dissatisfaction in my life.  Central to this was my lack of belief in anything spiritual.  Actually, I had never even recognized that the desire to be spiritual was present inside of me.  I am now open to all things spiritual; this is an ongoing project.

On another note, I smoked pot twice in the first few months following this experience, and I ended up getting paranoid delusions that resembled this trip.  In both instances these delusions ended once the pot wore off.  Nevertheless, it has made me think twice about my ability to use psychedelic drugs.  For a while I feared I was becoming a schizophrenic, but things have since cooled.  I have no desire to trip again anytime in the near future.

Just thinking about this trip gets me quite agitated.  Nonetheless, I still feel that this was a worthwhile experience.  Something was missing in my life, and I now know what that was.  This trip really focused my desire to be a better person, and I feel that drive has not yet faded.  Many trips that are perceived as bad are just what happen when one finally confronts the shit that has been bothering them.  Yeah, it’s frightening and confusing, but if you accept the challenge it can be incredibly rewarding.

To the strangers in the parking lot: Thank you for your kindness.  I bared my soul before you, and you all showed me love; a rare event indeed.

Exp Year: 2010	ExpID: 88999

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 22

Published: Sep 28, 2011	Views: 55,445

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

Mescaline (36), LSD (2) : Combinations (3), Preparation / Recipes (30), Difficult Experiences (5), HPPD / Lasting Visuals (40), Cultivation / Synthesis (31), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)


		 DOSE:

		 10 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (liquid)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   210 lb

Well I didn’t think it was possible with the quality of most LSD I see these days, but it seems I finally achieved my lifelong goal of overdosing and completely flipping out.

It was a Friday night and my trusty acid dealer arrived with the small squeeze-bottle vial. Usually she laughs hysterically at the number of hits I want to take, telling me I scare her. This time however, she just looked concerned and said “this is supposed to be really good stuff. Are you SURE you want to take 10?” At this I replied that I was so sure and she proceeded to squeeze the drops onto my tongue. 1,2,3,4,5,6- ok swish around, then 7,8,9,10. With the usual hug and ‘have a good trip!,’ she left me to my usual –coming up on large amounts of LSD- antics. My especially active roommate was gone for the weekend, and so I locked myself in my room and watched the end of this really strange Japanese zombie movie called ‘versus.’ The time was 1:50pm

The LSD came on stronger and faster than I had ever experienced. Usually I wait about two hours, wondering if I got ripped off. This time I ate very little in preparation, and by the 25 minute mark things were seriously near the overwhelming point. The white walls became trillions of colors with a repeating pattern that looked like the symbol for a cold front over and over again. I have only gotten sick on acid once before, but the intensity of the come up left me curled up on my bed with my face in the comforter, rolling around to try to stave off the nausea. I’m sure some out there know what I am talking about- its no normal nausea, it’s inconsistent and comes in rapid waves. What was initially an ecstatic mood at getting what seemed to be excellent acid turned into fear- this was coming on way too strong, way too fast. I remember lying on my bed looking at the different sized whirlpools swirling in the drywall and thinking “Just hold on, motherfucker!” For some reason I kept conceptualizing the amount of time I had been waiting for this trip, and it seemed to be a very tangible ‘amount’ of days bathed in this dreary sunset light and it made me feel unbearably depressed so I tried to banish it from my mind.

By this point it was about an hour in and things were getting really intense. I looked at the underside of my hand and wrist and saw the veins scintillating and moving quickly like highways of ‘loading’ bars on the computer with the diagonal lines moving. The visuals were making me sick so I closed my eyes and saw this universe pattern with millions of different sized dots and stars made of different day-glo colors. It was all intensely beautiful but I felt too sick to appreciate it. I stood up to make my way to the bathroom to try to speed up the inevitable and found my balance was insanely off. I stumbled and almost fell over, then crawling over to my toilet and sitting cross-legged in front of it, cursing it for being so tall and not being usable with me in that sitting position because it was the only position I could think of at the moment. The visuals at this point were not as noticeable because I was looking around too fast to settle on something, and frankly was concerned with my survival more than the trip. I knew in the back of my head that no one has ever died from LSD itself, and so as long as I maintained some small measure of control and didn’t fling myself out a window or something I would be fine. It certainly didn’t feel that way though, I felt violently ill and my mind kept going back to how the current trip must compare to ergot poisoning. I kept trying to put on music to calm myself but it seemed loud and like it would alert my roommates that something was wrong with me so I kept turning it up then down, the mouse making ridiculously long trails on my computer screen. None of my usually fully memorized favorite songs and album titles made any sense, and I kept going in circles on iTunes trying to find something, all the while becoming more and more disoriented and frightened. I kept picturing paramedics bursting in my room and shoving tubes down my nose, and my parents crying and standing over my hospital bedside. A part of me said “no, I’m not going to let that happen.” Ironically my unstable window shades took this opportunity to come crashing off the wall and knock everything off my desk, making me trip over them in the process. Landing on my bed with low music playing, I laid there, trying to calm down and think what to do next to help myself. These strange sequences of action kept entering my head, like “ok turn down the music. Now lay on the ground. Ok now pull out phone. Now try to find headphones.” These very mundane actions helped me feel centered and not so totally freaked out. I fully expected either my roommates, the police, or EMTs to bust in my room any second. I kept thinking I was going to die, even knowing about the toxicity of LSD, and my mind kept flashing to what the last thing was I wanted to say to God to rationalize my short life. I stumbled to a notepad and started to write “mom-I love you” then crossed it out as it suddenly seemed completely random and trite. Was this really the last message I wanted to leave the world?  Instead I opted for printing in huge letters “HOLY SHIT” for some reason crossing the T at the bottom and making it look like an I. I was totally fucked up, the carpet was undulating and each object on my floor took on massive significance in what I thought to be the light of my last moments of life. Eventually I passed out on my bed for several hours when my crisis came to a pitch- I shut my eyes and tried to narrow my experience to the smallest amount of stimuli possible, focusing on my breathing. I guess this made me fall asleep because the next thing I remember was waking up around 6:00 pm, knowing the worst was over and thanking God and the spirits of the universe that I was alive and O.K. The trip was far from over, however, and the visuals were still going full force. My whitewashed walls were plastered with thousands of little amoeba shaped blobs each with numerous different bright colors contained within. I remember being stunned at the rainbows that seemed to form a halo around every object. By this time the sun had set, and turning on the lamps in my room sent cascades of crystalline light in all directions. With my totally ridiculous fear of dying past me, I was able to turn on my favorite music (A Japanese producer named Yasutaka Nakata) and enjoy the totally beautiful, ecstatic visuals that slowly died down, coming back briefly in waves until about 11 o’clock.

In retrospect, I never thought I would have an acid trip I wouldn’t be able to handle. I pride myself on my experience with psychedelics and voraciously read books, websites, anything I can about them and the experience we humans have with these substances. I was unprepared for the completely rapid and alien change my world went through in less than half an hour. I am mad at myself for freaking out, I contemplated calling 911 during the worst parts, and just imagining what could have happened had I done this sends shivers down my spine. A hospital is NOT where you want to ride out an acid trip. Reading this back to myself, I think “Why couldn’t I have just calmed down and enjoyed it??” At the time, this was impossible. My trip was like a freight train that gathered and gathered speed until I did the only thing I could-became unconscious.

I hope no one gets scared or chooses not to partake of LSD because of this trip report. I love lysergic acid diethylamide, it is an unbelievably wonderful sacrament that has been bestowed upon the human race, and I truly believe that a direct experience of reality, beyond labels or concepts, could push the human race off the destructive path it is currently on. But I am beginning to preach…

Exp Year: 2011	ExpID: 93659

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 20

Published: Apr 10, 2012	Views: 114,354

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2) : General (1), Difficult Experiences (5), Bad Trips (6), Music Discussion (22), Overdose (29), Hangover / Days After (46), Multi-Day Experience (13), Alone (16)


		 DOSE:

		 3 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		 220 mg
		 insufflated
		 Ketamine
		 (powder / crystals)

		   repeated
		 smoked
		 Cannabis
		 (plant material)

		 oral
		 Melatonin
		 (pill / tablet)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   160 lb

I had been amping myself up for a really epic dance party with an out of town house and techno dj at a local late night club for weeks. The day had finally come. My friend  T had never done acid before I recommended her to take it with me this night because we would be in the company of friends and the party would be going all night.

At around 10 pm I took 2 tabs and she had 1. We started to feel the giggles and the energy within our chests within around half an hour after, and that feeling prevailed with a hint of anxiousness for about another hour. We left for the party at around midnight, already feeling pretty high and getting a bit confused when leaving the house with regards to what to bring/wear.

The party was really dark, the only light coming from the large double projection behind the dj table. Sound was good. Maybe great, really deep bass and dynamic range. Pretty excited to see where this night is going. I start to notice the visuals when I adjust to the darkness. Mainly rainbow geometry, persian-like patterns and after image effects from the projections screens. I felt the usually tightening of muscles especially in my legs and knees. I tried to dance it out but after abut 45 minutes its obvious that I have to change into sneakers.

I decide to go home, which is very near. On my way out of the dark club I notice that It is hard to adjust to the light. Everything has a rainbow haze or aura around it and peoples skin is throbbing and my own hands look transparent like I can see the blood flowing through them. I run into a friend on my way out the door and he asks if I am alright, probably because I look very confused. I am just very sensitive at this time. Back at home me and my friend decide that the acid is feeling very nice and that we would like some more. I am feeling a little bored and that I may as well take it up a notch so I take another dose and she takes half and shares the other half with another friend, S.

WHAT IF I CAN'T GET HIGH ANYMORE?

Back in the club the music is a bit boring and I am waiting to get more into it. I talk with my friend who asked if I was okay earlier. I tell him that I am not feeling right, not happy. I say it may be becuse I had been doing ketamine casully throughout the day. The night before I had a serious panic attack/ breakdown and confessed that I thought I had a dependance on K and that I use it to get me through depression although I was scared that it just made it worse. He assured me that the anxiety I was feeling would pass and that the effects of LSD would outweigh any other residual sedative effects of Ketamine. I had a fear that I had done some damage to my mental chemistry and that psychedelics wouldn't have the same euphoric effect on me now. But I wanted to believe he was right and just then, one of my favourite old school acid tracks 'Jesus loves the acid' by Ecstacy Club came on and I started to work it. I remembered a recent experience on acid when I learned that physical excercise promotes the intensity of the visual and bodily high when I was running through the forest. I began to jack very hard and whip my hair about. Kaleidescopic ribbons flowed by my face and seemed to cascade through my body as well and it was very pleasurable. I realized that it was really up to me to make the best of this trip.

The club was very packed and there were many people with the clubbing-drunk and obnoxious vibe and I was feeling sensitive to this. Eventually they seemed to clear out around 2:30 and I was just getting higher.

The rest of the night just got better. The music just got better, the people got looser, the air got sweet with sweat and weed smoke and the crowd was working it very serious like, very hard. For the next two and a half hours I danced like I was having sex, like the pleasure of movement was giving me life and the music was fueling my power. I could feel the air moving out of the speakers and the space between the bass and treble was thick with vibration still. I was picking up on a very interesting and trippy stereoscopic sound effect. I usually experience a heavy presence of reverb as an aural hallucination while on acid but this was hard to define as a hallucination. I hoped it wasn't for the sake of the crowd because it was so fucking cool.

I did spend most of the evening enjoying my time solo, with friends coming up to me for brief periods and dancing with me. T came by later in the night and I asked her how it was going. 'Great! Amazing!' She looked nice and ripped, eyes all huge and juicy. I asked if she was getting visuals, thinking she may have not taken enough and wishing she could be seeing what I was. 'Yes! Loads! Its incredible!' she exclaimed. Ah, so relived I was! ' Man I am so happy for you! You are so lucky that its such a perfect environment for your first time! YAY!' And we danced extaticly.

When I went to the bathroom it was very bright and I realized how high I actually was. I could barely  see. Everything was vibrating in colour and pulsing in and out. I sat on the toilet and my skin just pulsed. I focused on myself in the mirror and danced with myself. There was a very distinct delay in my reflection and it was very convincing and amusing to do this! I usually freak myself out when looking in the mirror on drugs but I felt very attractive this time. My hair had been wet with sweat and then kind of dried in motion in lovely ringlets which cascaded in harmony with the frame of my face and shoulders. I look like a fairy! The most natural way I can look is the most lovely! This gave me the confidence to get back onto the dance floor and really work it.

It was during some intesely sexy and housey tracks that this great epiphany came to me: I have always been very in love with the nostalgia of the early rave era of the late 80s. The politics, the music, the drugs, the shear massiveness of it, the unity and the revolutionary movement it had. All the cliches are true. I was having such a great time I wanted to share it with someone else who looked like they would appreciate it. I saw some guy that I recognized from similar events in the past. I asked if he had ever took acid at a dance party. He said he did once but didnt seem that excited about it. I told him that I was really high and it was great! He reminded me that acid was a party drug before extacy. I told him that the harder I moved the more I tripped out and he laughed happily. And at this moment, jackin hard with my community of dance heads and good folks, I felt like I was truely a part of that movement, that it had transcended time. This was the best party ever!

Nearing the end of the night, after craving weed and smelling the sticky, sweet aroma cloud the club all night, I smoked a couple tokes of weed with my friends. t felt great and intensified the visuals a bit too, which I enjoyed. (Over all if didn't feel as though it was an overly significant contrbution though).

The last track ended with the whole club chearing and demanding and encore, but it would have been a bit inappropriate considering that the whole night was a singular, infectious groove and another track would have had to be selected for the purpose of an encore and I don't think that was expected. At around 5 am the lights began to flash on an off and soon the night was over. Everyone looked so hot and sexy like they had all participated in the biggest ever orgy! Not like usual, after a long night of partying on e. As we exited the club onto the streets we were shocked at what lay right in front of us. At first I though I was looking at a convertable parked on the wrong side of the road, then I began to see that it was a car that had the roof ripped off. it was in pieces, the trunk crumpled, the hood crumpled, the airbags out. The whole block in front of the club was taped off and cops and firemen dealing with the aftermath. It looked fake. The lights were bright and the street glittered with glass and colour reflected in the wet pavement. I felt guilty to see such destruction as beauty. There was a street sweeper up the block with its rear wheel blown off and the rim all bent. The car must have rammed it, rolled, and tore up in turbulance. The driver must be dead. I had this cosmic feeling that some destruction must happen in order for beauty to take it's place. I know that is kinda insensitive, but people die all the time, its just odd that it happened right then, right there.

At home it was obvious that me and my girlfriends were very high and were not getting to sleep any time soon. I think I may have never been this high on acid. It was in full force, even after 7 hours of the first dose. I had some ketamine and I was suddenly very excited to take some in combination with the acid.

THEN THE MAGIC REALLY HAPPENED.

I don't think I could have predicted what was to come. There are several factors in place that I belive contributed to the intensity of the next 30 minutes. My room is a trippers playground. I have taken lots of k in it and have made it very comfortable to do so. I had taken foxy once and made some videos of myself with photobooth on my computer with my mirror right across from it where I was convinced I was living in a fractal. I have also had some incredible experiences on acid in combination with medicinal nitrous oxide in copious ammounts which led me to believe I had seen 'death' or 'nirvana'.

I told my friends I was going to take some K and if then wanted some, they declined. In about 3 minutes after taking a line of about 50 mg,  I lost strength and fell on to my knees. the sedation was taking a hold very strongly, more than usual. In about 5 minutes I saw my hands shrink into children's hands. I have never experienced micropsia before but had read about in k trips. It was 100% convincing. Then my hands stretched out before me! And my room looked all distorted. The whole time I was relaying the effectd to S who was highly amused as she usually is with my drug experiences. I stand up and decide to document the happening with photobooth. I look over at her, across from me, sitting on my bed in the corner of the room. The corner where the walls meet becomes a new space, infinately deep, yet retains the edges. And the closeness of S remains as well, even though the space feels vast. I usually have the sense of the ceiling rising or myself sinking when lying down on K,  but this was way beyond that. I take another line, losing strength again. But  I manage to get up and look into the computer screen. It's very had to make out what is what. I can see myself but I am not really identifying with it. I know it is me, but its like seeing myself in a dream and remembering what Iook like, as opposed to recognizing my reflection. The mirror is there in the screen too. The music stops. S askes what is going on, meaning with me. I ask if the music has stopped. She puts her ear to the speaker. No, she says, its on. Listen. I put my ear to the speaker and there is another dimention in there. I really can't tell if I am hallucinating or not. Its pretty real. She convinces me its there. (It may be of importance to add that I found it very difficult to remember an artist and figure out how to play a dj mix by that artist, something that is easy to do usually. I couldnt really spell and his name was coming out all wrong. I was finally able to remember and told S and she figured it out) She says she has to go to the bathroom and leaves.

What happens now is really incredible. It is hard to remember in images what happened becuase of how synesthesiac the whole experience was. It would be incorrect to say that I  'saw' or 'heard' or felt' anything. It was more unified than that. What I experienced, anyway, was what I can only describe simply as travelling into myself. I was looking into the computer and any barriers that it had sort of disolved into a space through which I could travel. I faced myself and went in. I then looked away toward the door, wobbly at best and went through it. It was like entering another world. I saw my room mate P. He looked at me in amazement. My face said it all. I felt enlightened. I felt pure. I felt like I was touched by god. What I could see was so intensely psychedelic I belived anything was possible, like waking through walls or something. I picked up my hoola hoop, not completely convinced I had the motor ability to do it. (I usually don't on K but try anyways).

I began to hoola hoop smoothly. This was really something remarkable! My visual field separated in horizontal slices which then rotated independant of each other as I spun around with the hoop! The hoop itself extended far, far out and became huge and wide around me! I was flabergasted!  Ketamine has given me some intense visual distortions and I have tried many incrimental dosages, but the acid must have some added clarity that the K alone cannot offer. I stopped and my visual field slowly circled back and came together somewhat.  I stood there jaw dropped and tried to describe to P what I was seeing but he was just laughing! I suddenly remembered a time when I had a weather balloon and how trippy it was to bounce it when sober! I ran to my room to get a 3 ft baloon I had stashed. It was very confusing to find anything. After a while I found a smaller, clear balloon and it was very beautiful to look into it and the sound was interesting as well, but it was clear that the K was wearing off and I should redose. I went to my computer again to document another segment of the trip, knowing that it would be difficult to remember all of this. (Unfortunately I kept starting and stopping it and I feel I lost some valuable insights I had).

WORM HOLE/ SINGULARITY

I managed to put on a video by Matthew Barney that is very trippy and I thought S would enjoy it and it may stimulate me as well. I put it on an proceeded to cut up another 2 lines of k, maybe more like 120 mg total this time. I took a line and very shortly afterward fell to my knees and decide to lay down on the ground. S asked what was up and I remember saying that it was ' the essense of synesthesia, pure bliss.' I managed to get onto my bed. I looked at the screen. The image became a real fractal. I felt like I was in there, spiraling into infinity with the giant black dick that was part of the movie. I then had the sense to lay down beside S, because I knew that the K would paralyze me and I would be more comfortable this way. Looking at the ceiling, I could hear the familiar sounds of machinery and lubrication from the movie, but the visual field warped into these sounds. I had the most convincing sense that the sounds created the images I was seeing, that they were one. Then my body dissolved and I became one with it as well.

Up until this point I was doing a pretty good job at transcribing all of this to S. The last thing I described was a dark point I could see on the ceiling that looked real. Then I was too deep into it and it was too difficult or maybe impossible to speak. All of this was familiar to my previous experiences with K, but so much more vivid and intense and clear than I had ever known it to be. The ceiling had dimentions to it that were moving slowly and warping tubularly. The space here was very deep. I did not move my head. I don't think I could. I did not move my body either. There was no way to try. I definately have experienced this sensation before, S told me that it is the ketamine blocking the brains ability to sense the body. That it cannot read the body or tell it what to do. Soon enough, the tubular landscape turned into one tunnel and the hole at the end opened up to an image as I focused on it. It was a pool party with mens bums in speedos. What a bizarre thing to see. That was a little circle like a movie screen and then around it was a tube that reflected that screen, like a view finder or like looking through a kaliedescope.

This tubular vision was separate from a knowlede of self. It was as if I did not exist. I wanted  to tell S that I had become my environment through focusing on it, but nothing came out. Maybe for some time I did not even think. Two main past events have informed my ideas of what this tube could be. I had taken acid with medicinal nitrous oxide before and had experienced what I thought was death. It was not scarey, it was in fact the most pleasurable experience I have ever had. It was the freedom of body and the bareness of conciousness. Apart from memories and real thoughts, it was the most 'now' feeling I ever knew. It was bliss. I could identify with that experience now quite a bit. The loss of time and memories and body were similar. The nitrous was more explosive, like an orgasm, while the K was more gradually sensual and contemplative until the singular point. The other thing that I could relate to is a video that my friend R made of a black hole.

R studies physics and computer science and had used some software to program a visual  simulation that mathematically represents a black hole. It made me cry the first time I saw it because I was so sure I had seen it on nitrous oxide before. He also showed me images manipulated with the algorithms of worm holes, leading from one place to another and they look very much like what I had seen on K, just then. What does this mean? Did I really see a worm hole? Is that possible? Is it possible to travel through it if I had let go? Would I be able to leave my body once my mind I had detached from it?

When I was able to move again I told S that I think I had experienced Nirvana. She was happy for me. I don't actually know if that is what I had experienced, but the pleasure off lettiing go was so rich, it was like being reborn.

We were hungry and we left my room to make a snack. After that I sat down to think more about what had just happened. It was extremely difficult to sum it all up and relay back to S. I recall spurting out 'memories make things real.' She seemed to really understand this. She said she had a conversation about such a concept recently. I was thinking about the night before when anxiety over took me and I was trapped within my negative thoughts and ruminating on happenings of the past and fearing the future. In contrast, it made sense to me that when free from memories and bodity sensation, one is actually free, and that it made sense that this state was nirvana- like. But that it was also very real. I felt that it was possible to transcend this waking reality by letting go of the self, or the ego that is attached with memories.

Another important aspect of the night is the power of dance! I really feel like I danced away the blues! (I love cliches!) I do not think that the following trips would have happened on a clouded or negative conciousness, and that by dancing for many hours I was actually able to move the bad feelings and thoughts out and away from me and fill myself with possitive energy. When I 'traveled inside of myself' I came out feeling like a new born baby! I was vibrating with joy and rainbows! This was evidence that my mind was clear and free of the demons of the previous night. I am writting this largely due to the therapeutic aspect of the evening and I really hope to retain most of what I was able to learn here. This is not the first time I have had a 'rebirth' like experiece from taking LSD, and I haven't felt this good since the first acid/ nitrous trip a year and a half ago. In conclusion to that thought, it may be that I have to become deeply burried in worry over time to be able to feel so cleansed after the release. Hopefully It wont be so soon until this has to happen again, but at least I know it is possible to be cleansed.

I was able to relay to S another concept that I felt very strongly for as well. That in order for something to exist, it must have a bianary. I was trying to grasp the idea that without a sense of my surrounding world I began to dissapear, or at least my body did. There was no 'inside' vs 'outside' of me. As my physical appearance and body is the outside and my thoughts or conciousness are the inside. This was completely irrelevant. All the things about duality I have ever learned had significance in a new way, yin and yang, good and evil, life and death.

I feel now that my understanding of life is death. It is the experience of leaving the bodily dimension and entering a new and endless dimension of nowness. Infinity. This death is different from the death that we on 'earth' see when a relative passes away from us. The essence of life seems to lie within this balance of black or white or what have you. Only because I have had similar experiences to relate this one to, and because time has past since then and I have had a lot of time to think about it, can I feel this sure about how I feel now. I can't wait to try it all again and learn more!

AFTER...

The sun was coming up at around 7 or so and S went home. I took a couple tablets of melatonin and hoped it would help me sleep. I was exhausted. My body was strained from dancing and my head felt tight. Luckily I was able to fall asleep quite easily. When I woke up about or 6 hours later I felt crusty stuff on my face. I thought it was snot from the K that had dried but was shoked to discover that it was blood! I had quite a nosebleed. My nose was clogged with blood and snot. I felt faint and a bit nauseous. I layed down and my nose began to bleed. It bled lightly for a while, maybe a few hours. This I can definately attribute this to the K as I don't think I have ever had a nose bleed before and I don't think I have ever done so much K in one 24 hour period, (about a half gram). I wasn't worried though. T and I and some friends who were also at the dance party went and got lunch and took it to the park. It was a beautiful day and although I was totally wiped, I felt amazing. I went to sleep at 6 pm and slept until 10 am. Now I feel fine and my nose is clear as ever.

I enjoyed taking ketamine with LSD. If you enjoy either drug, they seem to compilment each other in a very interesting and complicated way. I enjoy the introspective aspects of K, LSD allowed me to go deeper and remember the experience more vividly. If you like the beauty and visual elements of LSD, K certainly takes them to the next level.

Exp Year: 2011	ExpID: 93660

Gender: Female

Age at time of experience: 25

Published: Oct 19, 2012	Views: 34,278

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

LSD (2), Ketamine (31), Cannabis (1) : General (1), Combinations (3), Mystical Experiences (9), Music Discussion (22), Various (28)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 2 hits
		 sublingual
		 LSD

		   T+ 3:30
		 1 tablet
		 oral
		 MDMA
		 (pill / tablet)

		   T+ 3:30
		 2 hits
		 smoked
		 Cannabis
		 (plant material)

		   T+ 8:00
		 1 tablet
		 insufflated
		 MDMA
		 (ground / crushed)

		   T+ 10:00
		 3 shots
		 oral
		 Alcohol - Hard

		   T+ 10:00
		 1
		 oral
		 Alcohol - Beer/Wine

MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND 2009

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

B: 26 y/o male, 5'10', 125 lbs

H: 28 y/o female, 5'5', 130 lbs

E: 26 y/o male, 6'0' 140 lbs

All participants maintain a strict vegan diet and are generally in excellent health.  This report is written in three voices with some amount of overlap in events.

PLAN:

Each person is to take 2 hits of LSD followed by 1 pill of MDMA approximately 3.5 hrs thereafter.

SET &amp; SETTING:

B'S VOICE:

I'd been curious about candy flipping for a number of years, but the opportunity to try the mythic combo had always eluded me.

One fine day in May, however, a lovely series of rather serendipitous events afforded me the chance to procure enough LSD and MDMA for myself and two others.   I related my find to a couple of wonderful friends who live out of town.  They expressed interest in trying the combination, and so that weekend I left Brooklyn for West Philadelphia.  I was somewhat aware that this combination may have a propensity for precipitating ++++-type experiences.

It's worth noting that I was involved in a rather traumatic bicycle accident about four weeks prior, which resulted in a broken clavicle and some nasty scarring.  I was mostly healed, but my skin was still pink around the wounds, and my shoulder still ached, though lightly.  In retrospect, I think that the psychological and physical impact of my accident had some effect on my experience.

I arrived in Philly on Friday evening and met H and E for dinner and a couple glasses of sangria.  We fleshed out our plans for the following day and chatted a bit about our expectations.  My sleep that night was somewhat restless.  We knew we were in for a ride.

The next morning we shared breakfast.  I ate lightly.

E's house is situated in West Philadelphia.  It is large, clean, and comfortable.  We were alone for the duration of the experience, and had collected a few little toys for the impending trip:  A tape recorder, guitar, sketchbook, markers, two stereos in separate parts of the house, and a large selection of music.

We each took two hits of LSD at 10:30 AM, about two hours after breakfast.

Within 15-20 minutes I felt the LSD making itself known.  My muscles trembled lightly, my breathing became deeper, I felt less talkative and somewhat anxious.  I slowly paced around the house, feeling the twinges of energy move through my limbs.  I remember chatting a little bit with my companions at this point, but I was more wrapped up in the rather unpleasant effects of the drug.  Coming up is always difficult for me.

H'S VOICE:

If, as B suggested at the outset, the LSD would make me anxious, I decided to quell the anxiety with tricks I've used before.  I focused on the guitar.  It makes time pass more quickly and allows me to forget myself.

Only five, ten minutes in, I felt it.  Some quivering in my wrist, and playing guitar (remembering chords and/or changing chord positions) became increasingly difficult as the seconds crawled forward.  I mentioned nothing at first to B and E but in my head I said: Damn.  This shit works fast!

I am about two or three inches in at this point and looking for non-verbal confirmation from either B or E.  [Enter Trope Number One: fear of being alone.]  E is slightly more energetic, and B is quiet. I have no sense that they are feeling what I am.  We decide to go to the store to pick up batteries for the tape recorder.  Nervous.

I snip a little at E, make fun of a neighbour, and laugh awkwardly at B's jokes.  Still nervous.  Previous experience with situations involving LSD return briefly and remind me that the beginning of a trip can set the tone for the entire thing.  [Enter Trope Number 2: Drug Experience of the Present Through the Lens of the Past.]  I would like to be more calm but the anxiety only feeds off itself.  The green of the trees is startling.  My stomach is feeling strange.

We walk inside the store.  I remember also how much easier it is to 'see' the effects of coming-up indoors (a house, store, wherever)  Our footsteps cause a mirror on the wall to shudder slightly.  Or does it?  The mirror is likely moving only inside my eyes.  At the counter I look at B.  His pupils are dilated.  Is he feeling what I'm feeling?  Probably.  Yes.  Get.  Home.  Now.

We get home and quickly put the batteries into the recorder 'before it's too late,' and make our first verbal entry on the tape.  We are all officially 'feeling it' at this point.

B'S VOICE:

The effects were continuing to build, but I was feeling a bit less anxious.  We decided to take a walk to a nearby park.  H grabbed a backpack, a couple of bottles of water, and we were out the door.  As we turned the corner, I noticed a voice in the back of my head suggesting that perhaps it was in my best interest to turn around, head home, take cover.  The park was crowded when we arrived.  I felt exposed.  I sat in the grass for a few short minutes before deciding to concede to that quiet voice in my head.  We walked back, meandering over the cracked sidewalks, broken glass, hastily discarded trash.

H'S VOICE:

B was insistent on bringing bananas.  I decided this was either because some chemical in bananas intensified the effects of LSD (and B knew this) or because we were going 'adventuring', no adventure being complete without 'provisions.'  Clearly, we weren't going to actually eat the bananas.  If my stomach was in knots at this point, so must be B's. [B's Note: It was because we were adventuring!]

On the walk I stumble once, maybe twice.  Did anyone notice?  I share B's anxiety.  We are not drunk, we are on drugs!  Everyday people not on drugs are passing us, perhaps wondering why our eyes are so big.  E asks to hold my hand.  Yes; my anxiety makes me feel especially distant, but then his hand feels very grounding and warm and safe.  I feel bad for B, travelling alone up ahead, our fearless, lonesome leader.  [Enter H Trope No. 3: Feeling Guilty that B Might Be Experiencing Third Wheel Feelings]

B'S VOICE:

Walking back, the birds sang a chorus with each voice perfectly focused.  I wasn't able to concentrate on any particular sound or call, but neither was doing so a necessity -- I was able to evenly divide my attention to each song and process them all in my head simultaneously.  A sort of reverse-cocktail-party effect.  How novel!

It was nearing 1:00 PM by this point. The effects of the LSD were still escalating, but I felt that the physical effects were smoothing out as my body adjusted my new chemistry.   We went to E's bedroom, where H &amp; E sprawled on the bed and I sat on a chair.  H picked up the guitar.  She played while E &amp; I sang along to a few songs.  Singing felt fantastic.  I noodled around with the guitar for a while and eyed the six little blue pills that we had planned to take.

H &amp; I commented on how our skin changes whenever we trip.  My hands age.  They appear veiny, wrinkled, boney, weak, arthritic.  I worried about what it will be like to be older, and how I'll manage to come to terms with aging.  I feel reasonably clear-headed, but things are visually rather, uh, impressive.

H'S VOICE:

What I saw in E's room: My skin 'aging' in and out, or at least the dark parts of my hand (shadows in the crevices, darker parts of skin) pulsing darker, then lighter.  The glow of the painting of the boat, the incredible blue of the sea there.  The ship 'coming towards' me, the soft billowing and white light of the curtains, watery music: it fed into the nautical theme I felt on and off all day.  The painting of the girl with blue hair on the wall, her hair reaching up and out of her head, then coming back down, some very pleasant Medusa hair.  Technicolor patterns on my skin, like moving tattoos or the script of a strange, Arabic-like language.  White light changing to a rose color, to a green, then blue, constantly in flux, like rainbow blood coursing through the vessels of what makes up the unseen of the world.  A small fresh scar on my arm, glowing bright, then dark red.  Also the hairs on my arm arching up and out, then back towards my skin again (like the Medusa hair, but on a smaller scale).

There were moments when I wasn't sure if I was asleep and half-dreaming, or awake.  Falling into the bed, then rising out when, slightly startled by the feeling, I darted my eyes open.  Touching doors that I might have seen in dreams.  Was the wall that protected the two worlds being broken down?  The dream world - the one that is always functioning subconsciously - and the world of mundanity, where we must reason and follow rules.  I believe there are protective boundaries created by nature to keep us humans safe, but a little more permeability just like this would be nice sometimes.

B'S VOICE:

1:30 rolls around and we each swallow one pill.  I take one or two small hits of marijuana from my bowl.

E'S VOICE:

Several themes occurred again and again: Energy, love, community.  As I began to climb on the LSD, I felt excited mostly, then energetic.  A minute behind B, I remember feeling anxious only briefly.  The climb, I had already been assured, is mildly unpleasant for many.  I would have to agree, and for a bit I found myself moved to separate from the group.  When my mental state changes, I have noticed an increasing propensity to being alone.  I felt sad, the failure of the back yard, the failure of the park, unable to provide my friends a good close place to rest our heads and enjoy our freedom.  I felt more alien and out of place then liberated.  But as it straightened out - and before the pill kicked in -  I began to notice the wonderful measures of light linking from object to object.  Enjoyable patterns emerged, I felt child like, immersed in colors; any subject with in itself no longer important, but the patterns that made up the subject intrigued and tantalized (i.e. the ink and colors of Calvin &amp; Hobbes, the visuals of the Of Montreal - Satanic Panic in the Attic poster, the faint light coming through the window)  Novelty breeds pleasure, happiness, fascination.  I needed to see where this would take me.

B'S VOICE:

Shortly after taking the pill, E moved downstairs to be by himself.  H &amp; I sprawled out on the bed and chat a bit, but we mostly stay quiet to explore this novel headspace and await the effects of the MDMA.

As the minutes pass, I notice additional alerts.  A gentle wave of warmth and euphoria washes over me, and the visual characteristics become sharper, more electric.  Rainbow-static-vortexes wash over the ceiling.

I look at H. H looks back.  Her expression is unmistakable and we each know what the other is feeling.

We rush downstairs.

'E!  The MDMA works!'

E was laying on the sofa in the living room.  We greet him and tell him that we are both feeling the effects of the MDMA and that it is pretty fantastic.

E'S VOICE:

It is a faint rush, a sudden twinge of worry that too much has been downed that suddenly bursts into overwhelming joy and understanding that all is right in the world.  In the space in between there is a falling away.  The eyes close and the world drops - or more accurately, I slipped from the world, knowing full well it was there but that its rules no longer applied to me and my mind was free to explore at will.  With my eyes closed, the patterns in my 'sight' had intensified far beyond a mere hour earlier and as I opened them the world was not there but simply the fractals of light flowing through beautiful dark empty air.  I double checked, needing to make sure my eyes were open - they were.  I saw what I saw with my eyes open as I would like one fully asleep in a dream.  I double checked for extra dimensional creatures.  Silly perhaps, but I called out to them having heard B mention them from DMT experiences.  I wanted them to be there, but it was only my own voice that rang back at me as I mentally announced my presence and invited others to come join.

The patterns began to be replaced - how long did it take? Not more than ten or fifteen minutes I would guess - by the euphoria and joy of love.  All the rough edges were completely gone, smoothed out into an angelic serenity.  The room had returned to it's normal state, furniture intact, me physically laying on the couch.  I felt very connected to H &amp; B and missed them.  As I moved to join them they came down the stairs.

'E! The MDMA works!' said B.  We hung out; it's all a bit blurry in my mind, though wonderful.  I enjoyed a few more minutes to myself.  At some point H and I went upstairs to my room to explore physically, but we wound up mostly just talking in between kisses.  We spoke honestly and openly about our relationships, the wonderful stuff along with the pressures we felt we faced.  We started to miss B and we also suspected - somewhat accurately I believe - that if we were to go down the path of intimacy too far we might never come back.  We made a few notes into the recorder.  I remember how amazingly lucid I felt even with the joy of the MDMA running through me.  A fascinating combination of the openness of alcohol but remaining completely articulate though certainly very high.

H'S VOICE:

I remember looking out the window and thinking, 'We can't leave now, we're too effed up.'  I felt trapped.  The green of the trees looked so organic and inviting (MDMA for me had briefly kicked in, then retreated slightly, I think) but I wasn't allowed to go outside and enjoy them.  I wondered to myself if this is what crazy people feel, an interior experience so bizarre when described, it's best to keep it to oneself and avoid contact.  Likely a picturesque moment with my hand lifted to keep the curtain to the side, watching the outdoors with furrowed brow.  I related the sentiment to B.  But then suddenly, intensity took him and, even for me, the music grew incredible.

I really loved how lucid we sound on the tape recording.  I love how the mind is clear and unfettered by insecurities and 'ummms' and 'uh, well...' and so on.  To speak was to explain honestly.  No games, minds open, sentiments flowing freely within the friendship triangle of E-H-B, B-H-E.

B's VOICE:

The floor was rippling bit.  The rugs shifted.  The curtains moved in the breeze despite the closed windows.  I sat on a rug in an alcove near the front of the house and closed my eyes.  The clarity of thought was astounding; my every thought resounded in a single voice instead of the usual cacophonous choir of doubts and contradictions.  And if I wanted to quiet my mind entirely, I could do so at will.  This deep state of meditation was intense to the point that it was nearly frightening.  It was too easy to simply forget that I existed in the physical world at all.  Vibrant greens and blacks filled the vast void behind my eyelids.  I opened my eyes when a tentacled thing cut its way through my visions and pushed the fractals aside like curtains.  It was all a bit much.

I found H in the dining area.  We sat across the room from one another, in absolute awe of the music.  Mum - Finally We Are No One was playing through the stereo.  H suggested we try to sing, so we sang along with the music and it felt like light was coming out of my chest and meeting with the light coming out of her to mingle and harmonize in the air between us.  I could visualize the waveforms.  I was amazed.

H and I grabbed a tape recorder with the intention to record our singing, but quickly forgot about doing so.  The boundaries between self and non-self were rapidly crumbling and I felt that an uncontainable well of bliss / empathy / love / unity / oneness was erupting inside of me.  The empathogenic qualities of the MDxx merged with with the ego-destroying effects of the LSD and the result was this state of feeling empathy and love for everything in the universe.  This was the ++++ experience I'd accidentally stumbled across several years prior.  I was there again.  It was more than I could take, and I was utterly overwhelmed with gratitude for existing at all, for having the opportunity to experience the beauty of existence, to know what it was just to be here, anywhere, to exist at all was a gift that I did not deserve and could never repay.  H and I hit record on the tape recorder.

You can hear me get a bit choked up.

I felt more sober than sobriety, everything was more real than it ever was before.  I remember picking up a pen and seeing the electric trails follow my hand, words writing themselves without a writer, energy flowing out of me and into me, everything completely at one with everything else.  I remember feeling that love of this profound magnitude must be at least the sum total of the experience of having a child, to feel love to have made a thing that you would happily -- happily -- give your life to.

I'm not sure for how long the plus-four part of this experience lasted, but at this point things went downhill a bit.

E &amp; H expressed a desire to explore each other, and I agreed that they should.  This was fine with me and I felt happy for them as they departed for E's bedroom.  I moved to the sofa.  I started thinking of my girlfriend in Brooklyn, someone I had known for a long time but had only recently become sexually involved with.  I watched myself find my cell phone, turn it on, and call her.

She picked up.  I told her that I loved her.  I had never told her this before. The fact of the matter was that I did love her, but also that this was a profoundly inappropriate time to be saying so.  I told her I had taken two hits of LSD and one tab of MDMA.  I very quickly realized what I had done and felt extremely embarrassed.  Before we said goodbye, she told me to take it easy and told me that the last time I took LSD it seemed to last a very long time... 'seemed like it never ended,' I think were her exact words.  Things really took a negative turn here.

E'S VOICE:

We return.  B had called his girlfriend and told her he loved her for the first time.  Though it appears this is harmless in retrospect, at the time it couldn't help but weigh on our minds.  It was not a good decision, but on the other hand what's done is done and there are many many worse things to say to someone.  We move on, though it is an added concept that is filled in the back of my head.

There is music played, mostly H, sometimes B, some singing.  The Mountain Goats mainly.  I've already forgotten which song specifically - someone list here if remembered.  [H's Note: The name of the song is 'Linda Blair Was Born Innocent'.]

At one point B says he understands why these drugs are illegal.  The more time I have to reflect on that idea and on my own emotional state, I'm not so sure.  It in fact strikes me that if one could modify these drugs so that they were much like cigarettes  -- harmful over the course of a life time and intensely addictive -- a government could easily control an entire population, enslaving it in much the same way as in Brave New World.  As I walked through the rain today, I was forced to ask myself:  If I was able to access that mindstate as easily as picking up a pack of cigarettes after a day's work, would I choose, quite voluntarily, to become a slave?  It's a scary thought, and it makes me worry about the joy of what we have felt.  Perhaps it's my personality, but after several days of total sobriety I can't deny that I miss it and want to repeat it -- at times almost urgently.  It is controllable, completely, but the desire is there and I suspect will remain until time works its magic and the memories fade.

B'S VOICE:

Time was already moving strangely.  I wasn't sure what had happened already and what hadn't happened yet, which is an awkward way of saying that time seemed to be moving backwards and forwards.  I remembered that I had taken LSD at least ten days prior. I could not, however, figure out what happened in the intervening ten days.  With what my girlfriend said on the phone about it lasting a long time, I started thinking that I had taken LSD ten days ago and never come down, that I was still high... and how long had I been in Philadelphia, anyway?  Wait.  How old was I?  How long has this been going on?

I got worried.

E and H returned and we all went to E's bedroom together.  I noodled with the guitar, but I didn't really know what I was doing.  E or H asked me how long I had been playing, but I didn't understand how I was supposed to interpret the question:  A while.  Never.  Presently.  I remained mute and shifted my head side-to-side and shrugged.  There were more questions.  Words simply escaped me.  I was not sure if I was usually able to speak...  And who were E and H and how long had I known them?  Why were they asking me all of these questions?  Were they trying to coax words out of me?  And again, what happened in the intervening ten since I last took LSD?

I got paranoid.

I believed -- and I use the word 'believe' in a very loose sense, because these beliefs were qualitatively different from other beliefs -- that E &amp; H were sort of paternal figures for me.  I wasn't sure how old I was, but I seemed to think that I was quite young and generally incapable of speaking, and that E &amp; H were trying to help me learn to speak.  But for all of their questions, I either had no opinion, or no words, or believed that there was a 'correct' answer and that I was being 'tested.'  The idea of being tested frightened me.  I noodled with the guitar and tried strumming certain chords in order to try to convey what I was feeling.  It was a relief to have the guitar as a sort of nonverbal outlet.

And I could sing.  H played the guitar and I sang along a bit.  This felt good and was indeed very grounding, but real verbal communication was too much.  In short, I was frightened and confused, did not know where I existed in space or time, and couldn't comprehend how the events of the previous week led up to me being in Philadelphia.  Additionally, I had no idea how long I had been high.  It could have been years.  I had no reference points.  I was lost.

I tumbled through various delusions in my own head about who E &amp; H were, who I was, why we were together in this place, and how long we'd been here.  My broken clavicle no longer ached, and so I thought I was an opiate addict since a drug had taken away the pain.  I was asked to read a comic, and so I thought I was illiterate.  When I was coaxed into answering simple questions, I thought I was mute.  I was provided with water and so I believed that I only drank water and didn't eat food.  I experienced a complex delusion of alcoholism, wherein my concepts of alcohol and water became interchangeable, and I believed that my perception of the liquids was incorrect, and that whatever procedure I was presently being made subject to was in order to cure my alcoholism.  I saw the scars on my body from my recent bicycle accident and worried that I had inflicted this harm on myself intentionally.  I remembered the accident.  Had I crashed on purpose?  The thought was (and upon reflection, still is) terrifying.  I knew that there was something very wrong with me, and that we were conducting an intensive psychoanalysis that forced me to delve into my subconscious mind and into this world I was inhabiting but couldn't understand.  Most of all, I felt like I was a child and that E and H were here to try to help me.

Eventually, the effects began to wind down, my delusions ceased, the fear subsided.  I regained the ability to speak.  I was no longer a child.  And despite it going against the plan, I kind of wanted another one of those blue pills.

E'S VOICE:

This intimacy with others lasts and stays powerful.  Though we are coming down, I still feel a sense of closeness and relief to have touched on something so beautiful.  Towards the end we are lying on my bed.  B suggests doing a second one.  We agree.  Later after I have snorted a part of a pill - a perfect definition of the word unpleasant or simply foul - off my 'learn guitar' book I realize that I do not want more of this, that it is time to even out a bit.  It is perhaps a mistake to be the odd man out as B &amp; H both finish their other pills.  I am coming down and it is happening fast and hard.  Too quick for me to even realize until it is too late, I feel myself exposed, overly so, despite one being my lover and the other a long time friend and confidant.  As they are rising again, to a less intense degree, I am shutting them out and losing myself in my own mind.  For a while I cannot speak except to offer the occasional reassurance that I'm fine and well, which is true. I feel jealous of their state but also relieved to be in my own head again.  For a while I am happy to follow them in body while my mind begins to categorize, sort, search, and make sense of all that has happened to it.  I feel awkward but not terrible.  B and H are both very kind to me as I slip further and further out of it.  I am not use to such intensity nor did I realize how much I would like it.  I feel the need to pull back, a feeling that remains for several hours.

H'S VOICE:

At some point, B and I discussed how having experiences like this with other people [especially when a little younger than now] opens a door that may or may not be ready to open.  Deep connections are made.  They remain, though time passes and people grow apart.  A giant hole in space opens, a golden marble is accidentally dropped inside: then the hole closes, the point of gold (the bond) remaining.  I had friends and relationships like this in college.  I don't necessarily regret them, but they certainly weren't naturally deep -- the opening of the senses through drugs made them pre-emptively intense, and permitted them to exist longer than they ought to have.

E'S VOICE:

While I'm spacey, we head out to H's place to change the environment and hang out with her cat.  I stay quiet and withdrawn; once again it does not come from a hostile place but the need to be emotionally alone for a bit.  I don't remember too many details: B &amp; H left to smoke cigarettes, I stayed, we all went out to the front porch to enjoy the cool night air, and finally headed back to my place.  We stopped by Dock Street first to fill up a Growler with beer.  B and I hang out, he offers to talk.  I assure him I am fine.  After we go home, they pour some beers and I head upstairs.  I don't have any beer -- my abstinence here turns out to be a fantastically terrible choice.

In my room with the door locked I am finally alone and face many personal demons -- items that for now will stay private.  I light some candles and turn on music, working my way through these very sudden and very strong feelings.  They come in waves, exploding and retreating.  B &amp; H both stop in to comfort.  I push them away for a while longer.  H finally comes in, but I have no words for her at the moment.  I am disconnected and lost.  She is sad - I am empty.  I go downstairs for a drink and to see my roomies.  I down three shots of frozen vodka and a lager Black &amp; Tan.  Ten minutes later the alcohol is working its way through my system and rapidly cutting away the emptiness.  Warmth and endearment begin to set in, along with a sense of empowerment.  No longer a victim of circumstance, I'm able to finally pull myself together enough to relate to others again.  I'm impressed by the power of the booze, it really made me feel okay.  H and I talk a great deal.  Eventually I swing by B who is near asleep to offer my apology for being so far away.  Laid back, he appears calm about the whole situation.  With H I smoke the best tasting cigarette of my life -= an unfiltered.  D'oh.  I quit over a year ago.  Totally worth it though.  Then, sleep?  I'm not sure if there was any intervening events, the last one I really remember is smoking that cigarette.  Possibly we drank some more beer, but then off to bed for a much needed sleep.

SIX DAYS LATER:

B:

Sunday and Monday were been rough, largely dominated by an unspecific sort of anxiety, an antsy boredom to do something/anything.  By Tuesday, things had levelled off and I was left with a fantastic after-glow, general feeling of confidence, a feeling that I had a deep understanding of myself.  I'm not afraid to offer advice or speak confidently.  Everything feels right and good.   I feel as though my life had previously been riding on rails, and that a possibility for dramatic change for my future has opened.  This doesn't feel entirely comfortable.  I'd say that my life in the months prior to this experience were 'comfortable.'  Now I feel like I'm on a mission.  It's good.

I would be curious to repeat this with bk-MDMA instead of the mystery street pills I'd acquired.  I think the more grounded character of bk-MDMA would be a fantastic complement for using LSD in this sort of setting.  I would also probably lower the LSD dosage to 1 hit.  I was overwhelmed.  I would also keep valium on hand, and would probably abstain from smoking marijuana, at least until things have pretty much tapered off.

Incidentally, I have not felt the desire to drink alcohol since this experience.

H:

This past week I have had very little urge to drink - I have had a great urge to stay sharp and busy.  I've felt great warmth for my family and friends but my dreams are often nightmares, or very vivid and desperate.  Things that give me joy are particularly joyful: today my bike ride to work stimulated just like the old days.  I can't help but sense, however, that my engagement with these elements of my life is a willful distraction.  From what, though?  And is this mere residual gratitude from the drug or a real change?  Some pockets of emptiness will strike me at moments.  Overall, however, I feel more confident &amp; interested in engaging strangers---something I don't typically do with consistency.  I am struck also by the lack of art in my life, something B and I discussed in E's room after our peak.  A thing I ought to remedy, but not sure how.

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 79281

Gender: Not Specified

Age at time of experience: Not Given

Published: Jan 7, 2012	Views: 49,608

[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ]
[ Switch Colors ]

Alcohol (61), MDMA (3), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Relationships (44), Glowing Experiences (4), Combinations (3), General (1)