		 DOSE:

		 25 mg
		 oral
		 4-HO-DET
		 (powder / crystals)

		   repeated
		 smoked
		 Cannabis

		   repeated
		 inhaled
		 Nitrous Oxide

		 LSD

This is a trip report that I've been meaning to officially upload, one that I wrote a little over a couple of months ago. I didn't write down the times of dosing at the time so I can't give solid numbers on when each dose was taken.

-----

Soon my schedule isn't going to allow me to trip very frequently and when I do it probably won't be in as perfect of circumstances as I can have now, so I've been wanting to make the most of the time that I do have left. For this evening, I decided to take about or a little over 25 mg of 4-HO-DET. I wanted the beginning of this trip to be everything already prepared and easy for me, so the first thing that I did is fill up two balloons of nitrous oxide until they were full and clipped them so that they wouldn't shrink. Then I ate the powder whole and washed it down with some water and pretzels, and finally I loaded myself a bowl of cannabis and hopped in the shower.

In the past I've found 4-HO-DET to be one of the most intriguing psychedelics that I've tried. When I was growing up, I was always interested in learning how to modify the reality that I was faced with.... I started with learning about computers so that I could mess with the video games I was playing. In middle school I actually met this kid just a bit older than me who I thought was clearly some kind of genius; he could do things with this one online game that we were playing that I had never even dreamed of being possible through hacking, and he and I actually became good friends and he taught me and introduced to others who also taught me many things about programming and reverse engineering. After that I took a 3D modeling course during the summer and then started actually trying to write my own programs in high school, including taking computer science classes. I found the idea of having my own domain where anything was possible to be exhilarating. During this time I also had my first lucid dream completely by chance, and some friends and I even had our own private server for an online game for a while in which we just went completely crazy and flew all over the maps and summoned huge monsters to cause chaotic destruction and just had all kinds of fun constantly bending the physics of the game. At the same time as all of this too, I was just constantly researching the mind and human and animal psychology.... I had been doing that in my free time since at least middle school.

I think all of these things that I've mentioned were key to leading me to be so excited about hallucinogenic drugs. I was already incredible pumped about lucid dreaming once I realized that you could live out any of your wildest fantasies in that way, but I truly found psychedelics to be even more interesting.... I felt like psychedelics just put the processing power of your mind even higher than dreams, and plus they allowed you to modify your perception of reality in realtime while awake, which to me always feel more meaningful than experiencing something in a dream. Nonetheless, I also got myself into an on-and-off habit of lucid dreaming that sort of ran its own unique time course but was still parallel to my use of psychedelics and other hallucinogens, and I credit this at the reason that I was able to dive so deep into and gain so much control over both of them. Expanding my awareness of my mind and how my hallucinations work helps both of these states equally of course. I should say too that I've always had sort of a set idea of how to work my control.... Another thing that I was really into while growing up was just getting lost in all sorts of abstract fantasies, and there were some consistent themes throughout these. One was that they often followed dark magical themes involving things like demons, insanity, and witches, and the presentation of different magic forces in my imagination being invoked was typically just intense and over the top. I liked just throwing things around in my imagination and causing huge explosions and complex magical patterns filled with abstract hieroglyphics and such because I felt like it was training both my control of my imagination and my visualization capabilities.

With that in mind, one of my longest lucid dream goals has actually been to get to myself to a point where my dream body just kind of by default materializes in the witch form. Whenever I use powers too, I tend to cast them like magic and focus on things like flying, elemental control, and summoning. It's all just in good fun, but I think that having such a set idea of what I want has really helped move me to the point of having as much control as I do now.... So, generally when I take any psychedelic, as long as it's a decent enough dose, I see some hallucinations of humans in at least some way. I feel like each individual psychedelic sort of has its own personality, and that vibe meshes with my own personality to effect the kind of mindset I have during the trip, which alters the kinds of hallucinations that I get a bit from my normal imagination. As I've mentioned before, my visuals consist almost solely of female entities in erotic outfits, but they can still change considerably in style from one trip to the next. Most psychedelics cause this powerful euphoric delirium in me which tends to make the imagery all very cosmic and divine, and also very romantic or sensual in theme. LSD has always been a noticeable exception to this for me, as even though it is incredibly euphoric, the trip always felt like it had this dark and down to earth edge to it. And I don't mean dark in a bad way either, because as I said I had those kinds of interests while growing up and still do.... There's an aspect to this dark part of the trip as well which feels like causes this sort of delirium which, much more so than the mental effects I get from most psychedelics, feels like it's based more so on my regular thought process, and it causes it to start replacing my external reality. It actually starts to feel like my visual field completely breaks apart into entities' arms reaching out at me, and the more overwhelming it becomes, the more I get pushed into a realm where literally anything becomes possible.

On LSD, this intensification of the normal cognitive realm has a very curious effect.... I feel like one of the things that makes LSD unique is the fact that while it does strongly inhibit ego functioning, at the same time it's also incredibly rewarding, which allows that primal part of you that does remain to become enhanced and confident and in control. I feel that it's because it puts so much focus on that reinforcement that, for me anyway, the trip actually becomes pretty heavily focused on my perception of myself, which can change considerably during the trip. When the feeling of pure ecstasy is given into, I tend to even feel that there is no difference between my body and subconscious's conditioned idea of peak physical beauty.... This is something that actually helped me to get over a lot of issues that I used to have when I started tripping. Because my own self image is part of the hallucinogenic experience as well, the abstract erotic outfits that I normally see on other entities are also perceived as being on myself; however, this has always been conceptual rather than physical even if I was hallucinating it quite vividly over my normal body. LSD is also very human.... While the concepts do get quite bizarre, they never make me feel like anything more than just a very confident person.

So, there is a reason that I'm covering all of this, I swear.... On 4-HO-DET I get much of the same grounded feeling, but even more so than LSD, but without the reinforcing feeling. In fact, it may be the least reinforcing psychedelic I've ever used. I actually describe it as tripping while sober... but somehow, still tripping hard. Though it lacks the focus on my self image that LSD has, it makes up for it being a far more powerful hallucinogen, and still quite delirious, even causing my perception of reality to become overwhelmed visually in much the same way. Also, even though 4-HO-DET feels even darker to me than LSD, it still retains many fantasy elements that LSD does not for me, and the feminine imagery I see tends to have a strong feeling of that dark magic, witches and sorceresses and the like, all very seductive and lustful.... This is what has placed at pretty far at the top of the list of my favorite psychedelics, along with LSD.

So, in the shower I could feel the 4-HO-DET kicking in, but it wasn't feeling overly strong. This was my first time taking it with some recent tolerance from tripping the previous week, so I had been a bit worried that it might not be up to what I was hoping for. When I turned off the water and dried myself off, I smoked some of the cannabis that I had prepared in the hopes of bringing it out a bit, which helped slightly. Afterwards I decided to go use the nitrous oxide that I had prepared to see if that would help really kick off the trip. It did make me feel very relaxed and a bit trippier for a bit, but it seemed like this experience was going to have some trouble launching.... It occurred to me that this was also my first time taking 4-HO-DET after being awake all day, and I was starting to wonder if the fact that it's so strongly based on my normal thought process rather than speeding it up and altering it might backfire on me when I'm tired enough that I don't really have much of a normal thought process. I was getting visual hallucinations similar to what I'm used to from it too, but they were weaker and more transparent in style, and they didn't seem to be stable enough to build up to anything. I could tell that there was genuinely something there though, and I really didn't want that dose to go to waste....

A thought entered my mind, that I could take another psychedelic on top of this that I know would work as long as I did it quick enough before too much tolerance set in, and then it would just be like tripping on that but with borrowed elements of this experience. The only one I have that I really felt comfortable with though is LSD. I was having a little bit of physical tension going on and I was afraid from reading around that 4-HO-DET might raise blood pressure, so I was a little hesitant too because I wasn't sure what mixing a high dose of LSD with that might do because I've honestly never heard of anyone using this combination before and I already haven't been feeling at my healthiest lately, but around two hours after my original dose I figured that I didn't have much time to wait anymore and I had pharmaceuticals that could help with any dangerous symptoms if they occurred, so I decided to take what probably amounted to two or three hits of LSD. An hour after that I could tell that it was taking effect, but I was worried that it wasn't going to reach a high enough intensity to make something of the lingering 4-HO-DET trip.... Not wanting even more of my supply to go to waste, I took a strip of LSD worth at least another few hits.

During this time I had still been smoking more cannabis, and did a couple small balloons of nitrous oxide while taking this LSD to help bring things out some more. It wasn't until about half an hour after my last dose that I started to get some pretty heavy time dilation though, and it was at that point that I knew that I had finally succeeded in turning this into a more worthwhile experience. Just before this I had also taken a small dose of benzodiazepines just to add an extra safety net for the physiological effects, and it was seeming to successfully reduce any considerable body load and relax me into the trip even more easily without detracting from the experience at all, which was great. I decided to load another full balloon of nitrous oxide, and was ready to dive into it at just under an hour since that last strip. What followed was one of the most intense things I have ever experienced in my life.... Normally, when I trip there is this sense or urgency or needing to 'take things all the way', like my whole trip is a build up to that point and then finally things become incredible.... Almost without fail, a full balloon of nitrous oxide can take me to that point, and I know exactly what it happens because up until then I will feel like it's hard for me to vocalize as much, but as soon as I hit that point I burst into completely unrestricted laughter, and from that moment on the trip is nothing but euphoria. That happened from this particular balloon which was like the true start to the experience, but it went so much deeper even than that....

Whenever I've been using nitrous oxide on psychedelics, there's been a specific kind of trip that I get from the combination which seems to pick up exactly where it left off after each time. It will be like suddenly my mind will be sent into chaos and I will experience an extremely vast amount of thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behaviors, all at once. In fact, I'm starting to feel like each time this happens it takes me to a point where it feels like no time has passed since the last time I was in that place, which along with the increased amount of information to take in gives it an extremely believable feeling of having the trip last longer and longer with each time, even though I'm only dissociated for the same span of time with each one. It truly feels as though I am stretching further and further into eternity. So, these concepts which nitrous oxide allows my brain to cycle through rapidly become more and more complex, and because of the hallucinogenic potential of the psychedelics I'm on, they become represented vividly in all of my senses as well, no matter how completely insane or illogical they might be, or how realistic.

Somewhere in that eternity I experienced the similarity dualities of heaven and hell that I've seen on nitrous oxide and LSD before, but this was even more real. I was completely unthreatened by the hell, but the heaven I allowed to wash over me, and I felt as though I was isolated in a cosmic cocoon in which every aspect of my perception was just completely perfect, completely satisfied, no worries or care or needs or anything, just complete bliss.... Further down in this infinity though was what really blew my mind.... All psychedelics tend to have some basic color schemes for me, having full spectrum visions but always having a few dominant colors stand out.... LSD has very dark neon colors closer to the blue end of the spectrum, while 4-HO-DET has vibrant thick colors closer to the red end for me. However, the way that this nitrous oxide experience ended was that suddenly I saw every color of the rainbow in complete vividness, all cycling through each other around a point one at a time, until they hit black and white which paradoxically existed simultaneously, and suddenly my reality snapped and I felt as though I was perceiving colors that don't even exist. One I only vaguely recall which might not be exactly right was one which I think was like a white, a green, and a red all at the same time, and there were two others I distinctly recall describing as a reddish cyan and a blueish magenta.... I should note that neither of these colors seemed close to purple in any way.

So as I said, I came out of that with a burst of euphoric laughter. The transition into ego loss always feels quite orgasmic for me, especially on nitrous oxide.... I was left in this just completely satisfied and immobilized state for a few moments while I regained my breath, and in that time the real trip had started to make itself apparent. I have experienced this with psychedelic combinations before in the past.... When I'm still in the come up or not quite tripping hard on enough on more than one psychedelic at the same time, it can really feel like the experiences are fighting each other or just not really working out that well at all. However, once that feeling of full peace is finally reached by whatever means, things tend to have a way of just working themselves out.... The mind becomes a canvas and the multiple sets of visuals start to work together in the most artistically beautiful ways that one psychedelic alone often just can't compare to.... The ways that they effect my mind begin to intermingle quite abstractly as well, putting me in a downright bizarro world. These are the things that I was starting to experience from the 4-HO-DET and LSD after this balloon.

My perception had become filled with a large and highly complex visual that appeared to be like viewing the center tip of an information spire on some kind of of massive technological geometric structure. I feel like the center of this and three arms branching out in equal distances from each other were mostly black, but also every color of the rainbow at once and also those same colors I saw from before that don't even exist. The three areas in between the arms started out in a basic red, green, blue pattern, but then started becoming filled with vivid and fast-moving scenes such as reviews of the history of humankind. The longer that I watched this, the more it felt like I was sinking into a tunnel focused around one point in my perception, which would zoom further and further into the foundation of reality until the hallucinations turned significantly three-dimensional, then four-dimensional, and then just completely shattered reality in ways that I can't even begin to describe.

I got up and walked around the house a bit to see more of what the trip had become. I was actually getting an interesting type of kaleidoscopic pattern that had elements of delirium in it including things like insects in it which I have gotten from LSD alone before, but the geometric style through which it was portrayed here is one that I have only gotten once previously, also on a combination, but a phenethylamine and tryptamine one that involved neither of these substances. There was something very interesting going on with the visuals in general.... I actually felt like I had opened myself up to some kind of dark magic domain. I was getting what I'm used to with 4-HO-DET in relation to the dark themes like witches and sorceress, but while that like other tryptamines tends to feel very realistic or dream-like in its presentation, that concept was now synergizing amazingly with the demented, cartoony aspect of LSD, along with its energetic and lustful edge. I felt as though I actually had the same control of my visuals that I did on my previous LSD trip and they were even similar in containing hieroglyphics, but this time they were more like power runes streaming in mathematical trajectories all around me, and with my will I could direct and throw them any way I wanted to, causing all sorts of intense geometric shockwaves to explode into existence around me.

This whole time, I also had the LSD effect of feeling like my self-image is intensified and feels completely perfect, but in addition to that I now perceived myself to in fact be more witch-like. I constantly felt as though my hair and clothes or bed sheets were flowing around me and with every action I did just because of how much energy I was giving off. My imagination had also taken on a highly vivid, large, and defined spherical structure. There were both dots and lines which each covered the circumference of the sphere around the center but at different angles to each other that were constantly traveling around the edge of the sphere, and again using my will I could speed this process up and cause all of these dots and lines to crash into each other furiously and create both intense visual distortions around me and cycle through many different thoughts, emotions, and feelings that I'm capable of experiencing.

At some point (during the rest of this experience time was heavily dilated for me and I kept no record of what happened when) after just enjoying the energy and dancing around and training my imagination like usual but with the added visual show, I decided to do another large balloon of nitrous oxide. What I can mainly say about it is that I've noticed that this spherical imagination thing happens a lot on nitrous oxide for me, but I think it's a part of my normal perception honestly.... But when I do it, it basically causes the same process that happens when I speed it up myself, but even more so. This balloon caused it to push even further that the previous time, again adding the feeling of extended time dilation, and my mind was pushed into areas of perception which attempted to conceptualize feelings of infinity. I honestly cannot describe it in any way other than to say that I indeed felt myself to be infinity... just everything at once. I came out of it feeling even more out of it than the previous time, and I ended up just getting up to play with my perception again.... This trip felt like it lasted so long to me, almost more than any other trip I've ever had, and there were so many intense and wonderful things that happened in, but unfortunately most of them are just things that I can't convey in a meaningful way through words, or at least were just so intricately complex that it's impossible for me to remember all the little details about every single one aside from just knowing that it was some of the most amazing experiences of my life.... However, there is one thing that I definitely do want to share.

There was one point during the night while the LSD was still peaking and the 4-HO-DET was still going pretty strongly, and I decided to smoke some cannabis and then just lie in bed in the dark and meditate. Almost immediately after getting myself into a completely and utterly relaxed position, I slipped effortlessly into an out-of-body experience. It was of a kind I've experienced before a few times where I feel as though I'm experiencing it both from a first-person perspective and from a third-person perspective which is pointed directly at my body, and I perceive a spherical space with my body at the center that ends directly at an equal distance from my body to my third-person perspective. I have only ever experienced it while on LSD, but not from just meditating before. It was always triggered by a very heavy dose or smoking salvia, and each time it felt very out of my control, just intense and overwhelming. But, this time.... This time, I perceived my body to be floating in a huge void, essentially as if the space surrounding my body that I mentioned is the only relevant thing in the environment. I was actually wearing a very colorful and abstract witch outfit, complete with the hat and a short dress that had some robe-like qualities to it. It actually didn't look cheesy or anything either, it was all highly psychedelic and far more intricate than any regular earthly clothes, it had a truly magical feel to it. My hands were outstretched to the sky, and since I could still myself in first-person even if I could see myself from third-person, I used this casting stance to simply release all of the emotion I possibly can into it, just like how I do strong dream control or throw my visuals around like normal, but with the complete freedom of being out-of-body in a void.

Correspondingly, enormous crystalline tower structures comprised of rainbow fractals and geometric imagery including concepts relating to human sexuality shot out of the abyss below me and built themselves high into the sky out of my passion. They all had a slight twist to them as well and so they all formed unique patterns as they worked their ways up. I simply did this until the release was complete and that world faded into nothingness, and I was back in bed....

I don't believe that it was much after that that the 4-HO-DET started to fade a bit, making the trip mostly like a somewhat enhanced LSD experience. Considering that the heaviest part of the trip was also over anyway, I pretty much spent the rest of the experience just thinking about everything that I had experienced and the nature of reality. I actually felt as though I was still tripping at least a bit for most of the next day during which I didn't sleep, and I kept smoking cannabis and using nitrous oxide to extend the effects and keep myself lost in thought and fantasy a bit longer.

-----

That was the end of what I wrote for what would be relevant to this report. In the time since this experience has passed, what I can say is that it had a very profound impact on me. A significant emotional factor to this trip was that my experiences with impossible perceptions and infinity on the nitrous oxide really satisfied some of the cravings I've had for most of my life for needing to always push things to the limit. I feel that realizing this in the moment was actually a part of what allowed me to be so lucid when out-of-body, because I was just much more relaxed than I normally ever had been while tripping. Since this experience I also have just been able to get much more out of smaller doses of psychedelics than I used to, so that has only helped improve my attitude of taking things in moderation.

I was also going through sort of a rough emotional spot at the time of this trip, and having that cleared up headspace really helped me to think through a lot of the issues I was dealing with with more lucidity as well. Overall, it was a really positive experience, and one I would be happy to repeat in the future. But certainly not an experience I would take lightly; I can't even begin to imagine what a higher dose combo than what I've already taken would be like.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 104771

Gender: Female

Age at time of experience: 23

Published: Oct 15, 2016	Views: 2,369

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4-HO-DET (365), LSD (2) : Entities / Beings (37), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Combinations (3), Alone (16)


		 DOSE:

		 2 hits

		 NBOMe Series
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   127 lb

I went to a day rave event with my boyfriend and he had planned to sell LSD. The usual guy he got it from was in jail so he decided to get it from another trusted source. This source turned out to be not so trustworthy...

Prior to taking 2 tabs of what I thought was LSD, my boy and I had been fighting and my ex was the one who drove me to this event. It was bad vibes all around though there were lots of friends around so I figured I would be fine. My boyfriend and I are experienced trippers, we will usually take 5-10 tabs each. I feel the tension is important to mention because it will help understand why I later had a bad trip. I am also severely asthmatic and have to take Q-var and Combivent at least twice a day plus my rescue inhaler which is Ventolin.

As soon as the purple pyramid gel tabs touched my tongue I knew something was wrong.

As soon as the purple pyramid gel tabs touched my tongue I knew something was wrong.

 There was a VERY distinct sour taste. I shrugged it off and waited it out. The high was not like LSD, I felt overwhelmed and paranoid. The park we were at was very sketch, there were tweakers and crackheads and wingnuts of all sorts harassing us, getting in trouble with the cops, and hanging out inside a massive portable toilet. They were literally just chilling in the filth. I couldn’t stomach going in there so I went into the bathrooms of what I believe was a city hall, not sure. It was some sort of public building. I stumbled into the handicapped stall and was very much dissociated, saw a chick in there amongst piles of toilet paper with a comforter over her and a needle sticking out of her arm. I did my business and looked in the mirror for a bit but I don’t remember much.

Throughout this trip I felt very dissociated and uncomfortable, I also felt very sad and scared. I blacked out for large sections of time and don’t remember much until my boyfriend had to leave. The tone of voice he used threw me into a downward spiral of despair. I thought he had died. Our friend who was driving me home kept saying I would see him soon when I asked if he was dead which was probably not the best thing to say because after that I hallucinated that she was driving really recklessly and crashing into things. All around us things were collapsing, I felt like I was decomposing and insects were eating me, I thought I was alone in the car sitting in the passenger seat. I hallucinated a time lapse in which my friend who was driving, my boyfriend and I were all fried out wingnuts who wandered the desolate freeways late at night abusing each other and looking for meth or crack. It was like the ghost of Christmas future came and gave me some sort of harsh reality check. The car stopped and everything around us was darkening and collapsing like I had reached the end of a video game and I was the protagonist. I had failed. Game over.

I kept screaming wordlessly in agony because it felt like I was being ripped through dimensions. It was like everything I had worked for was taken from me. I thought he was dead. Besides that fact, I had totally left my body several times and hallucinated this supreme divine being that changed faces and voices and personalities. They were all human and combined into one celestial form that was my soul mate. I thought that the friend who was driving me was the same entity as my boyfriend and another friend we were with earlier at the day rave. The decomposition hallucination kept happening as I felt my life was over.

On top of that I had to piss really badly and I was miraculously holding it in for like an hour or two. I don’t remember much. I became too rowdy for my friend to handle and she called an ambulance. All throughout my freakout I kept asking where my boyfriend was, they called him and let him talk to me I think? I kept hearing his voice in the background saying reassuring things until the doctor came. I was having an asthma attack

I was having an asthma attack

 because of the drug, it was creating too much mucus in my lungs. I kept saying “I don’t wanna die” over and over. As I was injected with various fluids to calm me down I kept telling the paramedics and cops that I loved them because I thought they were this one supreme being. I thought that all the people I had interacted with from the beginning of time were just one person that I was meant to be with like a soul mate and that I had wasted all my chances through reincarnation to get things right. Now that my boyfriend was gone I had no more chances. The staff kept reassuring me that he was alive but I couldn’t trust any of them. Oh and another thing that really fucked with me, one of the security guards from a hospital I frequented on account of suicide attempts was transferred to this hospital I was at and I had no clue what dimension I was in or where I was. Makes sense now of course, the cities were neighboring.

The doctor made me listen to Pink Floyd and gave me some Alex Grey artwork to look at while I calmed down.

The doctor made me listen to Pink Floyd and gave me some Alex Grey artwork to look at while I calmed down.

 There were still little flittering rainbow highlights around everything and everyone. There were several instances in which people and objects disappeared from my sight and it was just like I was in a room alone.

The doctor left me uneasy and I was fully convinced I had been taken to a dimension where I would never be released from the hospital, where all my friends and people I knew never existed, all the things I had done were all a dream I had woken up from and my new reality was this horrifyingly bland empty world of nothingness.

The doctor said three angels were there to rescue me. It was my two most responsible friends and my boyfriend. The relief I felt was immeasurable. They took me home and I went to sleep after staring at my mostly naked body, watching the scars shift underneath my flesh. I woke up the next morning and went back to work.

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 108714

Gender: Not Specified

Age at time of experience: 19

Published: Oct 22, 2016	Views: 5,831

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LSD (2), NBOMe Series (539) : Bad Trips (6), Train Wrecks &amp; Trip Disasters (7), What Was in That? (26), Rave / Dance Event (18)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 30 mg
		 oral
		 Hydroxyzine

		   T+ 0:00
		 3 g
		 oral
		 Pharms - Gabapentin

		   T+ 0:30
		 60 mg
		 oral
		 DXM
		 (liquid)

		   T+ 0:30
		 25 mg
		 oral
		 Diphenhydramine
		 (liquid)

		   T+ 0:30

		 LSD

		   T+ 1:00
		 20 mg
		 oral
		 4-HO-MiPT

		   T+ 1:00
		 50 mg
		 oral
		 Diphenhydramine

		   T+ 1:00
		 60 mg
		 oral
		 DXM
		 (liquid)

		   T+ 1:30
		 40 mg
		 oral
		 DXM
		 (liquid)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   120 lb

Dose:

T0:00-30 mg Hydroxyzine

T0:30-240 ug LSD, 25 mg DPH, 60 mg DXM

T1:00-20 mg 4-HO-MiPT, 60 mg DXM, 50 mg DPH

T1:30-40 mg DXM

ROA: all oral

Set: Had been planning this trip for a few days. I was excited but also very nervous, as I knew how intense and just how utterly utterly strange this experience could be

Setting: My bedroom

T0:00-30 mg Hydroxyzine taken, with 3000 mg Gabapentin (anxiolytic and anticonvulsant, I’ve noticed it never really has an effect on the trip itself). Shaking with anticipation.

T0:30-Take the next set of doses. Drink the DXM with some difficulty- I’ve noticed I’ve had trouble consuming it lately, even the smell makes me nauseous. I used to be able to drink it with the same ease I could drink hard alcohol (hesitant but not difficult)

T1:00-First alerts- a sedating slight dissociation with light visuals, a unique combined effect I notice when combining the two substances. They usually come on faster when I combine them. I go for the next dose. The 4-HO-MiPT feels like a nausea bomb the moment I swallow it. This is probably just anxiety and psychological but it makes consuming the next round of DXM intensely difficult. I try sipping it, I try gulping it, it’s all very very difficult. I originally had 100 mg laid out for myself but I am not able to finish sipping it before the next scheduled dose.

T1:30-The effects are beginning to coalesce, noticeable in strengthening visuals, psychedelic patterning that seems to be warping and swirling in synchronicity with the swells of nausea that are washing over me. I manage to toss back the rest of last round’s DXM, and have another 60 mg laid out. I can’t though, I just can’t, I want to try to hold all the substances down as long as I can and I know the remaining DXM would make me puke. I’m already clinging to my trashcan for dear life, facedown, fighting my body with all my might. I can feel the 4-HO-MIPT, often a strong nauseating agent in my stomach, exacerbating everything. I feel so dizzy, the room is spinning and rocking.

There’s no timeline from here on out. It was like falling asleep, I was just in a different plane with no idea how I got there. I recall brief moments of respite and clarity. I am in immense pain, my guts feel like they are just rotting off of my bones. My room looks distinctly two dimensional. A lot of strange sounds are coming in, like great beasts slowly drifting across the sky. These sounds float around my room like disembodied voices, although they simply seem to be low sweeps and warps. It looks like my room is rippling or vibrating into pieces.

I’m not sure what happened, but I ended up in a faraway existence. An interesting thing I’ve noted is that my experiences with combining DXM and psychedelics triggers a longing for locations in videogames from my childhood… a little background, when I was little I would have dreams that would feature locations from videogames, but it was usually inaccessible locations or background places. I would go to these places and find the most magical things, I had such a strange attraction and obsession with exploring this unknown and finally exploring these places in my subconscious was absolutely satisfying. Well with these trips, those places were envisioned in my mind, in concept, not literally, that same essence of the mysterious unknown, that same overwhelming urge to explore from my childhood dreams, came back. This time it was a location from Super Mario Galaxy.

This only appeared briefly, these only ever appear as I’m about to plunge deeper. And deeper I plunged. This felt like the absolute rawest and direct communication with subconscious possible. It felt like this was an existence dredged from the very depths of my mind. This was the true grimy primordial slime of my everything, and it was disgusting. It was absolutely unnerving to know that this place was the deepest depths of my mind, it was so… idk it seemed corny it seemed gross it seemed unwieldy and lame, I always figured my deep subconscious would be different, but this bulbous gelatinous realm defied all expectation.

I always figured my deep subconscious would be different, but this bulbous gelatinous realm defied all expectation.

 I sense hints of it when I’m on psychedelics alone or dissociatives alone, but here it was, the full power of them combined.

It did not appear visually, or really exist in terms of any aesthetic experience. After all, those are human channels of perception that taint the essence of all things they receive, translate existence into human terms. But this was beyond that, this was pure thought, pure essence, something that senses could never comprehend. The realm seemed… gelatinous, its essence was one of being amorphous, where beings of pseudopods and projections would travel and float through the solid aether, indifferent to any concept of gravity. I imagined myself as a being in this world, a pained and uncomfortable and disgusting thing entrenched in this existence. I felt like this was the true reality, after all it was true essence! I had always been in this place, I was pure thought and always dwelled in this realm of pure thought, I knew its rules and its esoteric natural laws, the sober world was just a projection, a convoluted structure built from the foundation of pure thought, the senses providing the building blocks for this great tower of delusion. I was home. It sucked. What a fundamentally unnerving and humiliating place. Worst of all was a sense of the essence of hostility, manifest in beings I would call “the dex police”, In this realm I felt so much shame and guilt, and the realm reacted to that, exacerbated it, sent agents to degrade me. Perhaps my crime was building this projection of a world in which I am now typing this.

Just fundamentally uncomfortable on the deepest subconscious level.

T~3:00-I’m coming back, in the sense that I can now recognize the world around me. I am no longer trapped in the other realm, and although I can dissociate when I close my eyes, I am now too far from that place to truly return. One of my friends pays me a surprise visit, I talk to her and am amazed that I am able to hold a coherent conversation despite the way my body and mind feel. I feel like a slug whose mind is exploding with puzzles.

T3:30-I am pretty out of it, I am very dizzy and have the classic dex walk, I go downstairs to interact with people, everything has a cozy warmth to it, perhaps just in contrast to the bitter cold dextroverse.

T4:30-I drank a bunch of the cough medicine I didn’t drink before and it mostly just has a stoning bodily dissociation effect. I definitely do not go back to any hallucinatory or even hypnagogic states, I am just high as shit in my living room.

T5:30-I mostly feel down now, still a bit wobbly and thoughts all feel very…. Surreal for some reason. I am shaking a great deal, especially at the wrists and ankles.

THE NEXT DAY: I feel high and dissociated all day, I have a lot of shaking and rhythmic twitching of my ankles and wrists. Clonus perhaps?

AFTERWARDS: The next few weeks saw a steeply declining and worsening depression accompanied by continued abuse of DXM by itself. This brings me to a point of near psychosis, where the delusion of this world being a projection of dextroverse me begins to take root. I begin to get really paranoid, that these agents from the dextroverse would manifest in my dreams, or somehow even manage to break into my reality, and take me back to where I belonged. It’s uncomfortable. My DXM experiences become a strange mental dissociation, less physical, and feel hypnagogic with my mind drifting away to half-dream states that I don’t even realize are hallucinations until they break. Lots of odd visions. This wore off as I began doing MXE rather than DXM as my “I'm sad and want to get fucked up” drug.

Exp Year: 2015	ExpID: 107740

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 20

Published: Oct 27, 2016	Views: 3,483

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DXM (22), LSD (2), 4-HO-MiPT (342) : Difficult Experiences (5), Entities / Beings (37), Depression (15), Combinations (3), Alone (16)


		 DOSE:

		 80 mg
		 oral
		 TMA-2
		 (capsule)

		 30 mg
		 oral
		 MDMA
		 (capsule)

		 10 hits
		 oral
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   350 lb

This report is coming fresh from my mind after one of the most intense night’s psychedelia I have ever experienced. What happened could not be described in words, only feelings.  In the peak of my trip I began to question existence itself, reality, *being* and time and space, since all of that was easily manipulated at the peak of my experience.  I had no idea what was going on because I was thrown head first into this madness and before I could even process what was happening, began to be overwhelmed by what I was feeling. I began to travel time rifts and contort reality to whichever way I wanted. I was at all places at once…a very unique feeling… saying it doesn’t do justice. My third eye was wide open and taking everything in.  For a brief moment, I began to think that I had actually “figured” it out. Life and all that, thinking I knew how things would/will be and got very excited at this notion.  Then I started to doubt myself thinking that what I was feeling could just be a crazy side effect of being on such a high amount of hallucinogenics. My brain was on GO!! I couldn’t slow it down and this became terrifying at one point because I just wanted the trip to end, I was too overwhelmed by all of the effects.

So here is how this all began.

I am what folks call a hard head, and it usually takes a high amount of drugs to effect me, and with my large size that doesn’t help too much either.  I have an extensive background in all types of psychedelics, 2c-b, 2c-c,2c-e, MXE, DMT, etc.  I thought this would be a walk in the park.

I read that a high dose of the TMA-2 was 60mgs+ so I figured 80mg would be a good starting dose since I wanted to fully feel this trip. While packing my capsule, my genius idea was “hey lets add some more drugs to this chemical I'm taking for my first time” not those exact thoughts, but damn near close. I wanted to remember this trip. I have had so many failed RC experiments.

In the end, my capsule is filled with 80mgs TMA-2, 30mgs pure molly, 10 hits of very weak blotter.

T+30minutes- already feel crazy, not sure if it is a placebo effect or not.. Talk to my friends online and they inform me I dosed pretty heroically,  I get a great anxiety and smoke bowls of weed to calm down. The stomach cramps associated with TMA-2 didn’t bother me much when super stoned.

T+1 ½ hours- Very slow comeup, by this time I forgot I have taken acid, I'm just thinking about  the massive dose of TMA-2 that I just took. Everyone seemed to think I was going to have a crazy night, and I was waiting for this to kick in to full gear.

T+~2 hours – Cant get this stupid grin off my face, look in the mirror to start laughing my ass off since I look insane,  start walking around because the amphetamine effects were in full gear, I needed to move and do stuff or I felt like a wound up ball of energy.

T+3hours?- Decided the trip wasn’t even worthy of my night, very disappointed with the slight effects and just assumed this was a bunk trip. I had fun but got nothing out of the experience, upset I headed to bed and figured, “I should do some ketamine” so out comes my little bag and in goes the straw. Literally, I knew I have 150mgs in the bag so figured worst thing could happen Is I snort all of it.  I guess the effects of one of the drugs I was on took ahold when I was trying to snort cause I took a HUGE breath in through my nose, look at the bag and it was pretty much empty… Totally unintentional, but I knew that I was in for a ride, so I lay back and wait for the effects to take hold.

T+?- I don’t really know what happened after that, I remember the walls breathing heavily, as if they were alive, this was neat, then everything started to dissolve around me and I was seeing some of the most incredible things, but it was as clear as reality, I could reach out and grab the things I was  seeing. I got stuck at some point and it was like a repeat loop for some time, eventually I figured out what was happening.

T-?- I come back to reality briefly, only enough to say “what the fuck is happening?” then everything would dissolve around me and I would be in this realm of time and space

everything would dissolve around me and I would be in this realm of time and space

, that is the best I can do to describe it. It was like existing in a different dimension, my feelings and emotions were completely separate from my body, it didn’t feel weird at all, just unusual.  I didn’t know what to make of it all, except that I couldn’t figure out why my trip was so intense. Upon reflecting I came to the conclusion I had eaten a 10strip of LSD. OF COURSE! That makes so much sense now.  My mind was working at 110% percent, it was very hard to maintain that sort of capacity, I wanted it to end but it was only just beginning.

T+5 hours-  Wake up, sweating, freaking out, looking everywhere in darkness but all I see is color, I stand up and immediately stumble, I go to the bathroom to witness what fucked up state I am in. When I walked into the bathroom it was like a dream, everything was fuzzy and covered with a strange aura, I looked at my pupils, and they weren’t big, at least not when I looked directly at them. For a moment I became entranced in my eye color, I could watch it morph and change. It was magical.

T+10 hours- Wake up again, thank god it is daylight and I am thinking clear. Still have this weird gut feeling, like my mind has been showed too much… I know what happened last night was something magnificent; I will just never be able to recall it.  I have forgotten much of the events already, this is my last ditch effort to keep this memory and share it with others.

What I saw and experienced will never make sense to me, and I have to accept that. Some people can't, and that is what drives a person mad.

Be responsible when doing drugs.

Exp Year: 2011	ExpID: 93336

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 21

Published: Nov 17, 2016	Views: 3,220

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TMA-2 (112), MDMA (3), Ketamine (31), LSD (2) : Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3), Alone (16)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 0:00
		 1 bowl
		 smoked
		 Cannabis

		   T+ 0:00
		 180 mg
		 oral
		 DXM
		 (pill / tablet)

		   T+ 0:00
		 100 mg
		 oral
		 Diphenhydramine
		 (pill / tablet)

		   T+ 0:00
		 4 hits

		 LSD

		   T+ 1:00
		 1 bowl
		 smoked
		 Cannabis

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   120 lb

T0:00-After smoking a bowl, down the DXM caplets along with 100 mg of Benadryl to reduce the itchiness/nausea that usually accompanies DXM. Already feeling nauseous, the feeling of having so many pills in me is nauseating. I pop the 4 tabs into my mouth directly after. I’m hanging around my room at this point waiting for any effects.

T0:15-I go to play videogames while coming up. As I’m playing I can feel the DXM start to kick in-I feel wobbly, the room feels wobbly and I begin to feel like I’m rocking around. The walls begin to pulse with concentric patterns, at first in just darker and lighter hues but they begin to pick up colors. The game is becoming pretty difficult now, and also pretty confusing- why am I playing this? What objectives am I trying to accomplish? I decide to go back to my room- things are definitely kicking up now. The patterns are on the walls of my long hallway, though they seem to be flowing like a river. I go to my room and lie down on my bed. Standing is becoming increasingly difficult.

T1:00-Once in my room I pack a bowl and smoke it. I am listening to music on my laptop. The music begins to sound more and more surreal- I can hear voices, I can recognize them as human voices but I can’t distinguish what they are saying. I can feel the emotion coming off the music and I can understand that, but the language is completely alien. The voices sever themselves and creep through the air like specters, breathing and pulsing. They settle in my mind in the way that leaves fall from trees, each set of words as alien sounds that dance around my thoughts. They expand and pulse and breathe in and out, I visualize them like a patterned bubble growing and shrinking before me, bleeding with emotions. I close my eyes, the scene that comes to me (not literally or visually, the essence of this scene) is a blank grey room, the walls metal. There is a slab of concrete on the floor, with a big block of meat forcefully slammed on it, cables extending from the meat to the walls. The sound waves pulse through the room like ripples on the surface of a pond. My consciousness and sense of anything begins to fade as the walls stripe and shutter. I open my eyes and turn off the music-it’s too stimulating.

T1:15-The next 2 (?) hours are beyond any understanding of time and reason. I am sitting in my room in silence. But it doesn’t sound silent. The sound of everything is deafening-Every little sound explodes into a larger one, one that resonates and bends and twists to my will. If I think of a song, the ambient sounds of my space will bend and mold to match it. This creates an incredible confusion as to whether or not I have music on or not. I curl up into a ball on my bed and close my eyes. My entire existence is reduced to a radiating geometric pattern overlaid with a pulsing flowing black and whitw chevron pattern. I’ve done this on acid before- let myself fade to nothing, I can jerk myself back as of my own will. But I can’t- I feel trapped in this mysterious space without space or time. My auditory and visual space fuse into one sense- a sputtering sound, a sputtering image, like lines on and old TV and the sound it makes. The image begins to twist and turn in conceivably impossible ways, tendrils and projections spiraling and drilling off-what does it mean? I can’t even ask myself that, any sense of language is destroyed.

The only pieces of language I can comprehend are snippets of the music I was listening too, dancing around, popping out of the patterns and screaming at me, bending and warping around me. I suddenly open my eyes and jerk myself back-where the hell am I? I look around, nothing looks familiar, I have no idea where I am, what direction I’m facing, which way is up or down or left or right. I have no memory of my state before closing my eyes, I don’t remember where I was. It all begins to come back to me though- I’m in my room, I’m okay. My short term memory begins to falter, like it does while I’m on mushrooms. This is always fucking terrifying. This leads to looping- I am just lying on my bed, being altered beyond belief. I want to get up and do things. I stand up, I realize how altered I am, that it isn’t safe for me to do things. I go back to the bed. This cycle continues for a while, I keep wanting to do things, and remembering why I don’t want to, and forgetting the whole thing. I thrash around on my bed, every time I open and close my eyes I am disoriented, with no sense of the space I’m in. This feels a lot like a mushroom trip, but with more of a body high, compliments of DXM. Then things start to get weird.

I look out of my window and see a bus driving down the street, a person on the sidewalk in front of it. Cool. I continue looping, pacing my room, I feel physically ill and nauseous. I keep thinking I have thrown up/ I am about to throw up. I begin to get the feeling the first time I did mushrooms- I feel like I’ve done something bad but forgotten it. I feel like I left the room at some point, did something fucked up. I feel like I wandered outside, scared someone, that I was just hallucinating the room around me. This is like all of my mushroom nightmares. I am haunted by the thought that there will be serious consequences from this trip. It takes all of my mental effort to avoid having a total freak out, I am skirting the edge of a complete and utter meltdown. I feel awful, I feel like I have doomed my whole life, that I am suffering right now and I am condemned to a future of suffering. I feel myself being exposed to a million multiverses, all variations on this universe, all with substantially less suffering- I am being taunted, it is being rubbed into my face that this life is not ideal and there are lives where I have it better but I am locked out of all of them. I have made about 10 pacing laps of my room at this point, and look out of the window again to see: The exact same scene-literally the same image of the same bus with the same person. Aw fuck, I broke time.

Aw fuck, I broke time.

The panic gives way to confusion. I begin to come to the conclusion that I have been trapped in a trick room via loops. The looping thoughts serve as my chains, and I am stuck in a room that defies the laws of physics, space and time as I once knew them have become completely irrelevant. Time speeds up and slows down and stops and starts up again randomly here. The room is at times so tiny I feel as though I won’t fit, at other times it is immense, and stretches infinitely in every direction. A wall looks like receding space, open space looks like a flat surface with an image of my room printed on it. I don’t know which direction anything is in, or what directions even are. On top of my panic from before, I am now submerged in a raging river of confusion. I feel like nothing I knew before matters now, that my entire existence has been redefined, that the physics that governed earth and existence have broken. I am trapped, confused, on the verge of breaking down, I still can’t tell if music is playing or if I’m imagining it. I just don’t know anything. I lie on my bed, I feel so sick, so tired, I want this all to end. I am not sure if I am going to die or not, I feel a distinct malevolence trapping me here, like all the times I did mushrooms. But more on that later. At times I feel better, I feel like its going to end soon, or become a more positive experience, but this only lasts a short time before I am dunked back into it. It feels like my head is encased in wobbling jelly that jumbles up every input. I look out of my window and see a different scene, and this fills me with relief- I feel like I have been released from an awful psychological prison.

T3:00-After some hours of being mentally tortured, of looping and time weirdness and near panic and fear and complete confusion, I am finally and slowly drifting down. It feels like I am underwater, slowly floating to the surface, currents tossing me around beneath the surface. Towards the tail end of the trip I am just feeling burnt, the DXM still makes my limbs feel like wet noodles, the acid makes concentric patterns dance on every surface, I feel a bit sick but ok, I am out of the darkness, I am okay.

Post trip:

Later that night, about T12:00 I begin to analyze the trip, my feelings, the forces involved. In all of my most recent psychedelic experiences I have come in contact with malevolent forces, I have felt definite harmful presences and I begin to contemplate what they may be. I identified two harmful forces:

Mushroom Death- Mushroom death is formless, infinitely malevolent and destructive, a swirling ravaging being who cannot even control itself. It tries to hide itself, it tries to strike when I won’t notice it. Mushroom death is black mycelium burrowing into my brain, blanking out my thoughts and scrubbing holes in my mind. Mushroom death breathes stagnant blood, mushroom death is the blood thickening in my veins into paste. Mushroom death is panic and doubt, mushroom death tells me that I have fucked up, that the room around me is fake, that I have committed some grave error and forgotten it. Mushroom death only comes to me when I am on psychedelics. I first felt mushroom death when I did mushrooms+25c+MDMA and I thought I was having a stroke. Mushroom death was not too malevolent at that point, merely evil, but has grown more and more evil. Mushroom death glares down on me, traps me with loops and drives me to madness. Mushroom death wants me to kill myself.

“Mental Illness”- “Mental Illness” is deformed, tangled pallid flesh, the orifices strikingly blood red. “Mental illness” is a heavy breather, has many teeth, it is perpetually afraid yet violent. “Mental illness” is not malevolent, “Mental illness” has no mind or consciousness, it is a creature. It is a parasite that feeds off of my internal conflict, its awful sinewy body unravelling from the battle between narcissism and self-loathing, feasting on thoughts of suicide and paranoia. It drives these thoughts and feeds off of them, using my mind like a farm. “Mental illness” merely wants to exist, like any creature. “Mental illness” exists at all times, a pulsing mass of stinking corpse flesh, though it becomes most apparent while I am on psychedelics. “Mental illness” will feed on me for the rest of my life. It cannot be killed.

As I was coming down I played videogames with a friend for like 5 hours. When I opened my laptop again I found an opened word doc I don’t even remember writing titled “how do I feel today”. It said:

'Todays trip felt like having my head dunked under water and someone held it down

I saw the same scene outside my window across a large span of time--- trapped in an illusion/trick room?? Room exhibited strange properties….. stil visuals as helck wobbly too

It felt more like a mushroom trip

How associations bounced off of one another, I grew confidence in my ability to predict my own actions

Every thought would generate a tangible copy, and I was the arbiter of whether to play on the tangibiligy of each thought-

A constant struggle, having to tackle thoughts one at a time to decide their obejective truth and whether to discard them or account them based on that

I saw the same septa bus outside my window after a seemingly long span

Time was looping there was a lot of looping

'

Exp Year: 2015	ExpID: 107745

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 20

Published: Nov 19, 2016	Views: 3,634

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LSD (2), DXM (22) : Alone (16), Depression (15), Combinations (3)


		 DOSE:

		 1 hit

		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   150 lb

LSD Tabs Double Strength

 plus Mirror Gazing

--------------------------------------------------

In preparation, I sit with and accept my karma. This is the purification ritual. If shown my faces and asked to choose a face, I choose none, and so the rest follows.

--------------------------------------------------

It's a Thursday evening and I've just broken up with my boyfriend of 6 years, which was an immense relief for both of us. We had been trying to do it gracefully for the past year or more and hadn't yet succeeded. I am drinking some wine and decide that the thing I need at that moment is to drop this blotter acid that I've been saving, which is quite strong. A year previously my friends and I each took a half tab of the same on a Tuesday evening at Burning Man. The following trip was intense and lasted the entire night and included a birth and rebirth as well as a very powerful goddess sighting at the temple of Mazu. This dose of a full tab that I've given myself on this night is the strongest psychedelic trip that I've ever signed up for in my entire life.

That being said, I put off taking this substance this year at the Burning Man Festival, though I did prepare myself as if I were going to trip. I'd better do what I set out to do.

-The come up-

As I lay on the couch in our dark living room still tipsy from the wine, the room is suddenly so intensely illuminated from nothing but the municipal street lamps that charmingly light our downtown neighborhood at night. At this time my ex-partner walks in the room, and I admit to him what I've just done to myself. He smiles and accepts and goes to bed. Later on in the evening I bother him for some cigarettes which he obliges.

What follows is several hours of me digesting the swirl of information that has comprised my consciousness for the last few years, work, play, social media, friends, relationships, family. All is unfolded before me.

The trip washes over me in waves as I sit peacefully, rave to myself quietly, or explore what appears to be the merging of the spiritual world with the very fabric of my reality. I do this for several hours, most of the night in fact.

At some point I have placed my folded yoga mat in the middle of the kitchen, and I watch as the tiles are transformed with nothing other than the otherworldly mandala that sits at the heart of all things. My little black cat chooses this moment to appear crouched in the middle of the yoga mat as if he too sees the abyss beneath us and has chosen my mat to reside upon as if were a life raft amid the turbulent waters.

At another point I decide to tear a book recommended to me by a friend straight in half using the old phone-book trick. I guess that served as my critical review of that content. I shared the pictures with him in a text message. I hope he appreciated the humor. I think so, he's very into situationist theater and dadism. He's also a dad. Joke.

In the early hours of the morning, after using the toilet facilities and nicely cleaning off the crusty gunk on the inside of the toilet bowl, as well, so very nice of me, I decide to embark upon a mirror gazing journey. Yes, because if I'm going to go deep I might as well go that deep. Lucky for me all the work I did in preparation that previous evening, night and the months leading up to the drop left me open to experience what was shown without spiraling into ego-craving meltdown. I'm a dumbass. And reckless. As. FUCK.

Brave also. Very very brave.

I sit gazing into the mirror and watch as my face ages into this life and then flashes past all the rest of my lives on this spiral. It is true what they say, I am a very old soul. I have lived many long and full reincarnations on this spirit so my past lives happily look like nothing less than a long procession of very attractive and happy grannies. My name suits me well.

After a time I was asked to choose a face so I played with this concept a bit, but in the end chose no face. Happily I was gifted with a fleeting sight of what I believe is the Buddha face gazing back at me. I've had a few visions before of Buddhist teachings shown to me, very memorable the Abhaya Mudra amid a swirling cloud as I lay trance meditating something during the period in which my Grandmother passed.

And then, because I think he has been on my mind a lot in these recent days, just about since August 28th, right before I left for Burning Man, I see all my new paramours lives and ancestry as well. I won't reveal a story that is not mine to tell but a few notes:

I didn't know that was a thing.

I wonder if he is a gemini, and I shall ask him next time we meet.

It was at first uncomfortable to wear another person's faces all at once, no less a man's faces but then also realizing that it was someone I knew. Very intense. As a result I decided to ask him if he had some time to spend with me over the weekend. I wonder what he will reply.

After that, it was back to a little cross eyed gazing and symmetry viewing. I should review what the mechanism is that tends to give this impression with LSD specifically. After that I decided that I needed to give my eyeballs a rest and not go heavy on the contact wearing for the next few days, and remain unassisted if at all possible. I think I can do it if I enlist the help of some friends. I am functionally blind without correction so this is a pretty serious request. I think modern optometry is very effective but it can be very jarring and stressful on the eyes if one's vision needs extensive correcting.

I am very afraid of total vision loss so this is something I should explore more in the future. As a visual artist there are many implications and professional ramifications of this loss of vision. Not all bad. Some great art is achieved by functionally blind artists.

As I come down I get an e-mail alert that a job that I would very much like to have is matched to me. It seems I've already applied for this job and am stonewalled by the indifference of internet jobs databases. So I do something kind of ballsy and send an email to the founder of the company at which I was just laid off to see if he could assist me with getting an interview.

More comedown. A little attempts at napping and figuring out what I'm meant to do with myself for the next few days. Good morning to my ex who's happy to be on his way to work and not displeased to see me. We can be friends again and that is a relief after all the fighting because we really are good friends. I'm overcome with the urge to share writing on a platform of my choosing and it appears that the droplet (virtual server host service) with my install of Ghost that I set up about a year ago is still live. I forgot the password though, and I may not have set up my e-mail settings correctly to retrieve lost passwords on the server side of things so I'll have to debug that later when I'm a little less loopy. I'd rather troubleshoot than have to start all over from scratch. It was a pretty big feat to set up in the first place as a first ever Linux server admin project. And now I sit writing and getting ready to make my first ever submission to the Erowid vaults on LSD.

Good times.

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 109320

Gender: Female

Age at time of experience: 32

Published: Nov 20, 2016	Views: 1,798

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LSD (2) : General (1), Alone (16)


		 DOSE:

		 sublingual
		 LSD

		 25 mg
		 oral
		 4-HO-MiPT
		 (capsule)

		 33 mg
		 oral
		 2C-B
		 (capsule)

		   repeated
		 smoked
		 Cannabis

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   120 lb

T0:00-I dose everything all together after a shower.

T0:20-I feel so chilly and shaky. Putting on layers does not make me comfortable, this is a cold that shudders out from my bones, it’s the temperature dropping before a shivering rainstorm. I am shuddering and shaking and it feels like my bones are rattling in my flesh.

T0:45-I am so nauseous, I just feel poisoned now, the bitterness of these powders that are in my stomach have seeped into every corner of my consciousness, it’s a bitterness that infests all my senses and leaves my mind feeling like dry rot. I was not expecting to feel this bad, perhaps my nutrition has been poor lately. I am shaking uncontrollably and all I can really do is lie on my bed and hope this will all pass. Any movement exacerbates the discomfort. My jaw is clenching into knots and ice cold electricity shoots through my muscles. Insofar, other effects are hardly noticeable. Slight visual distortion pulses the walls. Faint colored patterns begin to swirl but I pay them no heed. My mental state is entirely and passionately focused on the condition of my body right now.

T1:20-I feel like I have broken over the edge. I’ve had it in my mind this whole time, this will be fun, this will be a blast, all I need to do is make it over this hellish twitchy disquieting hump. At last, it feels like I have splashed face-first into a pool while on fire, the relief is tangible and the world swirls around me as the discomfort dissipates. I am on three different psychedelics, but I honestly cannot tell that there are different substances coursing through my veins. It’s not like one drug is overpowering the others, but that they have all coalesced into one entirely unique experience, a singular drug rather than a combination of them. They have matched each other in power perfectly and synchronized into a dazzling experience of its own. The visuals do not remind me of any of the substance, they are frenetic and rippling with raw energy, incredibly intricate and jagged, twitching like green mechanical worms over every surface. My vision is dominated by a grand patterned starburst, the root of some psychedelic plant with intricate foliated visuals branching out from it. Closing my eyes drags me into a world of my body vibrating away into toothed waves, the waves spilling out into the space around me and swirling and twisting and tangling into infinite chaos and absurdity. Music is absolutely fantastic, every detail of the sound makes itself apparent to me and lays out before me for my aesthetic appreciation. I was enjoying lying around listening to music so much that I stopped taking notes or recording timestamps.

I notice mostly that I am not tripping as hard as I would’ve liked. My goal in this instance was to give myself a powerful trip on my three favorite substances from the three main families of psychedelic. I had made the observation that by some force of the cosmos, I always have the most intense trips when I don’t intend to, or when tripping that hard is inconvenient. Those trips are always inevitably quite stressful as they seriously inhibit whatever else I intended to do during that experience. I figured I would give myself some free time and try to plunge into the depths while actually prepared for it, but to no avail. Perhaps It was all just warped perceptions, that I perceive myself as tripping harder when I expect different and vice versa. That I’m objectively tripping just the same as my “hard” experiences, but it lacks the element of being overwhelming or out of my control.

T2:00-I begin to wonder how I can make this experience productive, as I realize that without sinking into the depths I feel like I am just wasting my time. I wonder how I can channel this psychedelic energy into some other activity. I smoke a bowl of cannabis to boost me a little bit and then decide to try and dissect why I have been such a poor student as of late. The hyperanalytical aspect of 4-HO-MiPT rears its head from the maelstrom and I find myself researching the definition of laziness. I soon realize that attempting to read or learn while in this state is just incredibly difficult.

 I soon realize that attempting to read or learn while in this state is just incredibly difficult.

 When I look at words, I realize that I can only read the single word I am focusing on, all the other words surrounding that one appear as incomprehensible illegible glyphs of some language I do not know. It’s difficult for me to glean any meaning from sentences as I must process them one word at a time, and then go back and cross reference each word with each other to see what they all mean in combination. I am reading the Wikipedia article on laziness at a rate of about 1 sentence per 2 minutes, and even then I have to piece together the meaning of the sentences. After quite some time I finally manage to piece together what laziness means, and how it is perceived. It’s from here that I can deconstruct the concept, apply it to my life, bring my lazy ass to amount to something and do well in school. Except I don’t, I just can’t for the life of me figure out why I am so lazy. I can’t for the life of me figure out how to solve it. This combination lends itself to powerful and clear introspection that cuts through my thoughts like a crystal knife, but this is one mystery that it cannot crack.

T3:00-I end up just reading a bunch of junk on Wikipedia for the next few hours. To alleviate my guilt I attempt homework. It falls through entirely, I completely fail at the task and cannot comprehend calculus at all. I end up feeling really stressed for about an hour, stressed about my inadequacies, stressed about my laziness, stressed about what my life is destined for with all these deep character flaws. The psychedelic torrent is merciful for not letting this swirl out of control into a deep depressive episode. Rather, I am able to rationally and clear headedly approach these issues and address them in such a way that I can merely dismiss them. Not a solution, but it kept my mind safe. I am occasionally able to at least sink back and greet the storm of visuals with a smile, sink into the pleasant sensory effects and the euphoric jolts on my brain, let the trip take me into its gentle hands and rock me back and forth and reassure me that no time is wasted, that every moment that I am experiencing the world of my own accord is a moment well spent.

T5:00-I go downstairs and hang out with my roommate and smoke more and play videogames. This is something we do together fairly often, although this particular experience sticks out in my memory. Each game we played, everything I witness, seems to be better etched into my memory than previously. It’s like the memories are a detailed relief, each feature of it carved with incredible depth and noticeable contrast, as opposed to the usual flat blur they occupy in my mind. Conversation and socialization are a bit awkward, although the hyper-analytical aspect of the experience makes for an interesting evening doing something that is usually pretty routine. This continued for the next few hours. Nothing else to note really.

T12:00-Go to sleep.

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 109433

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 21

Published: Nov 27, 2016	Views: 2,996

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2C-B (52), 4-HO-MiPT (342), LSD (2) : Alone (16), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3)


		 DOSE:

		 50 ug

		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   140 lb

CFS and LSD a Really Horrible Mix

2011 was a very tumultuous year for me.  My father passed away unexpectedly and I suffered from horrible typhoid and malaria thereafter. I recovered but not completely, it's like my immune system was stuck in attack mode even after I recovered. What followed was endless doctor visits and tests which were always normal. So western medicine did what it does.  Told me it was depression/CFS. There was a component of that but I knew there was more to it. Its like my cells had run out of something very critical. I was a profuse sweater and now I couldn’t sweat even in high heat.

I took antidepressants. 12 of them... none worked. Then naturopathy, Then vitamins. They helped a bit. But by 2014 I had knocked on almost every door and knew it was time for somewhat drastic.

In all this time I was researching on pubmed and theorized that a shock to the nervous system was what was needed. Plus I had read that LSD helped people recover from depression too. So I thought it to be a good chemical target. I obtained some 400 mcg tabs. And being a cautious person that I was decided to try only 50 mcg.

It was evening. First effects were a feeling of individual cells in my body waking up. Now those who haven’t suffered from CFS [Chronic Fatigue Syndrome] probably can’t relate to this but it was as clear as daylight for me. No visuals or hallucinations… but just clarity.

However in a short amount of time my cells ran out of whatever they were lacking and all I could feel was a metabolic accelerator being pressed by the LSD while I had no gas in the system. My heart rate started to go up and then I first felt guilt. Intense awful guilt. Then came the fear, then the panic attack. I have has panic attacks before but this fear was something else. It was raw fear. Then came the ambulance and then there was ER. After a whole night on ativan and under observation, I was released in morning. CFS still intact and a bit worse which got to baseline in the next few days by some methylfolate and b12 and vit D.

My set and setting was understandably not ideal. But it wasn’t awful either. I can classify this as a typical bad trip. But beneath the surface. I can say for sure that it definitely doesn’t play with the underlying mechanism for CFS in a positive way. Even if my emotions were positive, my nervous system would not have been able to produce the necessary juice to let LSD do what I needed to do. And hence the problem.

It's not going to fix it.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 109612

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 31

Published: Dec 10, 2016	Views: 2,244

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LSD (2) : Depression (15), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Bad Trips (6), Unknown Context (20)


		 DOSE:

		 2 hits

		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   190 lb

Back in the late 90s I dropped a couple of hits of orange colored blotter. I hadn't dropped any acid in a few weeks and was tripping hard but was loving every minute of it.  We, myself and a friend, decided to go up to his older brother's apartment. When we got there, their was 4 other people we would party with on occassion sitting around drinking and smoking weed. Everyone in the apartment was a few years older than us. I didn't really trust any of them, including my buddies older brother.

We sat down and started drinking and smoking. They were also tripping hard. One of the people in the apartment passed a spliff my way and said 'look, you're shaking'. I remember looking down at my hands and not being able to tell if I was shaking. I looked at my hands, fully aware of the fact that I have poor vision, and all I saw was a blur. I couldn't tell whether I was shaking or not and whether or not it was just my crappy eyesight. I tried really hard but I couldn't tell. I then became absolutely convinced that he was screwing with me and trying to send me on a bad trip. Sure enough, I started thinking I have to get out of here. I have to leave. I don't know where I want to go, but I have to leave now. I tried telling my buddy that we have to leave. He was like, why do you want to leave? I was like, we have to leave now. I need to get out of this apartment. I don't know if I was telling him we have to leave in front of other people but I eventually convinced him to leave.

When we left I told him that we had to leave because the people in the apartment were trying to screw with me. As per the normal acid-induced panic I had what felt like a million thoughts and questions flashing through my mind every second. I was feeling overwhelmed by the number of thoughts going through my mind. I felt like I was going crazy and that I was never going to be normal again. I couldn't tell whether my paranoia was justified. I also began trying to figure out whether I was shaking or not and was panicked by the fact that I couldn't figure out if I was actually shaking. After we left, we walked to my buddies house and sat in his basement bedroom. He turned the lights out, flicked on the lava lamp and turned on My Friends by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. After 15 to 20 minutes of sitting in the dark watching the lava lamp, after having left the apartment about 40 minutes earlier, I began to chill the hell out.

The moral of the story is the classic truism that set and setting matter. I didn't trust the people we were with. So, I was suspicious of them. When one of them started messing with me mentally it confirmed that I shouldn't trust them. This made me believe that I had to leave. When  I started thinking that I needed to leave the panic set in because I didn't know how I was going to convince my buddy to leave. The more I thought about leaving the more I convinced myself that I absolutely had to leave - that it was necessary for my mental health.

Exp Year: 1997	ExpID: 88945

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 18

Published: Dec 30, 2016	Views: 1,902

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LSD (2) : General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)


		 DOSE:
 T+ 3:20
		 14 mg
		 insufflated
		 3-MeO-PCP
		 (powder / crystals)

		   T+ 0:00
		 1 hit
		 sublingual
		 LSD
		 (blotter / tab)

		   T+ 0:00
		   repeated
		 smoked
		 Cannabis

           BODY WEIGHT:
	   120 lb

T0:00- Dose tab of LSD immediately upon returning home from work. This is a batch I had a good bit of that I wanted to test for potency. I wash dishes and do chores around the house as I come up.

T1:30- I have been coming up for quite some time now, the comeup has been slow and slogging, as if the drug has been fighting its way through knee high muck to find a place in my mind. It feels as though a little electric storm has infiltrated my brain, that it is pulsing little sparks and flashes of color throughout my consciousness. It’s sparkling and tingling, and that raw feeling of dry stimulation deep in the marrow of my bones, shaking them dry, sending ripples of stark warmth through my muscles. Chills run up and down my spine and I chew some gum to combat the onslaught of bruxism. I roll a joint that will calm my body, when I hear a knock at the door.

T2:00- A friend has come over. My roommates come out to hang out and we are all sitting around as I continue to go up and up. Talking and laughing feels particularly jovial and it feels like I can feel every muscle fiber in my body as they contract. I light up the joint as we’re all hanging out. The weed smooths the rough and jagged edges and points of the trip, eroding them into a pleasant round cobble and blasting the experience with pulses of color and shimmering jittering dancing light. My roommates want to try some drug tonight, so we devise assigning each side of a die to a drug in my collection and rolling it. We settle on deschloroketamine. I decide not to partake just so I can ride this trip out a little longer and make a judgment on this batch, but we go upstairs and I provide it for them.

T2:40- Now that that’s all over with, we go back downstairs. They are immediately struck with the onset, and seem to be having a great time playing videogames and hanging out. I smoke more weed with my other roommate who did not partake, and am content to observe them as they enter an experience that I am quite familiar with. More cannabis feels like adding more heat to the fire, it feels like the trip is burgeoning and glowing and smoldering and I am ecstatic to be privy to this.

T3:20- My friends are all crashing over the peak of their experience and I feel like tasting some dissociation myself. I go upstairs and find that I do not have as much deschloroketamine as I thought. I decide to instead feast myself on 3-MeO-PCP. Weighing out the tiny precise amount is difficult with my shaky hands but I decide on a higher dose than usual and suck it down. I return downstairs.

T3:40-The burn has subsided and at this point I have entirely forgotten that I have taken anything on top of the acid. It first presents as a slight note of physical numbness, of the world appearing blurry, not visually, but as if the symbolic meanings of every object around me have begun to become indistinct.

T4:00-It feels like a great volcano is erupting within me, there is a massive swelling of fire and energy radiating from my core and pounding into my skull, not even pounding and pulsing, but rather a steady constant stream of warmth. I am swarmed with abundant energy, and find myself unable to stand still. Rather I am pacing back and forth around the room, talking up a storm as if I need to expend all of this vitality. I cannot for the life of me sit still, remaining still is entirely inconceivable and even when I try I am still shaking my limbs, fidgeting nervously, eagerly and impatiently awaiting the next opportunity to flex and utilize my desperately burning muscles and mind. And it just keeps getting stronger. It grows exponentially and I soon find myself a bit concerned at how completely adrift I am. Like I was having a fun time swimming in the deep water at the beach but now I find myself being swept out to deeper water by a merciless riptide. I flee up to my room for a bit to try and ride this out. As I enter, I am struck with this odd feeling. Everything seems “hyperreal”, like I am visibly seeing everything with more clarity than I normally do, like I have shattered the blurred veneer of reality and that my nerves and sensory organs are truly in touch with their stimuli, taking the bits of information in with greater capacity than they were before. I feel more deeply in control of my body, able to entirely control the momentum that my limbs exhibit, able to entirely control every little contraction of my muscles down to each individual sarcomere. I feel like superhuman.

I lie in my room and listen to music for a bit, and while being alone is nice and provides me an idea of how strong this trip is, I soon get bored and restless and flee back downstairs. I am jumping around on the furniture now, standing atop the banister of our staircase and touching our ceiling, looming above the rest of the room. I just want to jump and climb, I wish I was in a vast boulder field or out in the woods where I could appropriately expend this energy, but all I can do now is excitedly run around the house. My two friends who ingested the deschloroketamine are couchlocked and helplessly watch me gallivant around the space. I go outside and it feels incredible, I feel like I could flap my wings and fly above the neighborhood like I have in so many dreams, I stick my arms out and loom above the space like a great crucifix, or a spectacular bird spreading its wings over a precipice, I feel majestic and powerful, beautiful and mighty, and manic beyond measure.

T4:20- I return inside to find my friends still splayed out on the couch. The desket has hit them like a freight train. I am still pacing and still manic, with the visual aspect of the acid experience significantly kicked up. Visuals trace their way down the walls and flash and breathe in magenta and teal, yet everything still appears as hyper-real to me. How neat! My reality has been redefined I suppose, to where this strange pulsing rippling world has become the status quo. Soon however, that feeling fades, and is replaced by quite the opposite- as if the world has become blurred, and the overlay on my reality has made everything flat and indistinct. It feels like the world has become lo-fi, that I am viewing it through a cloud of static on a CRT that cannot attain a proper signal. My friends suggest playing around with a guitar for a bit, so I follow them into a room and bring along paper and pen so I can draw pictures.

My one friend plays guitar, the other is seemingly in no state to do anything but lie back as he is subject to the dissociative maelstrom. I am trying to draw, but I am not patient enough to do anything meticulous. I am furiously scribbling, making pictures that are composed of lines being powerfully thrown against the page, nearly tearing the paper with the pen. My friend plays a few songs, marveling at how he is still able to play guitar and remember the lyrics. I ask him to play a rendition of one song he wrote and he belts it out completely from memory, it’s spectacular to witness and I ask him if I can record it. My recording capabilities consist of my laptop speaker… But we set it up nonetheless, and I am struck with this childish sense of make-believe, where I am pretending that this is some actual recording studio and I am doing actual music stuff, even though once again, it’s my laptop on a chair with the music being recorded in audacity. I had this projection overlaid on the whole activity granting it greater significance than was warranted, but it felt so nice, it felt like such a great use of time. I was entirely euphoric and ecstatic.

T5:00-My friends are beginning to come down and the comedown is very rough on them, tiring out their bodies and subjecting them to nausea and vomiting. I ride out my trip for the next couple of hours playing videogames, smoking weed, and generally just enjoying myself quite a lot.

T6:00-The dissociative feeling from the 3-MeO-PCP has entirely faded now, or rather I do not feel 2 distinct drugs, it feels like the experience, with the help of weed, has blended together into one singular neutral feeling, to the point where I hardly feel altered anymore. I know I’m altered, but this feels like my new baseline, and it feels fantastic. We watch a movie together and I feel like it is being etched into my memory deeper than such an experience normally is. We order a pizza and I am delighted to find I still have quite an appetite.

T9:00-Everyone has gone to bed now and I go upstairs and shower. In the shower I realize how altered I still am, and it’s absolutely fantastic. I feel so incredibly in tune with my body, fully aware of every little movement I make, every shift in my bones and every pull of my tendons. The warm water flowing over my body invigorates me, makes me appreciate the miracle of my working body, of all the muscles and the instant nerve impulses that move them. I come out of the shower radiating warmth and staring at awe at my bare flesh. I relax in my room and smoke more weed while reading about stuff on the computer for a few hours.

T11:00-The trip is mostly over now. I go to sleep.

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 109619

Gender: Male

Age at time of experience: 21

Published: Jan 1, 2017	Views: 3,187

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LSD (2), 3-MeO-PCP (558) : Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)