Southampton and Portsmouth have jointly announced that they will merge into a single club in time for the 2018/2019 season. Given the fierce nature of their South Hampshire rivalry, the news has broadsided fans of both clubs.

Plans for the merger appear to have been in motion for several years under a shroud of secrecy.

Krueger

“The idea was first floated in 2011,” Southampton chairman Ralph Krueger told Soccer on Sunday. “It gathered pace over the years, particularly as Portsmouth got shitter and shitter.”

“They’re barely a club nowadays,” added Krueger. “So why not scoop up what’s left of them, and shovel it into Southampton for recycling?”

SouthamPton

Pompey chairman Iain McInnes confirmed that the merged club will retain the SouthamPton name, but with the ‘P’ converted to upper-case in recognition of Portsmouth. SouthamPton home games will be played at St Mary’s, with Fratton Park bulldozed to make way for a Saints museum named after Matt Le Tissier.

“Fans are going to go mental,” admitted McInnes. “We only announced the merger this morning, and already I’ve been booted up the hole twice in separate incidents. I don’t even know which club the booters supported.”

“I think my tail bone is cracked,” he added.

Redknapp

The clubs have announced that Harry Redknapp will chair the merger committee. Having managed both clubs, it’s hoped that the Londoner can bring a unique insight to the project.

“It’ll be a doddle,” Redknapp told Soccer on Sunday. “I know a geezer from Hackney who’ll bulldoze Fratton for a song. He’ll even hire the whole Pompey squad as labourers, off the books. Bish, Bash, Bosh, Bob’s your uncle.”

“Cushdy,” he added.