Ahead of the Republic of Ireland’s round of 16 clash with France, I’ve taken it upon myself to have a look at where Irish-Franco relations began…sort of.

The Irish and French have had some right-old tussles in the past. Go back as far as the 12th century and you’ll see the Normans came to town for a nosebag and some fisty cuffs, sending Strongbow with a bag of cans to conquer the lush green lands of Leinster. This only came about after some traitorous Irish bastards had lost their territory and had gone crying to Henry II of England.

To set this up I have to name and shame this traitor, and he is none other than, Diarmait Mac Murchada. He had been ousted as King of Leinster and went whining to King Thierry Henry II. Diarmait for some ungodly reason got the Normans involved, and the man named after a can of cider was promised Diarmait’s daughter and kingship of Leinster, which sounds like an absolutely terrible deal.

We the Irish have never been good at haggling or organising a good deal for ourselves. Just look at how the Troika bent us over backwards when we went and bought a load of houses and other things we couldn’t afford.

Even when we go on holidays and the street vendors give us a price, we can’t haggle for shit, unless you’re from Cavan.

Anyway, that’s how the Normans got whiff of our women and our lands. They stayed for a few years taking our land and women. Strongbow took Waterford, or Wexford, I can’t remember which, I always get them mixed-up.

King Henry even made his way over in 1171 to see what he could get for himself. But in fairness to the French it hasn’t always been rape and pillage. I think they were just influenced too much by the English.

Moving further along the timeline and during the 1798 rebellion, General John Joseph Amable Humbert and 1,000 French soldiers landed on the shores of Mayo. Their goal? To fight shoulder-to-shoulder with the local Irish rebels, against a nation all of Europe now hates, the English. (Technically it was Britain the French had come to fight, but my history teacher won’t be correcting this, so it’s all good.)

Had Brexit been passed back in the 18th century, Ireland could have had the backing of not just the French, but the entire European continent, and we could have toppled the original hipster colonists ages ago.

General Humbert and his men came with shiny muskets, sabres, and beautiful cavalry swords. When Humbert saw the Irish rebels who had turned-up to help fight, he was greeted by a group of lads ready for a good old fashioned barn brawl. They were a rag-tag bunch, who had minimal army training and had raided their respective sheds for loys and pitchforks.

In fairness to Humbert he could have said: “Fuck this, I’m back off to France.”, instead he stayed and helped inflict a humiliating defeat on the English in Castlebar, and also helped establish the very short-lived Republic of Connacht. Wolfe Tone himself would arrive not long after, but as we know, that went bloody tits-up.

It hasn’t always been the French offering their military might to the Irish, in fact, we’ve offered our services to the boys across the English Channel since the 18th century. According to HistoryIreland.com, during that period, the French army included about half-a-dozen Irish regiments, named after commanders: Walsh, Clare, Lally and Dillon. In more recent times, the Irish and French have shared duties on UN peacekeeping missions in countries like Mali.

So there you have it, a brief history of Irish-Franco relations…sort of.

If you’d like citations for the statements and facts made in this piece you can send a postcard with your name and address to, PO Box 127, and I may or may not get back to you in seven to eight working months.