October 20th, Age 17

—

I didn’t fall asleep on that side of the bed. Now I didn’t always know if I seized or if Andrea touched me while I slept. He said that I looked too cute then. At least my pacifier didn’t fall out. Andrea thought it was an adorable, simple distraction for me. It helped me not grind my teeth as much and forget about…

…what happened.

It was two months ago but I still felt empty inside without Margo. I kept my first and only sonogram of her and a few pictures of Andrea and Anthony holding her. She caused a tear and I lost her at seventeen weeks, but she was a perfect little girl that I didn’t even get to say good-bye to. I bled out and she almost killed me too, but that didn’t matter to me.

I still wanted to die, but I remembered that Andrea had to go through that already with his first wife. So I did everything he thought would help us stay afloat. He missed his baby girl too. But he still had me, his sweet baby Thu.

Sometimes my mouth hurt with that pacifier in.

Andrea would have loved to stay home all day and treat me like his special baby girl, but he had a bank to run from the very top. He wanted to retire for me, but he didn’t have a good CEO pick. Even Mike needed to get well and finish uni. So he stayed. I wondered if it was late enough for him to be home. Sometimes he spent lunch with me and would feed me a protein shake. I didn’t feel like eating but I tolerated those.

Anthony worried about my weight a lot more than daddy did. He wanted to send me to the hospital right when he moved in because he said I was emaciated and probably dying. But he tried to feed me oatmeal and yoghurt and peanut butter sandwiches and I didn’t want those. I only liked protein shakes because I didn’t feel like I was eating. And a lot of other food made me feel sick, unless Andrea cooked it. I bet Anthony’s would too.

He sat down next to me to me on the bed. I liked leaning on Anthony. He didn’t kiss my body and touch my princess parts like Andrea did, but he was sturdy and warm and liked to cuddle with me.

And then he said something awful.

“I bought coconut milk yoghurt. I thought you’d digest it better.”

Anthony was probably right. He put it all in a glass bowl for me and topped it with fresh berries. He had a case of beer next to it in the fridge. He was always drinking that stuff in front of me. He said it took a lot to make him drunk, and he was the biggest person I ever knew.

I watched him drink his beer. I wondered what he felt. I was weak and sad from losing my baby but that couldn’t happen to Anthony. But he still looked…broken. Almost as broken as I was.

“I can’t do it!” He came to check if I was eating. But I cried instead.

“I know…but you have to. It’s good for you, and you’ll feel a lot better,” said Anthony. “Please? I’m…dad will kill me if anything happens to you.”

“But then your dad won’t love me anymore.” I should have trusted Andrea more than that. But he always told me how much he loved having a soft, tiny princess to care for. He loved all the cuddles and feeding me and giving me a warm bath every night. I didn’t know what I did for him otherwise. Being pregnant and losing Margo made me learn that I was just ill and defective and useless and I hated myself for all of it. I was glad he found something about me that he loved.

Even Anthony liked having me to take care of. I knew he did, even if he never said it.

He sighed. “Do you need to take a nap?”

Anthony sometimes had fun things for me to do. We’d watch TV together, or he’d help me color a drawing in the coloring books he bought me. But I needed to sleep too. It was a bad day. I felt more alone and disgusting than usual. I wanted Andrea to be there and tell me I wasn’t.

And I wanted Anthony to tell me why he was sad. I wished that I knew more about him. Then we’d have something in common and understand each other.

He sighed. “He’d still love you…I know he would.”

He drank a few more beers and I found myself sleeping on top of him again. Anthony was like a big, firm mattress and kept me warm when I had trouble staying warm on my own.

He didn’t mind it. I wondered if Anthony was like me like that too. I needed lots of hugs and snuggles so I didn’t feel unloved again. Maybe that was why he drank. He needed more hugs.

Andrea didn’t seem to understand, though.

Andrea gave me what I wanted. It took an hour but I drank all the protein shakes me fed me and then I fell into his arms so he could tell me a story. Andrea used to go to great places with his wife.

All I did was fall asleep on top of him. Maybe I could get tough and get better and go to places like the French Alps and China. But those places scared me.

—

October 21st, Age 18

—

I used to be excited to turn 18. It meant that Andrea could tell everyone about our relationship and bring me places. But I didn’t feel anything at all. I still only thought about how I should have still been pregnant.

Andrea asked me if I wanted more clothes. I lazed around his apartment in pajamas and clothes of his I stole. They were so warm and cozy and smelled like him. He would buy me anything I wanted and asked about it every day. I once told him that I always wanted a real silk áo dài. Mẹ had a blue one she brought with her from Vietnam but it didn’t fit me and it was blue. I didn’t like blue.

“And you are the most beautiful birthday princess I’ve seen.”

He bought a pink one for my birthday and I should have loved it. I should have loved it and the jewelry he bought but I didn’t. I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to walk and I pulled out hair while tying it back.

“I’ll carry you out,” said Andrea. “I have something special planned.”

I hugged onto him. “You still love me, right?”

He gave me a hard squeeze and a lift. “In sickness and in health, princess.”

Andrea set up a party for me that no one else came to. It was just us and Anthony. But Andrea had everything else that a birthday party needed. He had tons of presents and balloons and a tiered cake with homemade buttercream.

“…so I remembered when you told me that you never had a real birthday party,” said Andrea. “My mum really wanted to come, and you should see what she got you…”

I couldn’t even fully listen. My head was spinning that day and I didn’t want to be in my skin anymore. I wanted to cut myself out of it but I would shake too much holding the knife.

“Princess, you can make a wish now,” said Andrea. “And you can tell it to me, because I can make anything come true.”

I started to tear up. “But I’m…I’m not a good person. I’m sick and broken and I’m always gonna feel this way and no one else loves me ‘cause of it”

“Oh…dear.” Andrea cleared his throat. “You’re an amazing person, and I should have sent out more invites…do you want this party to end?”

I nodded. Anthony cleared the table while Andrea carried me to the couch.

He put The Wedding Singer on, but I started to fall asleep. It was one of my favorite movies but it didn’t make me happy. I didn’t know what did. I was miserable thinking of myself anywhere. I thought that being daddy’s little girl would help, but it was just all I knew how to be.

“…darling, you don’t need to change. And you don’t have to be the same. You have to do what feels right for you and not think about anyone else. Then you’ll be happy like I am.”