The Vampire Diaries S07E02: "Never Let Me Go"

The popular yet terrible phrase "everything happens for a reason" is among the biggest lies ever told. Popular because it oversimplifies an existence that is unfathomably complicated, and terrible because more often than not, things happen for no reason whatsoever.

"Never Let Me Go" was the second episode of Season 7 of The Vampire Diaries. Let's talk about it.

We started three years in the future, in Dallas! We knew we were in for a treat when the scene opened on a local news broadcast. Very few things are as entertaining as local news broadcasts, and this made me suddenly wish and pray for a TV show about vampires doing local news. But anyway, guess who was the Type A news producer running around yelling at everybody?

Caroline! She was basically playing the Rene Russo character from Nightcrawler and if I'm being quite honest, she seemed like she was doing a good job! But then her assistant came up and cryptically referred to her "fiancé" having called, and how this "fiancé" wanted Caroline to come with him for a last-minute trip to Mystic Falls, the idea of which sent Caroline into a blind rage. So this was how the flash-forwards were going to be: Teasing us with the identity of who Caroline's fiancé might be, while also alluding to some mysterious reason why she can "never go back there." Flash forward, ya killin' me!





We then got a SECOND cold open, which made me feel relieved, since if we only ever get flash-forwards anymore, then TVD might not always have time to do any of its horror-y cold opens anymore. But this one was good: Two local youngsters were trespassing into the evacuated Mystic Falls woods with ghost hunters equipment, trying to film the Salvatore mausoleum and junk like that. But of course things didn't go as planned.

Yep, they got ATE UP by Heretics in some very Paranormal Activity-esque found footage. Also Matt Donovan was somehow in the mix firing his gun at everything or whatever. But overall this was a fresh take on a normal TVD scare-intro and I approve.

Meanwhile at college, Alaric was teaching a (standing room only!) class about how monsters don't exist. So, Alaric is a LIAR now. Just an outrageous liar. I guess his intention was to get the teens to stop sneaking into Mystic Falls for amateur monster hunts, but I still found it pretty troubling that a respected academic with an unthinkable amount of experience in the paranormal would decide to lie to everybody like this. I know this is a show about heroic murderers, but for some reason this moment kinda rubbed me the wrong way. DON'T LIE.

Back in Mystic Falls, word hadn't yet reached Stefan yet that the Heretics were on a revenge-fueled rampage over the murder of their compatriot Malcolm. Stefan had his notifications turned off probably, but then he learned about the Heretics' anger the old-fashioned way when the mute Heretic Bo jumped in front of his car and zapped Stefan's brain a ton.

Then Lily walked up and told him that she was real steamed and her gang had kidnapped Caroline. Do you think Stefan was happy to hear this? No, he was not.

Meanwhile, Enzo was busy tying up Caroline in an extremely painful manner in the Salvatore dungeon. Is Enzo the worst now? That is a question for discussion amongst you and your friends because me and Caroline are pretty sure he is the worst now.

She wasn't totally sure why he was being such a total dick lately, and frankly neither was I. But, again, at least he has a better hairdo this season.



Even though Caroline did the right thing and headbutted Enzo in the face, busted up the chair she was tied to, and ran the F*CK outta there, she forgot that she was in a house full of witch-vampires who could make her fall asleep with just a light yammer. So, nice try, lil lady, but in what became a recurring element of this episode all her attempts to leave failed. :(

Stefan was VERY disappointed in Damon for pulling a "classic Damon" move like preemptively murdering an enemy, especially since it got his girlfriend captured. So he made Damon MAKE IT RIGHT. Next thing we knew Damon was on the doorstep of his very own house trying to apologize to Lily.

For one thing, she stated for the record yet again that she did not consider Stefan or Damon to be her sons, and that the Heretics were her new family now. I don't know about you, but I am 100 percent sick of hearing her say this junk. The main reason being that there doesn't seem to be a ton of affection between the Heretics, so stop pretending you have some deep bond with them, lady. But also, when IRL families split apart and swear each other off, it's usually for reasons much more grave than "I had to go." You know? If she takes family THIS seriously, then it just doesn't make sense for her to be writing off her own children without reason or remorse. Even though she presents herself as this reasonable, caring person she's very hatable, is what I'm saying. That being said, she's a BOSS when it comes to legal documents.

In one of the more roundabout schemes in vampire history, Lily, I guess, tracked down Matt Donovan, signed the Salvatore Boarding House deed over to him, compelled him to disinvite outside vampires from entering, and then erased his memory? Complicated stuff, considering any one of the Heretics probably could've just put up a force-field using witch magic. (And didn't Elena still own the house anyway?) I don't know. But this meant that in order to save Caroline they'd have to figure out how to infiltrate this barrier!

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