(I first started thinking about this concept after reading a piece by Spectra “Straight Allies, White Anti-Racists, Male Feminists (and Other Labels That Mean Nothing to Me” Please read her article as it is the fount for my own thinking about allies. Also, the concept of being a good person instead of being rewarded for allyship good deeds was first introduced to me by Sparky at Womanist Musings with “Spark of Wisdom: Praising Someone For Being a Decent Person” which I hope you read as well.)

There are some parts of my identity in which people can be an ally to me: as someone who grew up on the poverty line, as a woman, and as a veteran.

In all situations, I’ve had well-meaning allies plop down to me and explain to me my struggles, my life, and what I should do about it. They seem to think that having knowledge about people in my situation means that they know me. Sometimes, it as though they feel being an ally means they are on a rung higher than me, and are coming down to help.

It’s always jarring, disconcerting, and a relationship killer. I don’t want to be friends or explain my story to an ally. I feel labeled, and half of the time they’re still wrong. It seems like they aren’t about viewing me as an equal as much as they are sorry that they feel better off than me.

I think the concept of being an ally shifts the goal away from where it ought to be. Instead of helping the person who has been targeted for oppression, it helps the privileged person feel better about themselves. It gives them a relationship they haven’t earned. Now they have something to do - become a wikipedia for an experience they can’t have.

I think the goal should be to add cultural sensitivity to the list of qualities that makes a good person. If you are a good person, you:

Purposefully seeks to learn from and learn about people who are not from your culture Listen to others about their culture instead of telling them what you know about it Don’t assume that knowing about another’s culture means you have a relationship with that culture (a relationship being with another person or people instead of relating to a culture in the abstract) Share what you’ve heard from the different culture with people from your culture, but share it in the original voice, not through their cultural lense. (If someone from your culture asks you, feel free to say what you think but refer them back to the source as much as possible) Give credit to who you learned concepts from, and thank them for teaching them Own up to mistakes, admit ignorance, apologize for denying or being defensive Think about all the negative messaging you’ve received about another culture Find all the negative things that have been ignored about your culture, and work on them so that your culture is better for having you in it, admit to others in your culture that they exist when your culture attempt to ignore or gloss over it, hold people in your culture accountable. You should do this more than trying to “help” another culture when you haven’t been asked to help. When two people from a different culture argue have differing points, you don’t step in and rule one side the victor over the other, or assume that you have any say in it at all. Let that community figure it out. Never use the debate as a reason to deny a critique on you. You’re not from the culture, you don’t get to decide. Don’t point out what you see as hypocrisy about another culture or internalized oppression. If someone from that culture didn’t ask for it, don’t give it. If you’re not from that culture or have a deep relationship with it, then you probably don’t know why that hypocrisy or internalized oppression exists. It is not your job to police it. If you know a person’s identity but don’t know a person, you don’t ask them questions about their identity. You google it instead or ask someone who has opened themselves up to be asked. If you are friends with someone who has a different identity than you, you know that identity is a part of who they are, your entire relationship with them is not based completely off that identity. You seek perspectives that have been typically ignored and share those perspectives in their original composition. If people that are part of another culture invite you in, you do what they ask based on the relationships that you form there instead of doing what you think they should tell you to do. You know your culture, the relationships you have with it, its foundations and the reason why it is as it is today, and are authentic to it without closing it off from others who are not a part of it. Respect no. You don’t ask a question unless no is an answer you’ll take. If you get told no, (like no, you can’t say that word and no, you can’t wear that part of our culture) you’ll take the time to research yourself why you were told no instead of instantly asking why.

Instead of allyship, I think this is a way for people to focus on being inter-culturally sensitive. It should be a quality that defines a good person rather than assumed relationship that hasn’t been asked for. I would rather have a friend than an ally, and would like to be friends with good people from a ton of different backgrounds, “privileged” and “unprivileged” alike. I don’t know if this concept is applicable to people from other communities, but it is much easier for me to build trust with someone who has these qualities than with someone who identifies as an ally.