How to Write an Anti-Bike Commentary—Without the Nuisance of Actual Thought

A local newspaper this week published yet another anti-cyclist commentary, and it just seemed so…inefficient. The same predictable column has been written hundreds of times, each triggering the same predictable cycle of outrage. Shouldn’t algorithms—machine learning, if you will—be able to write these for us by now?

Therefore I humbly offer the following template to any of my peers in local media, free to use any time there is a desperate need for content to be funneled and clicks to be baited.

Let me tell you, cyclists are such – CHOOSE ONE – whiny babies latte-sipping, Lycra-wearing libtards Lance Armstrong wannabes little bike people . This one time I drove in to the city from my home in – CHOOSE ONE – Evanston Berwyn Naperville and I saw someone on a bike – CHOOSE ONE – not wearing a helmet or clean underwear run a stop sign almost graze a jaywalker park for free surprise an inattentive driver flip me off after she felt I’d endangered her life . It made me feel so – CHOOSE ONE – mad entitled old ! Bikes aren’t like cars, which – CHOOSE ONE – totally pay their share of costs never speed ALWAYS stop at stop signs never hurt anyone, ever , so it’s just not fair that – CHOOSE ONE – bike infrastructure receives public funds drivers that maim cyclists have to pay a small fine 12 Divvy bikes get to dock where I’d like to park my car I’m expected to slow down once in awhile . Therefore bikes should be – CHOOSE ONE – run off the road licensed like cars taxed into oblivion . This will surely bring an end to all those times – CHOOSE ONE – cyclists injure drivers I see someone having more fun than me I have my commute impeded I feel old . Anyone who disagrees is probably just – CHOOSE ONE – a millennial askin’ for a moutza .

Share







