↓ Continue Reading Below Advertisement Not only did he smack the bishop, but he did it in front of Emperor Constantine and so many other people that his holy fisticuffs became the stuff of legends. But bishop-slapping wasn't Nicholas' only claim to fame. Of all his strong opinions, none matched his hatred of paganism. According to legend, Nick then personally oversaw the violent destruction of the Temple of Artemis. And as luck would have it, there were people who actually lived in the temple! So what happened when the now-homeless priests ran up to Nicholas and begged for mercy? "Go to hell's fire, which has been lit for you by the devil," he replied, his world-weary belly shaking like a bowl full of broken glass.

"Gimme that sword. You decapitate like a goddamn sissy." ↓ Continue Reading Below Advertisement

2 St. Nick, Crime Scene Investigator St. Nick, Crime Scene Investigator St. Nick's done more for the wee ones of the world than to simply command his elven hive to build Tonka trucks. According to one fable, Nicholas met an innkeeper who butchered three kids and pickled them during a famine so he could try to pass them off as ham. After God's cosmic prodding led Nicholas to their corpses, he prayed to divinely stitch their little salty dismembered bodies back together. Metropolitan Museum of Art

"From this day forth, you will be known as 'The Pickle Triplets' and possess all the powers of sodium." ↓ Continue Reading Below Advertisement We're not saying that you should build a trio of barfy gherkin golems on Christmas Eve instead of gingerbread men ... actually, fuck it, that's exactly what we're saying. And if you won't do that, at least don some Vlasic-soaked rags and dress up as St. Nick's jaunty archnemesis "The Cannibal Hotelier" to spook the neighborhood carolers with some briny pranks.

"SANTA SAYS 'HO-HO-HO!' I GO 'OH-OH-OH!'"