No innuendo here, just a premise for a How-To book that seems almost criminally retarded. However the author is a Captain, as the cover so proudly notes, so we'll assume he's a wise man who's yet to sink a raft of Cuban refugees. Our favorite part is the "Second Edition" note on the cover. Really, you needed to update a book whose only page should read "Move right or, if unable to, move left?" What could be less useful?

8 "How to Read a Book" by Mortimer J. Adler Continue Reading Below Advertisement Ah, that would probably do it.

7 "277 Secrets Your Snake (and Lizard) Wants You to Know" by Paulette Cooper As a general rule of thumb, secrets are only interesting if they're useful, and we're really doubtful that your garter snake knows the identity of the Zodiac Killer, so it's safe to assume this is a pretty dull read. An excerpt from this tome of knowledge gives us one such secret: "The most popular name for a pet python is Monty." We're more than curious how many of the 277 "snake secrets" Paulette had to run through before she pulled that one out of her ass.

6 "Bombproof Your Horse" by Rick Pellicano If Bombproof Your Horse could actually deliver on the promise of the title, it would be one of the most bad-ass things ever made by the hands of men. Continue Reading Below Advertisement Sadly, this book cannot teach you how to ride a horse through a torrent of flame and the hail of machine gun-fire. If it could, the horses would have gotten ahold of it and taken over the world by now.

5 "Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them" by Roger Welsch Oh, so we're back to this again? Is there no sexual perversion you aren't willing to explore, Poorly-Worded Book Title Innuendo? Look at it. You can try to convince us that this isn't a book about Southern men having unprotected sex with rusty farm equipment, but the face of that guy on the cover just implies a broken marriage and a series of tetanus shots.

4 "The Great Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories" by Alisa Surkis and Monical Nolan Continue Reading Below Advertisement Now we're sure about this one. It's clearly catering to at least one sexual fetish (unless it's just Old West stories that take place on the island of Lesbos) but we aren't sure exactly which one. We'd look into it a little deeper but we don't really want to know what sounds lesbian horses make during sex and what kind of apparatus they use.

3 "Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Mind Power: How to Use the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts " by Donald Wilson We're going to come out right now and say that the power of positive thinking is not enough to increase anyone's bust size. If it was, guys would have been abusing this sexy yet potentially hilarious flaw in God's design well before this book was published in 1979.

2 "Celtic Sex Magic" by John G. Hughes Continue Reading Below Advertisement We aren't entirely sure what sex magic entails, let alone Celtic sex magic. But if this book teaches you to pull a rabbit out from anywhere other than your hat--especially if it requires you have Larry Bird nearby--please keep that trick to yourself. Still, it's nice to have a book that's actually about weird-ass sex practices, instead of some kind of crude misunderstanding based on a poorly thought-out title.

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