gabetwee:

I bought 4 tickets to this thing because I figured my friends would want to go.

They did not.

I do not have any friends.

I went to the concert anyway because that’s what Amelia Earhart would do assuming Amelia Earhart liked rap music.

I said that aloud to myself in the car a few times.

“Amelia Earhart wouldn’t give a fuck Amelia Earhart would go see Das Racist all by herself.”

I wore a forest green cardigan.

I put a lot of things in my backpack that I would actually not need.

I parked really far away.

I was 2 hours early.

I made friends with the bouncer during that time and he seemed pretty nice.

I went into the bar with 4 tickets but I just handed the extras to whoever because I didn’t care even though they cost me a bunch of money.

I didn’t actually say anything to anybody I just stood in line and clutched my stupid backpack in front of me because my hands didn’t know what to do.

I got in the venue eventually and got smashed between a big haired drunk girl and some boys in dumb hats acting social.

The show hadn’t started but Dap was just like wandering around all drunk and everybody clapped.

I held tight to my backpack some more.

I was getting very excited.

Some shitty rap group happened and then Despot happened and then the show happened which wasn’t very eventful except Heems got really drunk and Dap stuck his fingers in an electrical socket and I got to rap a line from “Rainbow In The Dark” into the microphone.

After the show, Vic said they weren’t gonna do an encore and he started playing that annoying “bew bew bewbewbew” sound that sometimes happens in rap songs to make us go away.

Nobody moved though.

Everyone else was getting all mad and turning to each other all exasperated and exchanging stupid outraged looks with their mouths hanging open everywhere.

I couldn’t stop laughing.

Victor saw me laughing.

I mouthed, “stahhhp” (still laughing)

He mouthed, “c’mere”

I mouthed, “up there?”

He rolled his eyes and pointed at the floor next to him.

I looked around for a sec, but Amelia Earhart wouldn’t give a fuck she wouldn’t hesitate Amelia Earhart would stop clutching her stupid useless backpack and get up there so I did.

I squeezed past people all the way up to the edge of the stage and I shoved a little which pissed people off I bet but whatever.

I hoisted me and my backpack right up there and walked over all cautious and a little starstruck maybe.

Victor Vasquez hands me his phone.

He just HANDS it to me and goes, “put your number in there I’ll find you in a little bit”

So anyway the crowd is drunk and leaving so I decide to park it on the edge of the stage.

I’m sitting there for a hot red second and I hear a kinda gross throat clear behind me so I turn around a little curious and a little disgusted to find Dap back there looking at me.

He goes, “You got a cigarette?”

I did. I did have a cigarette. I had one behind my ear.

So I pull it out from behind my ear and shove it in his direction.

“Sure do,” I say.

Then he gets this big pleased look on his face and he says, “You know we’re married now. In my country, when a girl gives a guy a cigarette they’re married.”

Then he stood up and motioned for me to follow him outside and we smoked by a dumpster.

It was rad and he spent a bunch of time making fun of me for coming to his show alone and then some dude rushes up to us and is being super annoying asking for Dap’s autograph and just generally being terrible until Dap just puts a hand up and goes,

“Dude. Can’t you see I’m busy? I don’t know if you’ve met my wife. But this is Gwen. My wife. My WIFE okay?? So I’d appreciate it if I could have some time alone with her.”

And the dude was all apologetic and I felt kinda bad for him but I really didn’t because I was too busy feeling important and superior.

Then Dap asked me to go out with them.

I’m like “uh maybe,” because I was 19 and I was wearing a cardigan.

But I did end up going out with them.

Heems, Vic, Dap, Despot, Lakutis, their manager, and me. Wandering around Iowa city. With a gaggle of girls in sparkly skirts following us around being loud.

I get into this bar with them and Dap is introducing me to every stranger as his wife and he is crushing and snorting my ADD medicine on the table, and we somehow LOST Heems who came back with a black eye, and Lakutis told me that I reminded him of Pepper Ann or something and I received many compliments on my forest green cardigan I was having a great time.

Then one by one, they asked me to come hang with them at their hotel.

Listen. I can sometimes be hella naive and trusting.

And this was one of those times.

So I get in the van with them and they start getting super apathetic and depressing but then they decide to shoot off a firework when we get to the hotel.

I’m all, “This is loud and illegal maybe we shouldn’t?”

And they were all, “Shh.”

So the rocket happened, and then we went inside, and then the story goes super downhill.

They smoked a ton of a lot of things in their non-smoking hotel room.

Heems grabbed my boob and then went to call his girlfriend.

Dap asked me to sleep in his bed a couple times and then gave up.

Lakutis asked if he could kiss me and when I said no he just decided to sneak attack kiss me on the mouth.

Vic laughed at me a lot as if I knew this was gonna happen.

Despot was asleep I think.

So I pulled their manager aside and I go, “I’m scared. I don’t want to do anything with anybody.”

And he said, “I’m sober. You can sleep in my bed I won’t try anything.”

But then I was falling asleep and he tried anyway so I pretended to be dead.

In the morning I heard:

“Did you get any?”

“No.”

“Fuckin Iowa, man.”

So we all piled back in the van and they dropped me off 3 miles from my car and my ADD meds were gone and so were all my cigarettes and Dap followed me on twitter for like a week.