A three-part series on survival skills for leaders that you can use anywhere with anybody

What if you had a road map for interpersonal skills? Would you use it? Did you ever ask yourself if you truly have good communication skills? Do you know how to control a conversation by engaging others? Do you know your way out of sticky situations?

Last week I attended a 3-day training seminar on leadership skills. John Eller, Ph.D., was the instructor and much of the discussion here is based on Dr. Eller’s seminar, which I attended from November 18th through November 20th, 2014. Without a doubt, Dr. Eller’s seminar was one of the better ones that I’ve attended. There are probably a number of reasons for good seminars. One reason, of course, is the charisma of the instructor and how she or he conveys the message. I attribute the instructor’s communications skills as the primary reason for a good seminar. The message is almost secondary. Yet, the message this instructor conveyed resonated with me. I want to share what I’ve learned in a three-part series on leadership skills that you can use in whatever situation you’ll find yourself. You can use these skills in every-day situations: at work as a supervisor or team leader, when confronted by difficult people, or simply getting along better with your supervisor or coworkers. These skills have tremendous value at home, too. You can use them when dealing with your spouse, children, friends, or family members. With the holidays around the corner, who wouldn’t love to be able to handle tough situations and show off new skills to the family.

Although there are many skills to choose from, I selected three as my favorites because we can use them right away. We can even become better at them over a period of time if we consciously train ourselves every day. The skills are: Temporary Suspension of Opinion, framing, paraphrasing and reflecting.

So, let’s start with the first one of my three-part leadership skills review: Temporary Suspension of Opinion. Tomorrow, I will cover framing skills, and the following day, paraphrasing and reflecting.

Temporary Suspension of Opinion is a meta-cognitive competence that is a little bit like learning how to ride a bicycle. Initially, you feel a bit wobbly, but once you’ve mastered the skill, it’s difficult to forget. Simply put, you listen to the other person without sharing your emotions, thoughts, or opinions right away. Instead of talking or adding to the conversation, you just listen to what is being said. For some, this skill may be challenging and take enormous effort. In today’s world, we love to have things done quickly. The same is true for giving advice. We jump in only to later regret having said a word, or shut down the person who was talking. Temporary Suspension of Opinion increases your internal listening skills. It is a strategic skill that allows you to concentrate on what the person who is talking to you is actually saying, without judgment or preconceived notions.

Temporary Suspension of Opinion will also help us control our nonverbal cues. Temporary Suspension of Opinion helps your conscious control you from eye rolling, smirking, frowning or giving other signals. All these behaviors can damage a relationship with a coworker, supervisor, family member, or friend. Temporary Suspension of Opinion is collaborative and empowering. What if you apply Temporary Suspension of Opinion to your spouse or other family member? Can you imagine how your spouse, child, or parent will react? They will be glad you suspended your judgment. So, how do you master the skill exactly?

There are three parts to learning the skill. First, be an active listener. Active listening allows you to take it all in. You hear what the other person is saying and get the whole story from the person talking to you. Practice this skill initially for about 10 seconds, then go for 20 seconds, and so on. Do this over a four to six month period. It will become easier. “What?” you say, “10 seconds is easy.” Yes, 10 seconds do not seem like an eternity, but you will see how time is standing still when you want to add something to the conversation and cannot. What happens to you internally is that you are being challenged. Here is some advice on how to turn the challenge into a positive: Concentrate on “holding-back.” Concentration requires effort because by just listening you are telling the other person to continue talking. You are also showing your interest in hearing what the other person is saying.

Second, be a diagnostic listener. The diagnostic stage gives you an opportunity to think about what you want to say. Instead of saying what you would normally say, visualize what you would normally say, or say what you would normally say in your head.

Third, be a calm listener. During the calm stage you will have to show you are “cool and collective.” You are putting your emotions in check, suspend your judgments, and keep your composure. Just listen to the person and don’t take what they say personal.

Don’t forget that you’ll apply the skill just temporarily. After you heard what the person said, you may want to sum up what they were saying.

In all three stages, it is vital that you continue your eye contact and observe the other person’s facial or body expression. Temporary Suspension of Opinion is about energy after all. If you introduce Temporary Suspension of Opinion in a group setting, you’ll quickly see that people will be energized by the skill. Others appreciate you more and also listen to what you are saying.

Tomorrow, I’ll discuss the concept of framing in a team setting. Let me end with a quote from Winston Churchill, who summed up Temporary Suspension of Opinion quite nicely: “We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.”