Gary gives some tips at first for just cutting back on the grubby rubbins to keep it manageable, but then at the end offers up some alternative ideas to occupy your time instead of trying to rub one out. So what should you do if you have the urge to play crotch whack-a-mole but for whatever reason you want to abstain? Watch an episode of your favorite TV show! After all, who among us hasn't been three belt notches deep in a stiffy and on the precipice of giving old Mr. Throb Knobble a trip to the finger gibbet when an old episode of Reba comes on and you just get whisked away to Pleasuretown without even putting a touch of stress on your prostate? I'd include a similar analogy here for women, but Wikipedia's page on female reproductive anatomy is barely hilarious at all. I have a half-formed joke about watching Two and a Half Men and its effect on your fallopian tubes. Maybe I'll work it in by the end of the article.

wikipedia.org

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Ladies, feeling any eggs dropping?

If you're one of the sad few who doesn't have cable handy to wrangle your libidinous and terrifying loins, don't despair. Gary is not out of ideas just yet. He also suggests a good reward for yourself, instead of quaking your quim, is eating sweets. But wait, you say, won't you gain weight if you opt to have a Snickers every time your skin flute whistles for your attention? Oh shit son, you don't know Gary. He saw that coming and literally typed the following: "Try eating a couple of raisins."

I'm going to be honest; I legitimately had to stop masturbating when I read that the first time because I was laughing so hard. Why didn't I ever think of that? Feeling a little randy, are we? Couple of decrepit grapes oughta get that in check. Hey felons, prison sex got you down? Keep a box of Sunmaid raisins in your crack and turn that potential rapist into a definite friend for life! I'm not horny anymore, I'm just really sad that I'm eating raisins!