FEATURED VIDEO

You walk across the hall into your office, sit down at your desk, open up a new document, are about to strike the first key, and you hear,

“DIIIIIIICCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOK AT WHAT NUMBER 7 DID!”

You go back across the hall.

You see this:

Ugh.

Your meeting is in 1 hour.

You clean up Number 7, move the markers out of reach, get your other employees back on track, and go back across the hall.

You are three sentences into your document, when again, you hear,

“DDDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCKKKK!!!!

SHE DID IT AGAIN!!!”

You go back to the meeting room and see this:

Shit.

You forgot about the plants.

You remove those, and any other writing implements you left behind the last time.

You turn on the tv, forget the activity, and tell your employees to watch a show, be quiet, and keep their hands to themselves.

You go back to your office.

You manage to type your entire document.

You even get to print it out.

It’s been 15 minutes, and you still haven’t been interrupted.

You take advantage of the situation, and you reply to a couple emails.

It’s still quiet across the hall.

You have to pee, so you tiptoe to the bathroom.

You have to pass the meeting room on your way.

When you do, you peek in, and you see this:

Fuck.

Remember, you can’t swear (out loud).

And be careful of what you say to your employees.

Screaming something at them out of anger and frustration may scar them for life.

And whatever words you do use will be repeated to every single person your employees ever cross paths with.

Choose your words carefully.

You take a deep breath and try to maintain your composure, but your presentation is in ten minutes.

You are running out of time.

You throw your employees into your office.

You lock the door to the meeting room.

You’ll do the presentation in a different room.

Advertisement

You clean up your employees, move them into room#2, and sit them as far away from each other as possible.

You left your document in your office and you run to get it.

When you come back, you see employee Number 7 decided to doll herself up.

Oh well.

You don’t have time to wash it off.

Every office has that slutty chick anyway.

You begin your presentation to your clients and the entire time,

Number 7 is trying to pull your pants off,

Number 5 is crying hysterically because her nail polish is messed up on one finger, and Number 6 is alternating between picking his nose and playing with his penis.

You need a break.

You haven’t had a chance to go to the bathroom, and the first meeting room you put your employees in is still trashed.

You also still have to make that phone call.

And then, it happens.

Now you also have to take a dump.

You tell your employees they can play on the computer for a couple minutes.

“Where are you going?” they all ask.

You try to deflect the question.

“You guys play on the computer. I’ll be right back,” you tell them.

You get to the bathroom, shut the door, sit on the toilet, and exhale.

3 seconds later.

Knock…

Knock… Knock.

KNOCKKNOCKNOCKKNOCKNOCKKNOCKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!

“Dick? DICK????

DIIIIICCCKKKKKIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Can I come in? DICKIE? What are you doing in there???

ARE YOU POOPING???”

Screw it.

You open the door and let your employees in the bathroom while you take a crap.

They will all ask if they can see your poop, why you have hair down there, and how much longer you are going to take.

When you are done, you put them back in your office. You tell them if they do what they are supposed to do while you make a phone call, you will give them a big ass bonus.

You dial the number and walk into the hallway.

“Dick? Dick? Dick? Dick?DDDDIIIIIICCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DICKIE!!!! Who are you talking to?

Is that Bob?

Is it Mike?

Is it Jane?

I want to say hi!

Can I say hi?

DICK!!!! I. WANT. TO. SAY. HI. TO. JOHN!!

DDDDDDDIIIIIICCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!”

Remember.

No swearing.

No scarring-for-life-screamfests.

Oh yeah.

No empty threats either.

“I’m so sorry. Can you hold on for one second?” you say to the very important customer on the other end of the line.

You put the phone down.

You grab your employees by the arms, drag them into your office, through clenched teeth threaten them with the longest, most tedious job assignment EVER, and close the door behind you.

You are confident you have scared the crap out of them. They will do whatever the hell you tell them to do.

You finish your phone call. You head back to the office where you are sure you will see your employees obediently waiting for you.

And you see this:

But don’t worry.

It’s almost 10:00.

You only have seven hours to go until you get to go home.

I mean, unless you are a stay at home mom.

Then you get to do this shit 24/7.

Related post: 25 Ways You Know You’re a Stay at Home Mom