Today we’re busting myths! Like that show with the annoying guy and the guy with the walrus mustache. But we’re not worried about what happens when you drop a penny from the CN tower, or when there’s a brick in your back window and you slam on the breaks. No, we’re discussing modern dad myths! There are plenty, and I will likely do another one of these in the future. For now, we are going to take a look at three of my favorites. Enjoy!

Myth: SAHDs play video games all day.

Where the fuck did this one even come from? I saw an article the other day, probably from Buzfeed or some other piece of shit “news” agency. If John Stewart or Stephen Colbert didn’t say it, it’s not real news. Anyways, this article was called “Parenting Wins” and one picture was of a guy sitting at his computer, playing WOW, while his baby hung in a carrier staring at the screen from six inches away. First of all, Bro looked like a real life Comic Book guy, in his mom’s basement, who somehow found himself a baby. It was like if Alan decided to play WOW during the first Hangover movie. Some dudes should not be left alone with children.

Second, and most importantly, dads on’t really do this. I mean 99% of the time of course. There is always going to be one fucked up guy and surely you can find him on the internet. And there is a really good reason for this. We don’t have fucking time. What baby is going to sit on his ass and watch you play video games all day? That’s not how babies roll. If they see you with a controller, or a remote, or a phone in your hand, they want it. And they will stop at nothing to get it. That baby would poison you and everyone you love for the chance to grab that controller out of your hand, or computer off your desk, etc. Trust me, babies are fucking evil. I’m not going to lie and say there aren’t SAHDs who would love to play video games all day. I’m not one of them, but they do exist. But they just don’t. Why? Because it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

Myth: SAHDs are less emotionally attached than SAHMs.

This one’s actually kind of true. I don’t like to say that were less attached. I’ve never been more emotionally dependent on anything else in my life. My happiness lives and dies with that kid’s every whim. And I care about him far more than I care about myself, or anyone/thing else. But! We do tend to be less emotional. When my wife says, “he has a fever.” I can tell she’s worried, but I’m likely to reply, “meh, he’ll be fine.” If it were entirely up to her, we’d practically live at the hospital. If it were entirely up to me, we’d never go, and JR would probably be critically ill by now. We balance each other out, and we like it that way.

I remember when JR took his first steps. We were both thrilled, bouncing up and down like a couple of idiots, laughing like crazy. Now, a month later, he walks across the room and I say, “ok, what else ya got?” Whereas my wife still gets very excited. It’s the same way with every milestone, and every emergency. I don’t exhibit as much emotional response as my wife does. Am I saying that women are always more emotional than men? No, not all. I think it’s baby specific. In most circumstances, I am much more emotional than my wife. We watched Marley and Me and I cried my fucking eyes out. She didn’t. But, when it comes to her son, she’s always more emotional. It’s a biological response. Women are hard wired to constantly fear for their offspring. No amount of progression in society is going to change that, it’s just nature.

Myth: Chicks dig babies.

This one’s my favorite. The idea here is that if a man shows up at say a park, or a mall, he will be swarmed by attractive young girls who want to dote on his baby and shower him in phone numbers. This myth has had the pleasure of being showcased on both Friends and How I Met Your Mother. You remember the one where Joey and Chandler leave Ross’ son on the bus? And the one where Ted and Barney “adopt” a baby and name it Hurricane (Kick ass name,)? A quick recap if you don’t. Guys get baby. Guys leave house. Guys are immediately assailed by several women.

Bullshit. Fucking bullshit. You know how many times I’ve taken JR out to place full of girls? A fucking million. Has a single girl ever so much as stopped to say “Aww he’s so cute!”? No. Never. Not once. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to pick up girls. I’m happily married. It’s all for the sake of science, of course. Maybe this has more to do with the fact that I’m built like Danny Devito and have a face like Rafiki’s backside. Or maybe they can see the sun reflecting off my wedding band from a kilometer away. I hear women have that skill. Whatever the case, I have never been hit on while out with a baby. Not even once. If anything, I feel like babies are girl repellent. I mean, if I’m walking around with a kid under the age of one, I’m either spoken for, or I’m a newly single dad. Do either of those circumstances sound attractive to you? No, they sound like fucking baggage.

Nobody likes baggage.

– Justin Wright