by kittyc » Mon Aug 22, 2011 6:41 am

Sorry guys for the late reply. You guys are right, the moment of me liking my own mother passed. I guess I was just really looking for affection, huh?



Nanashi: I'm still dressing like a tomboy but I guess more feminine in a way? I used skinny jeans and tight shirts but sometimes i used sneakers instead of flats, just because they're more comfortable to wear. But I wear girly accessories now.

magickpsy: yes I do feel like I have an abandonment issue going on. And I also realized I just want someone to accept me and love me just the way I am. Maybe I was so desperate for that connection I targeted the wrong people?

Serah: Yes, I guess over these past few months I've been coming to terms with my sexual preference. I mean I'm still afraid to tell my friends though but I have to face the facts that I'm bi.





Actually, even though the whole mom thing is over now I'm faced with a greater problem... The girly girl that I mentioned before? Yeah, we ended up in the same university, living in the same apartment but different rooms. We actually became close friends and I actually forgot that I had a crush on her once. However recently I feel like she's advancing on me.



She broke up with her boyfriend a year ago but she still can't get over him because at the moment she hasn't find someone that can make her feel comfortable to be with. In a way she kind of resembles me. She likes physical affection, she wants to be accepted for who she is, she needs someone that want to love her and someone that she can spoil herself to.



But lately she's been saying strange things like she jokingly declare me as her boyfriend/husband. She asked me to give her a piggy-back ride, I asked her why and she replied "because you're my boyfriend" while smiling innocently. She used every opportunities in a conversation to declare that I'm her husband/guy. One time she kissed me on the cheek but that's because she actually missed her ex-boyfriend (she teared up while telling me this). In a way I think I became her rebound...? I don't know if she's joking or not but I'm really uncomfortable with her calling me her guy, especially in front of our friends.



My role in creating the problem is that I provide her with comfort, affection, and she sees me as a guy because I'm dependable and actually more of a gentleman than the guys around her. I like to hug her and she hugs me back, I let her put her head on my shoulder if she's tired, sometimes after we watched a scary movie with our friends i let her sleep on my bed because she's scared. Everything I did was in a platonic way and I actually thought of her more as a little sister and someone that I should protect. I even encouraged her to get over her ex-boyfriend and find someone new and I said to her "because I can't see you suffer like this, the way I suffered when I was trying to forget my almost lover".



I have to admit sometimes I do want to be her boyfriend but I don't think I'm going to cross the line though, I just don't see my future in that way. But I want to be close to her, I want to be affectionate with her, but not to the sexual extent. I still want to maintain the friendship because gaining her trust wasn't an easy task (she has trust issues as well). Plus, I saw her when she had a relationship with her ex-boyfriend. They were PDA-ing (hugging and a hint of groping) infront of other people, and she ditched me and her close friends to be with her guy. I'm so afraid, if she ditches me when she finds a new guy, that in my head I don't mind being her 'boyfriend' because then she won't leave me (remember I have trust and abandonment issues?). At the moment I like manly man because I understand that I'm quite manly myself so that's why I need guys that are manlier than I am, unfortunately I haven't find the right guy in my university yet.



I'm going to tell her though that I'm not comfortable with being called as her boyfriend, even though she's probably kidding. I'll still let her hug me or be affectionate with me, but the kiss on the cheek is a no-no (even I felt very awkward after that. Plus she kissed me infront of our friends).



What I'm asking you guys to help me with is should I open up the possibility for me to be her boyfriend? But if I do that I feel like I'm using her just so that I can feel loved and be able to love back?



Moreover I don't know if she cares for me the way I care for her. She never really showed any concern for my interest or showed that she cares, even though she said she's a hopeless romantic. I feel like I'm just a tool at her disposal... I'm so scared that even though I cared about her a lot she actually doesn't care about me, even as a friend.



So what should I do? I'm so sorry for the long rant. In my head this is somehow the cross-road of which sexual preference path I'm going to take so I need your help.