I have often realized that Burger King doesn’t necessarily employ the upper echelon of society, but it has gotten ridiculous.

STORY #1

I was out with a friend of mine and we were coming back from the gym. For some reason, he decided that he wanted a Burger King “real fruit smoothie”. He pulls up to the window and he orders a strawberry banana smoothie, the woman replies that they are out of strawberry banana, “would you like tropical mango” she asks. He says “well what other flavors do you have?” To which she replies “just tropical mango” so he agrees to get tropical mango. As we pull up to pay she reaches out and hands him a strawberry banana smoothie and says “sorry we didn’t have the one you wanted”……………………………..I’m speechless…………There is no amount of ranting or yelling that can release the sharp pain in my brain from this type of stupidity. We must have traveled through a portal into a parrallel universe where Matt had ordered a tropical mango smoothie originally, WE MUST HAVE! THERE IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION FOR THIS! At that moment in the car I felt guilty for being a part of the same species as this brilliant human being. I mean I farted and sneezed simultaneously because my body didn’t know what else to do! Mankind was crippled that day.

STORY #2

I was with two friends of mine in Connecticut. We were running behind schedule already and we had a wedding to go to that day, so we went to grab a quick bite to eat where? at Burger King. The girl in front of us ordered something that we heard the cashier say “they only sell that at McDonalds”. None of us heard what it was so I just assume the worst and I say she ordered a Big Mac. So we started on the cashier’s side figuring, hey, he is having a tough day. So Kevin and Jeff both order, and it is my turn. I order the 20 piece nuggets, because I’m fat. Then the cashier says to me “do you want them out the friar”, which I was the under the impression that was the only way to create nuggets, so I asked him “what do you mean”. So far it is a fairly simple exchange, well, he looks at me with a straight, depressed, miserable face and says, “I don’t know”………….WHAT?!?! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU JUST OFFERED ME?!?! YOU MUST BE JOKING!! I TURNED TO LOOK AT MY FRIENDS TO MAKE SURE SOMEBODY HEARD THIS BECAUSE I NEEDED TO MAKE FUN OF IT…THEY WEREN’T THERE, THEY WERE GETTING DRINKS, I TURNED TO LOOK BEHIND ME FOR SUPPORT FROM THE LINE…..NOBODY WAS THERE I WAS ALONE, I FELT FRIGHTENED AND VULNERABLE, AS THOUGH I WAS IN A NIGHTMARE SO NEAR TO PEOPLE AND UNABLE TO CRY OUT FOR HELP, I WAS PARALYZED!! I turned back and said “I just want normal nuggets, however you make them, like in the picture and as quickly as possible please”. I ate, in a daze of wonderment and idiocracy, I actually felt unfit to be in the world after that interaction until…………..I saw something that brought me to realize mankind was doomed. The pinnacle of glutony and disgust the world over. I have lost faith in mankind and know now that our country is headed for an enormous downfall.

I am a fat man, I eat to often, and i eat unhealthy things. I have seen fatter people eat more often and worse things than I. I mean the sound of a greasy meaty sandwich to me is a beautiful thing. I love to through bacon ontop of a burger or a sandwich, it makes things better! Growing up I used to say that putting bacon ontop of anything would make it better, and some wise ass would say “what about ice cream” and I would agree no, you can’t do that…………………….WELL BURGER KING DID! THE BACON SUNDAE!!!!!! I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT, LET’S TAKE SUGAR MILK AND THROUGH PIG FAT ON TOP OF IT………….WHY STOP THERE JUST DEEP-FRY THE BACON, SMOTHER IT IN CHOCOLATE AND MAYONNAISE AND INJECT LIQUIFIED LARD STRAIGHT INTO YOUR HEART!!!!! I cannot believe that this exists, are you shitting me? Bacon on Ice Cream?!?!?!! I know people need their vices, drinking, drugs, gambling, there are times in life where we do crazy things, sky diving, climbing everest, committing crimes, fighting, running a red light, WHATEVER, however I cannot see a time in life when I could ever have given up enough to actually consume a BACON SUNDAE! If you ever see me eat one, bless yourself, say a hail mary, and fuck your bestfriend because the world is ending! The day that they tell me I have terminal cancer, and I will be dead tomorrow, I am going to jerk off in public, have a high speed chase, ride a dolphin, dress up midgets like hobbits and have them follow me every where, try to use a grappling hook to scale a building, and in the last minute of my life, as I sit on top of the building that I climbed, I will eat a Bacon Sundae!

Tank’s Tip: If you are thinking of trying a Bacon Sundae, take a shot of adrenaline and fire a harpoon into your urethra because you need that feeling and sharp pain to wake your ass up, and if you die from it, well you deserved to for even entertaining that thought.