I only just joined babycenter in September but haven't really been on very much. This is not my screen name, this is an annonymous one I made today because I had some feelings I wanted to talk about and I didn't know where to turn. My husband I are were married two weeks ago, in the temple.

I am a really shy person and I usually don't post on my real account anyway on any of my boards. So bear with me because I'm going to try to just get it all out and express how I'm feeling without divulging too much of what I am not supposed to talk about.

I have been a member since I was 8 years old. My husband converted as a teen. We are both in our early twenties now. We both wanted to be sure we were married in the temple, and my entire life was leading up to it. I am a very firm believer in the church and a very worthy member.

We did out endowments and our sealing on the same day.

It was two weeks ago on Saturday and I am still horrified. Nobody warned me. Nobody told me,anything about anything before hand and I know it is sacred and we arent supposed to talk about it but since it happened I have been running every second of that day through my head wondering, "why did I feel this way? Is it supposed to feel this way?" When we were sealed and I looked at my husband in front of the mirrors I wanted to die. I thought the ceremony was going to be more about Christ. I thought the endowment was supposed to be a gift from on High, but the story wasn't about Christ at all. The ritual aspect of it scared me. Like, seriously and deeply frightened me.

When they asked us to leave if we could not keep the covanents, I just kept thinking, what are they? I dont know if I can keep them if I don't know what they are!" I wanted to leave and go back out to the gardens. Is it odd that I felt better about being outside the temple than I did being inside?

My mom was crying the whole time and smiling and kept asking me how I felt afterwards and everyone was congratulating me and I was dying inside. I didn't hear a word about true love, and companionship...it was disapointing and scary and I felt dead inside afterwards. My husband was quiet in the limo and when I asked him why he just shrugged it off and I said "did that freak you out because I wanted to leave" and he nodded and started bawling.

I mentioned it to my older sister and she blew me off and got really defensive and said "you weren't ready then! only those who are really ready and worthy and in the right state of mind would GET it."

I prepared my entire life for this and was never once unworthy in thought or action. I prayed and attended church and read scripture and was chaste and I feel like GARBAGE. I feel like it is all a lie. I feel like I just solidified my standing in a freaking cult. We did not attend church last sunday and I just can't face it. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve these feelings? Did anyone else feel this way? How do you overcome this? I feel like I have been horribly let down.

EDITED some detailed because someone asked me to.