It’s all about positive energy

Last week, I was on a plane to the Grand Canyon to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family

When I boarded the plane, I was in an isle seat behind my little sister. A tall, physically attractive man with a miserable facial expression approached me.

Speaking to me in a negative tone of voice as though I was inconveniencing him, he asks, “hey can you sit over there so I can sit next to my wife?”

He points to the other isle seat in that same row. In the middle seat is a slightly overweight guy taking too much room, and in the window seat is his wife and 5 month old child who had already cried twice during the boarding process.

I should also mention that moments before, I was hit in the head with the handlebar of a Razor Scooter that had fallen out of the overhead bin. You can’t even make this stuff up.

The man who wanted my seat looked like he might throw a fit if I didn’t give it to him. I wondered if he was an only child, as I had trouble understanding how someone could use such an entitled tone of voice to shove me into 3/4 of a seat next to a crying baby.

This is where the magic of positivity comes in

I pick up the handlebar of the razer scooter and shout, “ground score!” leading the dude who dropped it on my head to laugh out loud.

Then, I start shaking my sister’s seat in front of me while telling the man who wants my seat that he can have it if he promises to annoy my sister the whole flight. His wife laughs. The guy remains miserable as I move my stuff across the isle for him. God help him.

When I get to my new seat, I immediately start playing with the 5-month old and showing his parents my Snap Spectacles in an effort to begin our relationship in the best possible manner.

Within 5 minutes, we are all watching “The Secret Life of Pets” — our video screens strategically in sync with each other so that we can all laugh and cry at the same time while the baby sleeps.

Despite only having 2/3rds a seat, it was a great flight, and the positive energy seemed to spread throughout the plane.

While we never actually hugged, our initial mutual positivity is what I consider starting with hugs.

It’s not always easy

Some people are just always positive. I envy them. For someone like me, positivity can come easy at times, but it can be a real chore at other times. It can be worth it to take a deep breath and fake it if I have to.

Good friends can be forgiving about negative experience if I show self-awareness and apologize. We already have a bond, so a scrape along the way heals pretty quickly.

Meeting new people is a different story altogether. A great first impression can exponentially grow positive energy, while bad first impression can pollute the world with negativity.

I believe that there’s evolutionary reason for this.

Dance vs Battle

One of the things that fascinates me about this world is that every single human being appreciates some sort of music and dance.

While modern human beings have been around for hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of years, we’ve only lived in civilizations for about ten thousand years.

Before that, we existed as bands and tribes. Sometimes, one tribe would bump into another tribe and result in a bit of a chemistry experiment.

Tribal Warfare

If there was enough fear between the two tribes, they would battle. There was typically a dominant tribe that would kill off the “weaker” tribe. The men would sometimes do fairly terrible things to the women against their will.

Often-times, the only survivors were women who voluntarily submitted to the violent men. So, if you’ve ever wondered why some women are attracted to assholes and are prone to seemingly un-reasonable submission, it’s actually a survival instinct.

The idea of blindly dominating another tribe is the equivalent of Donald Trump pushing me into a bar as a first introduction. In 2016 this is objectively wrong. Again, that guy is about to be president so God help us all.

The Peace Agreement

Sometimes, two tribes would run into each other ready to battle, and instead establish a peace agreement. The terms of the agreement would typically involve territory as well as access to resources like food and water. Breach of the agreement would typically lead to a feud or battle.

This is the equivalent of a handshake, which is often fueled by fear and skepticism.

Even in the most fundamental way, you’re comparing strength with another human being during the exchange. Do we really need that?

The Warm Welcome

So it’s like 20 thousand years ago, you’re a tribe leader, and you’re roaming the land with your people. You spot another tribe, and you get your weapons ready for battle, because today might be your last.

The tribe notices you approaching doesn’t lift any weapons — in fact, they‘re smiling as you approach. They get into formation, and begin singing, dancing, and doing some of the coolest shit you’ve ever seen.

The tribe looks physically fit, doesn’t appear to be a threat to you, they’ve got cool apparrel, and you’ve got a crush on one of the tribe members. Obviously, you put your weapons down and begin singing and dancing with them (or at least clapping and nodding your heads).

You may only spend the next few hours with them, or perhaps your tribes will join forces for life. Either way, you’re working together instead of working against each other.

This is starting with hugs. This is how all new relationships should begin.

But what if one tribe is clearly superior?

I think Stuart Brown sums this up best in his 2009 TED Talk. As you very well know, polar bears are violent and predatory animals.

Well, this one time, a 1200lb polar bear was approached at high speed by a REALLY HAPPY husky. The polar bear stared with a predatory gaze, but the husky wasn’t having it — it just wanted to play.

So what happened? They played.

Norbert Rosing // National Geographic

That’s what happens when you start with positive energy. A fucking 1200lb polar bear hugs a god-damn husky instead of killing and eating it.

You Get More When You Give More

“I believe that hospitality is a hug. The best way to get a hug is to give a hug. I’ve never given a hug where I didn’t get one back. So I’m giving in part to give it, and I’m giving in part to get it.” — Danny Meyer

In addition to creating Shake Shack, Danny Meyer is considered to be one of the greatest (and nicest) restaurateurs in the history of time. In his book “Setting The Table,” Meyer discusses the idea that positive energy starts with you.

My favorite concept in the book is the idea that people will greet you in the same manner in which you greet them:

if you nod your head at a passerby, they’ll nod their head back

if you smile at them with a closed mouth, they’ll smile back with a closed mouth

if you smile with your teeth, they’ll smile back with their teeth

It doesn’t have to be a hug

Starting with positive energy doesn’t necessarily mean that each new interaction has to be a hug. It also doesn’t mean that you should be hugging random strangers on the street.

Then again, Judah Friedlander definitely hugged a bunch of strangers for a post 9/11 music video by the Dave Matthews Band. Not everybody was open to the idea, but it was probably a net positive.

I do not endorse hugging random strangers!

High-fives and other playful gestures can work

Even if you’re meeting someone through a friend, it might not feel right to start with a hug. A lot of the time, this is just the result of fear, but sometimes it’s justified.

If someone does not look like they’re going to consent to a hug, definitely don’t hug them. I’m pretty sure that’s actually sexual assault in some places, which is probably over-the-top, but whatever.

You can still offer a gesture that’s more fun and less fearful than a handshake. Maybe a high-five or a dancing elbow union. Something to show that you support their life on this planet. In turn, you’ll receive their support as well!

A positive first impression pays off years later

Throughout my life, I’ve had the opportunity to spend time with many incredible people who have admitted to basing their energy towards our relationship on the moment we first met.

Starting with hugs has helped me develop closer friends, more effective business dealings, and a very healthy and stimulating social life.

I believe it’s because people remember more how they feel when they meet someone vs what actual events occurred — and hugs make people feel both safe and loved.

So the next time you’re about to shake someone’s hand, consider starting with a hug instead. You never know where it might lead you!