Relationships help pass the time by trapping you in arguments about things that don't matter.

Just The Facts

Relationship advice usually reveals a lot more about the person dispensing it than about the relationship. The #2 source for relationship advice is friends trying to break you up for their own purposes. Most relationship advice makes things much worse. That said, here is some relationship advice.

Dating, Relating and Fornicating

Modern dating involves other people telling us how to think (self-loathingly), what to do (remove body hair) and when to have sex without shame (Tuesday).

Historically, women haven't had much choice in relationships. If your father didn't trade you for a cow, you applied for your withered maid license. When Papa died of Labours & Toils Disease, he left you a horsehair blanket and a large debt to the oppressive Lord Miseryshire. Your best hope was that this cruel noble would himself die, leaving his estate to a dashing son returned from the Indies to claim his due in heaving bosom.

For a woman to survive, she needed a sharp tongue and sharper wits to hide it. The fairer sex became master manipulators just to land a station in life where they weren't beaten for letting the spinning wheel overheat. A few won their freedom in bloody kickboxing battles, but didn't date much thereafter.



Jane Eyre dared argue that ugly women could marry, if the man was useless to society.

By the Victorian era, women were considered too frail for anything hardier than gossiping, fainting or prostitution. Since giving birth would have exploded them into a shimmering red mist, women ordered their babies from the Pumblechook & Figg catalog.



Behold the Victorian man!

He bends barrel hoops, kills all his own food

and has never seen a nude woman.

What changed? VAMPIRES. The Austro-Hungarian undead seduced an estimated 16 percent of English womanhood. The nearly lost art of sex once again became a way to pass time before dying. Victorian men emerged furious from the coke mines, and swore to avenge this outrage, even if it meant sleeping with their wives.



The real reason for World War I, as well as the English complexion.

The gendercide was over - but the war was just begun. As women asserted their rights and the dream of choosing their own spouse grew less ridiculous, society found new and slyer ways of dashing their hopes...

Frustrating and Mating

Once allowed outside, women easily won the battle of the sexes, thanks to superior intelligence and unflappable insanity. Millions of men lost their lifestyles in tragically happy marriages to innocent-eyed beauties. Katherine Hepburn alone was responsible for no fewer than three dozen screwball comedies.

The secret to womankind's success was the pools of knowledge found in magazines like Cosmopolitan, Truck-Driver for Her and Gody's Ladies' Handbook of Recipes & Cunning Entrapment.



Gody's Ladies' Handbook also confirmed the existence of the female period to great controversy.

Among the early findings:

That men seldom say what they're thinking

That men are thinking exactly what they say

That men enjoy sex

That women might not go to hell for enjoying sex

Today these magazines forsake sound advice to play keep-away with women's self-esteem. These Iagos of print foster insecurity, nurturing hope only when it inspires greater fear. Hey, publishers! If women wanted someone to chip away at their confidence with outrageous flattery followed by vicious backstabbing, they'd have lunch with their best friends.

Just because magazines are 85 percent advertising doesn't mean they need to keep their readership unhappy and eager for products to fill their empty lives. Oh wait, yes it does. Those ad fuckers think The Feminine Mystique is a how-to manual.



This used to pass for legitimate editorial opinion.

Self-hating and Berating