The onstage lights come on and the crowd goes wild when they see the lanky frame of Amitabh Bachchan seated on the stage.

“Namaskar, namaskar, namaskar!” thunders Amitabh. “Welcome to Kaun Banega Crorepati. Today we have politicians and celebrities participating in our show and the prize money will go to their favourite causes.”

BigB: Let me quickly explain the rules of the game. As you know there are three lifelines: Audience Poll, Fifty-fifty and Phone-A-Friend. Starting with Rs. 1000, for every correct answer, you can win greater and greater sums of money, with a milestone at every 5th question – the first one at Rs. 10,000, the second at Rs. 3,20,000 and the third one at Rs. 1 crore.

BigB: And now a slight change in the rules:

1) Since these celebrities have taken time out for us, the game will not stop at 1 Crore but continue for unlimited amount as long as the participant does not quit.

2) The participant can bring one companion on stage with him / her.

3) There will be only 1 fastest finger first round and participants will be chosen in the sequence in which they give correct answers quickly.

BigB: Ready? So here is the fastest finger first question. Arrange the following scams in the descending order of the amount they cost the national exchequer. The options are:

a) CWG scam

b) Coal scam

c) 2G spectrum scam

d) Tatra truck scam

e) Chopper scam

A few seconds later, after the participants are done…

BigB: OK, time up. Let’s see what the actual sequence is:

a) Coal scam: 1.86 lakh crore

b) 2G spectrum scam: 1.76 lakh crore

c) Chopper scam: 3,600 crore

d) CWG scam: 90 crore

e) Tatra truck scam: Rs.14 crore

And now let’s see who all have answered the questions correctly? (looks up at the big screen) Oh, all politicians have got this answer right. So let’s see who has answered this question first. It’s MNS chief Raj Thackeray. A huge round of applause for him. Please come on stage.

Raj Thackeray takes his place on the hot seat. Accompanying him is MNS leader Pravin Darekar.

BigB: OK, the first question. From which goddess does the city Mumbai derive its name?

Raj Thackeray: Mumbadevi

BigB: That’s the right answer. You win one thousand rupees. By the way what cause are you going to use this prize money for?

Raj Thackeray: I am going to use the prize money to restore and maintain the Amar Jawan Memorial at Azad Maidan which was vandalized by the rioters.

BigB: Here is the second question for you for 2000 Rupees: In which school do MNS Chief Raj Thackeray’s children study? The options are:

a) Marathi medium school

b) English medium school

Raj Thackeray (fidgets in his seat for a while, then says): I want to quit the game.

BigB (smiles knowingly): OK, you have won Rs. 1000. Congratulations!

Raj Thackeray exits. BigB turns to the camera.

BigB: Now let’s see who is the second participant on fastest finger first… and it’s Gujarat CM Narendra Modi. Please welcome him on stage!

The audience applauds heartily as Narendra Modi walks on stage with accompanied by Amit Shah

BigB: So Modiji, here is the first question. Where is Asia’s first tidal power plant being set up? The options are:

a) Hokkaido, Japan

b) Pedra Branca, Singapore

c) Hainan, China

d) Gujarat, India

Narendra Modi: Its option D, Gujarat, India

BigB: Are you sure?

Narendra Modi: Yes, completely sure.

BigB: That’s the right answer! (the audience applauds) Ok, the second question for Rs. 2000. Here is it. Where is Asia’s largest solar power plant located?

The options are:

a) Hokkaido, Japan

b) Pedra Branca, Singapore

c) Hainan, China

d) Diken, Madhya Pradesh, India

Narendra Modi: The right answer is option D, Diken, Madhya Pradesh.

BigB: That’s the right answer. You win 2000 Rupees! Here is the next question for 3000 Rupees. Which of the following rivers does not flow through Patna city? The options are:

a) Ganga

b) Sone

c) PoonPun

d) Yamuna

Narendra Modi stares at the computer screen.

BigB: Modiji, don’t sweat if you don’t know the answer. You can have a glass of water. You can use a lifeline if you need help.

Narendra Modi: I would like to use the lifeline phone a friend.

BigB: Whom do you want to call?

Narendra Modi: My friend Nitish Kumar

BigB: OK, Computerji, Call Nitish Kumar.

The call’s rings resonate in the studio for a few seconds.

Nitish Kumar: Hello?

BigB: Hello I am BigB calling from Kaun Banega Crorepati

Nitish Kumar: Namaste Ji, nice to hear from you. I really loved the secular role you played in the movie Coolie.

BigB: Thank you. Sitting across me is Narendra Modi and he wants your help.

Nitish Kumar: Hello? I cannot hear you. Hello? (The call concludes with a click)

BigB: Looks like a network problem. Let me try again.

After a couple of rings…

Voice: The number you are trying to reach is currently busy

Narendra Modi: Wonder who is he talking to?

Amit Shah (eagerly): Saheb, shall I find out?

Narendra Modi: Let it be. Let us call Ram Vilas Paswan.

The call to Paswan goes through, and after talking to him, Modi selections Option D, Yamuna.

BigB: That’s the right answer!

The audience applauds and Modi heaves a sigh of relief.

BigB: You’re playing very well, Modiji. Here is the next question for Rs. 5000. Where is Takshashila? The options are:

a) Bihar

b) Haryana

c) Punjab, India

d) Punjab, Pakistan

Narendra Modi (a hint of pain on his face): I would like to withdraw.

BigB: OK, thanks for being with us on KBC. What will you use this money for?

Narendra Modi: I will donate it for the education of the girl child.

BigB: Thanks (The audience applauds as Modi leaves the studio. BigB turns to the camera once again). Now let’s get our next participant from fastest finger first. It’s Arvind Kejriwal. Please come on stage.

Arvind Kejriwal comes up accompanied by Yogendra Yadav.

BigB: Welcome Kejriwalji, here is the first question. Where did Arvind Kejriwal complete his graduation? The options are:

a) JNU

b) Mumbai University

c) Pune University

d) IIT

Arvind Kejriwal: I want to use the audience poll lifeline.

BigB: You want to use lifeline for this question?

Arvind Kejriwal: We never take any decisions without consulting the Mohalla sabhas. Mai kaun hu? Mai ek Aam aadmi hu. Meri aukat kya hai?

BigB: OK, OK. Audience, please help Arvind Kejriwal with your voting. Your time starts now. (After a few seconds of drama) And the audience has responded. The entire 100% of the audience has selected Option D, IIT.

Arvind Kejriwal: OK, please lock option D. We will go with desh ki janati ki aawaz.

BigB: And that’s the right answer. You have won Rs. 1000!

Arvind Kejriwal: Ye meri jeet nahi hai. Ye desh ki janata ki jeet hai.

BigB: All right. Here is the second question. In which government service did Arvind Kejriwal work? The options are:

a) Indian Administrative Service

b) Indian Foreign Service

c) Indian Forest Service

d) Indian Revenue Service

Arvind Kejriwal: I want to use audience poll.

BigB: No, you can use that lifeline only once. You can use other lifelines if you want.

Arvind Kejriwal (angrily): If you do not permit me to take aam aadmi’s opinion, I will sit on a dharna here.

Yogendra Yadav (sweetly): Don’t worry Arvindji. What if you have used up that lifeline? I can give you the audience opinion using my internal surveys. 90% of the audience feels that you should choose option D.

Arvind Kejriwal (mollified): OK, I will go with option d.

BigB: That’s the right answer. You win 2000 Rupees. What will you use the money for?

Arvind Kejriwal: We will use it for strengthening the Jan Lokpal bill.

BigB: Here is the third question. In which company did Arvind Kejriwal work after completing graduation? Here are the options:

a) Tata Steel

b) Infosys

c) Adani Power

d) Reliance Industries

Arvind Kejriwal (stands up, agitated): You are an Adani and Ambani agent. I am quitting the game.

BigB: OK, thanks for… (Kejriwal storms of the studio without waiting for BigB to complete.)

BigB: Er, that was Kejriwal. Well, we still have some time left in the show today. Let’s get the next participant from fastest finger first. Oh, its Trinamool Congress MP Derek O’Brien. Please welcome.

Derek O’Brien comes on stage accompanied by Mamata Banarjee.

BigB: OK, here is the first question. What is the value of Pi upto 10 decimal places? The options are…

Derek O’Brien (interrupting): Please lock 3.1415926535

BigB (stunned): That’s the right answer. (gapes at Derek for a couple of seconds before continuing) Here is the next question. In Physics and Chemistry, what is the value of Avogadro constant? The options are…

Derek O’Brien (interrupting): 6.023×1023

BigB (gasps): That’s again correct!

It goes on like that for a while for another 30 minutes.

BigB (looking a bit pale): Here is the 21st question for 20 crore rupees. Which country’s two letter code is FM?

Derek O’Brien: Federated states of Micronesia

BigB (weakly): That’s the right answer once again (wipes his forehead). I’m feeling very stressed out, as if it’s me who’s on the hot seat.

Derek O’Brien: Take it easy. Please drink some water. You can consult the audience or phone a friend if you feel too stressed.

BigB: What do you plan to do with the prize money?

Derek O’Brien: I plan to wipe off West Bengal’s fiscal deficit.

At that point, people from the senior management team of Sony TV come onto the stage and approach Mamata Banerjee.

Sony TV CEO (whispers): Mamata Didi, if Derek continues to play, our company will go bankrupt. Please ask him to withdraw.

Mamata Banerjee: OK, let him play one last question.

BigB: OK, here is 22nd question for Rs. 40 crores. Where did Mayonnaise originate?

Derek O’Brien: In the kitchen of the French chef of the Duc de Richelieu.

BigB: Correct again. You won 40 crores!

Mamata Banerjee (angrily): How dare you ask him a Mayonnaist questions? Derek will not withdraw now. He will play till the end!

The company’s management looks stunned. The CEO turns to his aides and asks angrily, “Whose idea was this of going for unlimited money?”

Suddenly, Siddhartha Basu comes up on stage. He approaches BigB who is sitting with his head in his hands and pats him on the back reassuringly. Then he presses a few keystrokes on the computer, taps BigB gently on the shoulder again and asks him to continue the game and walks off the stage.

BigB (brightens after seeing the question on the screen, and sits up straight): OK, here is the next question for Rs. 80 Crores. Please name all roads, buildings, institutions, national parks, sanctuaries, schemes, courses, scholarships, fellowships, awards, tournaments, trophies, peaks and geographical landmarks in India named after the Nehru Gandhi family…

The colour leaves Derek O’Brien’s face. Eyes wide, he stares at the screen and at the triumphant BigB alternatingly. Then with a trembling lip he says…

Derek O’Brien: I want to quit the game.