We pick up where we left off from last episode, with Kimberly trying to make a second first impression. Or is it a first second impression? Doesn’t matter because *spoilers* she goes home. First date card arrives and it’s a group date. The ladies start eyeing each other up and are whisked away in the limo to see what sort of antics Chris has up his sleeve for the date.

(Just a side note that frustrates the hell out of me. Chris doesn’t plan the dates. Chris doesn’t do anything. He goes where they tell him to. Please don’t thank Chris for putting together the bungee jump date that will inevitably happen or think that was all him when there is some band that is really desperate for a gig to come play for you) /rant

So at the group date Chris says let’s have a pool party. What a subtle way to find out what all of these girls are working with. This is then followed by them all walking down the streets of LA in their pool attire to eventually have a tractor race in the street. Again, subtle. Ashley I is the “winner” which means sitting in Chris’s lap for 20 minutes on a tractor. Chris then returns to the group and takes each one for some alone time while we find out just which girls are jealous and bitter. Chris decides to pick Mackenzie to spend more time with and they head out. This is when shit starts getting weird. Mackenzie has a kid at the age of 21 and has trouble trying to tell Chris. What better way to break the ice then start talking about aliens. I don’t think there has ever been a successful first date in which someone resorted to aliens. Someone has been watching too much M Night Shyamalan. But I did look up Chris’s farm on google maps and saw this:

While the group date was occurring Jillian and Megan (Dumb and dumber) decide that they need to bust into where Chris sleeps to do some recon. Jillian has on bikini bottoms and there is a black bar covering her. Seemed odd at the time but later on when one of the girls are drunk she says that Jillian has a hairry ass. Jillian also looks like she takes steroids with Jose Canseco so we’ll bookmark this development. While at Chris’s they find his motorcycle. Megan decides to try his helmet on to make sure it’s safe. The result is below:

This scene immediately reminds me of Gus Frerotte of the Washington Redskins famously doing this after scoring a touchdown:

Gus sprained his neck and was never the same afterwards. I have a feeling that Megan has been doing these kind of things for a long time.

So the second date card arrives with one of it’s cheesy lines like let’s explore our love or something and it’s addressed to Megan. Megan has no clue it’s an actual date and thinks it’s just a note to her. I’m left to ponder 3 possibilities. 1) That helmet has some sort of magical power that makes you stupid 2) The helmet is paper thin and Megan actually concussed herself while running into things 3) Megan really is that big of an air head. If I were Chris I would find a new helmet. Just to be sure. They fly over the hoover dam in a helicopter and then have a picnic after landing. I’m pretty sure Megan thought the dam was built by beavers and looked like this before actually seeing it:

Our last date has 2 limos taking the remaining ladies to what looks like a haunted ruins area. They get all scared as people bang on the windows until Chris pokes his head in and saves the day. As the girls get out he says to Amber (the black girl) “I didn’t see you there”. It’s pitch black out. Amber is the black girl….Anyway, he tells them that they will be shooting zombies with paintball guns. Remember when I said not even the Mexican drug cartels would mess with Ashley S? You can add zombies to that list. I’m not sure there are words to describe the crazy in this girl. Vegas has her at 2 to 1 odds of ending up here while everyone else is filming the after the final rose special at the end of the season:

Once she gets the paintball gun she needs to be told several times that they aren’t shooting each other but the fake zombies that come and attack them. She then repeatedly shoots the zombies at point blank range after they are “dead”. She wanders off to places you aren’t supposed to go. She interrupts Chris while he is trying to talk to the camera. And she looks like this:

I don’t even have the time to mention what she was talking about the whole night (to be honest I don’t remember. Just know it didn’t make sense). I’m not sure Megan is from this planet. I could see M. Night doing a remake of ET where Ashley takes the place of Drew Barrymore as Elliot’s sister that freaking loves skittles and needs them to survive while Elliott pals around with ET all day. But here’s the twist, (M Night style) Ashley is really the alien and it turns out ET is Elliot’s sister. I’m not sure even M Night would go for that script but one thing is for certain, this extra terrestrial needs to phone home.

We then head back to the house and fire up yet another cocktail party. That one on one time is valuable so girls start making out with Chris like he’s the last guy on earth. Ashley I must be a big fan of Aladdin because she dressed up as princess Jasmine and gave Chris 3 wishes. I wonder what one of them was….

But not so fast. Ashley let’s a few girls know that she’s a virgin. Mackenzie is one of those girls and is floored by this. She acts like she just saw some mythical creature:

(I know you are jealous of my photoshop skills)

At the rose ceremony this happened:

And for those of you that said your good byes:

See you next week

- Nick