My mom is clueless sometimes. We were discussing black representation in spaces that don’t always invite blackness into it, and she told me Misty Copeland would be the first black girl in The Nutcracker ballet. I proceeded to tell her if she cannot for the life of her see how colorism is equally an issue when it comes to lack of representation for black people because it intertwines with racism and anti-blackness, she is part of the problem and isn’t really for black people’s satisfaction. She said it wasn’t fair to discredit lighter skinned and mixed race blacks as representation for darker skinned and monoracial ones. I told her but clearly it’s fair to not perceive the latter as relatable to all races of people, which is why they find the lightest one possible. And they usually choose someone biracial. She told me it didn’t matter if one was white-passing as Mariah, they still “speak” to all of us.

I then asked how could she say that but then concede black girls seeing white faces on TV is damaging, but not if those faces are labeled black. She totally knows damn well what colorism is, she just wants to pretend the pretty, light-skinned black woman speaks to black women medium brown to dark-skinned to make them feel better. They want to envision black beauty through the eyes of whiteness, and that is wrong. She expects a dark-skinned black woman or one who is not biracial to relate to ones who are? That is bullshit. All they are expecting is complicity. They want black women to be silent of the white-washing and kiss the feet of lighter skinned women. Unless we’re not teaming up with them for the cishetero male gaze, they don’t wanna hear it. By tolerating lighter skinned and/or mixed race women as the representation of what it is to be black, that means you are complicit in colorism and black women’s erasure. You already accepted your own defeat and believe surrendering is the only way to be given humanity.

She also tried to lecture me on how looks aren’t everything and that I need to develop a personality. Not unless you’re black and female. Then looks are totally all that matters. Maybe personality works for white or lighter skinned women because they don’t have to be drop-dead gorgeous to be seen as worthy women, but black/dark-skinned women have to go the extra mile. Add being fat on top of that as well. Or trans. Or how about being disabled? My mom then continued by saying my “obsession” with looks or nice clothes was “pathological” and that I would never be satisfied. First of all, maybe if black girls saw their image in dolls, magazines, and media more, they wouldn’t have to develop some type of complex, psyche, or pathology that makes them desire physical beauty.

I told her about that, and she just said, “I see my image on TV all the time. I didn’t grow up with women like me either, and look how I turned out.” Oh, abled-bodied privilege all wrapped up. What she means is, “Because I don’t have any psychological issues due to racism and anti-black misogyny, it’s abnormal for you to develop them.” That’s ableism. “Since I don’t have it, it’s weird that you do.” Why can’t people concede that white girls being shoved down our throats as “beautiful” is damaging? How can people like her not catch on that seeing merely white women or women who appear close to their aesthetics can make them put two and two together and realize that light skin, straight hair, and narrow features are the ideals of beauty?