Nation’s Twelve Year Olds Demand Higher Minimum Allowance

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Citing the rising costs of baseball cards and stagnating birthday gift money from grandma, representatives of the nation’s 12-year-olds have formally demanded an increase in the minimum allowance. The movement has gained traction since more Moms gained control of the house, a power shift that’s led to an increase in handouts.

“$5 a week is simply not enough for young boys and girls to make ends meet,” said union leader Kyle Helton, noting the high costs of nerf footballs, cute clothes, and Xbox games. “We will cease to wash the dishes, take out the trash, or do our homework until we receive fair compensation.”

Critics of the movement say that $3 per week is plenty and you’d only spend the money on video games anyway. Helton’s camp counters that Ryan Thompson gets $20 a week, noting that that’s not fair.

In response to the demands, Moms and Dads were debating new legislation that would raise the minimum allowance to $7 a week in exchange for the union representatives cleaning their bedrooms.