The Third Annual Rapture Ready July 4th Parade is slated to start at 10am Central Time in Ida Grove, a sleepy town of 1,389 in central Iowa. Town officials have spent a lot of time and taxpayer money to ensure that everyone understands that Jesus is the reason for this patriotic season.

“A country’s success is not based on how many television stations you can watch,” stated Mayor Andrew Kinard. “America was built on God’s power and mercy just like Israel in the Old Testament. When the nation turns from godliness, that’s when collapse and Obamacare happens.”

A full 15% of the annual budget for the municipality is spent on the weeklong festivities leading up to the Rapture Ready July 4th Parade. Each family is given a Rapture Kit which contains vials of End Times Holy Water, The First Trumpet Earplugs (to protect one’s hearing from divine trumpet blasts), and official Rapture Ready Patches that can be sewn onto clothes to ensure that Jesus doesn’t miss anyone that deserves being saved from the horrors of the Tribulation.

“It says in the Constitution that the government can’t interfere with religion or the right of the people to peaceably assemble,” stated Minister Anderton of Bible Baptist Church. “We are honouring the true King of America, Jesus Christ.”

Everyone in Ida Grove is expected to turn out for the parade. However, the Town Clerk has noticed that Milton Strumpf, the one Jewish resident, has been absent in years past. It is rumoured that the Town Council will pass a law that will charge any resident a fine if he or she misses the hallowed festivity.

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