Vern Doer has been mastering ham radios since before most of us were born. In fact, Mr. Doer was delighted whenever a young kid came into his den and marveled at all of his high-tech gear.

“Oh, those neighbor kids use to love my ham radio,” said Mr. Doer as he pulled a long gray hair out of his ear canal. “I used to talk to people from other lands and the kids would be amazed.”

One would think that Mr. Doer’s grasp on technology would propel him into becoming a computer expert, but surprisingly, the old man’s inability to separate technologies and to listen to certified professionals has created one of the nation’s biggest computer dip-shits.

“One of the biggest issues with Vern is that he’s a pompous crank who thinks he knows a thing or two about everything technical and he can’t believe that anyone under the age of 30 knows anything,” said Vince Viloria, a tech support specialist. “He has a knack for never listening to me and doing countless stupid things to his system that I’ve warned him not to do.”

Doer worked for nearly 37 years as a warehouse manager and seldom needed to use a computer as his company shunned technology until 2007, three years after Doer retired.

“One of the reasons we never implemented a computer system was Vern,” said Simpson Beverage owner, Joseph Simpson. “He would have destroyed the entire installation and driven any tech support staff to their grave. When it came to technology, he was a super dumb-ass who thought he was an expert.”

Doer became excited about computers when his network of ham radio buddies began talking about how they were beginning to really enjoy their computers. Doer rushed out in 2009 and purchased a Compaq PC from Best Buy. The machine was preinstalled with a bevy of programs and Windows Vista.

Within 10 minutes of unpacking the box, Doer was on the phone with tech support.

“Let me see, his first ticket consisted of him yelling at us for using a black power chord instead of a gray one, because he felt a gray chord matched better,” revealed ﻿Viloria. “This particular call lasted 4.3 hours and resulted in talking Vern through reinstalling Windows XP 2 times because for some reason, he chose to reformat his hard drive to make sure it was “fresh” and ready to go.”

Doer’s list of verifiable dip-shit moves also include the following:

1. He called tech support 8 times in the first week asking for his password.

2. He uninstalled all third-party drivers and applications because he wanted a pure system and then spent 4 hours on tech support trying to get his printers working.

3. He berated a tech for 32 minutes on the “inadequacies of his monitor’s design” and then proceeded to remove all video drivers and video cards from his computer. After running in 600 x 400 resolution for 4 days, he called tech support and demanded a refund.

4. Within 5 hours of his last OS reinstall, he had aquired 43 viruses because he felt that having his firewall on was a safety hazard to his home.

5. He dimwittingly had his computer turned into a child porn server by Eastern block hackers and refused to have the material removed before he had a chance to investigate the crime for himself. In doing so, he allowed another 35,094 poeple access to his illegal images.

6. He called demanding to know how a picture of his penis was added as his desktop image and refused to allow any male tech support specialists access to his computer in an effort to help him. Despite all the issues that Mr. Doer has experienced, he still seems to be very excited about his computer and the internet.

“I got like 50 webpages already that I interfaced through my computer,” informed Doer. “And best, I have them all firewalled against each other but I VPNed them with my own security pipe proxy box. Even best, I can download the internet onto my computer and then disconnect it and then goto all the sites without worrying about hackers.”

When asked what he felt about the tech support he recieves, Mr. Doer had only this to say,”Nowadays when they service you, that equates to a bull servicing a cow. I should be gettin paid by them for all the QA testing I’ve done for them.”

Scoop Gods