The Antioch church outreach group would like to invite you to join our group’s door to door campaign. Even though no one usually answers when our missionaries go door-to-door to spread the gospel, their head-turning calling cards have received a lot of attention. I believe it was Deacon David Duke’s idea that–instead of leaving bible study pamphlets on the front door–to leave a flaming cross on the front lawn as a sign that we are “on fire for Jesus.”

The pastor would like to remind all worshippers that Antioch Road to Glory is an English-only church. Therefore we do not allow languages such as French, Italian or Mexican. In fact, if you are struck by the Holy Ghost and have to speak in tongues, we ask that you do it in English, in the tradition of the greatest American who ever lived–Jesus.

The pastor would like to apologize to all the people he offended when he praised the biblical ruler Herod, who murdered all the firstborn Jewish sons as “a very strong leader.”

Please be reminded that the deadline for scholarship applications are due next Sunday. These merit-based scholarships are awarded based on how much money your daddy is willing to donate to the scholarship fund. All winners receive full tuition, books, room and board at the prestigious Trump University, which boasts such prestigious graduates as Jennifer–the woman in charge of all the lettuce, tomatoes and salsa at the local Chipotle, and Dennis, who went on to Harvard University Law School’s janitorial staff.

We have heard some members of the church are upset that we will no longer use the King James Version of the Bible. Please do not worry about this. The New Melania Trump International Translation is exactly the same as the King James Version. The only differences are:

1. The cover is now white, which, we believe will make the scriptures more authentic and easier to accept.

2. All references to Satan, Lucifer or The Devil will now change to simply “Crooked Hillary.”

3. There is one added verse in Genesis that explains how Adam and Eve never would have the forbidden fruit if God had thought to build a wall around the tree of Good and Evil