1. Deny the fact that your menstrual cup is unreachable and continue to claw at your insides like a panicked raccoon.

2. Slowly allow the sour wave of fear to rise up through body when you finally accept that it is, in fact, stuck inside of you.

3. Quietly despair.

4. Shake it off because you have to be at work in an hour.

5. Switch to your non-dominant hand and retry the raccoon thing.

6. Stare blankly at the bathroom floor tiles for a moment while contemplating the meaning of life.

7. Try again standing up.

8. Try again sitting down.

9. Decide to take a shower. A nice, warm, relaxing shower.

10. Try again squatting in the shower.

11. Try again sitting on the edge of the tub.

12. Try again standing with one leg propped up on the faucet.

13. Curse water for making things more slippery than they already are.

14. Turn off the water and stand motionless in the shower until you are shivering and really feeling the weight of the predicament you've gotten yourself into.

15. Consider for a moment leaving it stuck up there, moving to a new city, finding a new job, and starting a new life.

16. Realize that none of that will change the fact that you have a menstrual cup stuck inside your body.

17. Emerge from the bathroom and locate your live-in boyfriend.

18. Explain to your live-in boyfriend that the menstrual cup you were so excited to use has betrayed you and now you both have to move to California and change your names.

19. Accept a hug while realizing this is as far as his help can go.

20. Say good-bye to your live-in boyfriend and return to your bathroom lair—this is your home now.

21. Read the directions on the box.

22. Scoff at the part that says "If you can't remove your cup, DO NOT PANIC."

23. And then gasp at the part that says "Unless it's been 12 hours."

24. Do the math.

25. Realize it's been 13 hours.

26. Panic.

27. Text your best friend.

28. Attempt to "give birth" to your cup, as she suggests.