My friend over at ReflectsDamage.com and I were bored and decided to reduce people’s hard work into annoying (and mostly inaccurate) one-liners.

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Movies:

Batman Begins: Billionaire Christian Bale copes with parents’ death by beating the shit out of poor people and the mentally disabled.

The Dark Knight: Billionaire Christian Bale fights his most competent rival, an insane person dressed like a clown.

The Dark Knight Rises: Billionaire Christian Bale gives up his crazy crusade because he realizes it’s crazy. But then he doesn’t, because he’s crazy.

The Matrix Trilogy: Computer programmers can be heroes, too.

Taken: Man personally wipes out 80% of the Albanian population because his daughter was kidnapped, and to impress his ex-wife. Daughter conveniently forgets her best friend was sold into sex slavery and died. Wife shows hints of falling back in love with his violence.

Taken II: Man finishes off the Albanians. Wins back wife. Daughter somehow shows no signs of post-traumatic stress disorder after witnessing two rampages less than a year apart.

Monster’s Inc: Extended metaphor for child predators.

Beauty & the Beast: Kidnappers are rewarded with kidnappees getting Stockholm Syndrome.

The Little Mermaid: A man will find you the love of his life, so long as you don’t say a word and abandon your family.

Aladdin: A street rat shows that anything is possible with the forced servitude of an nigh-omnipotent being.

Mulan: An independent and open-minded girl shows the world that Chinese people might be sexist, but the Huns are truly subhuman.

The Godfather: To quote my mom: “This movie’s all about how you have to be good to your family.”

Terminator: Android goes back in time to kill boy that eventually becomes man who causes Androids to go back in time.

Terminator II: Android goes back in time to stop Android from killing boy that eventually becomes man who causes Androids to go back in time.

Terminator III: I forgot.

Terminator Salvation: Christian Bale fights fake Arnold Schwarzenegger and dies. And by dies, I mean the franchise does.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: A couple is in a relationship so destructive that they literally have their memory wiped to forget about it. This is later revealed to them, and the cycle of abuse continues.

Memento: Mediocre-movie is played backwards, and becomes “amazing” movie.

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf: Weird couple plays weird games with less weird couple.

Citizen Kane: People start out idealistic and become corrupt as they become more powerful? ORLY?

Fight Club: I wish I could do 5,000 situps in a row, like Brad Pitt.

Inception: Christopher Nolan teaches us that confusing can be confused with deep.

Django Unchained/Inglorious Basterds/Kill Bill/Pulp Fiction/Reservoir Dogs: Quentin Tarantino reveals that he is a deeply disturbed individual that is consumed by elaborate revenge fantasies.

Rocky I: Man shows that with an indomitable spirit, you still can’t beat someone who is better than you.

Rocky II: Unless you can.

Rocky III: I forgot.

Rocky IV: The Cold War and its senseless fearful tension were put to an end with Rocky’s violence and jingoism.

Rocky V: Rocky gets brain damage that he should’ve gotten a long time ago.

Rocky Balboa: Rocky’s indomitable spirit defeats his brain damage, and then a man 30 years younger than him.

TV Shows:

Family Guy: Mentally disabled man threatens the safety of his loved ones on a weekly basis. All is forgiven and forgotten.

The Simpsons: Jaundice is okay if everyone has it.

Bob’s Burgers: [Breaking Character] This is the greatest show ever made, there are no flaws.

Breaking Bad: Man does everything for his family. Goes unappreciated.

Malcolm in the Middle: Man does everything for his family. Goes unappreciated.

Spongebob Squarepants: Approximately 30 year old Sponge wastes away life with drugs and shenanigans.

Homeland: CIA entrusts National Security to mentally unstable woman who is in a known love affair with confirmed terrorist.

Big Bang Theory: Words are meaninglessly thrown around to a laugh-track.

Friends: Six people remain friends despite events that should suggest otherwise.

House: As long as you’re a doctor trying to save someone, you can be a law-breaking dick.

Law & Order: Criminal cases are definitely not long and drawn out, and always result in closure, if not satisfying conclusion.

White Collar: Looking handsome is the most effective form of crime-solving.

Books:

The Odyssey: Dude gets lost, goes home, murders other men who talked to his wife.

Les Miserables: People in France are sad, until they’re not.

On The Road: Jack Kerouac blows himself.

Animal Farm: Social commentary that becomes deeper by the sole fact that it is an extended metaphor.

Fahrenheit 451: Paper burns. But also metaphorically.

The Great Gatsby: A bunch of rich people going “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

To Kill a Mockingbird: Racism is bad. The South was bad. Some people in the South were good.

Of Mice and Men: A man easily defeats a mouse in combat.

Any Haruki Murakami book: Dude falls in love with kind-of-unique-but-not-really girl. Strange circumstances ensue.

The Fountainhead/Atlas Shrugged: Ayn Rand hates poor people so much, that she wrote these books in her own blood.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: Hunter S. Thompson does Hunter S. Thompson-like things. (It’s drugs.)

A Clockwork Orange: An author is glorified for writing out his rape and murder fantasies.

American Psycho: An author is glorified for writing out his rape and murder fantasies, in AMERICA.

The Scarlet Letter: SPOILER ALERT: It was “A,” for Adultery.

The Count of Monte Cristo: Some flamboyantly dressed man is unable to let go of a thing that happened.

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius: Smart dude writes about sad stuff.

Ender’s Game: Kid goes through brutal training to fight in an intergalactic war that he is emotionally unprepared for. Is kind of a crybaby about it.

Sports:

Tennis: It’s just hitting a ball back and forth until someone screws up.

Table Tennis: It’s just tennis on a table.

NASCAR: It’s just making left turns.

F1 Racing: It’s just NASCAR + right turns.

Basketball: It’s just putting a ball into a hole.

Golf: It’s just putting a ball into a hole.

Soccer: It’s just putting a ball through a rectangular hole.

Hockey: It’s just putting a puck through a rectangular hole. (ON ICE!)

Baseball: You just hit a ball with a stick.

Cricket: You just hit a ball with a stick, with an accent.

Polo: You just hit a ball with a stick, on a horse.

Water Polo: You throw a ball in the water and no horses are involved.

Football: The guy with the ball must run for his life or suffer severe physical and ultimately, psychological, injury.

Track: You literally just run.

Horseback Riding: You enjoy a gingerly tour on a horse.

Dressage: It’s just rich people making fun of poor people.

Occupations:

Lawyer: It’s just someone who makes obvious logical connections.

Ac”count”tant: Just someone who counts things.

Teacher: An adult teaching childish concepts.

Heart Surgeon: It’s literally this easy to get an A+ in Surgeon School.

Pediatrician: Touches kids.

Gynecologist: Someone who invades privacy as a profession.

Police Officer: Someone who invades privacy for funsies.

Pharmacist: Drug Dealer.

Drug Dealer: Pharmacist.

Optometrist: Someone who tells you if you can’t see far or close.

Ophthalmologist: Same thing, but does surgery and is harder to spell.

Optician: Eye pharmacist.

Author: Writes own thoughts as if they are important.

Journalist: Something happens. They record it.

Computer Programmer: Made Doom II, some other stuff.

Banker: Just moves money around.

Engineer: Builds bridges and shit.

Arts & Sciences:

Geology: It’s just looking at rocks and waiting for earthquakes.

Biology: Just categorizing animals and shit.

Astronomy: Looking up.

Meteorology: The study of flipping a coin to see if it will rain or not.

Chemistry: Watch Mythbusters + Breaking Bad.

Physics: Talking about literally what you experience all the time.

Quantum Physics: Physics but smaller.

Impressionism: Just a bunch of dots.

Expressionism: Art for people who can’t draw things accurately.

Cubism: Art for people who can’t do expressionism.

Dada: Trying too hard.

Classical Music: Music written by men in wigs.

Baroque Music: Classical music on an old twangy piano.

Romantic Music: Beethoven is one angry dude, yo.

Impressionist Music: Sounds ambiguously Chinese-y.

Pop Music: To whom Ellie Goulding sold her soul.

Jazz: Music white people stole from black people and ruined.

Rock n’ Roll: Music white people stole from black people and ruined.

Rap: Music white people are trying to steal from black people. It is already ruined.

Video Games:

Super Mario Bros.: Destroy property, kill natives, overthrow Sovereign to impress the mother of the Sovereign’s child.

Pokemon: Child is encouraged by society to engage in internationally-celebrated cockfighting.

Call of Duty: Solving problems with guns.

Halo: Solving problems with fancy space guns, in fancy space.

Street Fighter: Solving problems without the use of weapons.

Mortal Kombat: Copyright Infringement.

Tekken: Copyright Infringement for people with no motor skills.

Dead or Alive: Copyright Infringement with boobs.

Starcraft: You send a bunch of small people to kill other small people. [Jack loves this game].

DoTA: You send one small person to kill other small people. [Jack has devoted literally over 1000 hours on this game. This is not part of the joke. This is a real fact.]

League of Legends: DoTA for people who suck at DoTA.

Tetris: An excuse to show off your organization abilities.

Bejeweled: An excuse to show off your extensive knowledge of basic shapes and colors.

Angry Birds: Evidence of social decline.

Portal: You shoot holes.

Fallout: Post Apocalyptic Sociopath Simulator.

Skyrim: Dragons & Fantasy Sociopath Simulator.

Grand Theft Auto Series: Ignoring the implications of being chased by police constantly.

Mario Kart: Making children angry since 1992. And then making adults angry.

The Legend of Zelda games: Child becomes inhumanly powerful, thereby giving him the right to loot homes and murder indigenous creatures and people. Collaterally saves world.

Sonic the Hedgehog: Hold right. Win game.

Kirby: Fly anywhere, suck people off.

Super Smash Bros.: Down+B. The end. Fuck this game.

Contra: You are bad at games, and by extension, life.

Metal Gear Solid: Sneak up on unassuming soldiers who have wives and families, and heartlessly murder them.

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This blog: A fantastical celebration of nothing.