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#CENSORSHIP 1 CONDOM(1) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual CONDOM(1)

5 NAME

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9 SYNOPSIS

10 condom [options] [processid]

12 DESCRIPTION

13 _condom_ provides protection against System Transmitted

14 Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system. Although the spread of

15 such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious

16 users, _condom_ is the only highly-effective means of preventing

17 viruses from entering your system (see celibacy(1)). Any data passed

18 to _condom_ by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by

19 the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below). _condom_ is known to

20 defend against the following viruses and other malicious

23 o AIDS

24 o Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)

25 o Syphilis

26 o Crabs

27 o Genital warts

28 o Gonorrhea

29 o Chlamydia

30 o Michelangelo

31 o Jerusalem

33 When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1),

34 foam(1), and/or setiud(3), _condom_ also prevents the conception of a

35 child process. If invoked from within a synchronous process, _condom_

36 has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes

37 from becoming parent processes (see the -s option below). When other

38 process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child

39 process from being forked becomes much greater. See pill(1),

40 sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information.

41 If no options are given, the current user's login process (as

42 determined by the environment variable USER) is protected with a

43 Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip. The optional

44 'processid' argument is an integer specifying the process to protect.

45 NOTE: _condom_ may only be used with a hard disk. _condom_

46 will terminate abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy

47 disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below).

49 OPTIONS

50 The following options may be given to _condom_...

52 -b BRAND BRANDs are as follows...

54 trojan (default)

55 ramses

56 sheik

57 goldcoin

58 fourex

60 -m MATERIAL The valid MATERIALs are...

62 latex (default)

63 saranwrap

64 membrane -- WARNING! The membrane option is _not_

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66 effective barrier against certain viruses. It is

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69 -f FLAVOR The following FLAVORs are currently supported...

71 plain (default)

72 apple

73 banana

74 cherry

75 cinnamon

76 licorice

77 orange

78 peppermint

79 raspberry

80 spearmint

81 strawberry

83 -r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)

85 -s STRENGTH STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying

86 the resilience of _condom_ against data passed to

87 _condom_ by the protected process. Using a larger

88 value of STRENGTH increases _condom_'s protective

89 abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication.

90 A smaller value of STRENGTH increases interprocess

91 communication, but also increases the likelihood of a

92 security breach. An extremely vigorous process or

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95 default STRENGTH is 80%.

97 -t TEXTURE Valid TEXTUREs are...

99 rough (default)

100 ribbed

101 bumps

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105 WARNING: The use of an external application to _condom_ in

106 order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in

107 benchmark tests to decrease _condom_'s strength factor! If execution

108 speed is important to your process, use the '-t lubricated' option.

110 DIAGNOSTICS

111 _condom_ terminates with one of the following exit codes...

113 -1 An attempt was made to use _condom_ on a floppy disk.

115 0 _condom_ exited successfully (no data was passed to

116 the synchronous process).

118 1 _condom_ failed and data was allowed through. The

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120 process is inversely proportional to the number of other

121 protections employed and is directly proportional to

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124 BUGS

125 _condom_ is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process

126 from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although

127 the System Administrator General has deemed that _condom_ is the most

128 effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted

129 viruses). See celibacy(1) for information on a 100% effective program

130 for preventing these problems.

131 Remember... the use of sex(1) and other related routines

132 should only occur between mature, consenting processes. If you must

133 use sex(1), please employ _condom_ to protect your process and your

134 synchronous process. If we are all responsible, we can stop the

135 spread of STVs.

137 AUTHORS and HISTORY

138 The original version of _condom_ was released in Roman times

139 and was only marginally effective. With the advent of modern

140 technology, _condom_ now supports many more options and is much more

142 The current release of _condom_ was written by Ken Maupin at

143 the University of Washington (maupin@cs.washington.edu) and was last

144 updated on 10/7/92.

146 SEE ALSO