A brief, incomplete, and mostly right summary of Homestuck

Some people hate Homestuck because they think it’s about a boy who just stands around in his bedroom. I will not try to tell these people that they are wrong, but at least with my help they can easily lie to their friends by pretending that they have actually read Homestuck and enjoyed it.

Here are some choice plot points from acts 1 through 6, in no particular order:

Mark Twain is killed by a newborn baby dual-wielding flintlock pistols

Somebody chops a meteor in half with a sword

One of the villains builds a tall building full of staircases just to torment a guy in a wheelchair

About 90% of the characters are time travelers

Somebody attacks a planet by dropping a moon out of orbit

A video game destroys all life on Earth

One of the characters makes Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff

Charles Dutton can see into the future

A god shows up and literally juggles a bunch of planets

A Prohibition-era mobster plows through a wall Kool-Aid Man style

The whole universe blows up

A completely different universe also blows up

The author jumps into the story and engages in melee combat with the devil himself

The creators of the universe track down the main characters to scream at them over the internet

Betty Crocker lands her alien spaceship on Earth

There are dinosaurs

I apologize for how much was left out of this summary. By the time it reaches completion, Homestuck will be longer than Leo Tolstoy’s famous novel War and Peace. If anyone wants to try writing a better summary, I wish them luck.