







I joined match.com, and quickly realized it was going to be a rough slog. First of all, I'm as superficial as anyone else; I wanted to date attractive women. That eliminated at least half the profiles. Second, most of the attractive women wanted to date focused, successful men that earned at least $100,000 a year, instantly knocking me out of the picture.

Lastly--and this was the biggest sticking point--most of the profiles bored the living shit out of me.

"Friends and family chide me for my rapacious wit."

"I'm equally up for a night on the town, or a quiet meal at home."

"I am passionate about life. I don't like games."

Reading profiles while in bed guaranteed slumber within 10 minutes or less.



Do dating sites give away tours to Machu Pichu or the Great Wall of China? There were endless photos of women at those destinations; camel riding was big, along with winning triathlons and ski races in Colorado. I didn't understand how I would ever get a date, considering all these women had rich, rewarding careers, worked out at least five times a week, dined in Paris and jumped on planes to catch weekend sunsets in Bora Bora or Antigua.





I decided to check out some men's profiles, to see what the competition was up to. I learned that it's possible to construct sentences without the use of punctuation, and that adding Ha! Ha! to the end of a sentence makes for hilarious prose. I now intend to employ this clever writing device whenever possible. Ha! Ha! I was also introduced to the new, modern, single male. Turns out men no longer want to get laid. They want to be friends first, slowly building a relationship based on trust and mutual respect. Men today are only seeking life partners. Superficial women looking for one-nighters filled with fabulous, uninhibited sex should just skip right over them. They're not built that way.



My conclusion? Online dating couldn't possibly be taken seriously. I used a photo of a potted plant as my main profile picture and wrote that all other photos were taken in 1937. Trying to make my intentions clear to any potential suitorettes, I broke down the main "About Me" portion to a series of bullet points, then filled out the other details accordingly:

A second later she asked for money.

I'm poor. I do have a crappy job I don't really like, so I can usually pay my bills. I'm pretty much broke all the time, though. Hope you like cycling and public parks. Don't worry, though--I know where all the cheap taco trucks hang out.

I'm wearing sunglasses in my pictures...that guy must be hiding something. Would you believe I lost an eye in a chivalrous sword fight, battling for the honor of a woman? Neither would I. And who's the young girl in the photo? That's my 13-year-old daughter, who showers me with love and affection, until she asks for something and I say no. Then she HATES me.

So I was writing this and noticed a little box to the right..."Profile Pro." For $39.95, a professional writer can make me sound much more interesting and intelligent than I really am. Isn't that kind of deceiving? What if I'm totally illiterate? Why not have a "Photo Pro" that will touch up all my photos as well? Or "Life Pro" that will make my whole life look better. Think I'd buy that one...

I haven't seen your photos, but can already tell you to delete the third pic. Yeah, that one. It makes you look chunky (notice I didn't say fat). Chunky and a little insane. I told you not to wear that flowered print and you did anyway. You never listen to me.

Do you have any coupons for this site? I figure if I can stack enough of them I won't have to pay anything. BTW, I own a Rolls Royce and a yacht.

Everything else about me is private--I'm never going to tell you anything. Never, ever, ever.

Quick--how many fingers am I holding up right now? See, you're wrong. We'll never be compatible--I knew it. My conclusion? Online dating couldn't possibly be taken seriously. I used a photo of a potted plant as my main profile picture and wrote that all other photos were taken in 1937. Trying to make my intentions clear to any potential suitorettes, I broke down the main "About Me" portion to a series of bullet points, then filled out the other details accordingly:

Interests: Pornography, Jackass, any combination therein.



Sports and exercise: To be avoided at all costs. Interferes with my digestion.



For Fun: Pulling wings off insects, kicking people with severe disabilities, spitting.



Pets: Fluffy died when I was nine; I'm still in mourning. Any references to animals will set me off in unpredictable ways.



Hot Spots: The underside of a recently used frying pan, an iron with the setting on Cotton, the conical point of a lit blowtorch.



Political views: Kill them all.



Sign: Yield, Keep Off the Grass, Sunny Acres Funeral Home.



Last read: Sugar, alkalized cocoa, beet juice color, caramel color, whey, and 1.5% or less of: natural vanilla flavor, salt, carrageenan, soy lecithin. MADE ON EQUIPMENT THAT ALSO PROCESSES WHEAT. Distributed by Nestle USA, Inc., Glendale, CA 91203 USA.



Amazingly, a lot of women responded.



P.S. I'm a glutton for punishment...submitting this to the inimitable bloggers at Pornography,any combination therein.To be avoided at all costs. Interferes with my digestion.Pulling wings off insects, kicking people with severe disabilities, spitting.Fluffy died when I was nine; I'm still in mourning. Any references to animals will set me off in unpredictable ways.The underside of a recently used frying pan,an iron with the setting on Cotton, the conical point of a lit blowtorch.Kill them all.Yield, Keep Off the Grass, Sunny Acres Funeral Home.Sugar, alkalized cocoa, beet juice color, caramel color, whey, and 1.5% or less of: natural vanilla flavor, salt, carrageenan, soy lecithin. MADE ON EQUIPMENT THAT ALSO PROCESSES WHEAT. Distributed by Nestle USA, Inc., Glendale, CA 91203 USA.Amazingly, a lot of women responded.P.S. I'm a glutton for punishment...submitting this to the inimitable bloggers at Dudewrite this week.

Four years ago, my marriage went through a rough phase where I thought my wife and I were quitsies. A few of the details were less than flattering to my ego; my self esteem took a gigantic kick to the cookies. Not quite so debilitating that my attraction to the fairer sex went away, though. After a few months, I decided I should get back 'out there', wherever that was. One snag: I hadn't dated in 15 years. Tom the Fireman advised me that a recently divorced, studly work friend was engaged in something called online dating. I'd never heard of it. This guy had so many women contacting him, he couldn't keep up with the correspondence. Women have a thing for firemen, though. Must be the smell.