For the purposes of this post, I am a scientist. I am currently bordering on having my third child turn three. Scientists use data and rigorous testing to develop a hypothesis. Considering I am knee deep in a shit sea of test tubes containing three year old children as specimens, you can call me doctor.

Every person has had the distinct pleasure of working for a boss who had no business managing human beings, primates or any classification of mammal. Someone who, you imagined through angry eyes and gritted teeth, struggled to put on pants in the morning. Yet, miraculously, this person made it into the upper echelons of “The Man(agement)”. For the purposes of this study, we will refer to these test subjects as: Asshole Bosses or simply Asshole, for short.

Your Asshole Boss and The Three-Year-Old Child. Hypothesis – They are exactly the same.

A bold statement to be sure, but, rest assured that I have examples, facts and data to back up my claims. I am, after all, a scientist.

FACT 1: Vacation? Restroom break? Lunch?

Asshole Boss: FUCK YOU. You are on their timeline. You can leave your desk when they are done with their morning marathon of high-fiving and solitaire playing with Hank, V.P. of Accounts. You don’t leave your desk until they leave their desk for their mid-morning, early afternoon, after lunch or pre-evening cappuccinos.

Three-year-old: FUCK YOU. You are on their timeline. You don’t leave your station next to them until they are done with their morning marathon of sitting on top of the cat and hiding the remotes. Don’t even think of going to put on real pants until they’ve had breakfast, breakfast snack, post-breakfast snack snack and pre-lunch snack.

FACT 2: Embarrassing you in public.

Asshole Boss: Doesn’t know what the FUCK they are talking about. It’s a good thing you are there to correct their incoherent jibber-jabber in meetings, conference calls and lunches with clients.

Three-year-old: Doesn’t know what the FUCK they are talking about. It’s a good thing you are there to explain their incoherent jibber-jabber in play groups, during doctor visits and lunches with friends you’ll never see again when you explain that HOO-HAW means donkey and DamnItPenis is just how they say Uncle Dennis.