A Toast To Friendship

Abby T. Blocked Unblock Follow Following Oct 14, 2017

If there is one thing I would consider myself qualified to be an expert on, it’s friendship. I’ve enjoyed friendship in all of its many beautiful forms:

The Acquaintanceship:

This one is a favorite of mine. So low maintenance! They like all of your Instagram posts without you having to ask, probably won’t care that much if you cancel on them, and you don’t even have to get them a birthday present. I’ve often been criticized for my love of acquaintances (yeah I get it I have commitment issues), but I cannot recommend this type of friendship enough. Plus they’ll never have to see your crazy side. 10/10.

Pros: They don’t know enough about you to dislike you. Quite the LinkedIn connection.

Cons: They don’t actually give a shit about you and they will eventually forget you ever existed. You will not be invited to their wedding. You’ll have to see all their posts on LinkedIn.

(No picture for this one, no real point.)

2. The Group Oriented friendship:

Yeah you know the one. This is the friend you only hangout with when you are in a group somewhere together. Spend time together alone? No way. What would we talk about? That’s so uncomfortable. You might hangout with this person for many years and have countless group photos with them, all without ever having to have a one on one conversation with them.

Pros and Cons?: Not really any. You don’t dislike each other, you just lack the chemistry and effort for actual friendship. You’ll probably be the only one in the group that won’t be invited to their wedding, sorry.

3. The Childhood Friendship:

You have history. SO much history. This complicates things. You have to give this person credit because they were friends with you when you were at your ugliest and most pathetic and yet they still speak to you. Whether or not you have anything in common anymore, you are still obligated to stay friends because it’s just been so damn long!!! Enjoy long awkward silences with this person as well as conversations that only revolve around who from your home town has had a baby. Just absolutely riveting stuff.

Pros: They kind of have to invite you to their wedding.

Cons: They’ll tag you in annoying listicles (not unlike this one) about all the reasons your childhood friendship is your most important friendship and you’ll have to respond because you feel bad(there should be an “out of obligation” react on Facebook).

4. The Roommateship:

This is a complicated one. It’s often hard to tell where the line between roommate and friend really is. Do you hangout just because you live together or because you actually like each other’s company? You’ll probably never figure it out. It’s very likely when you move out that you’ll never talk to them again due to this uncertainty. You’ll refer to this person as your roommate from now on, even if you were friends before you moved in together.

Pros: Passive aggressiveness is expected, and you’ll never really have to apologize for it.

Con: Clean your fucking dishes Amanda.

5. The Toxic Friendship:

Hannah is not actually toxic, this picture just felt right.

This ones a classic. It’s the friendship you’ve ended 400 times. The one you’ve subtweeted about. The one your other friends have begged you to stop talking about. This friendship is manipulative and overwhelming, but you just can’t stay away from it. I mean the devil you know right? This friend probably hates when you hangout with other people and is totally not supportive of your accomplishments. This person knows how to use your anxieties against you. You are constantly fighting with them like you’re dating. They send paragraph text messages. You’ll avoid this person years later when you see them at a coffeeshop.

Pros: I cannot think of one. Please get out of this friendship as soon as possible.

Cons: Literally everything.

6. The Best-Friendship

Shoutout to my friend Rachel for this bold move.

I’ll admit, this is another favorite of mine. I’ve called way too many people my best friend in my life and I’m not sure any have truly fit the definition (probably why I should stick to acquaintanceships). Either way I enjoy watching other people have this type of friendship and again cannot recommend it enough. This is the friend you might as well be dating. You are obsessed with them, but it’s not an issue because they are equally obsessed with you. They are supportive and not only will they always like your Instagram pics, but they will comment too. I know. AMAZING. This is a highly emotional relationship though, and that can cause complication. This is the friendship most likely to turn toxic so proceed with caution and try not to turn a good thing into a bad thing.

Pros: You’ll probably be IN their wedding. Everything else.

Cons: You have to get them a birthday present.

The Probably Too Specific Honorable Mentions: The Friendship That Only Exists Because You Have to See Each Other at Work or Class, The Best Friendship That Can’t Even Make it a Week Long Distance, The Friendship Where They Are Actually in Love With You but You Like The Attention So You Ignore It, The Friendship From Birthright That at least Gives You a Place to Stay When You’re in New Jersey (PERKS), The Friendship Forced From a Semester Abroad That Ended Up Being a Wildly Successful Group Chat.