Horse: Introducing the Mormon Zodiac Signs (Part 2 of 8)

Have you ever daydreamed about the epic battles in The Book of Mormon? Who hasn’t, right? (The majority of people in the world.) Wouldn’t it be cool to see the Nephites and Lamanites at the Hill Cumorah, battling it out in that same place where the Jaredites (they called it the Hill Ramah) also had their epic battle?

The Hill Cumorah is amazing. Most people know it as the place where the Golden Plates were buried, but it’s also the place where two epic battles took place. It’s the hill where the Jaredite people were wiped out, and then the Nephites 1,000 years later. These were cataclysmic battles, with over two million Jaredites killed (Ether 15:2) and about 230,000 Nephites killed (Mormon 6). Seriously?! 2.2 million dead people!

So where are all the remains of those people, like their bones, their armor, and their swords? That’s a great question for Jesus in the next life, isn’t it? And what about pre-Columbian horses in the Americas? Why isn’t there any evidence for the horses and chariots that we hear about in the Book of Mormon? Make sure you add these questions and more to your “Things To Ask Jesus In The Afterlife” list. In the meantime, here are some apologetics!

Straight from the Horse’s Mouth — or was it a Tapir’s Mouth?

If you’ve wondered about pre-Columbian horses in the Americas during Book of Mormon times, wonder no more! Have you heard of tapirs? I hadn’t either, but holy shit! According to some Mormon scholars, tapirs could very well have been the “horses” that are referred to in The Book of Mormon.

Just because actual horses weren’t in the Americas during that time doesn’t mean there weren’t other animals like tapirs that people could have rode around on. I mean look at them — don’t they just scream “viable transportation option”?

I could totally see Captain Moroni or Gidgiddoni riding around on one of those (3 Nephi 3:22). And I bet Ammon was a top-notch tapir wrangler for King Lamoni, whose horses and chariots he apparently took care of! Just imagine their cute little bodies trouncing around — ADORABLE. Like a 50s-style modest dress from DownEast.

Attribute Emphasis: Mental

Horses are intelligent and intuitive. They have cool heads and keen minds. They are masters of planning and analyzing, but don’t always reach proper conclusions. Horses are clean and tidy — they can’t stand a mess. They love mentally stimulating conversations and try to avoid any gushy emotional talk. This can make them seem cold and callous, because they just aren’t interested in the day-to-day drama “horse shit” flavor of the day.

Horses are impatient and indecisive. Not every problem needs to be analyzed to death — try pulling a solution out of your ass once in a while. It might help you to loosen up your anal-retentiveness.

Strengths:

Horses are very loyal, great at critical thinking, love to plan ahead, and surprisingly good at disappearing without a trace of evidence.*

Weaknesses:

Horses can be indecisive, impatient, and overly critical. They are prone to being stuck in analysis paralysis, and repeatedly beating a dead horse.

Zodiac Dates: March 21st – May 5th

This is a busy time of year for your brain – A time for it to be overworked and underappreciated. For students, this is the season for final exams and requisite all-nighter cramming sessions. For those who love to do taxes (who are those people?), the time leading up to the April 15th deadline is downright magical in its ability to cripple people with stress and anxiety.

Day of the Week: Tuesday

Studies show that Tuesday is the most boring day of the week. The weekend just gone seems like ancient history, and the upcoming weekend feels like an unreachable future. Which is to say that Horses love it! Tuesday is a great day to use your brain for some heavy lifting. Whether it’s doing your taxes, your homework, or going over expense reports, make the most of your Tuesday!

If this is Your Zodiac Sign

If you are a Horse, you know that you’re the smartest person in the room, and you shouldn’t feel weird about your superiority. But however awesome your brain is, remember that you have so much more of yourself to share with the world, like your personality and sense of humor. Who else can tell a science joke like you? Like the joke you shared with that lady at the grocery store: “How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible!” Haha! That was awesome, and so are you! Don’t you forget it.

Reference in Mormonism:

* Horses are mentioned 14 times in the Book of Mormon (e.g., Alma 18:9, 12; 20:6; 3 Nephi 3:22), but somehow there isn’t any historical evidence of pre-Columbian horses in the Americas. Some Mormon apologists believe the “horses” of the Book of Mormon could have been tapirs. (Fairmormon.org)