I consider to be myself pretty ordinary, and it mostly doesn't bother me anymore. I will never find the cure to cancer, nor save the world. Even though I'd like to see the world be a better place, and I contribute what I'm willing to, to making that happen. Although I don't necessarily think of myself in terms of being ordinary, but that would not be an inaccurate summary. More, human, just like everyone else, even the extraordinary people.



Here are some of the things that have worked for me.



Focus on my values/integrity rather than my output as compared with others. I used to have a desire to be special. And I sometimes still get stuck in comparing myself with some of the people in my social group who are doing AMAZING things and impacting the world in big ways. It sometimes even makes me wonder what is wrong with me that I'm not "doing more." So one way to come to terms is to stop comparing yourself to extraordinary people. For me my question is not "am I as good as they are" but often "am I living up to my values and if not what do I need to change."



Remember I'm human just like everybody else, even the extraordinary people. I also think that some ordinary people are everyday heros. The people who try everyday to be good at what they do, even if what they are doing is not innovative.The people who do the 'right' thing, because it is the 'right' thing, not because of what recognition it will bring them, they do it regardless of whether or not anyone is watching. The people who are focused on being good parents, being congruent with their values, etc. The world needs those people as much as it needs people who are innovative or extraordinary. But this type of value is very very hard to measure, for me anyway, so it is an act of faith that ordinary people also have immeasurable value (we can't see the collateral impact of many of choices, for example). I do know that simply being me has helped other people be better "thems" (they've told me). And, at the end of the day, even extraordinary people are human, just like you and me. We have all experienced fear, self-doubt, anxiety, excitement, anger, pain, etc . . . and we've all made mistakes, had errors in judgment, shown compassion and cruelty.



Accept the consequences of my choices. Another thing I had to come to terms with are the choices I make play role in extraordinary output. Many extraordinary people are like ducks on water-- they make it look smooth on the surface but are working like hell to sometimes even stay still, much less move against the current. It is a cost benefit analysis between how hard you want to work, what your focus is on, and other things. It sometimes not that I don't want something, it is that I'm not willing to do what it *might* take to get there. Working one's ass off has no guarantee of success or happiness. And success has no guarantee of happiness either.



Recognize what is outside of my control. Sometimes luck has a huge role in being extraordinary. Right place at the right time. Serendipitous meetings. Historical context or placement. There are a few not-airy-fairy articles online about concrete steps you can take to increase serendipity in your life. And there are also things that are not my fault that do make it harder for me to achieve, though I wouldn't say impossible. I think most people have some kind of thing they need to work around, some have more than others, and we can let those impediments limit us, or do something about them, or accept that we have the ability to work around and may choose not to.



Unpack the cultural push to be an individual snow-flake. Some of my discontent with being ordinary came from my mom. Telling me things like "why be the nurse when you can be the Dr." or "why be the secretary when you can be the attorney." What I liked was never good enough for her. That really didn't help with self-acceptance, even though I knew at the time I didn't actually *want* to be role my mom saw as higher status/more important. Some of our culture also highly values the extraordinary, and with good reason those people tend to benefit a lot of humankind. But our culture also values keeping up with the Joneses, and appearances about what is extraordinary can be deceiving. So, why do you want to be extraordinary? What do you do or say to yourself when you aren't? What are the social consequences? Is it really you or is it outside influence that's been internalized? Is it maybe actually that you just want acknowledgment, or to feel loved and belonging and think by being extraordinary it will come? Something else?



Get out of the extraordinary/ordinary frame. I've found the more judge others in some measurement frame, the more it trained me to also judge myself, (ie fat/thin, pretty/ugly, smart/dumb, ordinary/extraordinary.). It's a hard habit to get out of. My preferred metric now "do I feel good around this person more often than not," regardless of their external accomplishments or appearance? I can step outside that and into the ordinary/extraordinary framing, but it isn't actually helpful for me to always be comparing or just judging. I've met some extraordinary assholes, and I'd rather be around an 'ordinary' kind humans. But generally ordinary/extraordinary doesn't factor in when I think about why I want to hang out with someone.



What can I do to help someone else? You might ask yourself "If you know someone who is working on something extraordinary, how can you help them?" For me, I like to be helpful, whether a person is extraordinary or not, if I can be (because I am not always helpful, heck I don't even always want to interact with other people sometimes). Where help is not what you want for them, but what is actually useful to them? I struggle with that last question sometimes, but that I'm even aware of the dynamic- that many people give help from their pov rather than what is actually useful to the person being helped, I hope means that I may actually be helpful more often than if I weren't aware of that dynamic. But that also means sometimes doing nothing is more helpful than what I think *should* be helpful.



Be kind/understanding to myself (when I can can*). Which doesn't mean let myself off the hook, or self-indulge, but approach myself with kindness and understanding about the pain I might be in right now. A tool that might help: If you were to imagine having this conversation with a friend or a child, where the child is telling you about feeling ordinary, rather than trying to "fix" it, you could empathize, you understand some of the pain that other person might be going through coming to this realization. It doesn't feel good. If it's a child that is close to you, maybe you love them anyway, regardless of whether they are ordinary, or extraordinary. And maybe, imagine having that conversation with yourself. Show yourself some kindness and understanding, and if it might be true, let yourself know you love yourself anyway.



*I say "when I can", because I recognize it isn't always possible to be kind and understanding to ourselves or others. I know I am not all the time. Depends on the day, other circumstances, what my capacity is in the moment, etc etc. So it is more like a commitment to practice that mindset.