There are plenty of articles covering the topic of victim blaming as it relates to domestic violence, but I'm discovering that there’s no such thing as too much awareness in the this case. I’m adding my voice to the many others, in the hope of educating even just a handful of people.

Last night I was having dinner with two people who are very dear to me. Good people, salt of the earth, loving and caring people. The news came on and there was a story about a woman who crashed her car into a house as she was fleeing from her abusive partner. It was reported that as she sat in her car he approached her and yelled at her about what an idiot she was, scoffing at her lack of insurance and what a difficult situation she'd created for herself by crashing in her attempt to get away from him.

My heart went out to the woman, and prompted by this clear example of one of the reasons it can be difficult to walk away from an abusive partner (victims of domestic violence are in the most danger immediately after leaving a relationship) I commented on my frustration at recent instances of victim blaming in cases of domestic violence.

I was not expecting anyone at the table to agree with the victim blamers, but that’s what I was confronted with.

Why don't women just leave? Why do they get into these relationships? There’s nothing more we can do, they need to learn to walk away.

These questions and statements are often spoken without any malice towards the victims, they seem logical to whoever is saying them. They are words borne by the frustration of seeing vulnerable people being hurt, when logic dictates that they should know there are services available to support them, and that removing themselves from the situation will end it. Unfortunately logic goes out the window when there is domestic violence in your life, and putting responsibility onto the victims does nothing to help.

Hearing those words as someone who has been a victim of domestic violence, I felt judged. I felt weak and helpless all over again, as I feebly tried to explain why things aren't that simple, my words failing me as I tried to hold back tears.

Leaving an abusive relationship is far from easy. From the outside you can say that you would if it were you, that at the first sign of abuse you would walk away; but that opinion is formed in a world of black and white, good and bad. In reality, abusive relationships are a confusing swirl of grey.

Even recognising and admitting that you're in an abusive relationship can be difficult; it’s not like you go on 3 dates with a guy then he punches you in the face for overcooking a roast. Abuse escalates as the goal posts for acceptable behaviour are inched out further and further, by the time you realise the goal posts are gone altogether, you’re trapped by the threat of what will happen if you stop playing their game. Suicide, posting revenge porn, escalating violence against the victim (and their family, or future partners); these are common threats feared by victims of domestic violence.

Some people claim that they would never go out with someone capable of hitting their partner, but those people have no idea how charming and loving abusers can be. People picture perpetrators of domestic violence in a limited way; they see strung out meth heads who have lost touch with reality, red faced unemployed drunks wearing bonds singlets, maybe the occasional detached business man keeping his trophy wife in line with a backhanded slap. People think of caricature like extremes, when in reality anyone you know could be an abuser.

A victim of domestic violence does not go looking to be hurt, they don't invite that torment into their life, they can't see their potential future laid out in front of them. The beginning of an abusive relationship is usually intensely positive, abusers need their victims to love them and depend on them so that they can begin a cycle of controlling behaviour which may escalate to physical assault — or even murder.

Even though I’m out of that relationship, being confronted with victim blaming was very upsetting, but if I was to have such a conversation while I was still in the midst of an abusive relationship the result would be worse. It would reinforce the self-blame that is so common for victims of domestic violence, reinforce the need to hide what’s really going on, reinforce the shame.

I don't expect anyone to read this and instantly understand a victim’s perspective, you have every right to be confused as to why they don't just leave. I beg you though, never say it out loud. You don't know who around you may be in an abusive relationship, it’s rarely obvious, and those victims need to hear compassionate voices. They need to know admitting their situation will be met with support rather than judgement.

In asking the question “why don't you just leave?” you're actually making it harder for them to do just that.