“Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve been dying to take a trip and get some miles on the Pinhoti for a LONG time now. Partially because I want to run some of the course and know what I am up against, but mostly because I am craving some adventure and to play on some trails outside of Birmingham. I finally had a free weekend and although I should have done yard work on my house, I decided to make this adventure happen instead. I’m glad that I did, because it was exactly what I needed.

The plan was to do a long run at Oak Mountain on Friday morning, drive to Heflin Friday afternoon, camp out at the starting line of the Pinhoti 100 and run a section of the course out-and-back Saturday morning/afternoon/all-day.

My goal for this weekend was to force myself to run slowly. Relaxed running is very hard for me and is my biggest hurdle to cross in training for ultras. I spent years pushing every run at an anaerobic threshold pace. Even when a coach would tell us to take a run slowly, our group would always push the pace faster than it was intended to be. My body has learned to love and crave the threshold. The result has been a premature bonk in most of my marathon and ultra attempts. I’ve resolved this weekend to focus on taking my time, having fun, and keeping the title quote of this blog post on the front of my mind.

“Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience.”

I camped this weekend for the first time since high school. It used to be a large part of my life with the Boy Scouts. It was fun and I realized how much I missed it. I hope to reintroduce it into my life more often.

Camping allowed me to get an early start on the trail where I quickly realized that running slowly on these trails would be no problem. If I thought Birmingham’s trails were tough, the Pinhoti makes them feel like a 4 lane highway. The trail was narrow and overgrown. After two steps onto the trail, I took a face full of a spider webs. I could see many more ahead. I had to take a tree branch with me to clear out the webs as I ran.

The first few miles continued at this slow jog while clearing out spider webs, climbing over trees fallen trees, looking out for snakes and finding myself covered in green sticky things. It was tough and sometimes more of a hike than a run, but I was having fun.

Eventually, I reached half-way to my turn around where I previously placed a cooler for myself with water, Gatorade and food. There would be another one waiting for me in a few hours at the turn around point.

While running, I observed that it looked like someone had started some trail maintenance but never finished it. Entire trees were chopped down and lying in the middle of the trail which took some time and care to climb over while watching for snakes and other scary things. It was a reminder to myself that I spend a lot of time running and taking advantage of beautiful trails that other volunteers have given thier time and effort to maintain. I am grateful for the amazing access to nature we have in Alabama and I and would love to find some opportunities to volunteer as well.

During this thought process, the trail crossed a forest service road where a car was parked and a man was unloading some items. I waived and he stoped me to ask if I am training for the Pinhoti 100. I told him that I was and he let me know that he is working on the trails to get them cleared out. Glad to meet him, I asked for his info and how to volunteer to work on these trails myself and he gave me his card. He told me that he cleared out the section I was about to run the day before and he was about to start on the section that I just finished. I was so thankful for this information. He was very kind and offered to refill my water bottles but I had just refilled them and had another cooler of water and Gatorade waiting for myself in just a few more miles. I departed from the nice man and sure enough the trails became much easier to run. It was a huge relief to still enjoy the forest without thorny plants constantly attacking my legs. Not to mention, this section was beautiful.

Eventually I made it to my turn around point. The sun was out now in full force, so I took some extra time to sit in the shade, enjoy the beautiful day and hydrate as much as I could before making the long journey back to the campsite. I let it soak in that in just a couple of months, I’ll be back at this spot meeting my crew before continuing on during my first 100 miler. This dream is starting to become too real. It’s both exciting and terrifying. All that I feel is grateful.

By this point, I had already run a long way the day before, ran a long way this morning and still had a long way to go before finishing up for the weekend. I felt good starting back but inevitably, after a few miles my body started to feel tired, sluggish and generally low. This would be fine except that I’ve learned the mind and body have an interesting connection and when I feel physically low, it’s hard to keep from feeling mentally and spiritually low as well.

Cue the screaming voices of negativity, doubt and anxiety:

“Why are you already tired? how are you supposed to run this pace over 100 miles? This isn’t even the hardest part of the course! You are never going to make your goal! In fact, you have never been successful at meeting any of your running goals. You have been running since you were 13 and you have almost nothing to show for it. Running has been nothing but a series of disappointments for you. You have no one to blame for these disappointments but yourself. You don’t eat right, you are lazy, you don’t stretch enough, cross train enough or give this sport enough of your focus.”

The effect is cyclical. Just as my low feeling body influenced my low state of mind, my low state of mind only makes my body feel more tired.

“Now you are walking! WHY ARE YOU WALKING!? This hill isn’t even that steep! Have you seen the elevation profile of Mt. Cheaha? How do you expect to conquer that hill on legs that have already run 35 miles? You know there is another tough hill at mile 70. You’ve never even run 70 miles. Let alone climb a mountain after 70 miles. Pinhoti is just going to be another item on your long list of races you finished but wished you did better.”

It’s hard to silence the voices. Especially when they are true or, at least, when they feel true. I’ve created a three step process to deal with these voices:

Settle into an easy pace that feels more like a bounce than a run. A pace so effortless it feels like you could hold it forever. (Let your relaxed body movement relax your mind) Listen to the voices. Let them know that they are heard and acknowledged (after all, it is yourself talking) Talk back to the voices with more truth.

“Yes, it’s true. I’ve never been satisfied with my running accomplishments. I can count on one hand the running goals I’ve achieved and can count on all of my fingers and toes all of my running regrets. I’m proud of being a college runner, but that pride is diminished by the fact that I was one of the slowest members of the team and never won anything important. Yes, I am happy that I’ve run a few marathons, but I’ve never done so with a time that I’m proud of. I’ll be happy to just finish Pinhoti, but I’d be lying if I said that I won’t be disappointed if I don’t do competitively well.”

Now that I’ve accepted the truth behind the negative doubts. It’s time to fight back.

“But let me ask you a question, David. Who cares? Your family, friends and everyone important in your life already thinks you are pretty great. If you had been a conference champion or qualified for the Boston Marathon, would you be any happier of a person? No. You would have the same job, the same family, same friends and the same beliefs about the world. All you would have is another medal stored in a shoe box.”

The voices can put up a fight too.

“If you don’t care, then why are you doing this? Why do you spend all of your free time running, sleeping, stretching or cross training? You skipped a friends birthday party last night for this trip. Why do you sacrifice opportunities to spend quality time with others for this? I can think of a million better ways that you could be spending your time right now.”

Breathe. Bounce. Find your pace. Acknowledge the anxiety.

“Again, you are right. Sometimes running as much as I do can feel selfish because it doesn’t benefit anybody but myself and I could spend my time doing things that make the world a better place or at least help someone other than myself.”

Then, more truth.

“There is a popular lie that the best way to find God is to climb to the top of a mountain or to get lost in the woods. There is an even more dangerous lie that if athletes have enough faith, God will bless them with winning thier particular sport. The truth is that God is more likely to be found in a prison than a beautiful beach. God is more likely to hear the prayer of the homeless man seeking freedom from addiction than the football team seeking a crystal trophy. God is more likely to show his power through the generosity of others than through the incredible feats of an endurance athlete.”

“I can’t rely on the Pinhoti 100 to give me meaning, value or purpose. If I do, it will let me down. I’ve already found those things somewhere else. Maybe during one of these quiet long runs, I’ll hear the still, small voice calling me to something real. However running isn’t where I find validation and I’m free from caring if I win or lose. I can spend my time running and training for the best race I can because it’s what I love to do and I can know that there is nothing at stake. I like that I’m a good runner. I like that I’m healthy. I like that running brings me on adventures. To run is a privilege, not a chore. It’s a freeing activity, not a cross to bear. Even if everything goes wrong in November and I am unsatisfied with the result, how I will feel in that moment can’t take away from the joy that I feel right now.”

It doesn’t take long before I am many more miles down the trail. My body doesn’t feel sluggish anymore. Although it may sound that I’ve sacrificed or decided that I don’t care about my goals, that is not the case. However, the voices of anxiety and doubt behind them (for the moment) has been silenced and a voice of gratitude to be able to pursue them has taken thier place.

Any runner will tell you that the battle is just as mental as it is physical. I’m grateful this weekend for the opportunity to train both. I feel more prepared for the journey ahead.