Sheeko Sheeko?

Sheeko Xariir

Garowe, Somalia- Member of Puntland parliament and man who eats khat for breakfast, Mudane Hassan Afweyne has tabled a bill in parliament that will condemn wankers to death.

Saying he is haunted by the billions of babies he killed in the three decades he lived as a bachelor in the swamp that is Dixon, Mr. Afweyne told reporters at parliament buildings that preventing the killing of children is a way for him to atone for the genocide he committed during his formative days.

Honorable Afweyne, who claims to have perfected the art of working the meat before the good lord blessed him with wives, believes his bill has the support of almost all members of both the lower and upper houses of the Puntland parliament.

The bill, however, has its detractors. Siyad Kalab, president of the Young Puntlander’s Union, has told a local radio station that his union strongly opposes Mr. Afweyne’s bill. Kalab speculated that if the bill became law, the population of Puntland will explode to an unsustainable level. Said Kalab, “fiiri this is just plain wrong on many levels. First, masturbation is a basic human right. It is in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights ma garatay. Second, there is no evidence that masturbation kills children. The science just isn’t there. Third, and most importantly, is enforcement. How do you enforce such a law?”

Honorable Afweyne, who insists the issue is more important than the tahriib of Puntland’s young people and the fight against Shabaab, is nonetheless jerking ahead with his plan. Accusing Mr. Kalab of having a taste for the ritual killing of babies, Afweyne said his bill will have a strong enforcement procedures such as incentivizing friends, neighbors, and family members to snitch on wankers and training cops and parents to detect acts of masturbation. The bill also calls for the rehabilitation of masturbators who come forward, confess their sins, and atone.

However, curiously, the bill only applies to men. Female wankers are off the hook. Saying though female masturbation is haram, Afweyne argues it does not entail the ritual killing of babies and therefore cannot be subjected to the same laws as male masturbation.

A spokesman for the terrorist group Al-Shabaab told Sheeko Xariir the group supports Mr. Afweyne’s bill. The Council of Somali Imams, Concerned Mothers of Somalia, and Union of Desperate Single Women of Somalia have also expressed their support for the bill.

Mr. Afweyne, who also sponsored bills protecting men who are accused of such ridiculous non-crimes as domestic abuse and sexual assault, told reporters passage of the masturbation bill will be the crowning achievement of his life. “It will go a long way in securing my place in paradise,” said Afweyne triumphantly.