RSVP for #StopSexism Weekly Calls

.

I bet you found that mean phrase on t-shirts and in books everywhere.

—

When you type the words, “boys are stupid, throw rocks at them,” into the search bar on Amazon, you will find a range of clothing and books featuring the phrase available for purchase. Why would we wear clothing that calls boys stupid, or read books that encourages throwing rocks at them?

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

If clothes or books aren’t your thing, you can turn on any comedy and find similar messages. For example, The Simpsons, a long running favorite, features Marge, Homer, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Both of the male characters, Homer and Bart make us laugh at their stupidity. The female characters, in contrast, are exceptionally bright. The Office, another favorite, features a clueless male main character who can’t do anything right.

Plenty of popular memes belittle men online as well. I recently saw: “Man Flu: An illness that causes the male of a species to be helpless and sicker than any other family member. In females: a cold.” Any suggestion that a man feels anything other than strong and powerful provokes merciless responses.

♦◊♦

Ridiculing men seems to be one of America’s favorite comedic pastimes. Why is this? To answer that question, I turned to a man named Robert McKee. McKee’s book “Story,” is recommended by all great modern day storytellers and his workshops are legendary. William Goldman, Academy Award winning screenwriter said, “No matter what continent you live on, if you look outside and see a group of writers or movie nuts gathering, probably Robert McKee is in town.”

In McKee’s book, he explains an important rule of comedy. He says, “In Comedy, the audience must feel that no matter how characters bounce off walls, no matter how they scream and writhe under the whips of life, it doesn’t really hurt.” As the audience, we would feel guilty watching characters get hurt and laughing about it, but if we believe they aren’t really hurt, then we can laugh guilt free. Classic cartoons like Tom and Jerry or Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner are perfect examples. Tom and Wile E. Coyote are continually smashed, burned and injured, but they always bounce back good as new; so we laugh without feeling bad.

This theory probably explains why we think it’s okay to make fun of men and boys. No matter how we ridicule and belittle them, we believe at the end of the day they’re going to bounce back and be just fine

This theory likely explains why we think it’s okay to make fun of men and boys. No matter how we ridicule and belittle them, we believe at the end of the day they’re going to bounce back and be just fine. There is some evidence to support that belief. Men do have higher average salaries around the world (World Bank). They have more leisure time and spend less time doing unpaid work (OECF). They are also less likely to experience gender based violence (ABA).

♦◊♦

Culturally, men are taught from young ages not to cry, not to feel, and not to talk about their pain; but that does not mean they have no pain.

But those statistics don’t tell the whole story. Culturally, men are taught from young ages not to cry, not to feel, and not to talk about their pain; but that does not mean they have no pain. In an article called, “A Self Portrait of Male Depression” by Christopher Scott Downing, he writes, “A depressed man will master faking it when he can’t master anything else.” When men become masters of faking how they feel, they limit their options for coping with pain. The lucky ones find friends, family, or a social network where they can be real and find support; but most are not so lucky. A study done by the University of Arizona and Duke University asked men how many close friends they had. The most common response was zero (Social Isolation).

Without social support, it’s more likely that men will turn to substances or activities that disguise or numb their feelings. Alcohol, drugs, violence, and even suicide are common ways men cope when they’re in pain. The Center for Disease Control says almost 1 in 5 men will meet the criteria for alcohol dependence at some point in their life (CDC). A National Survey on Drug Use found that 1 in 10 men reported using illegal drugs in the last month (Survey). Men make up 75-80% of violent offenders in the United States (DOJ), and commit 83% of spousal murders (ABA). The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention says 77.9% of all suicides in 2013 were male (AFSP).

♦◊♦

One the surface they may fake it well, but evidence shows deep down men are hurting, a lot. Yet instead of building them up, we keep throwing rocks at them. While this may make for entertaining television, it does not make for emotionally healthy men.

Despite what we might see in the movies, men aren’t like Tom and Wile E. Coyote. They don’t always bounce back “good as new” tomorrow. One the surface they may fake it well, but evidence shows deep down men are hurting, a lot. Yet instead of building them up, we keep throwing rocks at them. While this may make for entertaining television, it does not make for emotionally healthy men.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

I often get criticized when I suggest we treat men with dignity and respect, so let me try saying it this way: many of the problems women experience actually have their roots in the problems men experience. We can’t make life better for women without also making it better for men.

We should all increase our efforts to teach the boys and men we care about that those things traditionally considered feminine, like emotions, warmth and connection are not weaknesses, but rather strengths. A perspective change like this would not only increase respect for women, but would also make it more socially acceptable for men to reach out for emotional and social support when they need it—which would make relying on emotion numbing activities and substances less necessary.

♦◊♦

To make this change, we need storytellers, screenwriters and producers to create more stories with characters our young boys can emulate. Instead of bumbling idiots, or violent superheroes, will everyone attending McKee’s story seminars consider creating more depth for our boys? How about wise fathers who feel, connect and maintain committed relationships with their families? Instead of throwing rocks at them, how about skipping rocks with them? And how about more comedies that inspire rather than belittle?

Parents can participate too by pointing out the damaging stereotypes depicted in our entertainment and teaching our sons that they can consciously reject those messages. And rather than teaching our boys their feelings are weak with phrases like “man up” and “be a man,” we can validate and comfort them with phrases like, “that must have really hurt” and “I’ve felt that way before too.” Making it safe for boys (and men) to feel and find support will benefit everyone; and I, for one, am going to start today.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

RSVP for #StopSexism Weekly Calls

What Now? Participate. Take Action. Join The Good Men Project Community.

The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission. All members see the site AD-FREE!

Register New Account

Log in if you wish to renew an existing subscription. Username Email First Name Last Name Password Password Again Choose your subscription level Annual Platinum - $50.00 - 1 Year

Annual Gold - $25.00 - 1 Year

Annual Bronze - $12.00 - 1 Year Credit / Debit Card PayPal Choose Your Payment Method Auto Renew Subscribe to The Good Men Project Daily Newsletter our Terms of Service which can be found here.



◊♦◊

Your ANNUAL PLATINUM membership includes:

1. Free and UNLIMITED ACCESS to participate in ANY of our new Social Interest Groups. We have active communities of like-minded individuals working to change the world on important issues. Weekly facilitated calls that lead to the execution of real-world strategies for change. Complete schedule here, with new ones starting all the time. We now offer 500 calls a year!

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

2. Free and UNLIMITED ACCESS to ALL LIVE CLASSES. Learn how to build your own platform, be a better writer, become an editor, or create social change. Check out our training sessions. As a Platinum member, you can take them all.

3. Invitation to the MEMBERS ONLY Good Men Project Community on Facebook. Connect with other members, network and help us lead this conversation.

4. Access to our PREMIUM MEMBER LIBRARY with our recorded ConvoCasts and classes. ConvoCasts are a new form of media—and you are in them! Only Platinum Members get access to our recordings. And recordings of our classes are really valuable for those who do not have time to take the live classes or just want to review.

5. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you log in.

6. Weekly conference calls with the publisher and other community members. Our weekly calls discuss the issues we see happening in the world of men in a friendly group setting.

7. PLATINUM member commenting badge. Only members can comment!

Price for ANNUAL PLATINUM membership is $50/year.

♦◊♦

Your ANNUAL GOLD membership will include:

1. Free access to any ONE Social Interest Groups.Try them out! We have active communities of like-minded individuals working to change the world on important issues. Weekly facilitated calls that lead to the execution of real-world strategies for change. Complete schedule here, with new ones starting all the time.

2. Free access to any ONE of our live classes. Each month, we have the following: Learn how to be a Rising Star in media, build your own platform, become an advanced writer, become an editor or create social change. Check out our classes here. RSVP for any one class—if you want to take more, just upgrade to an Annual Platinum Membership.

3. Invitation to the MEMBER-ONLY Good Men Project Community on Facebook and all Weekly Friday Conference calls with the Publisher and community. Connect with other members online and by phone!

4. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you are logged in.

5. GOLD commenting badge. Only members can comment on the website!

Price for ANNUAL GOLD membership is $25/year.

♦◊♦

Your ANNUAL BRONZE membership will include:

1. Invitation to weekly conference calls with the publisher and community. Connect with other members, network and help us lead this conversation.

2. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you are logged in.

3. BRONZE member commenting badge. Only members can comment on the website!

Price for ANNUAL BRONZE membership is $12/year.

We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.

◊♦◊

“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.

Photo: lorenkerns / flickr / creative commons license

—