The Helm of Sauron is a great product that totally changed my life! Being of slight stature people usually ignore me which isn’t always bad but when I DO draw attention people tend to dismiss me out of hand. When shopping for the Holidays in particular this can be both annoying and humiliating. What is worse is that on the few occasions where I have tried to assert myself even 100 pound moms with kids would just shove me out of the way to get to whatever deal they were interested in!



Here is where the Helm of Sauron really helped me take control of my life and become a force to be reckoned with. Having tried shopping last year for Black Friday and walking away from three different stores with absolutely nothing, except for some cheap toilet paper and a black eye, NEITHER of which is suitable for a Christmas or Boxing Day gift, I decided something had to be done.



I thereupon started formulating a plan whereby even a 120lb (54 kilo or 8.57 Stone) man of rather diminutive stature (think Rick Moranis ala Ghostbusters or Little Shop of Horrors the musical) would not only command respect from ALL who saw him but would also inspire such immediate terror in those unfortunate enough to look upon him, that they would be in imminent danger of bladder release, bowel evacuation or both at the same time accompanied with violent tremors and the urge to curl up on the floor or pavement in a fetal position whilst sucking both thumbs. Granted that last is in the weakest of specimens that TYPICALLY wouldn’t dare leaving their homes or flats in the first place.



I remembered how intimidating Sauron was in the books and movies and I immediately imagined the Dark Lord as a worthy male role model for young men intent upon either world domination OR a successful Black Friday shopping expedition. Though I imagine it might be argued that I both imply a disparity where none exists AND repeat myself since the two are often the same.



So, I got myself an Official Helm of Sauron along with Tactical boots and an all black outfit with knee and elbow pads, shin and forearm guards and work gloves all in a tactical black. Fearing that some bold and experienced shoppers might not find my horrible visage sufficiently frightening, I looked everywhere for a suitable Mace of Sauron. Oddly, this weapon was not available in an actually usable size and strength for practical applications. I guess that is good, as in the end, I don’t really want to seriously harm anyone no matter HOW good the deals are. Initially, I was going to use the Nerf Battlemaster Macehttp://www.amazon.com/Nerf-N-Force-Battlemaster-Mace-Axe/dp/B003770ZMG/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1380634457&sr=8-3-fkmr0&keywords=mace+of+sauron since it DID sort of look the part. Then I thought of the humiliating jostling and pummeling I suffered at the hands of Yoga, Lamaze, Bingo and Bridge club ladies from twenty to seemingly two hundred and decided I needed an ACTUAL weapon of a non lethal nature. So, I settled upon a sledge hammer with rubber caps on the ends which I then wrapped entirely in electrical tape which helps the grip AND gives a rubberized bounce too! Then I spray painted the whole thing. It looked menacing and foul visions of Sauron knocking people sky high came to mind. You can look up a video called Overpowered Sauron Mace on ___tube to see what I was thinking. Though if you view from around 31 seconds to 38 seconds you will see a more realistic depiction of what I hoped would ACTUALLY happen should I be called upon to use my custom designed battlemace!



I gave my outfit a test run at the grand opening of a local Mexican restaurant that was offering buy one get one free “burritos as big as your head” and at the Redbox on a Friday night! Not only did I NOT wait in line at either location I actually got the movie I wanted from the lady who was at the machine before me so I didn’t even have to pay the $1. Oh, y the way, the battlemace works a treat too as my quick approach to the counter at the packed restaurant can attest. Though I will say that I was totally unprepared for how sore my arms and hands would be the next day. Guess I’d better get some practice in the garden before my next field trip.



I am now totally ready for Black Friday and I will no longer be the loser, nerd Uncle who is always seemingly unable to secure the gifts my nephews and nieces requested. Now if only I could find a NON cave man way to use this getup to find a suitable lady friend my life would be made immeasurably better all for the low low price of $349.99.



As an extra, added precaution I will also be adding the one ring “to rule the mall”!