Hi Mandy, thank you for this post, and for your blog. The fact that this post got 342 comments (343 as of this one!) goes to show that there are many, many women out there who are in almost identical situations. It’s a comfort to know that I’m not alone in being alone. I’m not a Christian – lately I’ve just been looking up articles and comments and blogs and everything I can find on the subject, and most of it has been so depressing. I was delighted to stumble across this post. Your blog is a beacon of solidarity and community, and I felt so happy to read the stories posted by other women here, even if my heart breaks for all of us, but the happiness comes from finding a network of strength, support, love and positivity. It helps me to read story after story like my own, to know that it can’t possibly be that all the women here (or on the Steve Harvey show, or a million other places) are defective. If this phenomenon of singledom and divorce is so common that it warrants TONS of articles, advice columns, blogs, forums, dating coaches and help sites, though, I was thinking: isn’t it weird that many commenters are like myself – single and never married, no kids at 37 (my birthday was a month ago), but yet I DON’T MEET MANY OTHER WOMEN IN THE SAME BOAT.

Here’s my deal: I’m 37, tall and redheaded and, I have been told over and over, beautiful. I look and act a lot younger than I am. I’m smart, I’m creative, talented, kind, compassionate, and I want to do good in the world. I have an undergraduate degree, I come from a lower-middle-class family in Canada. I ended up moving out of my parents’ house at 21 and took serving jobs to pay the rent while trying to go to university AND to date. My home life was toxic, although my family loves each other, we are just a dysfunctional bunch. I fell into the support work field at age 26, then got a job as an educational assistant after I finally got my degree at 31, and now I’m teaching ESL. I got two cats when I was 21, and one died of cancer 6 years ago, so I still have my baby who is 16 and 1/2. Guess what this makes me in the eyes of the world? A spinster teacher cat lady. Doesn’t matter that plenty of people I know, other women, single guys, couples, have cats. If you’re a single woman over 30 and own a cat, the media and the world stigmatises you.

I thought that my problem with finding the right guy could be all kinds of things: that I’m a feminist, I’m tall, I’m opinionated, I’m an atheist, I have small breasts for my height (kind of built like Allyson Janney), that I’m “unfeminine,” that my standards were too high, or that I have MANY problems from my childhood that I’ve been working on for years. I have ADD – found that out at 27. Accompanying that I’ve got anxiety and depression. But I got on medication and educated myself and sought therapy and work on adjusting my life to my condition. Since I was 18, I’ve been in 4 “serious” relationships (the longest one was a year and 4 months). I have wanted to find the right man and get married and have kids since I can remember. But being pretty or thin or sexy or whatever has very little to do with whether or not you settle down. Most of my friends – women AND men – didn’t settle down until late 20s, early 30s, even mid-30s. At least 5 of my friends got divorced at least once before age 30, no kids, and remarried someone much more suitable. Others were in long-term cohabitating situations that ended, then moved on to their current partners. Because my social circle did their settling down quite late (early-to-mid 30s), I didn’t used to feel so left out. I thought being 30 and single was weird, but I thought, “I’ll meet the right guy in the next couple of years.” It didn’t happen. I’ve been involved in extensive social circles and volunteer groups and I go out to events and I flirt and I’ve dated more guys than I could even remember. But only a handful of them produced a spark, and the guys I was interested in just weren’t that interested in me, or something got in the way.

As of this moment, the only other woman I’m close to who is in the single/never-married/no-kids situation is a long-time friends of mine, who has 4 degrees, one is a Master’s, and she is beautiful, smart, fit (SUPER fit), Christian, nice, decent, hardworking, and she’s had only 3 relationships, 6 months at most, in all her 37 years. She’s tried everything from speed dating to mixers to being set up through friends to online dating to church groups to extracurricular hobbies. At least she has a great job now, and can travel and save up for a house. My line of work is not what I want to be doing, and I’ve never made more than $30,000 a year. I’m “poor” compared to my friends, who are lawyers, engineers, PhD grads, teachers, nurses, vets, doctors, air traffic controllers, government workers, museum curators, architects, graphic designers – professionals. Yupsters. If I had a great job and a great social life, I’d probably be less upset at the “single” part. But I can hardly pay my student loans, I can’t travel, and I live in an apartment. I get upset when I think how much easier it could be if I was partnered up, if I had a husband and we had two incomes and half the bills. It’s not like I put aside searching for a relationship to work on my career. I have neither career nor relationship.

My friends moved away or settled down one by one, and while I used to have a whirlwind social life of what I thought were close friends up to age 31-ish, after people got into couples, I got ditched. My male and female friends ditched me equally. I understand my guy friends’ new gfs maybe not wanting their guys hanging out with a single female friend, but they hardly even hung out with me AS A COUPLE. And I don’t understand why my female friends suddenly renounce their independence and do EVERYTHING with their bfs/husbands. And all the couples hang out with other couples. A still-single woman at my age is somehow scary to them, like I’m going to bring bad juju into their lives with my singleness. To be honest, I sometimes avoid my couple friends because I’m always the only one at the New Year’s party with no one to kiss at midnight, but I never stopped wanting to spend time with them. My friends used to set me up, but that was when we all still hung out. Now they’re paired off and nesting, and I’m not invited to their couples-only dinner parties and cabin getaways. I’d be perfectly willing to go over to their houses and hang out as a 3rd wheel in their domestic bliss, but they rarely invite me. Oh, and because I’m single, I’m expected to work around the COUPLE’S schedule. I have no “wingwomen” to go out with and have girls’ nights, not even the attached girls. I see my long-time friends, if I’m lucky, on birthdays and holidays (not MY birthday, though, no one acknowledges that anymore except with Facebook posts or a text). They’re busy with their husbands, houses, kids, and they just stopped calling me. I wanted to be a part of my friends’ lives when they finally fell in love and settled down, but I feel like I was only important to them when they DIDN’T have a partner. They had destination weddings I couldn’t afford to go to. I text them to say we should catch up. I TRY to call. I suggest Skype dates. I get no reply, or a short reply and then no follow-up. I say, “Send me photos of your baby! Tell me what’s going on!” And I get a few photos, and then months of silence.

I’m lonely, and I have to work extra just to get by, and do everything myself. I have none of the luxuries of my couple friends. Yeah, they’re busy, but so am I. I don’t get to come home to an already-cooked dinner, EVER. I go to sleep alone, wake up alone, eat alone, grocery shop alone, clean alone, watch TV and movies alone, do laundry alone, take care of repairs alone, take walks alone, and go out to events alone. And my friends, who used to be in communication with me almost DAILY since elementary or high school or university, gradually went from calling once a week to calling every 3 months to now just texting once in awhile. In the past 3 years, I’ve even been left out of things we used to do together traditionally: birthdays, Christmas, New Year’s, Hallowe’en, Thanksgiving, Canada Day. If my friends start calling and wanting to hang out again, it’s often because they’re having problems with their husbands, or better yet, they’re getting divorced. Suddenly I’m important again. I know from talking to other single people that I’m not alone in experiencing this.

I started dating again in January 2015 after a 2-year hiatus. I had a bad breakup where I really realised that I’ve been dating guys like my father, trying to resolve my unhappy childhood. I’ve been in therapy for 10 years, but after my last excuse for a relationship (with a guy 8 years younger who didn’t even really LIKE me, let alone LOVE me), I read a crapload of books on self-esteem and resolving family of origin stuff. I thought I had figured out the issues and I’m really trying to focus on loving myself and creating the life I want, partner or no. But by the time I felt ready to date again, I had turned 36. My 30th birthday as a still-singleton was bad, then so was my 35th. Now I’m 37, and when I tell guys my age, it’s like Kryptonite. Doesn’t matter if the guy is my age or older. I’m still very attractive, I’m still fertile. I’ve gained the insight I need to be in a serious, mature partnership. But eww, I’m OLD (in their view).

By the time you’re in your 30s, all the “good” guys are taken. The guys I meet either want just sex but don’t want to “lower” themselves to Tinder, or they’re dating with and sleeping with multiple women and lying to all of us. Guys are critical of my life despite the fact that I’ve worked hard to overcome obstacles that others don’t have to deal with, and I’m still working on things. I’m afraid of telling them too much, so they tell me I’ve got walls up. ANYONE would be hesitant to reveal too much at first after having guys criticise you for things you had no control over, like your terrible childhood. I’ve had boyfriends act superior about THEIR (also dysfunctional) families. Guys I meet online who are all, “Wow, you’re beautiful, you’re amazing, I can’t believe you’re single” turn out to be picky as hell and don’t pursue me because I’m not into kayaking and rockclimbing (i.e. I’m not a carbon copy of them with a vagina). I meet guys who are divorced, or have never been married because they have MAJOR issues that they haven’t even BEGUN to address. I meet players. I meet commitment-phobes. I meet guys who are hardcore winter-biking vegan activists, who dislike me because although I’m quite an activist myself, I (gasp!) own a car and don’t chew kelp all day. I meet guys who are desperate and needy and controlling and even scary. I meet guys who don’t want kids. I meet guys who already have kids and are pretty much done with that whole thing. Mostly, I meet guys who lie, who are lazy, who won’t put in much effort but then expect sex on the 2nd or 3rd date. They get pissed off at me for putting limits because I am waiting to see if they want to get to know ME, and if they’d be interested in an eventual commitment. The NERVE of me. I’m willing to accept guys with flaws – I’m nowhere NEAR perfect. But guys don’t seem to be willing to accept flaws in women.

I know I absolutely was not ready for a serious relationship in my 20s, even though I wanted one. I’ve only been with one guy who wanted to marry me and have kids, but I didn’t love him back. Now, I see guys I once dated or rejected, and they’re coupled up. I cry at night and think, “Should I have just married my ex, had a child with him, and gotten divorced, so at least I’d have had the chance to have children?” Then I think, “NO.” My child would have an awful life, and I wouldn’t have gotten my degree and made the personal strides I made.

If I feel down about my life, I think of EVERYTHING I’ve ever been told, or seen my friends go through. Divorces because the husband cheated when the woman was 8 months pregnant, or because he was addicted to porn, or because he was a selfish asshole. I’ve watched my (former) best guy friend, who is ostensibly a nice, progressive guy, waste 5 years of his gf’s life because SHE thought they were headed for marriage, but my guy friend was just passing the time and didn’t love her. Then he dumped her in the middle of her Master’s degree, kicked her out of the house HE bought, and she had to live on a friend’s couch at age 33 while he started dating a co-worker 5 days later and eventually married the co-worker (I really don’t talk to him anymore). I see my female friends doing all the work in the relationship, even in the “good” ones. It’s not that I think all men are monsters. I just think women get the shit end of the stick in most situations. Everyone is making compromises. The “perfect” couple you are friends with might be covering up some SERIOUS marital discord. Marriage is hard work, so are children. I would only get into that with a man if I felt VERY certain that he was prepared to go the distance. And the guys I meet on OKCupid or Match can’t even commit to buying me dinner because they “want to see if I’m worth investing in.” These are the ones who act like THEY’RE interviewing ME for a job, yet they’re not exactly prizes. Other guys take me to the symphony or a play or for dinner on a first date, don’t look in my eyes, don’t ask me much about myself, try to kiss me with TERRIBLE breath, and then get visibly angry with me when I won’t have sex with them after they spent $80 on me (or kiss them because they can’t be arsed to chew a piece of gum before lunging at me). In their minds, if they’ve spent money, they’re ENTITLED to sex. WTF!

I’m not giving up hope, I’m just adjusting my view of my single self. Like someone said upthread, there’s freedom in singledom. I can do what I want – sleep in, work out, talk on the phone for hours, eat dinner at 10 pm. Right now I’m finally working on fulfilling my dream to develop my creative work. All I want is my own happiness, and – if it happens for me – a good, caring man who loves me and vice versa, all the good and the bad parts of both of us. Someone who makes me laugh, who makes me feel special, who doesn’t play games or string me along because he might meet someone better.

It’s not us, ladies. It’s a shift in social values, communications, and demographics. I hate to say it, but there’s a lot of misogyny for women to deal with, and now that we can support ourselves and be choosier about who we commit to, we’re not tolerant of bullshit from men. And sure, lots of good men suffer, too. But men as a group are not adapting as quickly to the changes. They’ve lived with entitlement for too long, and their expectations of women have become superficial and impossible. Don’t get fat? Don’t expect fidelity? Do all the work AND have a job AND manage the finances AND look like a porn star AND be their mom AND stop having expectations of them AND stay physically 24 years old forever AND have sex with them when they want it no matter what jerks they’re being? Women are STILL putting up with too much shit from men, even the “good” men. From what I hear from married or divorced women, it’s not exactly a picnic to be part of a couple. But I’m not a lesbian, and there’s no third gender. My options are heterosexual guys or spinsterhood. I’ve always wanted to be with someone. I’ve stopped being as picky about things like height and income and looks, but the one thing I won’t compromise on is how I expect to be treated. Is it too much to ask that a man be honest, be a gentleman, respect my expectations to get to know him before being intimate, communicate consistently and not just by text, progress the relationship at a typical pace, integrate our friends, introduce each other to family, be there for me when I’m having problems, be interested in my life and past and dreams? This is how I treat the men I’M interested in. I’d make a GREAT boyfriend.

If single women are so INDIVIDUALLY defective, there wouldn’t be such a high rate of divorce, or serial monogamy, or a HUGE population of single-parent or single-person households in the Census stats. I would NEVER want society to go back to what it was before all the rights that have been won for women, but the current state of relationships makes me sad.

I wish the best for all of you, and thank you again, Mandy, for bringing us together where we can share.