I have been dealing with Depression for 27 years, consistently for the past 21 years.



When it was at its worst I was literally fighting for my life. I wasn't in danger of committing suicide. But it got to the point where, unbidden, I started visualizing my organs shutting down. It was just too emotionally painful to exist. My daughter was six years old. I would get up in the morning to drive her to school. I would then come home and sleep on the couch. (No breakfast, washing face etc.) Somehow my body/brain knew when it was time to get up and pick my daughter up from school in the afternoon. I did that. When I got her home I again slept on the couch. When my then-husband came home from work he cooked dinner and cleaned up. He also kept the house running by doing laundry and grocery shopping. Unfortunately, my daughter had to entertain herself that year. I will always feel bad about this. Now and then I could gather enough energy to walk down two houses with my then-husband. I was in incredible mental pain. It took an entire year with a very good psychiatrist to get stabilized. I tried many Rx medications, combinations and dosages. Each took many weeks each time to see if they were helping.



I bathed once a week or so. I learned that it took me 17 days to get the smell many homeless people have. We do things like bathe because it makes us feel good as well as because of society's norms. It didn't make me feel good and I was in too much pain to care about society's norms.



There were two things that brought a modicum of joy to me: getting a smile from the guy who worked at the local grocery store. He seemed genuinely happy to see me. The other was a cup of coffee at a local coffee shop where they knew and liked me.



My brain was very foggy. As for prayers. No. I was in too much pain. I could call out to the Lord for help though.



I knew I had missed my opportunity to have a second (and third) child because of Depression. I had my first child at 34. You see, I couldn't/wouldn't get/be pregnant while on antidepressants. That would be like doing experiments on an unborn baby--not something I was willing to do. (Medical science did not know what antidepressants would do to the baby.) Depression also sped along the dissolution of my marriage. It is very hard on the family.



There was one person in the entire world (other than my daughter who was only six) who stood by me when things were so tough. That is one friend who lived down the block. My husband was ashamed of me and angry. Most of the anger was toward me. (Eventually he left.) My sister (who lived 1,000 miles away) thought I was faking it to get out of helping our mother post-surgery.



Depression is one of those "Invisible Illnesses". So many people don't understand it or care to understand it--. If I had Cancer, people would be bringing over meals and such. But with Depression...one year my (artificial) Christmas Tree did not come down until April. I simply was far too depressed and tired to take it down. How I would have loved it if someone had said, "let me help you take your tree down". My then-neighbor teased me about it occasionally. Could she not see I was in a Pit--that I needed help? Apparently not, even though I told her how depressed I was. And when she mentioned that tree being up in April when I ran into her recently, I finally told her flat out that I was too depressed to take it down until April. That I needed help. There was no response. Wow. (Yes I know she was probably embarrassed.) And it kind of floors me on how she and her family pride themselves on what great Christians they are. (I am a Christian too. I am not making a statement about Christians. I am making a statement about my former neighbor.)



Also, many people are not educated about "feeling sad" vs "Major Depression". My former Mother-in-Law who got a Master's Degree in Social Work didn't even know there was a PHYSICAL aspect to this. She thought it was just think happy thoughts, pull yourself up by your bootstraps etc. Really? An MSW? And I just found out that my sister doesn't understand that either. Wow. To be perfectly honest, if someone I loved wrestled with this for decades--I'd be fairly well informed on it. I'd make it my business. Gee...I do that for FRIENDS. A sister? No comment.



I deal with Depression daily now. Low grade. There are a myriad of things I do to help myself including Rx. But I still can't concentrate like I used to. Lower energy. A lot of the sparkle just isn't there now. The sparkle comes and goes. I simply am not the person I used to be. Unless a miracle happens, that person is permanently gone.



Income--well, at this point there IS no income and a great deal of that is due to Depression. I got fired from a simple job of setting up appointments on the telephone eleven years ago. I kept making mistakes. I couldn't concentrate. This is not an isolated instance. I am not getting financial assistance from the government. This is scary. My funds won't last much longer. It looks like I'll have to apply for assistance. Chances of me getting some are iffy at best. What will I do? That's an excellent question. I have been seeing a Life Coach for 2-1/2 years to get help with getting a job. (Thankfully he is very goodhearted and has cut his rate drastically for me.) The problem is: my Depression (and now some physical challenges) are posing obstacles I have not been able to overcome. Recently I finally started seeing someone at a local center for people with disabilities. There may be some hope there.



I so wish I was setting a go-getter example for my grown daughter. But she understands; she has Anxiety. And now-a-days I AM there for her. And there are times I can and do help her when she's in need or stuck. It doesn't take away that one year I was really out of commission. Nothing can. But I am there when she's in need: Come Hell or High Water.



I hope this helps you understand Depression better.