Under the Dome S03E10: "Legacy"

The greatest philosophical question of all time is "What does the fox say?" But the second greatest conundrum that has tortured history's most brilliant thinkers is, "How does one photo recap that which one does not understand?" Well, we're about to find out.

I watched the two episodes of Under the Dome that I missed while I was out researching domes for vacation, and my grasp on the season's plot slowly slipped away, like Leonardo Dicaprio quietly sinking into the depths of the sea in Titanic. Well, "Legacy" was the moment where his body washed up on shore, bloated and covered in seaweed while seagulls pecked at his eyeballs, reminding us that this story died a long, long time ago. Let's do whatever it is I'm about to do with this mess and get it over with.

Speaking of the most amazing love stories ever, Julia and Barbie are back on! #Barbulia4Eva! Oops, that's a poor choice of words. Barbie's time under the spell of the cocoon alien ping-pong ball people was ended thanks to a kiss from Julia, natch. Hunter snapped out of the spell from fear, Norrie came to thanks to anger, and Joe stayed sane because of guilt or sadness or something, whatever it is he felt after his sister was murdered with an axe. Relief? One of those things. And for Barbie it was a sloppy lip smack from a sexy redhead. You and me both, Barbs!

Julia explained to Barbie that he was just the penis in Christine's plan to birth a new queen dome alien ping-pong ball monster thing, and that his unprotected sex yesterday with his alternate-reality dream girlfriend Eva had already enacted that plan because Eva was bun-in-oven preggers thanks to alien ping-pong people from the moon having the reproductive cycle of those damn fruit flies that are polluting my compost bucket.

But years of indoctrination from PSAs and after-school specials about a father's responsibility in accidental pregnancies caused Barbie to still want to be a father to this invasive ping-pong ball alien bastard. If I boned a manipulative pod person who only needed my seed to create a new evil alien queen that wanted to turn all my friends into cocoon people covered in slime with no free will I would make a beeline for some RU486 and whip up a No Mo Baby shake for my baby momma. But not Barbie, he has a lesson for all you scared daddies out there: BE A MAN.

Back at the funeral parlor where the "Resistance" (a team made up of children, cripples, an angry psycho, and a dog) was holed up, a shootout was underway and saving the people of Chester's Mill didn't seem so important anymore because Big Jim and friends were shooting everyone.

But there were just too many expendable mind-controlled extras for the Resistance to fight off and their hideout was moments away from going from funeral parlor to a place of death! Thankfully an ER doctor showed up to save them.

That's the CEO of Aktaion, Eriq La Salle. If you were hoping for another character with a convoluted backstory to enter the fracas out of nowhere and become a major influence in the plot, then whatever moon god you prayed to is very real. Get a load of this hooey:

Eriq was doing egg research because he wanted to get filthy stinkin' money flush thanks to the egg's potential for unlimited, clean egg-energy. But of course that didn't go as planned because another scientist friend of his, Patrick, touched an egg (a different egg? the same egg? who knows?), and you know what happens when you touch a dome egg! Take us to the flashbacks, Eriq!

Next: Hunter reminds us that he's DTF

