There is a very small, ignorant, malicious segment of the population that is still concerned that Barack Obama — excuse me, PRESIDENT Barack Obama — is not a “natural born Citizen.” They think, because they’re crazy asshats who think everyone who doesn’t have blond hair and blue eyes and an alarming dependency on mayo must not be American, that Obama isn’t a citizen. These jackanapes honestly believe that Obama’s birth certificate was faked, years ago, so that 40 years later he could run for Senate and then the Presidency.

Let me save this shitstronauts a little work. Even if his birth certificate was faked, even if he was born in Kenya, Nigeria or the fucking moon, Obama is still a natural born citizen. That is, and bear with me for a minute because this might blow your moonshine-soaked brain, Obama could’ve been born in Paris, Mumbai or the God-damned Sea of Tranquility and he’d be a natural born American citizen.

See, anyone born of an American citizen, no matter where they are born, is a natural born American citizen. The moment I shot out of my mother’s womb — into the mitt of a prepared and even-tempered cab-driver — I was an American citizen, simply because that womb was grade-A American pussy (sorry, mom).

As went my mother’s baby-chute, so went Obama’s. That means, and listen carefully, you thick-skulled sisterfuckers, the negro President before you is as American as Ronald Reagan. That’s right. Their mothers’ vaginas were equally American. They were both given the citizenship test as they slid out their mother’s uterus. It’s a fucking waterslide to freedom.

So, fuck you. Stop bitching. And find a way to poorly clean your .308 and put it through your face. Your conspiracy theories are almost as stupid as your political philosophy, and both are just as quickly refuted.