I enjoy this show. I know I’m not supposed to, and I’m really snarky about it, but I do. It has its (many) faults, but I hope you’re watching and enjoying it along with me.

So anyway, where were we?

Oh right, dinner time.

Well, Allanon can’t have that, because of the whole hot-kids-must-save-the-world thing.

So he kills it.

This seems like as good a time as any to let our Smiling Heroine know that all of her Chosen friends, including Big Hunky Manboyfriend Lorin, are dead. She cries a little, mostly off camera.

Wil decides to cheer her up by telling her all about his dead mom. This does the trick. She starts smile-crying. It’s a step back to form.

So how’s Allanon these days?

Oh, not so good. Looks like Thing 3 took a good chunk out of him. “Take me to the Druid Cave. I’ll mark it for you in my own blood, for your convenience,” he says. I made up that last part.

They take him to the Druid Cave without the slightest sign that it was more than 15 yards away. This happens a lot in this show. I wonder if a lot of riding and walking made it to the cutting room floor.

Anyway, this Quest isn’t going all that well, so they sacrifice Allanon to the spirit of Joseph Campbell, hoping to get things back on track.

Just kidding.

They think he’s dying, not least because he says things like: “Forget about me, boy. You must keep her safe.” We of course know he’s just going to go into his little Druid Coma thing and heal up. Why doesn’t he just say something like that to Wil? “Go back to Arborlon. I’ll be along presently, after I’ve Kal-El’ed this cut in my Fortress of Solitude.” Not that hard, man.

Well, thanks to that little lapse of Druid Judgment, Wil feels he must save Allanon. So he drags Amberle to the Silver River, whose “mud is famous for its healing properties!”

Again, it’s within a few minutes’ light jog. Lucky, that. Because we would want to wait too long for this:

Mud from the banks of the Silver River apparently not being enough, Wil jumps in and swims about 50 feet out, far enough to accomplish two things: first, to see stuff like this toaster oven,

and second, to ensure that Amberle has ample time to get her gorgeous ass kidnapped.

Eretria is mean, so there’s a nice little bit for the stuntman (and the actor) as Wil gets dragged behind a horse. In true “movie magic” form, they did this by … dragging the stuntman and the actor behind a horse. Pretty cool, actually.

“Why are you doing this to us?” asks Wil. “Because I’m a Rover,” responds Eretria. Then, without any reason to think that this is true, Wil says, “I think there’s more to you than that.” Soulful gazing ensues between him and Beautiful Young Woman #2. Which reminds me, I should really start working out.

Wil and Amberle are taken to the Rover camp, which is like a haven for the children of bikers and unwashed bohemian types.

This is Cephalo, you may remember. Eretria’s dad. He’s the leader of the Rovers. He’s menacing

He has the elfstones (if you’ll recall, they were stolen last week)

but he doesn’t know how to use them. So he hatches an elaborate plan to trick Wil into thinking Eretria’s going to kill Amberle so that Wil will use the stones. Got that? Good, because no one else seems to. They all look at him like he makes no sense. Possibly because he doesn’t.

Oh, and Allanon’s totally fine, by the way, just like he didn’t say he would be.

Anyway, Amberle turns the tables on Eretria, who has grown a heart for no discernable reason and tells her to run. “I have a better idea,” whispers Amberle duskily.

She takes Eretria hostage, thinking to grab Wil and make a run for it. This interrupts Wil telling Cephalo about the sweet deal he got on this hooded t-shirt at H&M.

Instead, Eretria then turns the tables on Amberle, leading me to believe that everyone in this world is simultaneously really tough and really … well, not.

Cephalo gives Wil the Elfstones

and tells him to show him how to use them, or he’ll kill Amberle, who, I’ll remind you, we’d like to keep alive.

Wil is spared by the arrival of Dead Flying Demon’s better-looking sibling.

Amberle is scared.

But Wil and his Elfstones are on the case.

He goes all glowy-eyed and torches the demon with Elfstone fire stuff.

Not bad for a guy who doesn’t know how to use Elfstones.

But then he passes out. What a wuss.

Oh well, at least we got some more magic out of the deal.

Speaking of Druid Magic, someone’s now got to save Eretria and unconscious Wil, who have been taken captive by Cephalo. Now would be a good time for …

Allanon, who wastes no time in setting off back to Arborlon. Seriously, is Allanon the only one here who’s mission-minded? I suppose he probably is.

On the way back, he dispenses some wisdom to Amberle, who

blames herself for everything that’s happened after she abandoned her duty to the Ellcrys: “All of this isn’t happening because of you. It is happening to you. And the sooner you understand that, the better.”

Jocularity aside, it’s a nice nugget of wisdom for any trauma survivor, and it was a really nice bit of writing.

Then they run into this guy:

who bears a striking resemblance to this guy:

The character’s name is Bandon, but I assure you he was known as The Gimp on set for the entirety of the shoot.

Bandon’s a sad dude who had a bad relationship with his parents (I’m looking at you, teenaged MTV-watchers). He shows signs of magic. He also shows signs of being somewhat untrustworthy. So Amberle brings him along.

They finally get back to Arborlon, where some boring family stuff happens,

Wil says he’s fulfilled his obligation and it’s time to jet,

and Amberle gets blamed for the Ellcrys’s condition from the Council of Grumpy Elves,

including Evil Uncle Manbun.

Seriously, look at that thing.

So Wil, who is told by Bandon that Amberle would die if he didn’t go with her, changes his mind,

makes an impassioned speech,

and gets Amberle pardoned. This means she can now resume her duties and attend to the dying tree. It’s supposed to spit out its seed, if you’ll recall, and she’s the last one who can carry it.

So they slap a new dress on her

and send her into the tree through … its door.

No really, it has a door. Quick question: If no one in this world outside of our main characters believes in magic (something I may have neglected to mention, sorry), how on earth do they explain a giant red tree that has never lost its leaves, has a door in it, and bleeds?

I’ll just leave you to ruminate on that until next week.