First, a disclaimer and a claimer: I have never actually written a scripted sitcom that has aired on television, but for over a decade I have been leading increasingly expensive workshops for the youth, and you can't do that without picking up a few tricks along the way. Also, and this may seem like bragging, but each of the rejections I've received from major networks has virtually begged me to submit again at a later time. Legally, they can't say that unless they mean it. Am I crazy to just give away all of my secrets to writing sitcom scripts? Or maybe not so crazy?

1 My Five Tricks for Setting Up a Comedy Writing Area

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I. Take everything you hope to use for writing comedy out of the room. Sit quietly (or lie down if you have health issues) in the center of the room and visualize the saddest thing you can think of. Dwell on it. Then, willy-nilly, just yell out any kind of furniture without censoring yourself. Write it down. The next day, put the opposite of that kind of furniture in the room and then make all of your design decisions based on that.

II. Install bamboo wind chimes and a strategically placed low-voltage computer fan somewhere near your desk. Keep the fan going night and day.

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Just jack the one off of your processor. Modern computers don't generate heat.

III. Sponge-paint the walls. This might seem optional, but it isn't. Sponging works on virtually any surface. Make the base coat darker and the next coat lighter. Stick with satiny and faux glaze textures. Or any texture, really.

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IV. Use a Dell computer model I15RV-477BLK SKU: 8786054. And get plenty of extra memory, but not too much. Ask your Dell support person what I mean.

V. Buy a mechanical egg timer that can be set for seven-minute intervals. Time yourself constantly until you can get it down to five minutes.