I spend 40+ hours per week getting the Led out while driving in the mountains.

I would like to be molested by beef-toting royalty.

I consider myself, wrongly, to be intellectually superior to cavemen.

I would prefer not to work with monkeys.

I would enjoy having a beer with Carlos Mencia.

I would feel comfortable hiring William Shatner to negotiate on my behalf.

I am lost without an army of engineers following my every move.

I believe it feasible that athletic shoes may turn me into a Brazilian.

I am amused by the prospect that professional athletes would work in an office environment.

My airline preferences are dependent upon some mysterious alignment of intellectual understandings about the meaning of flight.

I am greatly impressed with the voices of marginal actors, and invest their words with deep meaning.

I live in fear that my beverage may make me gay.

I self-diagnose myself based upon a three-second testimonial from an actor or cartoon.

I am so lazy that I demand that carpet be brought to my door.

I am so impatient that I demand that carpet be brought to my door today.

I enjoy people screaming at me about their products, especially people screaming over banjos.

I am more likely to purchase from a given automotive dealership if said dealership is owned by a madman.

I am extremely concerned about my fiber intake.

I need be given no reason to drink Coke. I need merely be commanded to do so.

Without a heavy meal, I believe I might simply blow away.

My pizza simply does not have enough cheese on it. I believe that pizza crust is merely a handle.

I can distinguish between low-end motels and car rental agencies on a basis other than price.

Seeing humanoid fruit lust after fashion models increases my desire to wear cheap underpants.

I wait to decide whether to watch Law and Order until I hear about the plot.

If only my beverage somehow better embodied America, I would drink more of it.

I am incapable of making a major technology purchase without first consulting a child.

I am more likely to purchase a product or service if said product or service is represented by a formerly famous actor.

I am more likely to purchase a product or service if said product or service is represented by a formerly famous puppet.

My sandwiches are not meaty enough. I cannot have enough meat on my sandwich.

I would like to eat six different kinds of mediocre pasta at a sitting.

My soup purchase depends heavily upon the endorsement of athletes’ mothers.

I think Iggy Pop makes the cruise complete.

My chip purchase depends upon the shape the chips occupy in physical space.

I have a lot of towing to do, and need more horsepower to do it.

I overstuff the hell out of my garbage bags.

Car insurance is my only weapon against robots.

I pee myself.

Slow motion video of political candidates makes me less likely to vote for them.

I pick my DNS provider based on breast size.

Animals are my best source of information about a wide variety of products and services.

I am an alcoholic, and would happily sabotage any relationship for a beer.

My beard grows tougher with each passing year, requiring yet more blades to cut it.

I would happily spend my weekends in Gary for points good for more weekends in Gary.

I will not use a credit card unless a celebrity uses it.

I demand that frozen pizza taste precisely like delivery pizza, but vociferously and vocally deny that this could ever be possible.

My lotion purchase depends upon a company’s acceptance of my body type.

I will forget to watch the news unless the newscaster himself tells me to watch the news.

My career is not challenging, and I would like to own a sports car.

I will use a bank that is far from my home if they are entertaining.

I must be continually reminded of the Caribbean’s existence.

I prefer that my insurance carriers have waterfowl or salamanders on staff.

I believe that the oil companies will lead the charge for alternative energy.

I am cursed with dry eyes. I find giant diagrams of dry eyes helpful in my quest for wetter eyes.

I cannot get enough of Donald Trump. I would like to see Donald Trump bald, Donald Trump eating a pizza, Donald Trump yelling at a baby. I don’t care, I just want to see Donald Trump doing something outrageous.

I would like a scent that would cause me to be physically assaulted without warning.

My dog is totally goddamn crazy for bacon.

No amount of fries can satisfy me. I demand more French fries.

I drink bad coffee because I am unaware that other options exist. I know that my coffee is bad, and yet I do not seek alternatives.

My DVD purchases are made based upon whether the movie is going into The Vault. I firmly believe that The Vault puts access to a DVD forever out of my reach.

I may convert to a new religion at any moment.

I am often involved in accidents caused by others. I deserve compensation.

I enjoy conversations about medical problems. I would trust a person who spoke openly and without prompting about their medical problems and treatment options while at lunch.

I like my dairy products wacky.

I am a moron.