tw: weight loss talk

I went to see a new doctor this morning for a pap smear. I had not been to an OBGYN in 3 years because when I moved to a new city, far from my regular OBGYN, I never had any issues I felt were pressing enough to justify finding a new doctor. So, while I was sitting in the waiting room, nervous about the prospect of someone I had never met poking me up in my lady bits I was called over to have the nurse take my blood pressure, temp and height/weight.

Now, some backstory: I personally would like to lose weight- for no other reason than that my life would be easier if I was thinner, sad as that is. I would like to lose weight for reasons unrelated entirely to my health, and I’m aware of the difference in motivation. I have never felt particularly unhealthy at any of my weights (I always fluctuate between x and y, within a certain range) and I have never had any doctor tell me I was unhealthy just because of my weight. I have had doctors sternly tell me to quit smoking (advice heard and being acted upon) and I have had doctors recommend that I lose weight, but I’ve never had someone suggest I have an illness simply because of my size without running applicable tests.

I had full blood work done in the last year and all of my blood tests were normal. Ieven had a slightly higher than normal amount of good cholesterol. High blood pressure does run on my mom’s side of the family but my blood pressure has always read 120/80 or below, nothing unusual. I went to an urgent care facility for a skin condition about a month ago, and about a month before that to the same facility for a corneal abrasion and when my BP was taken at both visits it was normal. I do keep an eye on it because of my family history and because I do smoke a little still (been cutting back but haven’t cut out) but I’ve never had cause to feel too alarmed.

Until this visit. When I walked into the room with the scale and BP/temp machine I got on the scale. The number on the scale was a little higher than what I expected, but close enough to the last I weighed myself at my gym (*gasp* fatties go to the gym!?). The nurse took one look at my face and started laughing. I don’t know what expression was on my face that prompted this but she said I could “turn around if I wanted to” (whats the point of asking now that I’ve already seen the number?) and I assured her it was ok. But now im starting to be pretty uncomfortable. She sits me down and puts the blood pressure cuff on me. First, she puts it on over my clothes which was odd (usually docs ive been to have you roll up your sleeve) and second, as soon as she puts it on she leaves the room and starts talking to someone else in the office. Meanwhile, the cuff thing is going crazy on my arm and squeezing really really hard several times. It felt really unlike every other time I have gotten my BP taken. My heart was racing and I was very anxious. The cuff was way, way too tight and because the nurse wasn’t in the room I momentarily panicked that something was wrong and no one would be there to fix it. Which is crazy thoughts (obviously she was coming back) but needless to say I couldn’t calm down. I looked over at the number on the thingy- 125/98. High. No wonder, I said to myself. I assured myself that if the doctor had questions she would take a second reading.

Nope.

The doctor proceeded to give me a very short, workmanlike pelvic exam and pap smear. I don’t mind that it was quick (obviously) or efficient. I felt sort of like a car having its oil changed which is ok by me. I did take some issue with how she handled a certain part of my body without adequately explaining what she was actually going to do (I’ll spare you the gory details, but it was unexpected, although she technically asked permission, and unpleasant)

What I took issue with was her constant body shaming. When I laid down and she began feeling my organs her first comment (this woman has never met me!) was “so you need to get rid of this excess weight, ok?” like, as she is actually poking my belly. It was as if she was literally saying “so this blubber I’m poking through right now… slice that off ASAP because its nasty” and once the exam was done she told me when I could expect my pap results and that the two things I needed to focus on were quitting smoking (again: heard loud and clear, agreed) and that my weight was her primary concern with me and that I had to get it “under control” while I was still young and my metabolism was still fast. She warned me that as I got older it would become more difficult. I told her that since I was prepubescent I’ve never weighed less than (x) weight and she said “well, theres a big difference between that and (where I am now) – even (x weight) is on the higher than normal” She proceeded to calculate my BMI from the height measurement I gave her, not one she had even taken, and explain to me how high it was and how bad that is.

I explained to her that I go to the gym, although I hadn’t been going as much lately because of stress at my job. She said that gyms love people who don’t go because they can just collect money from them every month and that she knew it was hard, but that she keeps her weight under control so I can too.

at this point I sort of gave up on trying to give her more background and as I was walking out of her office (like, coat on, opening the door to go) she said, again, that I needed to get my weight under control because I was already “prehypertensive” because of it. Sh said this in an offhand way as though I should have already known. She made that diagnosis off of one probably inaccurate blood pressure reading that I was literally scared during the taking of and that she wasn’t even present for.

thin privilege is knowing a doctor will actually attempt to test you properly before concluding you are “prehypertensive”