Hello everyone, and welcome to the Furt Annual First Month of the 2016 Season Awards. We've got a long show ahead of us, so let's get right to it.

Please welcome former Atlanta Beat owner T. Fitz Johnson and Kennesaw State University mascot Scrappy the Owl.

"I'm T. Fitz Johnson. I want to first say thank you for having us here tonight. It's so nice to see so many familiar faces in the crowd. Scrappy? Scrappy's nodding. He'd like to say something but he's a giant owl and that's making things complicated, so I'll speak for both of us. We're honored to be the ones kicking off -- ha! that's a good one -- the show tonight by presenting the Atlanta Beat Memorial Award for Best Goalless Streak. This award is presented to the team that fails to score a goal for the longest amount of time. It is in honor of my former team, the Atlanta Beat, which at the time of its death had not scored a goal in 757 minutes. Let's take a look at the nominees. They are: The Boston Breakers, for So Far This Season: A Rebuilding Story. So let's get to it. Scrappy? It's—Scrappy's having trouble opening the envelope with his owl hands. We got it. OK. And the award for best goalless streak goes to: the Boston Breakers!

"No one from the Breakers could be here tonight because they're still at Jordan Field, waiting to see if the referee really meant that final whistle this time. I'll accept this on their behalf. Boston hasn't scored yet this season, which is ... let me see here ... 90 times three, 270 minutes. Plus one game and two minutes last season, so that's... carry the one ... 362 minutes. Congratulations to Boston. Thank you.

"Next up we've got the Expansion Team Award. Please welcome, well, we can't tell you, but there are definitely cities that are interested. Let's just get to the nominees instead. The Orlando Pride, No That is Still Not Space Mountain on Our Logo. And the winner is, the Orlando Pride! No one from the Pride could be here tonight as the team is still traveling back from Sunday's game in Chicago, but they've sent a pair of Orlando luminaries as representatives. Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean and Orlando native Delta Burke, riding in on a decommissioned car from Big Thunder Mountain. Look at that!"

"Thank you. We're very excited -- you might say Prideful, even -- to accept this award on behalf of the NWSL's newest team. The Pride have won just once so far this season, but it was in front of a record crowd of 23,403 at the Citrus Bow--oh we're not doing Citrus Bowl anymore? Camping World Stadium. An NWSL record crowd at Camping World Stadium, which was then called the Citrus Bowl but apparently isn't anymore, even though the event I'm talking about was only a week ago. Anyway, 23,403! That's huge! I Want It That Way every week, Orlando! And one win through three games isn't too bad at all, as the season is still Incomplete and the Pride have so far shown they can be a competitive in this league despite their status as an expansion team.

Delta?"

"Thanks A.J. All I can say is these women are really designing something for the future, both of this season, and into the next Millennium."

"Wow," Fitz Johnson says. "Well, how do we follow that? Let's just get to the next award. It's the Continuing to Play Even Though You Have a Serious Injury Award. Please welcome former magicJack team doctor, Dr. Inever Existed. Dr. Existed?"

"Thank you. Two nominees in this one. Let's just get to it. For Played for Several Minutes Despite a Fractured Tibia, Jess Fishlock, Seattle Reign. And for Casually Walked Off the Field Like It Was No Big Thing Only to be Later Diagnosed with a Sprained MCL, Carli Lloyd, Houston Dash. And the award goes to: Jess Fishlock, Seattle Reign. Jess couldn't be here tonight because we did the invitations to this thing based off the wide shot from one of the cameras that's stationed somewhere in outer space that you've seen on some of the YouTube streams and thus accidentally invited Megan Rapinoe. I told them, ‘don't just go by the hair,' but no one has ever listened to me."

"Thank you Doctor. Let's keep this thing moving, shall we? This next award is for the biggest upset. It's officially called the In 2014 the Boston Breakers Sat Many of Their Starters and Then Beat the Portland Thorns 4-1 Award, but that's very long and we don't have a lot of time. Let's welcome retired Breaker Jazmine Reeves, who scored three of Boston's goals that day two years ago."

"It is my honor to be here tonight among so many old friends," says Reeves. "I remember that day well. Portland was one of the league's top teams, and we finished the season second from the bottom. It was quite a sight. A lot of people who didn't see the game thought the score was a typo, but I won Player of the Week that week. The hat trick happened. The win happened. Sorry. The nominees, let's do it. For Seattle's First-Ever Loss at Memorial Stadium, Sky Blue FC, week one. And also coming from week one, it's the Western New York Flash with We've Only Won Once This Season, and Only Scored Once This Season, But Both Were Against Two-Time Defending Champions FC Kansas City. This is a close one. The winner is: Sky Blue FC, Seattle's First Ever Loss! Accepting the award on Sky Blue's behalf is Tasha Kai, who I believe scored one of the goals in that historic win."

"Thank you," Kai says. "BOOM. I know we won this award, but I played for now-Western NY Head Coach Paul Riley five years ago in Philadelphia, coincidentally the last time before three weeks ago that I played professional soccer, and so it's is my honor to let him speak, too."

"I'm disappointed we did not win this award tonight, but not dismayed. I have a three-year plan to win this award, and it has only been three weeks. You know what I'm saying? Tasha?"

"BOOM."

"OK folks, just a couple more," Johnson says. "We've got just a couple more. Most Impressive Rookie and then the big one to close out the show, the Best Team in Month One. For Impressive Rookie please welcome, and I know this is very random but go with it, the referee crew from Sunday's Boston-Portland match."

"Thank you," the refs say. "First, we'd like to say that the game in Boston is, in fact, over. Like, for realsies. We're sorry for the confusion, but that was fun, wasn't it? Boston had played well, probably the best they'd looked all season. Better defensive shape, showing some things going forward, and what about Abby Smith? We got a little overwhelmed. Blew the whistle a little early. But we fixed it. We let them think the game was over, but like only for a second and then we made them play more. False sense of security. Keeping them on their toes. That's what we're here for and I think that's what you want out of a referee crew. Competence is boring. So that's the end of the show. Thanks for coming."

...

"OK, wow, twice in one night. Okay, we're being told that is not the end of the show. Oh dear. OK. The nominees are: Janine Beckie, Houston Dash; Raquel Rodriguez, Sky Blue FC; Emily Sonnett, Portland Thorns; Carson Pickett, Seattle Reign; Cali Farquharson, Washington Spirit; Rachel Daly, Houston Dash; Caroline Casey, Sky Blue FC; Abby Smith, Boston Breakers. Is that it? We don't want to cut the list short, because that would be embarrassing.

"And the winner is: All of them. We'll be accepting the award on their behalf because we really though the show was over and let them all leave. Whoops.

"Um, thank you? Thanks? I don't know. We've never done a year four before, so things are a little fly by the seat of the pants. OK. This is it. The big moment. The Best Team in Month One. Here we go. Please welcome Portland play-by-play announcer Ann Schatz.

"Thank YOU. It has only been three weeks, but month one was an exciting one, wasn't it? And you asked for it, you got it. All day breakfast is finally here at your locally owned McDonald's. I'm honored to present the award for the best team this month. We're running short on time so I'm just going to get right to this. The nominees are: Chicago Red Stars, Seattle Reign, Portland Thorns and Washington Spirit. TOBIN HEATH! HORAN!! The winner is: Washington Spirit! The Washington Spirit have come in and run away with this one! Or have they? I don't know about this one.

No one from the Spirit is still here, they all went to McDonald's after hearing me read about all day breakfast, so I'll continue. The Spirit are top of the table, and the only 3-0 team in the league, but the best? All three of those wins have come against three of the weaker teams. The Spirit will take on the Thorns in week four, which will be a good test for both. And what about Seattle? Not having Jess Fishlock didn't seem to matter much. Did you see Kim Little this week? Doing a little bit of everything. And what about the Thorns? Tobin HEATH! She's leading the league in assists and the Thorns are also unbeaten so far this season. Mark Parsons has been up to the task of managing a pretty star-studded roster. And Chicago? The Red Stars have quietly put up some pretty solid performances this season, too. It's only been three weeks, folks. There are 17 more games to go. The Spirit are surely a front-runner, but I think we've got a lot of season left."

Well, I think that's it everyone. Thank you for coming to the Furt Annual First Month of the 2016 Season Awards. It's been a great first month. Here's to the next five.

Scores

Friday

Western NY Flash 0 - 3 Washington Spirit

Houston Dash 0 - 0 Sky Blue FC

Sunday

Boston Breakers 0 - 1 Portland Thorns FC

Chicago Red Stars 1 - 0 Orlando Pride

Seattle Reign FC 1 - 0 FC Kansas City