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So, much as they might downplay it in public, plenty of Republicans and conservatives seem to have such a serious terror-boner about witchcraft, my guess is that it has almost subconsciously entered their lexicon of insults and smear tactics. I'm not saying that this zeal almost comes across like that thing where young boys cover their burgeoning fascination towards the opposite sex by screaming that girls are icky at every opportunity. I'm definitely not pointing out the ironic similarity between the Republicans' and conservatives' tendency to treat opponents and obstacles as literal witchery and the way experts have pointed out the modern GOP operates like a witch-hunt machine that's incapable of compromise. That's not my place. What I am saying, however, is how weird it is that despite all this, tons of right-wing politicians can't help but dip a toe in the witching pool, and even when their intention is to protect themselves from witchcraft, it serves to stealthily admit that they take its existence seriously.

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How protesters around GOP conventions wear anything but this, I'll never know.

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Man, that got weirder than I anticipated. In just three steps, we went from a moment of offhand lunacy by a notoriously goofy former candidate to making it sound like the people who wanted to ban the Harry Potter books literally live in a world where any opponent can start hurling baby murder-fueled magic missiles at them. It usually takes more degrees to get to Kevin Bacon. I wonder if all the crazy statements politicians make during the election season open a fucking portal of goofiness like this? Now, all we have to do is track down every insane comment every candidate has ever made, and painstakingly track down their deeper meanings ...

... oh hell, no. On second thought, let's just go get mightily drunk. Probably easier on the intestines, anyway.

What's The Best Fictional School To Attend? In the muggle world, we're not given the opportunity for a magical hat to tell us which school we should go to. Usually we just have to go to the high school closest to where we live or whatever college accepts our SAT scores and personal essay. This month, our goal is to determine what would be the best fictional school to go to. Join Jack, Daniel, and the rest of the Cracked staff, along with comedians Brandie Posey and Steven Wilber, as they figure out if it's a realistic school like Degrassi or West Beverly High, or an institution from a fantasy world like Hogwarts with its ghosts and dementors, or Bayside High, haunted by a monster known only to humans as Screech. Get your tickets here!

Everyone thinks that Hillary Clinton's heartless persona will derail her. In actuality, her true flaws are her Rocky and Bulwinklesque brothers' get rich schemes as seen in 5 Rulers Whose Idiot Siblings Nearly Screwed The World. And see what would happen in a whole field of Trump-like politicians in If Every Politician Was As Honest (And Dumb) As Donald Trump. Eh, we bet the guy in the gimp suit would make a better deal with Iran.

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